A/N: This is a work of parody. Obviously. I also feel the need to assert that I've never read 50 Shades of Grey, but have seen the excellent parody of it here on FFnet called '51 Tints of Granite' and it is apparently worryingly similar in writing to the original. Cover artwork done by Sepherene (dot tumblr dot com).
I also strongly recommend checking out the chat log from the livestream where this was first conceived, as some of the commentary there is truly MST-worthy: (slash) 01jul8vrq9ff
Have fun, and may God have mercy on all our souls.
Unleash your inner deviant, Azira said. Oh god, like, wow. Geez. What did he mean by that?
"Your wings, Crowley. I want them. Unleash them."
Oh, like, wow! He wanted to see my wings?! I wasn't sure if I was okay with him ordering me around like that, but he was so hot and gorgeous, with his golden hair and his tartan tie
Suddenly his hands were on my hips, GEEZ, WHAT?
Suddenly he is holding me by the back of my neck, bending me over, over his desk! Wow!
"Azzzsss…azira!" I gasp wantonly, my body writhing in the conflict of my god-given chastity and the urges of my inner deviant.
His hands tighten on my neck. "you're hissing„ Crowley," he says darkly, his voice vibrating against my back. "You know what that does to me."
I want to resist him, but I don't really want to want to resist him, you know? And oh god-Satan-Manchester it feels so good to have his firm, pudgy arms all around me, almost cutting off my breath.
"I'm sssorrry," I squeak. "I d-didn't mean to-"
"You're doing it again," Azira tells me and flips me over so I'm facing him again, the desk hard against my back and setting off all the right sensations.
His eyes are just so freaking gorgeous, geez, they make my inner deviant turn to mush and go all powerful all at once, controlling me, overpowering every other instinct!
His eyes are so intense, staring right into my soul, like they know me better than I do myself - and wow, he's just - who'd be able to resist him? Who? Not me. Not any other man, woman, demon on this Earth.
He could look at God himself and the Big Guy would beg to be had and taken violently, oh god, that's totally sacrilegious isn't it?
"Pleassse," I gasp. "Please, Mr. Fell" wow, I almost manage not to hiss, but his eyes still darken lustfully at me, his gorgeous camel-like lashes quivering invitingly.
"What do you want from me, Mr. Fell?" I gasp out, unable to contain myself under his hot gaze. Oh wow, I think I'm about to come just from looking at him, wow! Geez! I mean, whoa there, Nelly!
"Your tongue," he says, his voice vibrating like a dozen vibrators!
My eyes widen. "I-I'm sssssory?"
He pushes me down flat onto the desk, with force, oh geez! "Don't do that with your eyes," he growls. "They're so beautiful and golden, I can't control myself when you do that."
Oh god, just, wow, Jesus. I can't tell whether to be scared or excited of THAT insinuation. If he's really insinuating what I think he's insinuating here, i mean. Because it sounds like he's insinuating that if I bat my eyes at him, he'll lose all control and take me right there on the table.
But wait, isn't that what we were going to do anyway? I'm so confused.
"Pay attention, Crowley," Mr. Fell jerks me roughly by the neck, his perfectly-manicured hands grasping my jaw, oh wow, like people hold snakes! Mr. Fell is so clever and skilled!
Now his fingers are opening my mouth and I can't help, my tongue flicks out to lick them and he breathes in sharply. His huge beeautiful intense opaline blue eyes go unfocused for a moment and then they're back on me, like diamonds! Oh god, it's just making me go all squishy inside, and yet hard in all the right places!1!
"Your tongue," he says again, roughly. "Yes, Crowley, do that. Lick me."
I obey him - how can I not? I flick my tongue out all over his fingers, over each of the nails, they're so smooth and tidy!
"Crowley, Crowley, don't stop.." he murmurs, soft as velvet, his eyes growing heavy-lidded. "Yes, Crowley, keep going, my dear… Just like that…"
Oh geez! I mean, seriously now! Did he just call me 'my dear'? Maybe he's not such a merciless avenging angel of HEaven after all!
I mean, he acts like he only wants me for my body, you know, the whole demon thing and the things I do with my tongue…
But every now and then I realise there's so much more to him!
I wonder what made him act so cold and self-righteous in normal life! Maybe he already loved once, and lost? Oh god! He's SUCH a MYSTERY!
"You've stopped!" he suddenly yells at me, oh no!
I didn't realise I've been so lost in thought about how magical and mysterious he is, I've stopped licking his fingers!
"Don't make me punish you, Crowley," he says dangerously to me.
Oh god, he was so terrifying now! He was looking at me like he really wanted to give me a good, hard, long, hard, long smiting until I cried tears of sex!
"Don't know if want!" I whimpered at him, and his cold blue gaze softened.
"Oh?" he smiled dangerously at me, his long golden eyelashes flickering like this really gorgeous spider's web in the wind, in gold. Like, in golden light. Yeah.
He suddenly presses his body forward, and oh geez, I had no idea tea could smell so hot!
"You're a demon of temptation, Crowley," he murmurs into my ear, and I actually right-there-fricking-come! just from the sound of it, gah! "Don't tell me you've never been… on the RECEIVING end?"
His fingers snap - those gorgeous, perfect fingers, still wet from my saliva, which is strangely turning me on again oh god - and the mess I've just made of my clothes disappears, and it's like it never happened! Literally, like it never happened, I'm just as reaady for him as I was a second ago!
No, I can't take this! I won't take this! I have some dignity, I mean, geez! Who does he think I am? His little demon toy? Oh wait he's right. Anyway.
Time to turn the tables on him!
"Lemme show you a thing or two about TEMPTATION!" I hissss into his ear!
His eyes widen! Oh god, they're now so huge and blue and ineffably innocent, it's like he's a different person! I really caught him off guard! Well, I've only just started!
I grab his hands!
I pull them into my mouth and start SUCKING, HARD, and I can still taste sweetness on them from those chocolate biscuits he ate before crumbling them over my back and licking them off!
"Oh," he gasps, his eyes covering over with mist like in the morning on a lawn and it looks so friggin hot I mean I CAN'T, but it's also really endearing, and I've got this flicker in my vicious demon heart!
"Don't stop!" he GASPSS!
I smile cruelly at him and his lip trembles, I can see what i'm doing to him! Whoever said demons can't get the drop on angels?!
I keep sucking at his fingers faster and faster! And suddenly! I stop.
"Noez!" Azira stutters, his eyes flashing with the rage! Of Heaven.
"I told you NOT TO STOP!" he screams! and suddenly his wings burst out oh god I'm really scared now but also really aroused oh geeezus!
"I know…." I hissed silkily at him, but to be honest my bravado is fading fast!
He's atually got his wings out, and they're so HUGE and WOW I mean were they always that huge?
He's now leaningover me at the table! Books dig into my back, oh good GOD!
And his wings are right there above us, sweeping out, up, every feather so HUGE and LONG and HARD but I bet also really soft as well, and I reach up to touch one and he says DON'T!
And he's not the boss of me, I mean, so I do it anyway. Obviously
"Do you want them, dea-demon?" he husks at me! My knees are weak! They are weak.
But I haven't been using my knees since he roughly shoved me onto the desk, so that's actually okay.
Oh wait! Did he mean to call me 'dear' again? I smile at him like a snake, I know his true nature! He DOES care for me, it keeps slipping out!
Then I realise he asked me a question.
"WHAT" I say seductively.
"Do you want them inside you?" he asks, and it sounds like he's not giving me much of a choice!
"Le gasp!" so I tell him, and try to squirm away! because OMG, inside me? What does he mean by that?
"Lick them!" he says! Oh, well, wow!
Geez, I can't believe I throught he wanted to…. Wow! I'm such a dirty person! Maybe my inner deviant is not so inner anymore!
Although I'm technically a demon, so deviant should be all great and stuff but I'm also not one of your loser demons who like rebelled and all, I actually really kind of sauntered down so it's totally cool for me to be insecure about this.
"Okay!" I say to him reluctantly, because I do not want to appear totally easy with this. So I take the longest pinion into my mouth and start slowly sucking it.
And sucking it.
And sucking! It!
"Agh!" he says to me then and there.
So anyway, I keep sucking it.
A week later , I'm actually getting a bit hungry and tired! I tell him.
"You're a demon, Crowley!" he gasps into my earrrr. "You don't need to eat or sleep."
Geez, I forgot! I don't know WHAT I'd do without him.
Oh god, I realise. He is mah OTHER HALF.
How could I forget I'm a demon! So silly of me! But wait.
It's because with him, I'm only ME! Not a demon, not a spawn of Hell! Just me, Crowley!
Oh wow. Aaaahhh.
Suddenly I push him away. "WHat!" he whispers, stricken!
"I can't do this, Azira! I can't. Not like this," I shake my head, and I lower my head in mourning for our lost future.
He is standing there, wings out, a vision of God and Heaven and everything powerful and overwhelming, like a thousand sunsets, like if you watched a thousand romantic comedies all at once.
Like that, except DEEP.
I just - geez, oh my word, my demonity, I CAN'T.
I swooon….
And he catches me.
"Azira!" I cry!
"Tell me what's wrong, my dear," he murmurs softly into my face, so gentle! How could I ever think he just wanted me for my body (and tongue)?
"I love you, Azira!" I tell him! Oh! He stares at me, his gentle savage eyes of blue quiver like melting ice! With emotion.
"B-but… You're a demon," he breathes, and my heart clenches, it CLENCHES to hear it, and I CAN'T! I weep.
moonish: Oh, I love it when my frozen jello stops being icy enough to quiver!
"Demons can't love… can they?" he looks at me imploringly, hoping, BEGGSERING me to prove him wrong. And oh, how I wish to.
"How could you say that!" I cry.
His perfect brows knit. "Well, there was that one incident in Lower Tadfield, if you recall.."
I lower my eyes to his and cup his chin, make him LOOKIT me. "I lied," I say to him, and his eyes widen.
"I liked when I said I could not feel the love tonight! Only I did not lie. Because I've always felt love, Azira. I've felt it more and more every day of our lives, until I could not feel Adam's love aura because MY OWN was SO STRONG!"
His eyes quiver like sweet, melted jelly, but he is not so easily dissuaded, oh no.
"You lied to me then," he says harshly, unforgivingly! "You could be lying now. Demons lie."
I. Stare!
"Actionssss speak louder than wordssss, angel," I hiss at him in a hiss, finally.
And I pull his head down for a kiss! His tongue feels Heavenly against mine, no pun intended, lol!
And now we're on familiar territory again, like two adventuring people who've found their way out of an unfamiliar swamp, and are back home have sex.
"Oh, Crowley," he gasps into my lips, and I twist and twirl my tongue around his like a ballerinna or a gymnast's hoop.
I smirk at him - okay, so mybe a bit like a demon after all, well FRIGGEN SUE ME, and pull him on top of me.
My inner deviant sings with dark, ominous joy, like a really cool gothic churchbell in a chorus.
"Doest thou wish to be SMOTE, demon?" Azira asks me huskily.
Kaytara: And just like that I am swept off my feet again! Oh I can't bear this, good GOOOOD! What does this angel do to me? 'Tis ineffable.
"Don't blaspheme, demon" Azira admonishes me. Oh g-Satan-Mancheseter he can read my THOUGHTS!?
"STAY outta my head you freak!' I shout at him in anger and startlement.
"I wasn't in your head," he says to me in confusion.. "You've been talking to yourself for a while now. I wasn't intending to mention it."
Does that mean he knows everything! Oh WOW, what a twist! I am so not ready for this kind of emotional opennity with someone!
"But you could be," Azira tells me oh geez cut it out already!
"I could be," I say aloud, or at least 'm sure I'm saying THIS aloud. "With you."
I'm so scatterbrained and silly without him. He makes me whole.
….Doesn't he? Oh woe, the doubt persists!
"I…" Azira is talking to me, WHAT. When.
I look at him in attention and utter, appreciative silence.
"Yes?" I encourage, and watch him struggle through his own quicksand of insecurity!
"I need to tell you about what happened with the Nephilim," he says, his head heavy.
"Wait, what?" I realise I haven't actually heard a lot about that one.
"I… No. I can't. I cannot bear this. Nevermind." he sighs, his voice beautiful and melodious like all the harps that never reached Heaven.
"Okay!" I say in confusion, worryingly. Does he have a dark secret? Is that why he's acting so weird?
"Let us get back to where we were before, my dear," he says gently, then his eyes grow BRIGHT and DIZZLING like glowing blue oil on a frying pan. He kisses me suddenly!
"DOST THOU WISH TO BE SMOTE, DEMON!" He sCREAMZ and pushes me down on the table again, shooing away a customer.
"Yesssssssssssss," I hiss in supplication, widening my eyes.
Somebody mutters something about southern pansies, but I pay them no heed.
Azira's eyes widen with ungodly, if you'll pardon my French, lust, and his hands start tearing vividly at my clothes. Geez, what's up with that? But I guess I did kind of ask him to.
"Oh OH!" I say, and wow, just utterly WOW at the way his hands are touching me all over!
"Give in to your feelings of love, young demon," he breathes into my ear while his eyes gaze at me alluringly.
"'Mmm six thousand years old," I say, in protest, nay!
"You will always stay young and beautiful to MINE EYES, my dear," he whispers, oh god Mancheseter SOMEBODY he loves me SO DAMN MUCH I JUST okay wow god I can't.
But suddenly. Fire!
"Nooooo what's happening " I wail into his chest, I am almost naked, ooops!
He is gazing around, his eyes whipping around like lazers on high-priority search mode. He is beautiful and immaculately dressed as always in frumpy tartan and wow, I probably shouldn't be finding that attractive. I should be focussing on the fire and stuff, but I'm not afraid of antything with Azira to save and prtect me.
I cannot help that God has made Eros so much stronger than a man! (Or demon.)
The bookshop is brurning, SUDDENLY, or maybe it has been for a while now and we just didn't notice. Come to think of it, didn't we hear the customers leaving and screaming earlier? Meh!
"Your money or your life!" says a tall shady man in shades! Where did he come from! Oh wow, there are a lot of them!
"What." I say blankly at them. Azira is shielding mah body with his own. He's so brave!
"Er, I mean to say, sure looks flammable here. We're the mafia." the shady man saysz!
I feel faint, and slump gently into Azira's embrace.
I'm not sure I can handle this much excitement. I feel suddenly tired, and hungry. I could go for a salad. With meat. Tasty, juicy, hard meat, like the meat on Azira's wings under all the soft down.
But wait they have HOLY WATEr!
No!
"I can't! Please!" I gasp into Azira's soft camel-hair coat. He holds me gently, stroking my hairs.
"I won't let them hurt you, my dear," he says in determination!
And he pushes me behind him, saying THOU SHALT NOT PASS THOU SHALT LEAVE DIS PlACE except!
Blue!
Blue light! Everywhere! I know what this means.
I raise my tear-streakend eyes to Azira's!. IN horror.
"ThouSHALT NOT LOVE a DEMON" and tis the Megatron OMG I knew this couldn't end well but what can you do.
"My dear" Azira begins! I wonder what he's going to say.
Teh blue lights take him and I never find out.
Suddenly I'm alone! Well not alone. The mafiosis are still there.
And they LEER.
"Wel well WELL what do we have heeeere" they leer! Leer!
And omg they still have that holy water from five seconds ago!
I black out.
"Muahahahahaha!" a voice resounds out of the dorkness! I open my eeys.
"We have you now, demon" says the man. I am in a dark room, tied up. Oh god! Beneath me! Chalk.
But no ordinary chalk no! It is chalk most horrifying, most terrible, only in the French-terrible way.
And it spells out…
I read it. I look at the sigils around me. A devil's trap! HOW.
I can't move! I'm done for! Azira, my love, never shall our love flourish! I cry.
teaandineffability: SUDDENLY50 SHADES OF SUPEROMENS
And suddenly I realise the man is not a Mafiosi! Except maybe in a past life.
"Hello, demon. You ever heard of the Winchesters?"
OMG!
But wait.
"Uh, no" I say to them.
"What do you want" I say and try to sound both smug and unthreatening but that's actually not the most realistic combination to attempt, come to think of it and wait what was I thinking about again?
"We're hunters. We find demons. AND THEN WE KILLEM."
The taller one looks like a moose and the smaller one like a mouse but they still really scare me cause HOLY WATER and geez!
"P-please! I say! I haven't done anything!"
"You look like a moose," I say to the taller one then. His eyebrow twitches in an eyebrow twitch of rages.
"You'll pay for that, demon," he hisses at me in anger, and steps close to punch me! I bleed from the mouth Help I can't heal! No!
Suddenly! His eyes unfocus, like he's been hit on the head and hasn't fallen down yet. He stares at me like a really, REALLY predatory moose. "OMG demon blood OM NOM NOM" he growls at me.
What a freak.
"They have treatment for that," I inform him haughtily, but I'm actually pretty scared. Then the mouse-one draws a knife! It glows red.
I have a feeling that's not a good sign, ehe!
"I have a feeling that's not a good sign," I say to them.
The shorter one rolls his eyes. "Yeah, dude, whatever. You just said that."
Duude? Duuuuuude. Who do they think they're talking to.
"My name is Crowley," I tell them, so they know who they're talking to. Just in case they don't.
The shorter one says 'Nuh-huh, we've met him. Nice try, sugarhearts."
Well THAT creeped me out a bit.
Then he pounces close with da knife!
"NO!" I scream, futilely.
"…No…." I wshiper , this time in despair!
"Say goodbye, demon!" he says to me, and raises his knife!
"No, please!" my lips and tongue and soul are filled with teh cries, I can't.
"Please IWe can make a deal! I'll give you anything you want! Money! Fame! Power! Love! Name itttt!"
He hesitates at that. "Luuurve, you say?" he inquires solemnly and whimsicorically.
"I saw you earlier, with that angel." His voice becomes GRUFF! And then some. " You… made an angel love you. How did you do that?"
Duude, boy, don't push your sobby backstory on ME, like! OMG.
"Well." I say. "You go for the wings."
He blinks at me, like he's so dumb! Honestly, was that so hard to understand?
"Teh wings?"
"Yeah, teh wings. They're real… sensitive-like, on an angel. If you know what I meeaaaan. " I hope he knows what I mean because it's too embarrassing to explain, but I wink at him anyway just to make sure.
He STARS at me. So I wink again.
I sigh. And then again!
"It's an erogenous zone." say I!
"Whoa, dude, TMI! TMI, dude!" he yells at me, and wow he's all red and actually kind of cute but no blah.
"Hey wtf you DID ask like." I complain.
He smiles at me. "Well okay that's true thanks but now you gotta DIE."
And he raises da KNIFEEE!
"I love you, Azira! God help me!" I gasp with whtat I am sure will be my last breathes!
When suddenly!
Er. Anyway. There's this huge white light and Azira is there OMG!
"HE IS MINE AND I LOVE HIM AND I WON'T LET YO HURT HIM" his voice BOOMS ACROSS THE ROOM like a boomerang, except it doesn't come back to him and just hurts the silly humans.
I gasp and duck for cover as much as I can. When I open my eyes, the humans are gone, and he's standing in front f me.
He smiles and reaches his hand toward me. The devil's trop vanishes like magic.
"Oh Azira… Did you really mean that?" my voice quivers gently like a butterfly's heartbeat in a jar of jam.
He smiles at me. "I did, Crowley, my dear. I promised I would protect you, and I am here now."
"Ooooh Mr. Aziraphale ooh" I can only say! To that. Well.
Finally, I have this great big clarity in my heart! I am ready for him.
"Letssssss do ittttt" I hiss.
He smiles! "The hissing again. Oh, my dear. I'm afraid I shall have to ravish you for a century and a halfh before stopping, and then pause only to make sweet, sweet love to you. But I must confess, I am not a natural blond."
LE GASP at that, I well say. What really?
"But for you, my dear, I shall leave my bleach on."
Eye flutter mah i!lashes at him and fall into his embrace and feel his hands start to deftly undress me while his other limbs stroke through my skin and to my scales and oh god
Then his hand reaches down across my stomach to my-
Crowley made a strangled sound and tore the bundle of paper out of his hand, knoking over a dozen empty bottles in the process.
Aziraphale blinked blearily at him.
"Gimme that," Crowley slurred, wresting the red pencil out of the angel's fingers. He staggered to the stove.
"My-mmmdear, what're…"
"Burning it, what'dyou.. thunkin.. think?" Crowley tried to get the oven open, but only succeeded in tipping himself over, arse-first on the carpet. "Drat." he hissed.
"But… "Aziraphale winced, hesitating. "It's… litera… lite… writing… in a sense…" he mumbled.
'That'ssssss not liter…. literature, angel, that's plain damn unsssalveageable, and I'm going to bloody burn it."
Aziraphale sighed, but was forced to agree. He sobered up just a little, then snapped his fingers. Crowley blinked as the bundle of papers burst into flame.
He stared at the scorch mark on the carpet where the ashes had fallen.
He blinked again.
"I'm gonna need brain bleach," he said. Aziraphale silently beckoned with a bottle of vodka.
"I think you'd best take a little break from your little stunt as editor, my dear. It never does to get too involved, after all."
Crowley mumbled miserably and buried his head in his hands.
Later on - in the morning, or preferably the very late afternoon - he would track down whoever had had it mailed anonymously to his flat, and… well, he'd get to that part. But that would be later.
"'ngel. I really, really wanna get drunk r'now. Drunkler. Drunklier. Er."
Aziraphale sipped thoughtfully at his wine. "I don't know, my dear, I thought the bit with the feathers was actually not a-"
"Hate you sssso much right now, 'ngel. Nothing persssonal, you underssstand."
Aziraphale smiled and patted him on the head in consolation.
He had a feeling he'd be trying his hand at writing yet again.
The results this time, after all, had been so very entertaining.