AN: Hello guys! I've had this fic in mind since I saw the trailer. Then I read a prompt on Avengerkink and this came out. It's my first fic and English is not my first language so I'll appreciate any criticisms and pointers on how I could do better. I hope it's not too bad and that it will make you laugh even a bit.

"Big man in a suit of armor, take that away and what are you?"

Tony automatically opens his mouth to say something sarcastic, outrageous and probably spiteful; but then he frowns a little and shuts it, seeming to give the question actual consideration.

"Well, most of the time I'm stark naked," Tony answers at last, arms crossed and a totally serious face.

Natasha smacks a hand on her forehead. For a second she actually believed Stark was going to be serious. She'll never make the same error. Never. Again.

Steve, on his part, is staring at Tony with eyes so big that they could pop right out at any moment.

"Cause you see, the thing is that I usually sleep naked," Tony continues his explanation, undeterred by the growing horror and the even more increasing blush on Steve's face. "And this one time I had to jump out of bed and in the suit to stop some guys without the concept of what is a decent hour to play at being evil. So I found out that the armor feels absolutely great on naked skin!"

Steve is covering his red-hot face with both his hands now. "Oh God! Please, stop!" he whines words coming out muffled, so Tony blatantly ignores him.

"And another amazing thing is that the armor vibrates a little on the outside since I didn't waste too much time insulating it perfectly like the inside," Tony is babbling at the best of his ability and for some reason no one seems able to say something to stop him. "Flying is pretty damn exciting, let me tell you; and now, when I feel like it, I can just take off the detachable groin plates of the suit – I redesigned it just for this purpose – and jerk off with the gauntlet still on."

A slight pause and a deep breath – for dramatic purpose, obviously – and then…

"It feels fucking awesome, better than a vibrator," Tony finally bursts with a big smug grin.

At this Bruce, with his eyes closed, starts murmuring some kind of mantra that sounds something like "I-didn't-need-to-know-that-about-Tony-Stark-sexual-kinks-so-I'm-going-to-forget-the-last-five-minuts-of-my-life."

"So, what about you big guy?" Tony asks at last, his lips stretched in a smirk that would make even Loki proud for the level of mischief in it.

"What?" Steve screeches, coming out from behind his hands to look at Tony in panic.

Tony smirk grows impossibly wide when he sees that the good Captain's blush has expanded to his ears and down his neck, under the collar of his suit. Tony hopes to god he isn't drooling at the thought of how far down that blush goes on that frankly perfect body.

"Oh, come now," Tony starts to circle around Steve like a predator ready to punch. "I bet you go commando too under all that patriotic leather."

"What?" Steve's voice comes out so high-pitched that his throat must be hurting.

"Your pants are so tight that there is no way I couldn't tell if you were wearing underwear and you are totally not," Tony states so while looking intently at that magnificent worship-inducing ass and comes to the conclusion that said ass needs a good explorative squeeze.

At the feel of a hand on his precious virgin ass, Captain America jumps away with an un-manly screech and plasters his back to the nearest wall so fast and hard that it'll probably leave a super-soldier-shaped dent.

Steve eyes are like saucers and they follow Tony every movement, so he can't miss the incredibly huge smirk that curves Tony's mouth when the genius' gaze zeroed in on the slight bulge in Steve's pants.

Steve follows the direction of Tony's eyes and he blushes so hard that he's at high risk of breaking some blood vessels.

And thus the super soldier finds himself doing something he never did before in front of danger; he bolts for the door and runs.

Everybody else is left staring at the door speechless and then all flinch in unison when a gleeful, bordering on madness, laugh leaves Tony's mouth.

Tony doesn't waste any time in deciding to follow the good Captain and heads for the door still chuckling madly.

"Stark, where the fuck are you going?" Fury is the first to recover his wits enough to bark the question everyone his thinking and dreading the answer to.

Tony turns to look at Fury with the giddiest smile ever on his face, like a kid on Christmas morning who got the best of all presents.

"I'm going to finally fulfill the greatest wet dream of all my years as a genius and charming teenager," Tony answers cheerful like he's on very good drugs. Then he waltzes out the door and the others can hear him ask Jarvis to find Steve. There's another collective shudder when Tony starts singing "I want your sex" as he walks away.

"Should we do something?" Bruce asks timidly.

"And risk witnessing something even worse than what we just did? Hell, no!" Fury replies. "As long as they are not killing each other, leave the motherfuckers be."

"Right," Bruce nods and thanks every gods he can think of that he's not in the Captain place. Not even the Hulk could have saved him from Tony Stark when he's got his mind on jumping your bones.

"I do not understand," Thor looks doubtfully at Bruce. "Why would you want to stop the Captain from finally copulating? It is a shame for such a magnificent warrior to still retain his purity."

"How do you know he is a virgin?" Bruce is not proud of the horrified squeak he just produced.

"Some Midgardians used to worship me as the god of fertility as well," Thor answers with a shrug.

"Don't get one of them pregnant," Natasha points a knife at him. "We don't need that!"

"I would never do such a thing without their explicit consent!" Thor pouts, deeply offended.

Everyone else decide that it's better for their sanity to forget that he actually could and that Tony mustn't learn about this. Ever.

End