~o~O~o~

Chapter IV

~o~O~O~o~

My mind and body were locked in a battle of wills as I drifted in-and-out of consciousness. Ghostly outlines solidified and then turned into something familiar.

It was like waking from an intense dream where I was caught between two planes; in those fleeting seconds, two worlds coexisted. (familiar?) And even if I can't remember the details of my dream, I sure as hell can remember my emotions in it.

I still feel them. They're powerful and unrelenting.

Bits. Pieces. It's all coming back. That's how I know these memories are real – dreams often fade quickly.

It's hard to keep my eyes open but, the longer I try, the easier it seems to get. The first thing I notice is that it's not completely dark.

It's a god-awful, dim, greenish glow that fills my sight. It's familiar; nighttime in the infirmary. If being sick wasn't bad enough, they wanted to make sure you - and everyone else around - looked like utter shit.

I noticed Quistis sitting vigil next to my bed. She wasn't herself, looking tattered and worn down, and it wasn't from the lighting. Smiling softly, she gave nothing else away and when she talked the words came across almost as… rehearsed.

"You're awake."

She wasn't playing the role of someone glad to see me awake. I wanted to ask so much – to understand. Honestly, her reaction, itself, had become a question.

"Again."

With that single word, came a rush of clarity. Quistis had unwittingly become its prisoner, trapped in my perpetual déjà vu. Her eyes studied me with hesitation before motioning toward the IV.

"We've been through this before."

Maybe that also explained her lack of empathy. There was almost this… sizing me up? To say the least, it was awkward and I felt a definite tension clouding the room.

Quistis kept her distance; there was something to be said about that. She was always the first one called when I was inj…

…What the hell!? (the maelstrom hit).

I don't know what the hell I was thinking or why I was just sitting here so damn gingerly. How could I have…? I needed to get up, needed to find her. (it crashed. i crashed) I needed to be anywhere but here. I tried to move, but was met with physical resistance. (pain. doesn't matter.)

"Squall, you were hurt. You need to remain calm. Squall, listen." Yeah, she can stay calm and listen; she's not the one strapped to their damn bed. "Listen, you have to snap out of it. Don't do this… please. If not for me or you – stay calm for-"

"Ri-" My voice was too hoarse; the word remained silent.

The one thing that I knew (without remembering) was that each time I woke, my thoughts were always with Rinoa. Without fail.

"Yes, Rinoa. Stay calm for her. She's fine, Rinoa's fine."

Quistis was standing. When? How? I didn't know. (didn't care) Her hands pressed on my shoulders and constricted like the restraints. (don't touch me. don't) She tried to get me to look her in the eyes. I intentionally did the opposite.

"Please, Squall. Don't do this again. They'll hear you."

I looked.

I can't say for sure why those particular words caught me. There was just this fleeting moment of desperation that I could relate. I watched her shake her head and, even in the dim light, I could see the tears that trailed down her cheeks.

"Rinoa's fine, but I can't. I-I can't-"

"…handle this."

She didn't say the words, but I could finish them. Quistis had been exhausted and equally as desperate to believe. How desperate? That was the line I was about to skirt around as I glanced down to my restraints.

"Fine," she snipped. "Squall, I'm trusting you."

My silence continued as she undid the restraints. And, as promised, I didn't struggle. Still, she was outwardly hesitant, but her exhaustion finally won.

Sitting down, she simply asked, "Do you remember?"

I turned away. No. I didn't remember. (…didn't want to)

"We've gone through this before… a few times." She let out a sullen laugh. "At least this went… well. Last time, not so much, Dr. Kadowaki had to give you a sedative. I didn't want her – anyone- to hear you until you were… well, you. Let's just say you were – determined."

Great.

Her words still told me nothing. Well besides the heavy implication that 'last time' they didn't tell me anything either. If I had gotten answers, I wouldn't be so 'determined.'

I guess, given that brief history, Quistis had decided to wait until her empty words could hold meaning.

"We found you two unconscious in the cave, before we brought you back to Garden."

Was she kidding me with that comment? That was nothing more than stating the obvious.

"…Are you going to tell me the truth?" I asked, wincing involuntarily. I still refused to let the pain wield any power over me.

"Are you not going to endanger your life recklessly anymore?"

Touché. It appeared that both of us had found our 'voices.' Still, she wouldn't get to me.

"Whatever."

Unfortunately, she didn't like my non-answer answer.

"Damn you, Squall! Do you have any idea what you put us through?"

Yes, I did.

I wasn't going to reply, why bother with the obvious?

I watched as Quistis stood again, wearing her resentment and frustration on her sleeve. She wanted to walk away, to make some kind of stand against my defiance.

I hated myself for this; for not knowing what to say. I didn't mean to hurt her, but there was only so much my mind could handle. A few minutes ago, she trusted me enough to remove the restraints. Her anger was fleeting as she watched over me.

With the dim light and the way she wore her concern, she reminded me of a parent. I scowled as she put her hand out to brush the hair from my face; she stopped, just as quickly. Reaching back, she adjusted her glasses before checking the IV attached to my arm – as if that had been her intent all along.

Honestly, she might have done that with any of us; Quistis held the conflicting desires to both protect and teach. Ellone wouldn't have stopped, but she was secure in her role. In that respect, I empathized with Quistis – she was still searching for herself, for the role she was comfortable with, and not the one wanted by others.

Retaking her seat, she motioned to my chest. I wasn't sure what she was doing so glanced down confused… and now I was the one growing irritated.

"It was necessary to put a tube in your throat during surgery. I'd tell you not to talk, but you're too stubborn to listen to me. Maybe I should have Rinoa tell you."

"Wouldn't do any good. Wouldn't listen to her either." I wouldn't. Why lie?

"Probably not." She looked down to her hands. "Nothing ever seems to get through."

The last words were soft but, no matter how they were said, they were wrong. Things did get through; more than I even realized. But those were my discoveries – and they were as personal to me as any words I'd ever spoken.

So, I said nothing.

"Fine. Glad to see you're back to normal."

I get it. Me and my 'charming' self. I wished she'd just answer my damn question.

"During morning prep, Selphie came running into the classroom, rather beside herself. Apparently, she and Rinoa had planned on meeting at the Quad. I didn't understand most of what she was going on about – only a few key parts here or there. It was something like – rivalry and Zell – hotdogs and the cafeteria. Please, don't quote me, but it was something that sounded ridiculous along those lines."

She waved her hand, as if dismissing the thought. For once, I didn't disagree.

"She was convinced that something was wrong. You know Selphie and determination – she insisted that Rinoa wouldn't break a ten-month old tradition. So, I caved."

I saw her react immediately as the secondary connotation wasn't lost on either of us. Quistis mumbled a hurried apology, too ashamed to even look at me. I think she believed that she'd committed some great cardinal-sin. This time, it was my turn to 'wave it off' albeit with a head nod as moving my hands wasn't high up on my priorities.

The ironic thing? This was one of those times I found a macabre humor in her comment. I'm aware of how socially inappropriate it would be and how it would come across. That's why thoughts like that were better left to myself.

Thankfully, she seemed to forgive herself.

"Basically, she grabbed my hand and dragged me up to your office. While I was up there, I figured I'd also pick up the Spider Webs. …But it turned out – you weren't there and eventually we discovered neither was the car."

Great. I realized that we owned our survival to a mixture of Selphie's determination and Zell's fetish over meat byproducts. Maybe I should've been somewhat surprised, but I was too grateful. For once, I wanted to accept their idiosyncrasies at face value. Honestly, I owed Selphie a few first-class train tickets and Zell a freezer full of hot dogs.

"We tracked the car via GPS. Selphie had the foresight to bring Angelo, who turned out to be a godsend. We found you surprisingly quickly after that… but it was well into evening hours by then."

Guess I should inform Zell that he'd be dividing his treasure with 'someone' a lot shorter, and only a tad bit more hairy.

Overall, I knew I probably should have come across more grateful. I was, but I had too many other thoughts on my mind. I found myself checking the time, growing irritated with all these wasted seconds. Watching the clock had become a growing addiction. My need increased, mirroring my ascension through the ranks.

It bothered me that I found myself so focused on time. Over the last few years, I always wanted more (with her). But over the last day, time had been our entire existence.

Time had a way of…

No.

Staring at the clock, it hit me; what we thought was the same day we had lunch - was likely the next morning. The night I doubted that we'd make it through – we already had.

That accounted for some of our missing time, but I was still missing other explanations. How did we make it from the floor to the wall? It was still that déjà vu that I couldn't shake. Did that also we mean we had other conversations that I could remember? If so-

I tensed.

I was blindsided with a feeling that I couldn't describe. (panic. desperation) It was like a surprise attack from an enemy, leaving you with that momentary bout of confusion. Did Rinoa remember any of this?

That terrified me – what if these memories were solely mine? If she didn't remember, then I'd have to question if they were even real. Maybe I had been a victim of a lucid dream?

My memories had to be real. (had to be)

"I want to see Rinoa."

"Squall, we've been over this. I'm sorry."

I closed my eyes.

Hell, that should've been the last thing I wanted to do, but I needed to sort through my thoughts. What sanity I held seemed to be slipping through my fingertips. Before, Quistis had constantly said she was doing 'all right,' but I knew the game. It all came down to calming a patient, by any means necessary. For all I knew, Rinoa was worse than I thought… or didn't even…

No. I won't. She wasn't.

I needed to know if Quistis' words had been smoke and mirrors. My former instructor might say just about anything to keep me out of physical restraints again. I opened my mouth to give her this opinion. Trust me, I had an opinion – several, in fact. But to my surprise, the only thing that came out was one word.

"Please."

I don't think she was expecting it (disarmed) and when I opened my eyes I saw sympathy.

In that moment, all my fears rose to the surface.

This time, when she stood up, I actually thought she'd leave. Walk out. I can't explain, but I couldn't be alone.

I felt helpless, projecting all my hopes on her. She didn't know. To her I was simply indifferent. Looking down the hall, she scanned the other end of the infirmary. I'd been holding my breath. I didn't realize.

Folding her arms, she looked down at me – a thin smile graced her lips.

I know beauty is subjective. Because even bathed in that god-awful green glow, she'd never been more beautiful.

"You know Dr. Kadowaki is going to skin my hide."

"Least you're in the right place for medical treatment."

I smiled.

Well, it probably came off a smirk/smile hybrid as the painkillers probably had some say in that.

Returning the gesture, I knew Quistis was glad that she'd been able to help; even more, she as glad that I'd accepted it. Without (much) question. This was one of those very rare, if not extinct, moments that I showed even a fraction of myself to someone other than Rinoa.

.

~o~O~O~o~

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To my surprise, Quistis had become my unlikely champion. I don't know how she'd managed, but she'd pulled off the impossible. I'd been granted a momentary stay of execution. Although Dr. Kadowaki remained hesitant about releasing me on my own recognizance. Far from it. I'd navigated oceans, crossed time and space for Rinoa's benefit; one would think that I could traverse a damned hallway with little ado – and without the company of armed guards – wrong on both accounts.

Maybe that was tad heavy-handed, but I'd let them figure that out in mediation. I had to wonder how bad my behavior had been earlier; the restraints and injected sedative notwithstanding.

I also wasn't thrilled to find out Quistis' deal was quid pro quo. In order to travel 100 feet, confined to a wheelchair, I to agree to a full medical evaluation first – without being, well my 'normal-charming self.'

During my physical, I found that some people can become aggressive if exposed to methane gas. From the whispers of Kadowaki's assistants, I was inclined to agree.

All I wanted to do was to talk - to see - Rinoa but it felt as the whole universe was conspiring against me. Maybe I needed these minutes to gather my wits and make sense of everything. With the help of two students, I found myself sitting in a wheelchair. I felt utterly helpless having to be lifted by strangers.

"Basically, Mr. Leonhart, I'm officially declaring you to be Garden's version of a patchwork quilt. You're being held together by a combination of modern medicine, Para-Magic, and Sorceress' magic. Not to mention stitches, splints, and bandages. You're just a hodge-podge of everything and the kitchen sink."

"Can you please just wheel me down to Rinoa?"

"Yes-yes, but not so fast." I felt a lecture coming on. Every time anyone who was old enough to be one of my parents held clipboard, folded their arms, and gave me disapproving look – a boring lecture was soon to follow. Right now, even Quistis' elemental-status and junctioning lectures seemed preferable.

"No offence Dr. but I…" How do I say this to someone who could never understand the bond?

"Yes. Yes. Yes." She released the break, wheeling me out of the room. "You and your 'buts' Commander Leonhart. Fine. Apparently you know best. You know that I only attended medical school to sustain my burgeoning Triple Triad career. Just wanted to give you a quick head's up..."

"Don't." That familiar word slipped out again. "I mean, thank you. But I can handle it."

I had to.

Whatever I, and the others, saw in this room would be a physical manifestation of my failure.

"To quote this really annoying patient of mine, whatever."

I had no idea how she, out of everyone, could laugh; people thought I was callous, but that was beyond cruel.

"Man, Squall, you look like hell." Scowling I looked up to something I really hadn't expected.

Dr. Kadowaki wheeled me in, before taking a seat at a card table with Zell, Selphie, and Irvine. "Now, Commander Leonhart, as I said - I have quite the Triple Triad career ahead of me. And you are a major buzz kill."

I sat there completely aghast. I didn't know what was more shocking – Rinoa awake and smiling, the card tournament, or that Dr. K just said 'major buzz kill' un-ironically.

"Squall… I'm, so glad to see you."

She was smiling.

Beauty in a word.

I never thought I'd see her again – see that smile. In the dark, I held onto this memory. It was no longer a 'memory' I was experiencing it for the first time. Wiping her tears, she looked down at one of the more pronounced bruises on her forearm. "Squall, don't laugh… but for the two nights, I wouldn't eat dinner until they wheeled me down to check on you.

"Damn, that's one sure-fire way to lose your appetite."

"Irvine! Behave."

Last two nights? How much time did I lose? She read my mind. It didn't seem real, that was the only thing that got me through it. That… and her smile.

"Lunch was over three days ago. You still owe me pie, buddy."

Yeah. Maybe I should've taken a few moments to listen to Dr. Kadowaki.

"Great now I want pie. Can we order room service?"

"Zell! You and Irvine… you two are going to drive me nuts."

I know other people were speaking, but nothing registered.

"…How?"

I was thankful when Irvine moved me directly next to the bed. At least I didn't feel like the middle ring of a three-ring circus

"Turned out, when my body became too weak, it protected itself by going into a comatose state. From what I gather, it's like a failsafe – to either protect myself or sustain the body long enough to pass on powers. So even if I didn't have the strength to outwardly cast a spell, my body tries to heal itself. They said my injuries were actually worse than yours –Not that the broken bones thing was a contest."

"No, only beating Zell to the hotdogs is." I said.

She laughed, putting an arm over face to cover it. I knew she was embarrassed.

"…Sorry, I didn't want you to find out about that. I figured you'd think it was childish."

"It is." It was that answer that she didn't want to hear "But I hope you and Selphie are kicking his ass."

"24 out of 40 weeks… well, not including this week's questionable victory. He insists it still counts."

We sat there looking at each other. I had no idea why she would want all these people in her room and a card tournament to boot. Then, I saw it. It was faint, but she'd dropped her guard for a second I saw her; the truth. She wanted them there to combat the silence. They kept her awake and that kept her from closing her eyes. There was something inside of us that we'd both share. I wondered if she remembered Seifer's words.

Speaking softly, I didn't want the others to hear. "Do you remember what Seifer said when we ran into him on the docks a few years back? The part where he said 'The hardest enemy to fight is the one silently lying dormant within yourself."

She laughed. "God, I do remember it; how could I forget."

Why was she laughing? It was one of the few things Seifer said that impressed me.

"Wait, wait… Squall do you remember? I mean, the rest?"

No. I didn't. She must've taken that from my reaction.

"Squall, the whole thing went something like: The hardest enemy to fight is the one silently lying dormant within yourself. So, puberty boy, you better get yourself tested who the hell knows what you picked up."

One line truly does change a story.

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~o~O~O~o~

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It was difficult to sleep, if not impossible.

My first night home wasn't turning out too well. Honestly, I never found it easy to sleep before - and that was minus my broken bones, stitches, and more bruises than a Jumbo Cactuar had needles. The painkillers had worn off hours (days) ago, but there was nothing worse than not feeling in control. Luckily, Dr. Kadowaki didn't overly-monitor the intake; rarely did her patients avoid pain medication, especially when they resembled a human piñata.

Exchanging pain-relief for ambiguity wasn't worth the price. It reminded me of waking up in the cave, feeling helpless and lost. Yes, that might've been an extreme example, but I refused to knowingly place myself into that position again.

Glancing over to the television, the screen was too far away to make out details. Thankfully. From here, it looked like one of those late-night-gossip rags… I'd had more than a passing mention on many of them. And, for that reason, it probably was for the best that I couldn't hear the specifics; the ambient noise was already way too annoying.

Looking out the window, I noticed that the moon had moved into center. It was only a sliver but, even the smallest glance, allowed me moments of piece.

It reminded me of midnight.

It reminded me of dancing.

It reminding me of her. (Rinoa)

I don't know when I started smiling, maybe it happened… naturally. It wasn't as if the world could see my secret. Rinoa's mother; Julia's words. (…secret?) I circled back to the way Rinoa spoke about her mom and, unwritten lines, with a tinge of regret. She was correct - to a degree - but sometimes changing a story's direction wasn't such a bad thing.

And just like that, I understood myself. I knew what I wanted; what I feared.

I knew the truth. It wasn't about religion, but it was most certainly about hypocrisy.

Reaching for the phone, an awkward laugh slipped out. As not only did I recall Rinoa's comment about a drunken Behemoth on Pointe – I lived it - as I reached for the phone.

By the time I dialed, I'd fallen back onto my pillow. I don't know what possessed me to call; again, it just seemed to happen naturally. I was surprised when she answered quickly.

"This is what happens when I sleep all day… I'm wide awake. And my keen skills in observation say that you're awake too."

That's Rinoa. I wouldn't expect anything different. Any normal person would have felt bad calling their girlfriend in the middle of the night and asked her to come over.

But I wasn't normal; we weren't normal. (anything but)

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~o~O~O~o~

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"Ha. My room was getting the same crappy reception. I don't think I've ever had television on this time of night while I've lived in Balamb. Now I know why"

I watched as she turned my television off as she slowly made her way to the bed. "Seriously, Squall, I didn't even know that TV set worked. I always assumed its sole purpose was a back-up paperweight."

Surprisingly, she wasn't far off.

As she lay down, our combined top-speed rivaled a Tonberry covered in syrup. It took time (…and time) and, a few colorful curse words, but she made it into the bed.

I think we were both quiet as we adjusted to the (near) dark. The only light was from the crescent moon filtering through the curtains.

We lay there for a few minutes, both adjusting to finding ourselves in the situation. When I asked her to come over, she simply answered with a yes. Neither of us mentioned that this was her first time staying. Before tonight, our only nights together were courtesy of hotels far away from Balamb.

I heard her breathing, deep, heavy. (…alive)

We remained 'close enough' but mindful of each other's space. Yet, even without physical contact, I'd only felt like this way once before. In the cave, when she placed her head on my chest, I felt something that ran deeper than my pain… I felt home.

In that moment and this; we found our home.

"Rinoa?"

"Hmm?"

"I never got a chance to say my line."

"Um, uh… what?"

"In the cave, when you said your line about our meeting being only a dream. I'm just saying, I never had a chance to give mine. I don't think that's fair."

"Oh… okay. All right," she agreed, albeit nervously.

I could've turned back but, honestly, that no longer held the appeal it did a few days ago. Perspectives change. (even mine)

"Rinoa, if one line really can change a story, then I want a chance to say mine." I took a deep breath, it was nice not coughing every time. "And when they woke up, they were still together and he realized something - he loved her with all his heart."

She was silent, but like before I could feel her.

"I love you."

After I said it. I closed my eyes and listened… to nothing.

But there was no longer fear, there was tranquility; there was still the unknown, but the unknown had taken on a new feel.

In the silence, we felt hope.

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~o~O~O~o~

.

I'd like to say that I dropped everything to be with her after that.

I'd like to say that I resigned, making Garden a highlight on my resume.

I'd like to say that I don't go on missions or spend countless hours in my office.

I'd like to say a lot of things, but that's not the story I'm telling.

The first night that we were both out of the infirmary, Rinoa stayed over and then the next night… and then the one after that. That was two years ago. I'm still not ready to make any formal commitment, but that's a battle I'm slowly preparing for – know your 'enemy' and all that.

I know she likes coffee and orchids and her greatest rivalry is between her and the alarm clock.

I know she's stubborn and impulsive and for whatever reason she loves me.

And I know I love her, even if I've only said it that once.

She knew; she always knew.

They'll always be unknowns and things we can't avoid but, as long as we come prepared, we work best as a team; together.

And, as for a single line to change this story again? Our story? There are many.

But like Julia Heartilly told her daughter many years ago - sometimes it's better left unwritten. Although, one day, I think I'll have a few things to add to that for my daughter. (Yes. The most sobering thought yet.)

…The best stories, like the best advice, are the ones that stick with you.

…The best thing about a story is that it doesn't have to make sense in that moment; the best stories told are the ones that you can only fully understand later.

They make you think.

They make you remember.

And sometimes, you don't need that final line, that one thing that would change everything that preceded it. Because our story may not be perfect by any means, but it's perfect for us.

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~o~O~O~o~

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Author's Notes: This was posted for the "Where I Belong." It was a one month – August, 2012. The goal is was to past writers and artists with the newer generation, having a family 'fandom family reunion.' of sorts.

'where silence has lease' broke from my normal style; I wanted to try to something different and I was really pleased with how it turned out. There were a lot subtle things in here that I didn't say outright, but only hinted at. But, I will address a few things.

As for Rinoa, yes, she had gone into a comatose state before Squall passed out. I figured that canon showed that when your body is adjusting to the powers you go into a 'coma,' it would be logical that her body would do the same thing when there was no way for her to pass on her powers. So, basically it was a state of regeneration. Since she and Squall share a bond, there was hint that she also helped sustain him.

When Squall mentioned being a hypocrite about praying for salvation last minute, that also held true for saying he loved her. He didn't want to say it just because he thought it was the end; just like he wouldn't have said it before/during intimacy – anything where he saw as an 'expected' situation.

Guess that's about it. I hope you liked the different style. I've written over a million words here, but was terrified to do something from Squall's point of view. Hopefully, it worked. Thank you again for the years of support; the fandom truly is my 'other' family.

Kris – Ashbear/Eternal Tiet