Plans Never Work

Chapter Fourteen: In Which Inventories Should Be Cleaned

Recap: This is that one fic that updates like once a year that deals with everyone in Sora's heart trying to take over the world/find friends/eat ice cream while Xehanort despairs. Due to opening a Lane In-between at Castle Oblivion, The Glom accidentally landed in the Realm of Darkness. Unfortunately for Vanitas, they ran into a certain keyblade master reclining on a throne of heartless. Pulling Void Gear on Aqua? Probably not a smart plan. Especially since Ven retreated back into Sora's Destiny Islands heart... Meanwhile, The Lingering Will has been obliterating Xehanort while Riku and Axel eat popcorn. Also, the Zipper Conspiracy seems to be making a move...

Aqua hadn't had a great decade. Biggest understatement made since the keyblade wielders of old said a keyblade war wouldn't be a good thing. The past couple years though? Weren't as bad as they could have been.

Seeing Mickey when the worlds were falling had been a slap in the face. He just wandered in and right back out again, no loss of sanity required. She'd considered waiting for him to come back. Her friend would come save her at some point, it'd be uncharacteristic if he just wrote her off and left her forever. But Aqua had waited long enough and waiting to be saved was a foreign concept entirely. She made a decision. It was time for action.

Long story short, she may not have meant to become the queen of the Heartless but it was sure better than talking to herself and dealing with phantoms.

She'd been having a perfectly fine 'day' until now. A rogue Heartless swarm was crushed and the tribute her own creatures gave her was particularly fruitful. It was normal. Nothing special.

But then, it's not like anything could have prepared her for seeing Vanitas.

The boy hadn't aged a day. He looked so much like Ven she felt her heart stop. That was probably the only reason she could even recognize the face of the formerly masked boy. Despite only seeing him once years ago, the twisted version of her friend had been scorched into her heart. Even swallowed in that oversized black coat, she'd know him anywhere. His keyblade gave him away. The girl at his side was barely even registered.

This boy was one of the reasons Ven was asleep.

A keyblade materialized into her hand with a crackle. She felt almost like an observer. Unconnected. What if she shot some fire at him? Ice? She could freeze him solid. Like Ven. He'd be unmoving. Trapped.

Her footrest twitched. With a rush she was back and she kicked the creature. She was in control. Not the Heartless, not Vanitas, and certainly not Xehanort.

"Hi Aqua…" Vanitas waved slowly. His voice confirmed what his weapon stated. It was the boy in the mask but maskless. He whispered something to the girl. "I wasn't expecting to find you here."

"How are you alive?" Aqua coughed, willing away the scratchiness. If he didn't give a good enough explanation, perhaps she was hallucinating again. For once in her life, she actually hoped Vanitas was in front of her. Was this real?

"Funny story actually," he chuckled and paused for an awkward amount of time. "So, I don't actually want to fight you today."

She stood and started walking down her throne. The Heartless shivered under her feet.

"And why should I care about what you want?"

Vanitas looked strangely panicked. Was he arguing with himself? She'd never seen a face twitch so much. Maybe that's why he usually wore a mask? He then groaned and pushed the girl with him forward. "Give me time to get Roxas on board." His hiss was probably something he didn't mean for her to hear.

The girl in pink looked bewildered rather than scared or obviously evil. She ducked her head took a few hesitant steps forward. A heartless in a flat puddle squeaked when the girl stepped on it. She jumped back, a strangely familiar keyblade in hand, with fire sparking from it's tip. The heartless vanished rather than face her.

"My name is Kairi," she introduced herself, "and you know Vanitas. There's also Xion and Roxas." She oddly still gestured at Vanitas. Catching Aqua's expression, Kairi put her lips together. "It's complicated. For some reason there's a whole bunch of people possessing my friend's heart right now? It's probably as interesting as how you got that throne of yours."

"Possession?" Aqua took a deep breath and tried not to think of Terra. "Are you really ok with them taking over your friend?"

"Not at all." Kairi said cheerily with a smile. "As soon as I find out how to kick them all out I'm getting Sora back!"

"Sora."

"Yeah, he's my best friend."

"Next you're going to tell me you know Riku."

"Yeeaaah? He's my other best friend?"

Aqua suddenly got a vague feeling of doom. This wasn't uncommon in the Realm of Darkness. It were the vague feelings of hope she had to worry about.

This world was too small.

"And you said your name is Kairi. Did you happen to come from Radiant Garden by chance?"

Kairi nodded and shot a glance back at Vanitas(?) who ignored her. Aqua started to gather her magic. Vanitas started paying attention then and yelped. His keyblade popped out of existence. Suddenly, the boy started to change. His hair grew blond and flopped down from it's spikes into a short, asymmetric cut. He looked surprisingly like-

"I'M VEN!" The boy screamed, "please don't kill us."

"Ven?" Impossible. He couldn't- not without her- Aqua had only planned on clearing out the heartless so she could get down from her perch but this? They dare taunt her?! Thunder crackled. "Prove it."

"Uh…" Granted his voice did sound very much like Ven. "I want to find my friends, Aqua- um, you- and Terra. I hate Xehanort. I can yodel."

Kairi hid her face in her hands with every word.

"You can yodel." Aqua stated.

"Yes…?" The fake nodded.

"So this makes you Ven?"

"Um," he gave a searching glance when his facial expression suddenly changed. "Aqua, you're one of my very best friends. So, I'm going to do something that only friends do."

Aqua waited, honestly not sure how to respond. Kairi tilted her head slightly, tensing.

"Let's go get ice cream!"

Yeah. This wasn't Ven.

She remembered the Disney Town tickets and how embarrassed he'd been giving them to Terra and her. Sure, some of that was because some duck had pointed out the age difference between them all, but Ven had a habit of turning red when he suggested something. Embarrassment, frustration, excitement… He was defensive. After all, Ven was a teenager. The being in front of her seemed to be an actual child.

At least she knew for sure it wasn't Vanitas putting on a show. She doubted he had enough sincerity in his heart for such a dessert declaration.

A thought caught Aqua. Did she still have some Disney Town ice cream in her inventory? Huh. She did! She looked at Kairi and vaguely wondered if it had been long enough for a little kid to almost catch up with her in age what that really meant for the ice cream. Like it was magically frozen and everything. Technically it shouldn't have aged. The sundae probably wasn't lethal.

Did that make it ok to eat?

Or if not eat, exactly, would it be ok to taste? Or to give to a test subject?

Oh kingdom hearts, she really needed to clean out her inventory.

The not-Ven in front of her stared at the ice cream she'd pulled out looking mystified. Aqua put aside the darkness creeping at her hear and put the sundae away before she tried to use it to solve the problem of the terrible imposter.

Aqua realized she was spacing again. The two teens in front of her had definitely moved. They could have even said something.

"I know you're not Ven." She finally released her magic and zapped her throne of darkness to oblivion. The heartless had known better than to squirm. The imposter screamed in terror while Kairi unnecessarily guarded with her flowery keyblade.

"Vanitas said you'd kill us!" Not-Ven's hands raised in a pleading apology.

"And you believed him?" Kairi shook her head. "I don't know him well but-"

"He believed himself!" Was the answering shriek, "And given that blast I don't blame him for being scared of Ven's friend. That was more terrifying than Larxene!"

"Eh heh." Kairi tapped her fingers on her weapon.

"You've obviously never met Larxene. Just ask Namine."

Aqua touched down on the ground, her silver shoes not making any imprint on the dirt below. How nice should she be? Despite lying and traveling with Vanitas, she got the sense these weren't bad kids. Kairi's Light was just as special as it had been over a decade(?) ago. Even the weird possession situation wasn't leaking Darkness. She cleared her throat.

"You have a lot of nerve pretending to be one of my friends."

"Sorry but it was only supposed to be until Vanitas brought Ven out."

"You're still trying to-" Aqua growled but the kid started talking incredibly fast.

"No, he is actually in here. He just got fed up and when back into Sora's heart. I swear he's here."

"He is," Kairi confirmed. "He's been looking for you and Terra."

She wanted proof. She wanted to know how far to raise her hopes. She wanted her friend.

"Then why isn't he out here?"

…

Vanitas in the past had underestimated Aqua a bit. Then he'd gotten beaten up and found what kind of unversed regret makes; Nothing useful and all the more regrettable was the answer. Even then, years ago he would have just smirked and challenged her anyway. He'd push himself to win because he was better than everyone- that weak little Ventus and all his pathetic friends.

However, after spending over ten years relaxing on a beach away from anyone to prove anything too his mind had changed. Especially since it seemed Aqua had spent the entire decade becoming a reigning queen of heartless. He knew he was rusty, meanwhile she would have had to sharpen herself with the finest grit in existence. She was terrifying and Ven was his only hope of survival.

"VEN! VENTUS? BLOND BOY WITH THE SPIKEY HAIR?" Vanitas raced over the sand, desperate to find his light side. He just hoped Roxas could act well enough to keep Aqua from obliterating Sora's body for long enough.

No one was around.

In horror, his stride shortened as he swept his eyes over the beach. Why was it so quiet? Xehanort was supposed to be here as well and nary a monologue could be heard. A shiver ran down Vanitas's back.

Where could they have gone?

He ducked into the secret place but there was nothing but drawings. He ran his fingers over one and turned back around to the beach. Maybe everyone was just on the other side of the island?

He felt an unversed bubble up in his chest but pushed it back. This was fine. There was a logical explanation for all this. For all he knew, Ven was just so angry with him that he was deliberately hiding. It'd happened before. Ha, luckily he knew every square inch of this island. He couldn't avoid him forever.

He started to check the usual places. On top of the trees, below the bridge, inside the amazing sandcastle that had won the last contest… Yet no Ven. He branched out to the utterly obvious places that usually Ven avoided since they were too easy to guess.

When he reached the treehouse he heard a noise. It was some low murmuring. Vanitas held his breath and kicked open the door with a bang.

"Did ya' miss me?" He said grandly with a broad smile. A smile that immediately flipped when he saw his old master and the computer.

"No." Xehanort sniffed. "Your usefulness is questionable at this stage. I'll have to find someone else. Perhaps that Zexion could do? Hmm yes…"

"I don't miss anyone." Data Ansem said.

Vanitas looked from man to bot.

He was starting to feel more doom than usual.

…

"You… want to buy the haunted mansion?" Nancy, Twilight Town's real estate agent tried to clarify.

"Correct, kupo." The moogle in front of her nodded, the red ball attached to his head springing up and down like an appealing cat toy.

Recently, property had been really moving for Nancy. Technically her entire country had just been bought. She wasn't exactly sure she'd ever wanted her government to be run by an ice cream tycoon kid but given one of the few things the representative of the company had shared they were anti-heartless and promised to protect the world, there were worse things. If only she could have handled the sale! Just thinking of that commission made her salivate. She loved her job.

However, the haunted mansion was another story.

No one actually owned the property. Which meant she couldn't sell it.

The rumors ranged from it being a place for ghosts to some strange man who wore belts over his face stayed there. No one could remember where it came from. It was just there during the time when all those people went missing. Some people said the house ate them up, while others blamed a mad scientist for abducting people as test subjects. Regardless of the truth, no one in town wanted to mess with it.

"Could I interest you in a nice little apartment on main street? It has a great view."

"No. I need the basement of the mansion kupo." The moogle was starting to sound annoyed.

"This house near the train station-"

The moogle cut her off with a look. Nancy hadn't even known moogle's could look so scary. Then he muttered something about he wished he'd gone with the cards. How odd.

"I can give you a good discount on potions if you get me in that mansion. It's a good deal."

"My health insurance is actually fine as is."

"Do you need a tent?"

"I have my own cottage."

The moogle shook his head. "Thank you for your time, kupo." Then he walked away. Nancy couldn't help but watch as he shrugged on a black cloak. Oh. He was one of those people. She didn't watch any further, but did note he seemed to be going for the mansion anyways.

Oh well, perhaps he could negotiate a sale with one of the ghosts. Nancy didn't compete with the dead.

…

"I think Xehanort's defeated." Riku commented and shoved another handful of popcorn in his mouth. "I think if we gave Terra a ride then he could finish off the rest of the vessels. Then we could just go home and not worry about any prophecies or keyblade wars."

Axel shrugged. He didn't think the old man was going to get back up either. The armor looked awfully pleased with himself for someone without a visible face.

Mickey shook his head.

"Garsh guys, that sounds nice but Xehanort's a tricky one. I thought I saw the last of him ten years ago and yet there he is."

"There he was, you mean." Axel gestured to the unmoving lump. Mickey winced.

"I'm just worried it's going to come out that this was his plan all along and all we've done is play into his wildly gesticulating hands." The king looked down and Riku shook his head.

"I don't think so Mickey. I honestly think that no one expected things to go like this. All the hearts inside Sora were something Xehanort could never account for, let alone all the other headaches. That's what Xehanort gets for trying to win with a plan that uses time travel with dreams during a test he had no way of knowing would even happen."

"Unless he teamed up with old Yen Sid." Axel said. The other two looked at him. "Look, I think we've agreed he's somewhat suspicious."

"Speak for yourself," Mickey argued. Riku patted him lightly on the arm.

"Whatever, but this test? Is the worst. And I had to make up for missing like two years of school." He tried to joke but couldn't help but shiver. Making up that time had not been fun. Neither Maleficent nor DiZ had kept him up on his academics.

"Your majesty," Axel drawled, "are you sure your pointy hatted master is above suspicion? Positively?"

"Of course!" Mickey said loyally.

"He's never told you to do anything suspicious? Like I don't know, to keep something from us? Or leave some ally in danger? Orders that you question? That turned you against a friend?" His voice dipped into something sad and he sighed.

The king remained silent. He almost seemed to say something but dropped it. To break the quiet, Riku threw a popcorn kernel at Axel. This, of course, led to a popcorn war.

Upon the plains of the Keyblade Graveyard, where wars of Light and Darkness once raged, popcorn was tossed with wild abandon. Handfuls were shoved down dark cloaks. Fingers, shiny with butter, flicked kernels with deadly accuracy. White globs covered the dust of an ancient battlefield.

It was all good fun until the Lingering Will joined in.

…

A man walked through a dark corridor, shivering. He didn't like the feel of Darkness, especially now. Unfortunately, he didn't know what else to do. He only had one lead on where to go and he couldn't just give up because of some Darkness.

He could feel the power over his skin but ignored it. It wasn't anything compared to what he'd survived before.

Then, as was sometimes the case, images flashed over his eyes. He saw the future sometimes. Why? He didn't know. He had never actually told anyone either since it had never really seemed important. Surely it wasn't anything special. He usually paid it as little attention as the present. It wouldn't be far off to describe him as spacey.

"What." He said softly when it finished. He blinked a few times. For once it wasn't doom.

He'd never guessed his future would be filled with such absurdity of all things.

…

Kairi didn't know how it happened, but everyone had mostly calmed down. Even if Vanitas was taking forever with Ven, Aqua was reasonable enough. She wasn't sure what to think of Ven's friend, especially with her familiarity. Certainly odd, probably needed to work on her people skills a little. She didn't know what the choice of environment really said about the woman.

"What are you doing in the Realm of Darkness?" Kairi couldn't stop herself from asking. This dark beach was not a prime vacation spot, and surely if Aqua was such a strong keyblade master they could have used her help earlier.

"I…" Aqua blinked, "I tried to save a friend and this was the price."

"So do you have to stay here then?"

"Kairi, I would take being on literally any other world rather than be stuck here one more second." Her voice shook with conviction.

"Oh." Kairi searched what she had on her. Darn it, no bottle. "Roxas? Xion? You can open a portal, right?"

The remaining pair of the Glom looked at her with searching eyes. Then they shrugged.

"Probably," was said. There was a slight change in posture. "If you can't, I can try."

Aqua gaped at them. Like full on jaw dropping, eyes wide, and a vague squeak kind of gape.

"That easy?" Her voice was pitched high enough to shatter glass. "You can just- just- portal out?"

Kairi shrugged. She considered bringing up her method but it didn't seem worth it. Were those tears? Was Aqua crying?

The two ice cream fanatics in an oversized organization cloak nodded. Corridors of Darkness were handy like that.

"Here," they waved a hand. Nothing happened. "Let me try, Roxas. It's not like you ever made one yourself. You don't know that! There." Another hand wave. A swirl of darkness gathered.

It puffed out, absorbed by the surrounding darkness.

Kairi raised an eyebrow. She was pretty sure she'd seen a dog create a better Corridor than that.

"Just give us a second," the Glom apologized. "I'm sure it's nothing serious."

After enough hand waves to complete the macarena twice Aqua suddenly screeched, "Enough!"

"I don't think it's gonna work." Kairi said hesitantly. She wondered what else she could use as a message in a bottle, and whether it'd even work from this side of the realm. "Don't panic though, it's not like that was our only option." She heard a quiet thump and looked over to Aqua who'd dropped to her knees. She then just laid down with a groan.

"I give up." She said with her voice as flat as hidden shadow, "first you say I'm going to see Ven, then you say I'm finally getting out of this cursed place-"

"Aqua," Kairi crouched down to pat her shoulder reassuringly.

"Nope. I'm done."

The Glom pulled something from their inventory and hummed. A stick of sea-salt ice cream was in their hand. They, probably Xion, put it into Aqua's hand- not taking no for an answer. That brought something else to mind.

"Seriously Aqua, these two can't last long without ice cream. We're getting back to the Realm of Light somehow, soon."

"Friendship demands it."

A/N: Hey guys? Soooo it's been a year again. I can't even believe it. If this keeps up KH3 might be out before chapter 16... Which is not something I ever seriously considered. However, especially with some of the trailers, I kinda want to try to end this before KH3. This is already an old fic and it's winding down. There's still a few more chapters left but like we've reached the final stretch. Thank you so much everyone for keeping up with this mess lol.

Speaking of trailers... So Aqua? Yeah I'm not following KH3 trailer continuity for the most part. She remains un-norted or heartless'd or whatever. In Plans, she's took over the Realm of Darkness but hasn't actually fallen to Darkness. We don't need ANOTHER Xehanort in this story XD

On to thanking my lovely reviewers! :D

Riku Uzumaki: Yes! Like I have a not so secret desire for Terra to actually be the one to take Xehanort down because oh my goodness, Terra definitely deserves it. Picturing the Lingering Will doing the smackdown is also satisfying. Ven definitely has stuff going on lol... And yes, Aqua is the Queen. She got tired of just wandering and went in for some conquering. I support her. Thank you so much for reviewing :D

GNY-002 Gundam Sadalsuud: Sunglasses are awesome. Like ngl, I actually sketched out Aqua on her throne in all her sunglasses wearing glory while working on this chapter because I could not help myself. Xehanort is definitely out for the count right now... Lingering Will hits hard and doesn't take prisoners. Who needs seven guardians of light when you have a suit of armor running off of spite? Lol. As for Terra's actual body, tis complicated lol... I hope you enjoyed this chapter as well, thank you!

dopplerdee: She has the best throne. What else would be worthy? lol. Anyways, thanks :)

MugetsuPipefox: All hail Queen Aqua! And yes, LW vs Xehanort is a fight I'd actually love to see. Would it be one sided? Absolutely, and gloriously. Thank you :D

UnknownUnseenUnheard: Thank you so much for reviewing! I'm glad you enjoy Aqua's conquest. I figure if she's gonna be stuck there for years, why not make the best of things?

Darkangelwitch: Queen Aqua has a fantastic throne. She changes out the heartless whenever it suits her. Aww, I'm glad you liked the Lingering Will's d-link section! Thank you so much, you rock!

The Keeper of Worlds: Pear shaped is definitely on way to put it lol! And things are still unfolding mwahahaha. I am so looking forward to Castle Oblivion btw... Thank you :)

This User is a Troll: Aww, thank you! As for pairings? I'm not really planning on anything, as shipping isn't exactly my thing lol. I might have a few hints, like Kairi and Sora or whatever, but nothing that couldn't be read as just being really close either. As you said, this is Crack and that's the focus XD

And thank you everyone else, and I apologize, as always, for my terrible update schedule. See you next chapter!

Next Time: The problems (and solution) of leaving the Realm of Darkness