(I fought them all off)

Just to hold you close and tight

by dr. Tea.

Chapter 24 - Meeting the Hand of Death

Every day hurt. It hurt so much, he didn't know if he would be able to put up with it. But he still endured, every hour of it. Three years had passed. Three years! Three years since he, in his infinite wisdom, had put a spell on Arthur, causing him to lose all his memories of their time together. Causing him to forget that he loved Merlin.

One would think that Merlin would get used to it after a while. But that wasn't the case. At first, he had tried to keep his spirit going. Just one more day, then he'll remember. But after a while, his hope had faded. And now, 1095 days later, it was completely gone. Arthur would never remember. And, objectively speaking, it was probably for the best. He was a very good king, now that Merlin wasn't distracting him. He was the king Merlin always knew he could be.

He knew he should be happy for him. He should rejoice. But not being able to be with Arthur the way he wanted to was just too painful. When he thought back to that moment when he had put the spell on him, he often got lost in his own thoughts. He would just stand there, with a blank expression, cursing himself for what he had done.

And sometimes, he would even think that this was the way it was supposed to be. That this was indeed, his destiny. Maybe he and Arthur were never meant for eachother.

Arthur had noticed something was wrong with Merlin. Many times, he had asked what was wrong. But Merlin couldn't tell him.

He heard Arthur's voice somewhere in the room. He knew he should pay attention. He was talking about the disappearance of sir Gwaine and sir Percival. Both of them were good friends of Merlin. But even now, he couldn't take his mind off the eternal self-torture.

Even though he wasn't really paying attention, he managed to get a picture of the plan. They were going to search for the missing knights. Rumors spoke of Morgana. Merlin was sick of her. He was sick of everything really. And, of course this too, was a trap. So obvious. At least this time, Arthur was a little more careful. Their plan was to approach Ismear from the west. Somewhat better, but Merlin had a bad feeling.

He was so spaced out that when he got out of the meeting-room, he stumbled right into a servant. She was carrying a plate with plums, and they fell all over the place.

"Sorry!" Merlin said. It was the first word he had said that day, and his voice was a little rusty.

"It's fine, really, I'm the one who should apologize." the girl said. She was nice. And most men would call her pretty. Yes, maybe Merlin too found her attractive. He looked at her. No. No matter how hard he tried to be drawn to her, she just wasn't Arthur. In any way. Merlin sighed. Was he doomed to hang on to this hopeless love for the rest of his days?

"Merlin!" Arthur called. He went to him straight away, not wasting another second on the girl.

Arthur had a serious look on his face.

"Merlin, tell me what the matter is." he said. It was a command, he could tell by the strictness of his voice. Merlin's heart crumbled for a second, but he didn't give in.

"I don't think we should go. I think it's a trap." he said, pretending his worry was the reason for his despair.

"I don't care if it's a trap or not. I have to rescue my men. You know that, right?" Merlin looked away. "Look at me." No. "Merlin!" Arthur grabbed his shoulder in a stern grip. It hurt, but that was okay.

"Let go." Merlin didn't know why he said that. He didn't want him to let go. He wanted him to hold on to him like he cared, even if it hurt. Arthur let go.

The next day, they rode out. And it wasn't a small party. A little army, more like. Not that that made Merlin feel any safer. The feeling in his chest wouldn't let go. This quest wasn't a good idea. Even if it was to save Gwaine and Percival. He hadn't felt this paranoid in years. But he really felt like this could be the end. The end of Arthur.

And despite that feeling, he didn't say anything. It was hard to describe the silence that had hit him. It was like nothing mattered anymore. Arthur mattered! He always mattered. Then why didn't Merlin ask him to give it up? Well, maybe it was because he knew any try to persuade Arthur would be fruitless. At least that was the excuse he gave himself. But the truth was that he wanted something to happen. For three years, there had been peace. So maybe if something different happened, Arthur would remember. It was a long shot, but for the first time in months, Merlin found himself hoping.

Merlin's worry only grew stronger on the way. And that wasn't unexpected. Already on the first day, they came across an unpleasant scene.

It looked to have been a little village. But someone, or something had destroyed it all. Dead bodies lay scattered all over. Women and children. Young and old. The gray mist that covered it all gave Merlin chills. But there was something more about this place. He had that feeling he often had when something magical was close. He was about to tell Arthur that the place was cursed and that they should leave, but then he heard a voice whispering his druid name.

"Emrys." the voice said. Merlin barely managed to make out where the voice came from. His gaze turned to the opening of a cave. His name sounded again. Yes, that was definitely where it came from. He wasn't too keen on leaving Arthur and the rest of the party, but he was too curious not too. So he made his way into the cave.

The cave was cold and smelled of wet rock. A little like the dungeons in Camelot. Someone had lived in there, because Merlin saw several items, like a chair and some books. He went deeper and deeper into the cave, and when he couldn't get further, he found a man. He was dead, like all the others. Laying in an uncomfortable position next to a little pond of water. Merlin wasn't afraid of corpses. He leaned closer to the old man. There was a mark on his wrist that he found interesting, so he studied it closer.

The man suddenly woke up, grabbing Merlin by his arm. He was startled, of course, who wouldn't be? A corpse just grabbed him. But he didn't panic. There was no way this old (not so dead) man could harm him. So instead of running away, he took the opportunity to ask some questions.

"What happened to you? Who did this to your village?"

"That it happened at all, is all that matters." The old man said in a rusty voice. He hadn't used it for quite some time it would seem. Well, dead men don't speak much, do they? "I have been haunted by this moment, for many years. Since long before you set foot on this earth, Emrys." The old man continued. "I have waited for its arrival for so long in my heart." He leaned up closer to Merlin. "For even as Camelot flowers, so the seeds of her destructions are being sown. The prophets speak of Arthur's bain." As soon as the old man mentioned the king's name, Merlin was all ears. "You would do well to fear it. For it stalks him. Like a ghost in the night. If you do not act quickly, Emrys, even you cannot alter the neverending circle. Of. His. Fate." And those were the last words the old man managed to get out. His head fell back again, and his hand fell into the little pond. The moment his fingers touched the surface, the water changed, and a vision was shown to Merlin.

He had seen glimpses of the future before. He had seen prophecies and worse, but not like this. It was so real, it felt like he was looking right at it happening.

He saw a battlefield, covered in flames. He heard the screams of men dying. And in the middle, he saw Arthur. And another man, facing each other. Merlin felt like he had seen the man before, but he couldn't make out when or where. Arthur and the man drew swords. But this fight wasn't like other fights. Arthur didn't win like he always did. The young man's sword pierced through Arthur's armour. And he fell to his knees.

"Is he alive?" A voice called Merlin back to the real world. The vision disappeared. Merlin looked up, and saw Arthur standing there. Alive and well. Maybe that was what made Merlin's eyes water a little. "What is it?" Arthur asked. Always so caring. Even though things weren't as they used to be. Merlin fought in silence to keep his tears back. What he had just seen was Arthur's death. "Come on, Merlin, you've seen a dead body before. As soon as we've given these people a proper burial we're moving out." Arthur said, exiting the cave.

The last time Merlin had been told about the future, he had found it a heavy burden, and it had caused him many sleepless nights. But the feeling he had this time was something entirely different. He couldn't lay still. He couldn't close his eyes. He needed to know more. Who was the young man? Where was the battle? When the old man had said 'if you don't act soon', how soon had he meant? And how would Merlin know when to act? All these questions and a million more chased around in his head. Everyone else was sleeping. He knew of one who could answer at least some of his questions. The dragon.

Unable to lay there without knowing, he got up, and left the party to seek out the dragon.

As always, the mighty creature came when he called for it. It was quite a time since he had seen Kilgharrah, and he thought it was nice to see his... Well, friend, again. But he wasted no time.

"I need to know about s druid symbol. A black spiral, and within it a thin, yellow koil."

"It is the mark of Avatis, a druid seer. Where did you encounter him?"

"On my journey here. He warned me of Arthur's bain."Merlin hoped to the gods that the dragon could tell him more than the old man had.

"His bain?" The dragon seemed to be oblivious to what Merlin was talking about. Merlin felt his heart sink. Maybe if he explained a little bit...

"And then he showed me a battle. A terrible battle. Arthur was fighting for his life. I saw him wounded. I saw him fall."

"Avatis' prophecy are unrivaled. Even by the high priestesses."

"So this battle will come to pass?"

"I do not know, young warlock. But one thing is certain. This was no chance meeting."

"You think I should heed his warning?"

"There was a time when the words of Avatis were considered a gift." Merlin sighed internally. So he got no comfort, and no council from the dragon.

"Then why do they feel like a burden?"

"You were singled out for a reason, Merlin. Now, more than ever, it is you and you alone who can keep Arthur safe."

Needless to say, Merlin got no sleep that night. And on the ride the next day, he felt more dead than alive. He didn't pay attention to anything. All he could see was Arthur falling to his knees, and to his death.

That evening they arrived at queen Annises castle. Since they were travelling through her land, it was only proper that they should pay her a visit.

When they greeted her, Arthur was as polite as ever, bowing deeply.

"I'm so grateful that you've allowed us safe passage through your kingdom." he said.

"We are allies, Arthur, and these are troubled times."

After the short greeting, there was a small party, where they were all invited as guests. Well, all the knights anyway. Merlin just stood in the back, listening to the royal's conversation. Annis told Arthur that saxons had been raiding villages, gathering men to bring to Izmir. They were going to work for Morgana, who seemed to be looking for something under the great castle. That made Arthur come to the conclusion that his men were still alive, since Morgana needed the manpower. The conversation changed subject when the queen said:

"I think it's time for some entertainment. I would love to see your fool perform. Despite all his failings he must have some skill." she was looking directly at Merlin, who was pouring Arthur more wine. Arthur looked a bit confused, but then he smiled.

"You'd think so, wouldn't you? Well, you heard the queen. Jump to it." Merlin leaned closer to Arthur.

"I'm not a fool." he said.

"That's debatable." sir Leon, who was sitting next to Arthur chuckled. Stupid knights.

"And I don't have any skills." Merlin said, trying to get out of this. He didn't want to perform for anyone. Especially since his mind was busy with other things.

"I know that. But we can't refuse the queen when she's granted us safe passage, can we?" And with that, Arthur started clapping, and everyone joined in, urging Merlin to step in front of the crowd and entertain them.

It was true, Merlin had no skills that belonged on a stage, whatsoever. But, of course, he had is magic. He figured he could give himself the ability to juggle. So he did just that.

At first he started off with three eggs, catching them perfectly. Arthur's face looked more and more shocked. But when Merlin pulled out another egg, he looked honestly amazed. Of course it was no problem juggling when he was under a spell, so Merlin didn't mess it up. He ended his act with making the eggs disappear behind his back. Well, for the record, he did get a lot of applause, so he figured it was somewhat of a success.

They were going to share a room, because, apparently that was common in this castle. Merlin was going to sleep on a small bed in the corner of the room. He was happy he got to be in the same room as Arthur, and yet, it made his stomach hurt. Images of how they used to cuddle up together in Arthur's big, comfy bed kept appearing before his eyes.

He was sitting by the fireplace, looking into the flames. They were both quiet, until Arthur spoke.

"Where did you learn to juggle like that? Honestly, I didn't even know you could catch."

"Yes, well... I have many talents. You fail to notice them, that's all." he shouldn't talk to him like that. Arthur wasn't to blame for any of Merlin's misfortune. And yet... Merlin saw him as a guilty party.

"Come on, out with it. You've been even more gloomy than usual ever since we left that cave." Merlin bit his lip. Hard. He wanted to tell Arthur everything. But... He couldn't bring himself to. Everytime he was on the verge of spilling it all out, his tongue turned to led in his mouth. His chest hurt. Even if he did tell Arthur about everything that had happened, there was a chance that Arthur wouldn't even believe him. I love you. I love you so much, he thought. "Answer me." Arthur said, due to Merlin keeping silent. There was something about the tone that sounded almost beggingly.

"Morgana is dangerous. I'm just... Worried that something will happen to you." Merlin answered without looking at him, his eyes still fixed on the dancing flames.

"No, that's not it." Merlin flinched, and forced himself to look at Arthur. He was just as gorgeous as ever, the warm light of the fireplace complementing his golden hair.

"What do you mean 'that's not it'?"

"You've been like this for too long. For three years! You never used to be like this!" Arthur raised his voice, and Merlin's eyes widened. Did Arthur remember something? His heart jumped up in his throat, threatening to climb out of his mouth.

"Do you remember?" Merlin asked, quietly. Afraid of the answer.

"Remember what?" his heart fell back in place. He was such an idiot for getting his hopes up for the smallest of things. He was pathetic. His duty was to protect Arthur, and that should be his only concern. He clenched his fists. Arthur noticed the tension in him. "I remember you always used to cheer me up." the words hurt. He wanted to keep cheering him up. He wanted everything to be like they used to.

"I..." he didn't know what he should say. "I'm sorry." he could see frustration on Arthur's face. How long did he have to endure this distance between them?

They left Annises' castle a few hours before dawn. Merlin was quiet. Arthur tried to keep the spirit of his men up, which he succeeded at, as always. If Merlin hadn't been so busy worrying about what lay ahead, he would've noticed all the concerned glances Arthur gave him.

Merlin kept to himself all night. He tried to sleep, but it was hard. Maybe he fell asleep just right before dawn.

In the cold morning-mist, they were ambushed. Morgana's soldiers came from every direction. Merlin's mind instantly searched for a way of getting Arthur out of there. And then they all saw Morgana. She was there too.

"Run!" Arthur ordered. But there wasn't anywhere to escape to. Their camp soon turned into a battlefield. Everything was chaos. Soldiers screaming in pain, cutting each other down. Merlin was separated from Arthur rather quickly. He was forced to retreat, because three large men came at him at once. He ran for it, and, with some luck - and a little bit of magic -, he managed to get away. His eyes searched for Arthur. But he couldn't find him.

His heart stopped when he saw him lying on the ground. Without a second thought he ran to him. He was heavy, but when it came to situations like this, Merlin was strong. Because he had to be. He dragged Arthur away from the battlefield. Some soldiers came after them, but of course, they were no match for Merlin's magic.

He carried Arthur as far as he could, which was surprisingly far. He collapsed from exhaustion, dropping them both on the ground. It was cold. He had to make a fire.

Arthur woke up just a few minutes later.

"Ah... What happened?" he was obviously in pain.

"You don't remember?"

"No." Well, there was nothing new about Arthur not remembering things, he thought bitterly. "Where are we? Where are the others?"

"There was nothing I could do. I had to get you to safety."

"What really happened?"

"The usual! I saved you!" Merlin didn't mean to raise his voice as much as he did. It was just that he hated that Arthur didn't believe he was able to protect him. It was his destiny after all. "And I can juggle. I keep telling you, I have many talents." he added, to light the mood a little. It was a while since he had done that. It felt good.

They had walked all day long, before they had to give in to hunger, and the cold. They took shelter beside a stone, which provided cover from the wind. They lay there, back to back. It was so long since Merlin had been this close to the king. It was freezing. "Arthur?"

"Hm?" he sounded half-asleep.

"I need to tell you something."

"What?"

"In the village... The old man in the cave-"

"Let it go, Merlin."

"No. I need you to listen to me. Right before he died, he warned me. He said that you were in danger, and that the danger was near."

"He was dying."

"Why would he tell me that? He didn't even know whether or not I knew you. I think he was a druid seer."

"You expect me to listen to a sorcerer?" that hit quite hard. Merlin had to focus on breathing calmly.

"We have to turn back." he said.

"I can't. Even if what he said was true. It makes no difference." Merlin pushed himself up on his elbows, turning towards Arthur.

"Arthur... What about everything we've worked so hard to create. Everything we've begun." Merlin didn't know why he said 'we', but it sounded right to him. Arthur turned around too, so that they were both facing each other.

"Look. No matter what adversities we face, we stand for what is right. Betrayal of belief, Merlin, that will destroy everything we've strived for." The way he said his name, and the fact that he also used the word 'we', made it almost impossible for Merlin to control himself. He wanted to lean in and kiss him just like he used to. He didn't even remember what he tasted like anymore. "I swear that I'm going to rescue my men. Or die trying." Arthur said, and with the conviction in his voice, there was no arguing.

"And I swear, that I will protect you, or die at your side." Arthur gave him a small smile, one of those smiles they used to share. Then the king reached out his hand, and dragged his fingers through Merlin's hair. It surprised him. The gentle touch of the other's hand was familiar, yet distant to his memory. He didn't take his eyes away from Arthur's. He heard himself drag in a sharp breath of cold air. Arthur's hand was cold, he could feel his fingertips on his scalp. Come back to me, he silently begged in his mind. The hand left him all too quickly, and it was as if it never happened. But it had.

When Merlin woke up, they were both facing each other again. Arthur had put his arm over him (in his sleep, obviously). It was nice to have him this close. The king was awake, but he didn't move from the position. They suddenly heard noises. Arthur put his hand over Merlin's mouth. It was so cold, it was almost icy. He made sure to breathe out, heavily, warming the other's hand with his breath.

None of them were looking forward to another day of walking.

"We should've had a horse." Arthur complained. It wasn't often he was the first one to complain.

"Or a pig."

"You can't ride a pig."

"No, but we could roast it. And serve it with apples."

"Merlin."

"No, you're right. We shouldn't waste those apples. We'd put them in a pie." Merlin hadn't made a joke in ages. But for some reason, despite being in one of the worst situations ever, his mood has been rising. And he knew why.

"Stop it." Arthur said.

"We have to eat something." as if sent down from heaven, right in front of them, they could see two rabbits. Merlin walked over to pick them up. Arthur was the only one who realized it was a trap.

"Merlin!" he called out, and tried to grab Merlin to drag him away from them. But it was too late. Just a second later, they were both lifted from the ground in a net.

"I got them." Merlin said. Arthur just groaned.

Somehow, even though their position in the net was extremely uncomfortable, they managed to fall asleep. They woke up when they were dropped to the ground.

"Sorry, did I wake you?" an unfamiliar voice asked, and a man, followed by several companions showed up. Arthur instantly reached for his sword, but the man was quicker, and stepped on it. "Not so fast." he said, and picked up the sword. "The king of Camelot." it sounded like he had just found gold. Which he sort of had. "You will fetch a handsome reward. Dead, or alive." He pointed the sword at Arthur. "Any last requests?" Arthur wasn't afraid.

"Let my servant go. He doesn't deserve to die like this." one of the man's lackeys pulled Merlin to his feet. But there was no way Merlin was going to let this be the end.

"If you're going to kill him. You're going to have to kill me first."

"Merlin..." Arthur said, warningly. "Step aside."

"You know I never do as I'm told." the man turned to Merlin, now ready to stab him before Arthur. A plan, think of something. Magic? Is that really the only way?

"Stop!" someone suddenly shouted. Another person came walking out of the woods. Oh, thank god, they were saved. But then Merlin saw his face. And his heart stopped. This couldn't be. No. NO.

Author's note; Two years. I'm ashamed of myself. And I offer my sincerest apologies. I will finish this fiction now. So bare with me as I write the last few chapters. I was able to write this chapter because I got this adorable review by user: OnceaSuperWhoLockian. Thank you so much. It helped me through a pretty bad block I had on this fiction. Now I'm all up for finishing it. Thank you all for reading my story.