Disclaimer: I don't own Vampire Academy.

Tormented

I am no longer a Strigoi. The thing I value most – my soul – has been restored to me. For that, I will forever be grateful to Vasilisa Dragomir. She restored me back to who I was before I was turned, and freed my soul.

Although I'm free from being a Strigoi…I can't go on with life as it was before.

In those first moments, after I was changed back…everything was so beautiful. Beautiful, and full of life. Unlike when I was a Strigoi, when nothing had beauty. All there was to life was to kill for blood, and trying to make her like me. One of the walking undead. A soulless monster, with no compassion or regard for anything but myself.

Princess Vasilisa is my savior. I will no longer have to walk the eternal darkness, thanks to her. Just those few months I spent as one of them felt like an eternity. I remember everything. All the horrific things I've done rush back to me, and I can't stand it.

Especially what I did to her. The one person I love more than anyone else in the world, and my soulmate. Roza.

When she snuck down into my cell to visit me…she is still the most beautiful woman in the world. Like my own goddess. I told her I didn't want to see her, but in reality…I did. I wanted to see her. See her with my own eyes, and not with the thinking of a soulless monster. I can only guess at what she did to help Vasilisa find the way to restore me to what I am now. It seems that everything about her has stayed the same.

When our eyes met…everything in our relationship came back to me. I'd only known her less than a year, but we have lived a very long time in that year.

She told me that she still loved me. My heart ached, hearing her tell me so. How could she still love me after all the things I did to her as a monster? Biting her, trying to convince her to let me turn her into a Strigoi…Although I see love when I look at her…I also feel horrible.

How can I live with myself, knowing that I did such horrible things to her when she was looking for me? How can I ever look at her again without feeling remorse and guilt?

There can be nothing between us anymore. Especially after what I did.

There is no forgiveness for me for what I did. Not now, not ever.

And I have hurt her even more. When she came to me at the chapel this morning… I told her, "I've given up on you. Love fades. Mine has." I must have hurt her more than she will ever let anyone know. She looked like her heart had been broken beyond repair before she left me. And I am the cause of her hurting, because of my words. I can't comfort her anymore. I can't even be near her. How can I be near someone so full of passion and goodness?

The words hurt me too. How could I tell her I didn't love her anymore, when I still did? Everything I have said about my heart turning hard and not being able to feel the way I once did…no. Although my emotions are slowly coming back, my love for Rose has always stayed the same. How could I not, although I had tried?

I only said that so she would move on from me. She would find someone who is worthy of her love. I'm not worthy anymore, not after what I was and my horrible actions towards her. And she has to stay away from me, because I would never be able to pay the debt I owed to her for restoring me to my old self. I will owe her more than she will ever know.

She had told me herself she was dating Adrian Ivashkov when I was still in my cell. Although I truly wish them well…I wish I was in his shoes. He can't possibly understand Roza the way I do, how beautiful and fierce she is. But he will have to do what I can't do now. He must love and protect her as long as they remain together.

Another thing I will owe Roza – she helped me at my trial. She asked me if I knew the locations of other Strigoi, so that we could strike out against the Strigoi. I understood what she was trying to do. I told her to go away. Vasilisa helped me out with that…but I know I must've hurt her too.

All I do is hurt Rose. In one way or another. Back when I was a Strigoi, and even now, I hurt her.

It's best for us this way. To ignore whatever we had in the past together. She will be free to move on with her life.

But if it's the right thing to do…why do I hurt so much now? Although this must be nothing compared to what my words must have done to Roza.

I love you, Roza.