Chapter 8

Lifting her eyes to mine, she silences me with one soft sentence. "If that's not love, I don't know what is."

I freeze – both physically and mentally – at that goddamn word on her lips. All the shit that's gone down between us recently comes rushing back to me, in flash after flash.

"Well, maybe that's the problem."

"If you're mad at me, Damon, you need to get over it."

"You know, if you keep pushing people away, you're gonna end up alone."

"What is wrong with you?"

"Maybe you're not the right person to be teaching Stefan about self-control."

"It's what you do, Damon. You sabotage things. I mean, think about it, every time there's a bump in the road, you lash out."

"I love him, Damon. He came into my life at a time when I needed someone and I fell for him instantly. No matter what I feel for you, I never unfell for him."

"I care about you, Damon, which is why I have to let you go."

And that's it. That's the bottom line. No matter what she might be saying right now, everything she's said and done previously tells me the exact opposite.

From the expression on her face right now, I'm pretty sure she expects me to respond by sweeping her into my arms, telling her I love her, too, and that I'll never leave her again. And, you know, it would be so easy to do just that. There's a part of me screaming to not be such a fool and just give in.

"Elena, stop," I state firmly, straightening up. "You have every right to be mad at me. Fuck, you have every right to hate me. But don't you dare talk to me about love. Just don't."

Her head tilts slightly at my words. She doesn't understand.

I sigh. "You don't love me. You can't. It's…you just can't. "

"Why not?"

"You know why. You know exactly why. Hell, I bet you probably have a list of reasons tucked under your pillow. In your head, at least. But just in case you're currently suffering from amnesia, let me remind you." I lift my hand and start to count on my fingers for added visual effect as I pace in front of her. "I compelled you. Twice. I force-fed you my blood. Twice. I had sex with Rebekah, who was actively and repeatedly trying to kill you. Twice."

I can't help but cringe at the memory of how she eventually succeeded. But now is not the time to get all maudlin about the largest of my many failings, so I quickly continue. "I had sex with, fed from and compelled Caroline multiple times. Since I came to town, I've killed Matt's sister, Bonnie's mother, your history teacher, my nephew Zach, Lexi, Bree, Mason Lockwood, Logan Fell and various others I don't even know the names of. And it wasn't just when I first got here, either. I killed a sweet young thing named Jessica only a few months back, just for the hell of it. And those are only my lesser crimes. Want the big ones now? The ones that really scream out?"

"No," she interjects sharply. Her voice sounds even more strained than before. "You really don't have to list them for me."

"Oh, but I really think I do. Let's see. I snapped your brother's neck right in front of you. That's pretty major. And hell, I actually killed your own mother. After I had sex with her. And then I turned her into a vampire." I pause and check out her reaction.

She looks visibly paler after my diatribe. "I know," she whispers. "I know about all – well, most of that. Didn't know you had sex with Rebekah again. And you killed Bree? When did you have time to-"

"Not really the point, Elena. Look, I know you're an unbelievably forgiving person, but no one could or should forgive me for all of that. And you most definitely do not fucking love me. You need to let me go like you said you would the night you died. Let me go. Cause I can't take staying."

At that she gasps sharply. "You…you can't stand to be around me anymore? You faked your own death just to get away from me? Because of the way I treated you? Because I'm a vampire now?"

My eyes widen in surprise. "No, not because you're a vampire! That doesn't change a thing about how I feel. Because you love Stefan and you should be with Stefan and I'm in the way. You said so yourself. You'd be better off without me here."

I can tell she's fighting back another deluge of tears. She shakes her head wildly as she stands up to step closer to me. "No, you're wrong. You're incredibly wrong. The only time I'm better off is when I'm with you. I don't want to get back together with Stefan. We don't work anymore." She inhales deeply. "I know I've screwed things up so badly with you and I'm really sorry. I was confused and I said some stupid things, thoughtless things. I took you for granted. And I made the wrong choice - I know that now. I'm so, so sorry, Damon. Can you ever forgive me? Or is it really too late for us?"

My resolve wilts a little. She gets it; after everything I think she finally gets it. There's the real apology, the one I've been waiting so long for. And of course I forgive her. How could I not?

I grab her by both shoulders and hold her gaze. Her eyes are shiny with tears. "Yes, Elena, I forgive you. But there is no 'us'. You and I? We don't work that way. We could never work."

"How can you be so sure?" she whispers, reaching up to cup my cheek. My skin ignites beneath her palm and for a millisecond I close my eyes and imagine how incredible we could be, if only things were different.

But they're not, and I can't let myself get caught up in 'what-ifs'. Not anymore.

I step back abruptly and her hand falls away. "All we do is fight, Elena. Ninety percent of the time you're annoyed with me, the other ten you're flat out furious."

"That's not true," she protests.

I arch an eyebrow at her. "It really is. Something else you probably don't know - Stefan told me before you made your choice, that if you and I got together, he'd leave town. All else aside, I know you don't want to put him through that."

She sighs. "I'm not surprised. I pretty much expected he'd feel that way. But maybe it would be for the best. No matter how much I don't want to hurt him and how much I don't want to lose him from my life, him leaving might actually be better for all of us. It'd give you and me a chance to figure all this out without feeling like we'd always have watch ourselves and be careful of his feelings."

Is she serious? She's actually given this some thought? God, I wish I could take a seat on The Good Ship Denial right along side her. She's probably a crew-member by now.

But I can't. No more blinder-wearing. There is no future for us together. There can't be. I was a fool for ever allowing myself to want it, for ever letting any hope grow.

"Elena, that's all well and good to say. Words are easy. Living them is the hard part. But it doesn't matter. None of these things is the biggest problem."

I walk past her and up the first two steps, before I turn around and look at her again.

"What's the biggest problem, Damon?" she asks, with obvious trepidation.

"The biggest problem is that I don't think I could ever trust you," I confess. And I understand the truth of what I've just said. I hadn't actually voiced those thoughts even to myself before now.

"You…don't trust me?" Her voice is a thread, fragile and hollow.

"I could never be sure you wouldn't run right back to Stefan next time there's a bump in the road. And there would be. With you and me, there always is."

The lump that's formed in my throat at this realization is so large it's physically painful. This is it. This is the end of the line for us.

"Goodbye, Elena," I say, my voice all low and rough. Then I turn and blur up the stairs to my car without looking back.

The only time I remember ever feeling more emotional agony than this was that horrible hour a few weeks back when I'd thought she was dead; which, yes, I realize is basically what I just put her through. I know, I'm a massive asshole to turn around and purposely do that to her. One more thing to add to the list of all the horrible shit I've done. If I stuck around, it wouldn't be the last thing, either. That fucking list would only grow.

But every step I take has such a feeling of finality to it. I brace myself with both hands against the side of the car for a moment, squeezing my eyes shut and willing my heart to stop pounding and my mind to stop wailing. I'm strangely short of breath.

I listen expectantly for her to come up behind me, but she doesn't follow. My chest is still too tight. My eyes are damp and itchy. Opening the car door, I start to slide inside. Every motion feels like it's being made underwater. The very air itself seems to be fighting against my departure.

Then, without warning, I'm flung out of the car and onto the ground, and Elena is straddling me again.

"You are such a coward!" she yells at me.

A what? Did she just call me a fucking coward? I swear my eyes are probably bugging out of my head in astonishment. I push her off of me and stand up, staring incredulously at her. "What did you just call me?" I demand.

"I never thought I'd ever say this, but you, Damon Salvatore, are a coward!" She's back to furious again, which is an emotion of hers I'm all too familiar with. She starts poking a finger into my chest. "You're running for the hills because you're too scared to even try? Because you're afraid we might not work? I've got news for you – no one in the history of time has ever begun a relationship with the certainty that it will all be rainbows and butterflies forever. Real life doesn't work that way, as you well know. You've wanted me for over a year now and here I finally am. You've wanted me to love you back and I do. Your wish came true – I want to be with you. You. Not your brother, who you stupidly think deserves me more. And instead of being happy, like you should be, what do you do? You turn and flee cause now that it's real and right in front of you, you can't handle it! Hell, no. A very smart woman told me once that when it's real, you can't walk away. And I won't let you, Damon. I won't let you."

Before I can reply, Elena grabs my head and pulls me down to her and then she's kissing me. I mean, really kissing me. Like grungy-hotel-wall-in-Denver redux kissing me. Like she never wants to let me go. Like she has a point to prove. Which, I guess she thinks she does.

And that voice in my head, the oh-so-logical one that constantly tells me all the reasons why I'm no good for her, why we would never work, why she doesn't love me and can never love me and will only ever love my brother? Yeah, that one. Well, guess what? It's not yelling at me anymore. It's getting quieter. With every movement of her mouth on mine, with every sweep of her tongue against my own, it grows softer.

As I tentatively kiss her back, as I can't help but groan low and needy against her lips, it winks out of existence entirely.

Maybe she does love me, at least a little bit. And if I try not to fuck up too badly, maybe it might grow.

Maybe we do deserve to give this thing a shot. So what that we'll probably crash and burn spectacularly. At least we'd be able to say we tried.

As for my not trusting her? Well, maybe it's time to stop letting all my countless insecurities stand in the way and try to just let myself be happy for once.

Remember when I said how much maybes suck? Well, I think perhaps I was wrong about that. The future holds no guarantees and the hope contained in all these maybes might just be all we've got to cling to.

I may be slouching toward Bethlehem, but I'm damn well not gonna give up until I've given it my best shot. Never let it be said that Damon Salvatore is a quitter.

So I wrap my arms around her and I kiss her with all I've got.

When Elena eventually pulls back, she looks me straight in the eye, and we stare at each other like we always do. It's so familiar and so natural and so right.

And when she whispers, "I love you", I don't even flinch. I think I want so badly to believe her that maybe, just maybe, I'm actually beginning to for real.

Stroking her cheeks with my thumbs, I reply, "I love you, too."

I've never in my entire long life had a moment as real as this one. I'm completely stunned at what's just happened, at the unbelievable mental one-eighty I've somehow just made. And thankfully that other voice in my head stays quiet. I know it'll be back again, probably way too soon, but for right now it's on mute.

She steps back for a moment and pulls a long silver necklace from under her t-shirt and over her head. Quickly undoing the clasp, she removes something from the chain, grabs my left hand, and places a heavy object onto my palm. My daylight ring. It's warm. She'd been keeping it next to her heart. My throat tightens up again as my fingers close over it. With my other hand I slip it back home onto my middle finger.

"Thank you," I murmur, getting lost in those fathomless brown eyes again. She's well aware I don't just mean for the return of my ring.

"You're welcome. How about we get out of here? Katherine was taking Stefan out to cheer him up. We'd have the boardinghouse all to ourselves." She's got one eyebrow cocked and is that a sly grin I see? I swear, Elena Gilbert is actually flirting with me. Me. Wonders will never cease.

I think maybe I could get used to this.

Grabbing her by the hips, I tug her back against my chest and plant another deep kiss on her as I groan in approval. Then I lead her by the hand to the passenger side of my car.

As I open the door for her, she comments, "Smooth move, Mr. Salvatore. I see you can be a gentleman when you want to."

I laugh as I get in the driver's side and start the engine. "Baby, I've got moves you've never seen."

"You'll just have to show me then," she says quietly, flashing me that shy little smile that I remember from when I first met her. The same smile that drew me to her instantly, before I even knew of her kindness, compassion and seemingly unlimited ability to forgive. Before I even caught a glimpse of her hidden fire.

"Elena, if you let me, I'll show you the whole world."

- FIN -

A/N So that's it. Damon and Elena sort of took me down a different path in this chapter than I had originally intended, but sometimes I just have to let the characters lead and this is where they went. And I have to say, I'm perfectly okay with it in this case. Would love to know what you think of this little fic. Please leave a review if you're at all able to. It would be the very best thank you gift you could give me. If you're interested in reading any other of my fics, I also have 2 one-shots that take place after S3 ends called Gone and Forever, as well as several other DE stories.

Huge thank you to every single one of you who have left reviews in the past, will leave one now and who has ever added any of my stories or myself to your favourite lists. Extra massive Thank You to Layla Reyne for beta-ing this fic so well for me and to morvamp for letting me bounces ideas off her for months now and for being so damn patient with me. Please go and read their stories - they are really great!

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