Hey guys, apparently I can't stay away from this story. This is the last chapter though. I hope you won't be too disappointed.

Oh, I'm looking for a beta that could edit the mistakes & stuff, because it's obviously still raw and full of them. I'll probably edit it myself at some point.

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There were too many things at the forefront of his mind. His skin was abuzz with tension and such bad - bad - memories, that he was sure Spock could sense some of them when he was by his side. He wanted the Vulcan to step back. He didn't want anyone to feel the way he felt. Jim turned his face away from the First Officer and sighed softly. What a month.

« Captain, the report is satisfactory, but something is missing. I believe the Admirals will want to know why you chose to disregard their orders to come back to Earth immediately. »

« I thought it was obvious, » Jim said, knowing full well he was bullshitting and Spock wouldn't let him get away with it.

Captain Jim Kirk of the USS Enterprise had soon learnt that he was not to send in any kind of written official document without the approval (and often the editing) of his second in command. Never mind that he was a genius, had done pretty well (read extraordinary) in every test he'd ever taken at the Academy, or that he was the youngest Captain in the history of Starfleet. No. To First Officer Spock, unless he was perfection itself, Jim had to go through him for everything related to the admiralty. A bad report, or one formulated with words too harsh, too evasive, or too Kirk, would only attract the Admirals attention on Jim more. "And is that what you wish, Captain?"

Kirk snorted as he recalled that conversation, and how he had caved to satisfy his second. Spock wouldn't like it when he learnt what his Captain had been doing half morning. He accepted the PADD Spock was handing him with an edited version of the report he'd written himself a day earlier, and smiled when he spotted the numerous red crosses, circles or notes. Spock liked being a professor too much.

"Jim, this report is supposed to cover the "Camp" mission. As you know, the fact that we rescued and brought back dozens of children has quickly spread to the medias. The Admiralty will be all the more … meticulous, over what you will say."

"And by meticulous, you mean fussy."

Spock ignored him.

"My point is that no, Starfleet will not regard your sudden revelation over what was happening in that Camp as obvious until you have explained how it came to your knowledge."

The Captain glanced at his second in command and back at the PADD he had in his hands. Spock had held longer than he'd thought. It must have been hard on him not to know or ask how on Earth Jim had known they should plan a rescue mission for scores of abused kids, out of the blue. They had been on their way back to Earth from their last mission when the Captain had just walked into the bridge, given Sulu the name of the planet where the camp was and informed the bridge crew briefly of what he'd discovered.

The Camp was settled in an army-like facility in a Federation colony, so they'd had to plan an unofficial search & rescue mission against what was supposed to be Federation territory. The whole thing was (highly) borderline illegal, but Kirk had said he'd bear the brunt of it alone if it backfired. Hence Spock trying to save Jim's ass.

"Is the "it came to my attention" I went with in my report not enough?"

"No, Captain, it is not."

"Ah. Well I suppose I ought to think of something else."

"May I suggest you simply say the truth?"

"You may suggest it, yes."

Spock pinched his lips in that special way that Jim thought was equivalent to rolling his eyes, and bowed his head in the sign that the Captain knew meant, "You're doing shit but I'll humor you for now."

They wanted to know how he had found out about the kids? Jim snorted. How could he not? He had so many programs running 24/7 to detect discrepancies in reports from the different planets of the Federation that he was more informed than the fleet. His programs also gathered and filtered the results of every kind of environment analyses any Federation ship and planet ever asked for. He didn't understand how he had not known earlier. The kids they'd found on the camp had stayed there for more than three weeks, and that was unacceptable.

"Dr. McCoy is still intent on accompanying you to the hearing –"

"Spock, it's not a hearing. They just want a face to face debrief of what happened," Kirk heard himself minimize the situation and wondered why he bothered.

It wasn't like the Admirals' close scrutiny of every decision he took was asecret. Jim was the first and youngest man ever promoted from Cadet to Captain, and he had always been known for his recklessness and ignoring the rules. How could the admiralty not worry? He had made peace with the situation though (more or less). He didn't mind having ten old guys in dress uniforms breathing down his neck as long as he got to wear gold and sit on the bridge of the Enterprise.

"Of course," the First officer pretended to agree. "Still, I advise Dr. McCoy accompany you to give his report on the situation at the camp too."

Jim turned his head to look at Spock and raised an eyebrow. He had been reading the modifications the First Officer had made to his report, voluntarily trying to forget about his previous line of thoughts to keep it from the Vulcan touch telepath who stood by his side.

"So that they clearly realize any kind of delay from our part would have surely resulted in fatalities in the camp."

Oh that was sweet, Kirk thought, knowing what Spock was trying to do. He wanted to make sure Jim's superiors couldn't reproach him disobeying their orders. If Bones could point out the urgency of the rescue mission, they may not be too hard on him. It was a nice gesture. Jim discarded the PADD and passed a hand on his face, sighing.

"Are you unwell?"

The Captain snorted and shook his head, looking up again from where he was sitting on the central chair of the bridge. They were the only ones there. The Enterprise wouldn't take off before the next day, but Jim was never far from his lady, even dirt side. This time, he didn't just glance and find something else to do. His eyes locked on the dark Vulan ones, and he took his time to answer.

"I'm feeling very human lately, Spock, that's all." Then, with a smile that spoke of long hours spent working and tired bones, "And stop worrying about the hearing, it's not gonna happen. I met with Pike and Barnett this morning. We agreed we should get this over with as soon as possible seeing as how we have our next mission and can't stay there indefinitely."

Spock's eyebrows rose so high it actually gave the stern commander a humorous look. Jim wouldn't have thought that possible a year ago, but now he could almost read the questions on his Second's almost impassible face.

"What has been decided?" Spock finally asked neutrally.

"That I made the right call." But that I'd get my ass kicked out of the gold uniform if I ever did anything like that again, the Captain added silently.

"If that is the case then… may I ask what seems to be bothering you, Jim?"

What isn't? Jim tried to think back, but he couldn't recall any period in this past year as a Captain that had been harder than the last fortnight. He had been shot at, taken prisoner, threatened, chased and much more, but nothing had left him as mentally tired as a three-hour rescue mission and a ceremony. It was like someone had taken pleasure at opening all the barely healed wounds on his body simultaneously. Well, most of them.

His hand went to his chest and scratched a spot there, just a few inches from his right shoulder. Nothing actually hurt, but he often had the irrational need to check that it wasn't bleeding. It was like a tic. It had healed well since he was a teenager, but his hand always found a way there, just to make sure. The doctors had thought he had lost his mind when he'd asked them to leave the scar there, so many years ago. They had perfectly healed all the other ones, the worst looking ones on his back and legs, but he had asked for just one reminder. Of Tarsus IV.

Damn. He usually did his best not to think of it, especially on his ship. But how could he not be brought back to this part of his life when he'd walked in 'the camp' and saw the scrawny, fragile looking kids hoarded in large hangars, waiting for their deaths? It wasn't the torn cloths, the protuberant ribs or the dirty hands. It wasn't even the putrid sent and the eerie, wheezy silence. It was their eyes, when the Enterprise's crew came in. The look Jim received, when he was the first one to walk in and only a handful of kids had the strength or the will to raise their heads.

He knew that look.

He had been the one to open the first hangar after they had neutralized the guards outside. He had been the first one to notice the utter lack of reaction at his arrival. Among the dozens of kids and teenagers, most weakly recoiled, a few girls cried and a tall kid tried to get up, unhurriedly, and just said "Take me this time. Just take me."

To this day, Jim didn't know if that boy was trying to sacrifice himself to buy some time for the others, or if he was just too tired and wanted to die. He had seen that look, directed at him, and suddenly one question had popped in his mind: "Is that how I looked?"

James T. Kirk had discovered why the kids were stocked there, why they were expecting someone to come take a few of them away, and what was done to those ones. He hadn't yelled profanities, gasped in shock or blanched until he nearly fainted. No, he had left those reactions to Bones and the rest of his crew. He had stayed collected and had nodded and thanked the boy who had accepted to talk to him. He had reassured him with the words he knew were desperately needed. And he had done his damn job.

"I've been with them since dawn," Jim said as an explanation. And it wasn't a lie. Except Spock and him both knew long hours didn't bring Jim Kirk down. On the opposite, the fewer hours of sleep he had in his system, the more hyper he usually got.

"We need to know if your personal history influenced your decisions," Barnett had asked with his neutral, merciless tone. Pike had soft eyes and a firm jaw when he decided to be tough even though he cared, but Barnett just plainly never cared. They were Jim's only superiors who knew about Tarsus. Most of that file was highly classified.

"Of course it did. My personal history influences all the choices I ever make. But my decision to turn back and deal with the camp myself was based on solid facts, and it was the right one," Jim had replied, unrelenting.

So yeah, the camp had been tough. It had drawn parallels to his teen years, but this was okay, because he had expected it. Gaila though… Gaila and the words she used to describe him? he had not seen coming.

It had been a whole mindfuck all on itself, the whole story, the whole hollovid. But he had not expected how it still drove him back to Tarsus. He hadn't told anyone about his experience there, but he had told her the things that counted. He hadn't given her details, names, places, dates, but he had told her he had been responsible for so many kids. He had told her how he had fought with them and for them.
He had used general words and had never precisely explained what he did, but she had understood the idea. She had probably guessed a lot from what he said too, but it was okay. Because when Gaila glanced into your soul and accepted what she saw, she gladly gave you the code to read hers.

And she was dead. She had died thinking he'd save her just like he'd saved those kids on Tarsus IV.

Jim heard Spock saying his Captain should finish up and rest, but only realized his second had left after a few minutes alone on the bridge. He looked at the large screen before him and couldn't help but wish he was in outer space right now. The stars. The stars always helped.

"Bones, you said the doctors there seemed competent enough. Do you really need to go check all the kids' files again?"

Leonard didn't even waste his breath replying "Look who's talking!" , just rolled his eyes and went looking for a nurse to point him in the right direction. Both Jim and he –renowned surgeon that he was- had had to make a lot of calls to get the 47 children rescued from the camp in this new, "VIP" center for kids. But it had worked, and the "little survivors", as they were called in the news, had all been transferred there in the morning. He had promised most of them he'd come visit as soon as they moved, so there he was, Bones by his side, entering the very modern and high-tech looking pediatrics' aisle and looking around.

He heard a young voice happily calling his name as he walked in the corridor, and immediately recognized the voice coming from one of the rooms.

"Hiya Princess Lena!" he said enthusiastically as he entered. There were four beds in it, two of which were occupied by sleeping kids. Lena and Jake, on the other ones, were wide awake and excited to have visitors. At 5, Jake was the youngest kid rescued from the camp, and Lena was not far behind as a six-year old. Looking at their bodies, so small and thin and weak, had brought back some of the worst memories Jim had. But he never looked away. They deserved to be looked in the eyes.

"Let's talk quietly so we don't wake our friends."

"Hey doc, you alright?" Bones asked, and Jim glanced his way curiously. A white clad man he had barely noticed was in the farthest corner, by the bed of fast-asleep Kelly. The doctor seemed frozen, not even glancing their way when he was called out.

"Helloo, doctor Kevin!" Jake sung out.

Time seemed to stretch in wait of the man's reaction, and then it was Jim's turn to freeze. Because that doctor was beginning to turn around, and no, this was not possible. It couldn't be...

"JT?" the man said, his voice weak and choked and everything Jim felt too.

Bones was looking from Kevin to him, surprise all over his face, but the only thing James Tiberius Kirk was noticing right now was how everything around him exploded in shock, pain, euphoria and dark, dark memories.

He almost didn't feel it when suddenly McCoy's hands had surged to steady him.

Kevin is here. Kevin's round face was smiling hysterically at him, his soft baby blue eyes, still exactly the same as the ones that sometimes found their way into Jim's nightmares, were now wet and gazing at him almost dreamily. Was this real or had he lost it?

"Kevin Riley," the words got out with no question mark at the end, and it seemed logical because grammar, syntax, all those things didn't mean anything anymore, the world was upside down.

"You're alive," he blurted out, almost involuntarily.

"Al—alive? Of course I'm alive!" Kevin was suddenly bursting with energy, as if to prove his words. Everything seemed to regain a normal speed, and Kevin was so very there, stepping forward and grabbing his arms.

"JT, you're here! You're here, God Damnit!" He yelled, and Jim vaguely registered a half-shocked half-amused gasp from a kid in the background.

"Will someone explain to me what's going on? And for Pete's sake, man, here, use a tissue or something," Bones said, using his gruff voice to hide his worry. Kevin was crying freely now, Kirk could feel it as the man hugged him tightly and he felt his chest shake with sobs.

"How are you alive?" He managed, still completely unmoving, almost numb.

"What do you mean, how am I alive? Thanks to you, that's how! Didn't they tell you? We've tried everything to contact you!"

"Wait—We? There are others?"

Kevin walked back now, as if he needed to really see JT's face to believe his incredulity.

"We thought you knew. Becky said that maybe you'd moved on and didn't want anyone to tie you back to—"

"Becky? Rebecca too? Who else? Who else!" It was kirk's turn to become almost frenetic.

His brain was working faster than ever, trying to connect the dots, to understand, to believe what was happening. How could he not know? For more than ten years, he had thought them sick, lost or dead, and now this? Was it really possible?

"Yes, Rebecca, she is married and has two kids now. And Joshua, and Martin, and Angie –"

"Angie! She's alive?" he almost roared, as the mental picture of a particularly young and weak girl popped into his mind. She'd been so sick he'd had to carry her everywhere, by the end.

He was holding his head in both hands now, shaking it unconsciously and walking back. Was this real?

"Twelve, we're twelve, JT. Almost all of us."

Jimmy's eyes were prickling in a way he hadn't felt in years, warmth traveled to his face and chest and, almost violently, he exploded. In a movement, he grabbed Kevin's shoulders, and now he was the one holding him in a bone-crushing embrace, hands tightly fisted behind the man's back.

"We thought you knew. We thought you knew," the other man kept repeating, and after a while, the words got through the haze in his brain.

"But I didn't. What did you mean, you tried to contact me? Who stopped you?"

"Who? Everyone! They told us it was classified, and we had to stop talking about you, and you were a public image now, and you forgot about it," he listed.

"Forgot?" James roared again, indignant. Already, he knew his wrath would be terrible on the people responsible. "I thought you were all sick or that you died. They talked of suicides and-"

"Jasmine killed herself after two years," Kevin interrupted, his smile disappearing and his voice softening again. Jim didn't need to ask more to understand. He knew what had happened to Jasmine. He and the others had found her after two weeks spent on the run by herself, and she had never come back from those days, even after she integrated their own battered group.

"Who else?" If there were still twelve of them alive, that meant two had died after the arrival of the rescue ships. Jim tried to ignore the fact that they had been twenty-three at the beginning of their break out.

"Maria didn't survive her wounds. She died in the Starfleet ship that picked her up."

He nodded, carefully taking everything in.

"So you're the one who saved those children. Of course you were! And the Narada, too. That's how we discovered you were still alive, and in Starfleet, of all things. I knew you wouldn't change. Becky and some of the others thought you'd stay away and try to forget, but I knew she was wrong. It's in your blood. Saving people, being a hero. It's your nature."

And then everything came crashing into him. Gaila's last words, her conviction, his failure, the hundreds of people killed by Nero, the kids he'd lost on Tarsus IV… everything was jumbled up together, hectically trying to ride one another and he wished to any god there was that he could forget it all, if only for a second, so that everything would finally be clear and simple.

"Sit down, Jimmy, you're pale," came an exterior voice, and the Captain didn't even try to resist. He didn't trust his legs or his balance anymore, so he just obeyed.

"Is Captain Jimmy okay?" came Lena's voice in a whisper.

"Yes baby girl, he's okay. He's just exhausted," Bones answered though obviously unsure about it himself.

"The nurse said we should sleep at night so we wouldn't feel tired or sad anymore, even when it's hard or you're scared," the little girl added helpfully, still talking very softly so that she wouldn't disturb the Captain.

"Your nurse is very smart Princess Lena, it's my fault for staying up late. I'll be better tomorrow after a good night sleep," Jim said.

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And just like that, Bones knew that Captain James Kirk was back. His voice was strong again, his tone assured. It was like a switch had been turned back on suddenly, and there Jim was, getting back up and promising he'd be back the next morning when he was better. He'd found back his balance, apparently, because his steps were confident as he walked away from the room and Leonard followed him. Why did it feel like he was always following that idiot genius kid? Worse, why did it feel like he'd keep following him wherever he went?

That Kevin guy walked by Leo's side, his eyes glued to James back in a weird sort of hero-worshipping puppy way mixed with genuine concern. What the hell was their story? Was this what Gaila and that Ensign Beardsley talked about?

Leonard had never seen Jim like that. They had lived together, got wasted together, faced death together, mourned the loss of dozens of friends together, but he had never seen Jim so fundamentally shaken. And he hated it.

Because god dammit all, this was James Kirk, and if there was anything that could put that broken expression he had just seen on that kid's face, than it was more than Bones could even imagine, all doctor that he was. And if his idiot best friend Jimmy had lived something that damn earth shattering before he even went to the Academy, then it made Leonard sick.

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Jim and the Doc obviously wanted to talk more, but a nurse was already calling him to another room, so they made plans for later that day, and said their goodbyes. Even then, Bones could see how weirdly reticent his best friend was at leaving Kevin behind. He accompanied the young doctor to the door of his next patient but kept glancing behind him at the door even though he walking away. And then they left.

The bridge crew and a few other crewmates had planned to have some beers at a bar they always stopped by when in town. Their time off had been so hectic they hadn't had the occasion to gather like that in a while, and they wanted to celebrate their last day earth-side before god knew how long again. Bones and Jim had both chosen to stay at a hotel this time, and although they were supposed to have two separate rooms, Jim strolled into Leonard's bathroom barefoot with a towel thrown over his shoulder and his shampoo in a hand.

"Seriously, kid, do you have any notion of privacy?" Bones asked with a small smile as he put on a clean shirt. He was preparing to see his not-so-little Jo, so he was in too much of a good mood to really be grumpy.

"My shower isn't working," Jim answered, shrugging and perfectly at ease.

Bones rolled his eyes but observed his seemingly careless friend with attention. He was to meet Kevin at the same time Leonard had planned to go find Joanna, so Bones couldn't be there to keep an eye on the kid Captain, which always left him uneasy somehow. Jim said it was ridiculous, but Leonard couldn't forget that the last time he left Jim alone on shore-leave, he and Sulu had found a way to board a vacation shuttle and go space jumping (which was more than illegal). To "exorcise their demons", they'd explained.

Leonard had to leave before Jim was done with his shower, so he just shouted a "Don't do anything stupid," through the door, and left.

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Seeing Kirk's dirty blond hair on the other side of the bar almost surprised Leonard when he arrived. He had half-expected Jim to stay with Kevin all evening and night, reminiscing or something. Bones tried to shake away the funk that always came with saying goodbye to his daughter, and walked to the people he had come to consider a pretty good alternative to his lack of family.

"Hey good-looking," Leonard drawled in Nyota's direction, making her swirl on her chair to glare at the impudent that dared talk to her, before she realized who it was. She laughed and half hugged him before the others even realized he'd arrived.

Scotty and Sulu were talking, heads brought down together in a hushed, excited tone that didn't bode well, and Uhura explained to Leo that Kirk and she had been teasing Chekov on a potential girlfriend he had Earth-side. More people from engineering were to join them, apparently, and McCoy nodded and signaled that he'd go order a drink and come back.

"I thought you'd be here a lot later," he told Jim after joining them. Pavel sent him a grateful look when his two tormentors focused on Bones. Leo nodded, his equivalent of a wink, and his eye caught the glass in Jim's hand. Non-alcoholic drink? well that was a first.

"Kevin cancelled, they had an emergency," Jim said, not hiding his disappointment.

"It happens. Told him to join us here if he was done early?"

"Sure did."

"Then you got nothing more to do. Drink up!" Leonard downed his drink in one gulp and saw Jim raise his glass.

"Too early for me still, I'll start later."

"In what universe does James T. Kirk think it's too early to drink?" Nyota snorted, nursing her own alien drink.

"I'll let you know that I have a ship to Captain tomorrow, Madam!"

"As if. Sulu will take us off, Chekov will do all the brainy stuff, and if there's even the smallest problem, Spock will take care of it," she teased sarcastically. "Oh my, I just realized you're basically sitting on a chair all day doing nothing!"

Bones snorted and Jim smirked, everyone knew Jim couldn't possibly sit on his ass two hours straight, he always had to go check on everyone and everything and be everywhere, so there was no real offense to be taken there. Except if you weren't on the Enterprise.

"Hey lady, don't talk to him like that, would you?" An easy but dark masculine voice said from behind.

Jim's face automatically lit as he saw Kevin Riley had arrived, but Bones just frowned at the weird passive-aggressive tone he'd taken. Uhura frowned too and threw a questioning glance at Leonard.

"She was just kidding, she knows I'm awesome," the Captain soothed as he got up and hugged the man hello. He looked like he had finally managed to wrap up his mind around the truth of Kevin's existence, and could now just be glad for it.

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves, Kirk," Nyota bat back, looking curiously at the newcomer.

"Sit down, let's have a drink," Jim offered.

"Could we find a booth or something, you know, to talk?"

Something Bones couldn't quite describe passed in Jim's eyes, and his smile softened while his eyes grew more serious. He nodded and motioned the corner booth with his eyes.

"And who might that be?" Nyota asked as she and Bones followed the duo's progression with their eyes.

"An old friend of his," Leonard simply said. She raised an eyebrow at his evasive answer but he didn't look away from Kevin Riley and Jim until they slid in the booth and people crowded his vision.

"Hit me," he finally said, raising his glass to attract the barman's attention. This was gonna be a long night.

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Despite the cheerful mood everyone around him was in, Leonard's mind always went back to that booth in the corner where he knew Jim and Kevin Riley were hidden. More shipmates had arrived after a while, and alcohol was now flowing their way. Some of the guys had started a drunken sing-off contest, others were playing games Bones had known when he was way younger and forgotten since, but all of them always asked about the Captain. At almost midnight, Bones decided he would take the first excuse to go look for his best friend, so when a tipsy security officer came to him and asked "Where's the Cap'n, doc? He oughta be here. He's always here the evening before we leave!", Leo jumped on his feet and went straight to the booth.

He paused momentarily when he finally caught sight of his best friend. Jim's eyes were watery in a way Bones had never seen, but he didn't look depressed or sad. He looked content. There was a soft, lingering smile on his lips and his eyes were clear for the first time in weeks. Lately, Jim had seemed guarded –even more around Spock and him – but now he looked like he'd been relieved from a weight. What's going on?

"Jim," Bones said when he finally joined them. The bar was crowded now, and he had to raise his voice to make himself heard. "Your men are looking for you, Captain."

Okay so maybe Leonard was not playing it fair now. He knew Jim made it a point of honor to let his crew know he was always available for them. Every time they were on shore leave, Kirk would find a bar and tell everyone when he'd be there. Everyone was welcomed. Those who wanted to hang out with the Captain or needed him for anything knew they could join him. And Bones knew enough about Jim's over-inflated sense of responsibility to know he wouldn't isolate himself on his night with the crew.

"Really, what time is it?" Jim asked, as if waking up from a dream.

Leonard did feel a little guilty when Jim's peaceful expression disappeared, but he couldn't help feeling uneasy around that Kevin Riley guy. The doctor (how old was he to even be a doctor?) seemed weirdly defensive of Kirk, and something in Leo wanted to tell him to back off.

Just as he thought about it, Bones caught the ghost of a scowl directed his way on Dr. Riley's young face. What the hell? Peace, man!

"It's late already, I'm going to go now and try to call the others. Maybe some of them can make it before you leave," Kevin said, all eager and genuine again when he addressed Jim.

"I – I don't know, I don't want to bother anyone," Kirk said, and Bones almost wanted to call Nyota to witness the first show of bashfulness Jim had ever expressed in history.

"Come on, JT, are you kidding? They'd be thrilled! And I wouldn't hear the end of it if they knew I got to talk to you and didn't tell them."

Jim's smile was almost insecure, as if he didn't know whether it was really okay or not to meet the "others" (whoever the hell that might be). Bones watched carefully, half-fascinated and half-uncomfortable. He didn't like seeing Jim out of his comfort zone. Not after years of thinking the kid could be comfortable anywhere.

Again, they hugged to say goodbye, and Bones rolled his eyes. Come on, enough with the hugs already! Kevin left and Jim stayed there for a few seconds, just watching the crowd where the other man had gone, and then he took a deep, cleansing breath and shook his head.

"Man, who'd have thought," he whispered to himself. Then, stealing the glass Bones had in his hand, he downed the whole thing in one go.

"Hey, steady now, this is strong stuff."

Raising an eyebrow at him, Jim snorted and gave him back his now empty glass.

"You call that strong? Have I taught you nothing?"

And everything was back to normal again. They joined the others, some of the guys cheered for their Captain and Jim laughed at their poor drunken ass. They managed to spend half the night there without getting into a brawl (which was a feat on itself), and when the bar was about to close they made plans for the next morning and finally said goodnight.

.

The next morning found Jim and Bones looking cheekily at both Nyota and Sulu as the four of them met in front of the hospital kids' ward.

"How are you looking so… well rested?" Sulu asked, scratching the stubble on his chin.

"It helps having a doctor with magic powers as a roommate," Jim said, clapping Bones's back with a happy smile.

"We're not roommates anymore," Leo corrected with fake exasperation, "and when he's hung-over, he doesn't fight my hypos half as hard," he added to Sulu with a smirk.

The helmsman nodded but then seemed to regret the movement right away as he made a face and held his head in his hands.

"Never again," he grumbled, and Bones snorted.

"I'll show a nurse here how to make my special sober-up cocktail for you guys," Bones promised.

"Yes, please!"

"Enough already, let's see the kids!" Jim said excitedly, taking the head of the group and going in.

They were always welcomed with at least happy smiles in the first rooms they visited, but after a while they realized there were still whole groups that didn't seem ready to talk or laugh. Bones knew the children better than anyone else – Jim included. Their health had been his responsibility aboard the Enterprise and he wasn't the kind of doctor that just passed his patients onto the next guy when they left his ship, so he had visited almost every day. For that, he thought he realized better than the others how deeply the survivors were scarred and broken.

It seemed to get to Sulu first, and he shook his head as he got out of a room full of grieving girls. "I have sisters the same age, you know, but I don't know what to do to help."

Bones had expected some helpful, easy advice from Jim. Something like "just be natural with them and they'll be grateful," or "don't look so serious when you talk to them, don't forget they're just children". But the Captain didn't say anything, and Leo could see that Uhura was just as surprised by his silence as Leo was. Jim actually seemed thoughtful as they crossed the corridor to the next room. He paused before the door, peeking inside through the glass, and frowned. What could he be thinking? Of course, as soon as he opened the door and the three teenagers in the room noticed their presence, a sincere smile stretched on his face.

The teenagers were the toughest to get through to. They were either guarded and defensive or just… crippled. They barely responded to the doctors and other adults around them. Those three in particular were the toughest. They didn't even answer when Nyota or Sulu tried to talk to them. Leo stifled a sigh and passed a hand through his hair in a move he had unwillingly picked from Jim. Uhura sent him a pained look and just stopped trying, and soon Sulu's voice faded too.

"Hey Pat," Jim's voice surprised everyone. He was the only one who hadn't talked yet, he'd just sat on the chair next to the door and … observed. "Pat could you come here a second please?" he added, and a man who had just passed by the room came back. Bones had never seen him before, but apparently Jim and him were on first name basis.

"Yes James, what can I do for you?"

"Were the kids allowed to move around since they arrived?"

"No, it wouldn't be safe for most of them," Patrick shook his head, looking actually sorry.

"What about those three, can they walk around?"

Patrick seemed a bit lost for a second, but then just walked in and checked the monitors of each one of the three teenagers waiting there, silently watching him.

"I don't see why not, but you won't have the authorization to take them outside the ward, the media –"

"Don't worry, we're not going far." Then, turning to Nathan, Paul and Marissa he asked : "what do you say we go visit the other kids together? I know Joshua had been asking for you Mari—"

"Yes!" The young girl didn't even let him finish, a new determination had replaced the void in her eyes as she threw the covers away and tried to jump on her feet right away. Bones was by her side in a heartbeat, slowing her down.

"Let me help, and let's try walking straight before we move on to leaping out of beds like that."

"Okay. Please take me to Joshua," she said. Her tone was still down and neutral, but at least she had said a full sentence while looking straight into his eyes. The intensity of her look almost disturbed him.

He should have known the older kids would want to see the children. They had probably felt responsible for them, protected them. Bones could still see the expression on Paul's face when they had arrived in the hangar to save them and he had risen to offer himself in sacrifice. Leo shook his head

The three teenagers were helped out of bed and into the next room, where four boys from around eight to ten almost fell from their beds when they saw Paul, Nathan and Marissa along with the adults. One of them in particular, a blond little guy who'd barely talked all week, burst into life at the sight of the girl, extending his arms when he realized he couldn't properly move his legs. She went to him right away and hugged him tighter than would have seemed possible seeing her fragile state.

"I'm here," she said. "They wouldn't let us get out but everyone's here. Everyone's here."

Damn it, James Kirk had done it again. Bones turned to catch Jim's attention and salute his idea with a nod, but jumped to his feet in alarm instead. Jim was actually bent over, hands on his knees as if he needed to catch his breath. The Captain was rubbing his eyes, and what is happening? This made no sense; he never got emotional that way. But then Jim looked up and his eyes were still dry, he just looked as if what he'd just done had taken an immense physical toll on him and he was left panting.

"Captain, are you alright?" Hikaru asked, noticing the same thing.

Was that some kind of allergic reaction to something new? Bones's hand automatically went to the belt where he usually stashed a few basic hypos when on duty, but found nothing there. Damn it, Jim!

" JT. We're here."

.

.

.

Kevin's voice brought Jim back. For a moment, he had felt the exhaustion, the pain and the furious, roaring beast that was hunger in his guts. He'd closed his eyes and had seen twenty-three dirtied and battered faces looking at him, waiting for his orders.

They were almost all dead now.

The whole episode only lasted a few seconds. It used to happen to him a dozen times per day just after Tarsus. He would close his eyes and he would be back and he would need to make choices right then and there to save all their lives.

Those episodes weren't hallucinations or panic attacks. They were flash-backs that would possess him entirely and bring him back to that exact moment in time after they had broken out of the camp and he had guided them through the dirt routes he knew by heart for hours. It was the moment when he had realized that several of the kids following him wouldn't survive the escape plan because they were too slow, too tired or too injured to keep going forward. That moment when he had to decide between going back and hope they'd have another meal or two before they were executed painlessly (he knew what Kodos's men did, the younger children didn't), or go on and consciously choose to watch most of them slowly die on his watch.

He had been the most tired of them all because he had been sneaking out of the camp two nights in a row on reconnaissance, and the last run with a four year old on his back had left him boneless and feeling like two daggers were deeply sunk into his lungs. He had stopped to catch his breath, and had dared glance back at the camp for the first time since they had snuck out. No one had noticed they were gone yet.

Then his eyes had traveled over all the teenagers and children behind him and for a brief moment he'd wondered what have I done? Soon Kodos would send a group of men after them, and they'd have to find a defendable position and fight - at least until they could get away again and a larger troop came after them. What have I done?

That was the moment he kept going back to.

Not the one immediately after, when the little boy he'd carried on his back tugged at his shoulder and told him "I can run too," nor when other eleven and twelve year-olds offered to carry some of the younger kids for a while.

Not when, almost a day after they'd escaped, he had felt the same boy on his shoulders stiffen then go limp after a phaser went off far behind them, and his little body began to slide off his grasp until they both fell down.

He didn't even think of that first time the rock in his hands crushed another man's skull to get to the group of kids – his kids - the soldier had managed to corner.

No, those memories came and went in his nightmares, along with dozens of other flashes of their three-day-and-twenty-two-hour-escape. But that moment when he turned back and realized he had taken responsibility for a group of human beings that would probably die under his direction? That moment used to take over all of his other senses, as if his brain decided he needed to remember exactly how it felt like.

And then Kevin was there, and he said "We're here." And JT remembered why he was doing this. Because he had to give them a fighting chance. So he straightened up and for a second, the lack of weight on his back didn't feel right. And then he looked up and saw Nyota looking at him. Nyota Uhura, the Lieutenant in charge of communication aboard his ship. His eyes glided over her and the others until they found Riley, who just stood there watching him, a hand on the shoulder of a woman Jim didn't know.

"JT. You're back," the petite, round woman said. She was younger than him, young enough to still have some of her teenage years' awkwardness in the way she held herself. Her eyes were bright brown, and her hair was cut boyishly short.

By the time James's brain was screwed back straight and he could see the present again, his eyes caught a glimpse of a scar partially hidden behind her ear and tumbling down her neck to stop abruptly under her hair line.

"Angela."

They looked at each other for the longest time. Memories of her when she was much younger and weaker flashed through his mind. By the end of their journey, she had been the weakest, along with Maria – who had apparently died on the way back to Earth. Despite the mental flood of images, he stayed anchored in the present, with her as she was now: alive and well.

The other teenagers, those who had lived their own tragedy much more recently, didn't care about the drama unfolding with the adults. They were now content in their silence, sitting in pairs as they had probably done for days or weeks in that hangar. Jim looked back at them and saw that look again. The one that echoed within him. He couldn't help himself, he just looked at Angela, then at Kevin, and asked.

"Did we have that look?"

Angela's eyes digressed on the patients, and she observed them silently while Kevin's eyes stayed locked on him, as if he didn't need to check to have his answer. Angie –sweet, fragile, warrior – Angie shook her head with conviction.

"We had you."

And everything stopped. The whirl of pictures, feelings and confusion in his head – everything just froze, as if it was all turned into contemplating the answer he had been given. We. Had. You.

.

He brought a hand to his eyes and at the last second passed it through his hair.

"Bones, you should probably go and show the nurse how to sober up my crew. We're expected back at the base in less than an hour and we're not arriving there late."

When nothing happened, Jim threw a curious look at his best friend, whose half-open mouth and frowning eyebrows seemed stuck on his face for good. Turning to Nyota, he raised and eyebrow and, feeling as detached as he sounded, added:

"Lieutenant Uhura, could you help the good doctor out of here and reboot him so that he can help you and Sulu out of your drunken misery in time?"

Bones's frown deepened and his mouth opened more widely, about to protest, but Jim just looked at him, the way he knew his best friend would understand, and the doctor nodded instead. Not trying to hide his discontent, Bones threw a dark glare to both Jim and Kevin and left first, Nyota and Sulu on his heals.

Jim sighed. He was in for a hell of a conversation when McCoy cornered him on the Enterprise. He rubbed his temples and shook his head. He'd been pretty brilliant at keeping it together those past few weeks, all things considered, but the sudden revelation that Kevin Riley and most of his kids were still alive, mixed with the Camp survivors' rehabilitation made it very difficult to keep his composure.

When his team was finally out of the door, Jim said goodbye to the patients, promising they could visit a few other rooms before they would have to go back, and closed the door behind him, Angie. Then he paused, and before he could do anything Angela was hugging him with all her might.

"All these years I wanted to tell you—but I couldn't—and then the Narada, and the Enterprise, and everything and—you did it again! Thank you, JT. Thank you for fighting, thank you so much. Thank you."

She didn't release her grip, and she didn't stop chanting. Jim was not exactly one to express such feelings openly, but he couldn't do anything against the power of that woman. She held him as if she was taller and larger than he was, and he just stood there, taking it in.

Angela talked about her life and the other Tarsus IV survivors, Kevin sometimes filled some of the blanks she had, and Jim just listened, trying to get as much information as possible before they had to part ways.

Bones came back, still throwing deadly looks at Kevin for no reason whatsoever, and Uhura and Sulu followed, looking fresher than a few moments earlier.

"Captain, Commander Spock will be expecting us in less then thirty minutes, we should leave," Nyota said, eyes expectantly going from Jim to Kevin and Angela and then back. Obviously, everyone wanted to know what exactly was going on. Jim wasn't about to tell them.

"Yes, let's."

"We'll follow you," Angela said confidently when he looked her way. He nodded and ignored the way Bones's expression darkened even more. Sorry Bones, this isn't over. It never was.

.

Whatever had been the general, weirdly apprehensive, mood in the ride to the base, Jim forgot it when he laid eyes on his lady. As usual before they were to leave on a mission, a lot of men and woman were scurrying in and out of the Enterprise, carrying cases, taking notes, and checking that everything went smoothly. At their lead, Spock looked like the only anchored point in an otherwise moving scene.

"At your posts," Jim ordered Uhura and Sulu. He didn't even try to order Bones inside, he knew the doctor had made all the necessary arrangements for their departure the day before so he didn't have anything to do anyway.

Spock, who had seen them arrive, was already coming their way, and so was a group of half a dozen people that followed him from afar to his obvious (in a Vulcan kind of way) displeasure.

"Captain, it appears more people than usual have been awaiting your return to bid you goodbye."

Jim heard Bones mutter something rude behind him but didn't care. Coming straight toward him were two young women and four men, walking hurriedly, their nervous excitation obvious. They'd made it. Kevin had managed to call that many in just a few hours, and they'd come to see him. He tried to recognize them as they made their way, and he was surprised at how easy it was, seeing that he had last seen them when he'd been thirteen. Again, he felt an anxious itch at the back of his throat and his eyes felt dry as he forced himself to keep them wide open to watch them.

And then everything happened very fast, Becky – who had been twelve and stronger than most – started running and was about to come crashing into him but Spock stopped her, taking hold of her arm in a sudden grip that made her gasp out loud and Jim react to the threat. It had been instinct. He had been thinking about his kids, about Becky and how she had fought behind him for hours, kicking and biting and spitting out blood, and he heard her cry out and it was beyond him: his hands shot out, one over the Vulcan's grasp on her and the other wringing him by the elbow so as to make him release her.

Almost at the exact second his hands touched the Vulcan, he knew it was a mistake. Spock almost jumped back in surprise and … something more. His eyes were wide open now as he stared at the spot where Jim and his skin had touched.

Jim was almost certain he had managed to hold back his memories, the pictures, the flashes, the names. But his emotions ran high and even he –master that he was in the art of control – couldn't have hidden the wreckage that were his feelings right now.

Jim passed a hundredth hand through his hair and shook his head, faking a chuckle that was neither humorous nor ironic.

"Sorry Spock, old habits," he said softly, and then without looking at his second in the eyes, turned to the woman who had provoked it all. "Hey Becky."

She jumped on him, hugging him like her life depended on it.

"I'm sorry I didn't think you wanted to—" she stopped herself when she realized she was the center of so much attention.

Jim had warned Kevin that no one knew about his past on Tarsus IV, and that it had to be kept that way. No doubt did the very young doctor tell the others to be just as discreet. Among the others, Sofia was tearing up and barely managed a hug, Simon and Ricky shook his hand, holding it tighter and longer than necessary and looking at him with emotion pouring all over the place, and Cyril and Jake – who were brothers- hugged him both at once, laughing and half-crying at the same time.

They all moved aside, Jim making it obvious that he wanted privacy with his old friends even thought Bones looked like he'd rather shoot himself in the eye with his own hypos.

They talked, and they thanked each other, and most of them cried, and they hugged some more – Jim allowing it almost numbly, and little by little he started asking questions, about their lives, about their families and then about what happened when they were separated. He heard the names and made sure that every ship, every Captain, every doctor that had kept him separated from his kids was engraved in his memory.

And then Spock appeared out of nowhere and Jim knew it was time to say goodbye. He kept his cool all through this episode, smiling and laughing and happy and feeling so many things at once it couldn't possibly be described. He was walking away, ("finally," Bones had humpfed) when he realized Spock was now staring at Cyril.

"Jim," the Vulcan said as he joined him and Bones after a delay, "was that Dr. Bizmuth?"

"Indeed," Kirk simply answered. He was already taking his PADD out to check out everything was in order before they could leave.

"How many kid-doctors do you know, Kirk?" Bones snorted, still in a foul mood.

"No, Dr. Bizmuth is not a medical doctor. He specializes in sociology and is particularly well known for his numerous papers on Tarsus IV. He is one of the survivors – "

Jim tuned out the rest of Spock's lecture when he glanced up and saw the look on Bones's face. The doctor had gone white, his jaw tightly locked and his eyes wide opened. Spock had stopped talking as they entered the ship, but Jim knew that it was too late. Bones was not stupid, far from it, and the last few days – weeks – the C.M.O had observed his friend with obvious attention. Such a detail – that Cyril Bizmuth, one of his "old friends" had been on Tarsus IV, wouldn't go unnoticed.

As a Captain, Jim always had a hundred and one things to do before they could take off. So when Bone's frozen expression became impossible to behold anymore, Jim ducked under a low-hanging metallic bar and made to leave. Of course, his best friend stopped him, hooking two fingers in the gold shirt.

"Everyone, at your posts," Jim said in his comm, his eyes looking straight into Leo's. As was his duty, Spock repeated the order through the communication system of the ship, and Bones had to leave too.

It took him more than one hour to check on every division, take some last-minute decisions and review that everything Spock had made note off had been fixed. Then he took the route he favored in the whole universe: the one to the Bridge, and to his command chair. The hermetic doors swooshed open and everyone on bridge rose to their feet when he appeared.

"At ease," he said, but without the usual carelessness and self-deprecation that usually went with it. Everyone went back to their tasks, but Nyota's eyes lingered, still standing next to her chair.

He was looking at his PADD and only realized she was still staring at him when Spock asked if anything was the matter. As he raised his head to her, he saw something fierce and unrelenting look back straight into him. It wasn't the first time she'd looked like that. It had started the day of the commemorative ceremony, when Beardsley had verbally attacked him and she'd taken his defense. She'd looked like she was just about ready to jump in front of an angry crowd and defend the honor of … someone close. And he hadn't understood at first. Blind man that he was, he'd thought she was defending Gaila's last words. But now he knew he'd been wrong. She looked at him with the pride she'd always held her head with, her eyes gleaming with bold confidence, and it was confidence in him.

James didn't know who she was defending him from, but she only sat down when he nodded at her that he was okay, and he felt warmth and pride bubble from somewhere deep inside where it was still messy and confused.

Damn, how he loved the kids around him.

.

It was much, much, later that he went to see Bones. The first bridge crew was fast asleep and the whole ship was in one of those moments in between times when all seemed calm and boneless and they belonged in the silent space. It was Jim's favorite moment in the world.

He walked into medical bay and a nurse nodded at him and motioned to the back of the bay, where the CMO's office was. He barely took the time to smile her way, as a new sense of doom dawned on him. He had never told anyone about Tarsus IV. He had never talked about it, never shared about it, and had never intended to.

He knew it was bad when he arrived and Bones was giving him his back, sitting on a chair, crumpled over his desk with a bottle of ancient Earth Jack on his table and a glass in his hand.

"Your shift ended hours ago," Leonard said, his voice low and rusty. "I meant to wait for you," he raised his glass to show what he meant, and then shrugged.

"I'd rather not get smashed drunk on my first night back."

"I wasn't gonna share," Leonard snorted, and he finally turned his head to face his best friend.

Jim was shocked to see Bones's eyes were watery and red. The only time Bones had ever cried in front of him was when he was wasted out of his mind and depressed about his daughter Joanna growing up without him.

"What's that for, Bones?" Jim asked carefully, walking closer and sitting on the chair opposite him.

"Damn it, Jimmy Kirk," he spat the words with something akin to anger, his eyebrows contracting in a frown and his shoulders tense, but then immediately he sighed and relaxed as if he didn't have the strenght to fight anymore. Instead, he locked his eyes on Jim's and, almost solemn, told what sounded like the most sincere words he ever pronunced : "sometimes I'm so proud of you it hurts."

And he gulped down what was left in his glass, pushed the bottle away and life went on.

.

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So? What do you think?