Hidden Nightmares

Merlin's POV

The Lake of Avalon consumed my thoughts every since I realized that we were approaching it. As it came to view my heart stopped.

Arthur's voice pulled me out of my silent pain. "We will make camp here and tomorrow continue our search for the bandits."

The Knights were on a quest to find a group of bandits who loved to destroy villages. Were there any other kind?

I of course did not expect to be anywhere near the Lake. I avoid it I only returned here twice since Freya once to retrieve Excalibur and the other to lay Lancelot to rest.

All this lake reminds me of is death.

I was so oblivious to what was going on around me, that is till Gwaine hit me on the shoulder.

"Merlin didn't you hear anything we just said?" I looked around Percival and Leon had tied up the horses while Elyan and Arthur were refilling their water supplies.

I just shook my head afraid that my voice would betray what I was feeling inside.

"Arthur asked you to get some firewood, but are you alright?"

I nodded and cleared my throat before speaking "I'm fine."

As I head toward the forest the feeling of being alone began to consume me. Lancelot was one of the few who knew my secret and accepted it, the year he was a knight was the one I was the most comfortable I've ever felt, I didn't have to hide as much.

My heart tore apart as I remembered Freya, I was unable to save her. I have never felt so helpless.

As I collected firewood I thought of all that I had lost, it hurt to know that even with all my power I couldn't stop their deaths.

I returned to camp the knights were seated around the would be fire pit Arthur was the first to address me. "Well you took your bloody time Merlin."

"Sorry" was all I could muster up. I felt so drained.

I lit the fire and just sat on the side everyone laughed and made jokes I just sat there thinking of all the good memories along with the sad.

"Merlin are you alright mate?" Gwaine shouted at me.

"Yes I'm just tired I'll be going to sleep now."

Without waiting for a response I found a spot and lay down. I hoped sleep would bring me some peace of mind.

Arthur's POV

Merlin was acting strange the only times he is like this is when Camelot's in danger. He usually is the one making jokes.

Truth be told he is the one that raise all the knights spirits.

"Anyone know what has upset Merlin?" Gwaine asks.

No one says anything.

Leon responds first "He was fine this morning he was complaining about Arthur as usual he was fine until we arrived here."

What happened in-between then and now to make Merlin act so un...Merlin.

I turned around when I heard Merlin start to mumble. "What's he saying?"

Though this felt rather creepy we all inched closer to listen to what Merlin was saying.

"Please don't die...I love you...no I should've saved you" Merlin says as he tossed and turned.

To say everyone was shocked was an understatement, no one knew Merlin ever loved anyone.

"Freya...I miss you" Merlin moaned.

Percival was first to comment "Should we wake him up?"

I was about to but he what he said stopped me "Lancelot I'm so lonely... you knew my secret" he mumbled something else but I couldn't understand.

Even now the thought of Lancelot brought up feelings of jealousy and a secret Merlin didn't have secrets. He couldn't lie to save his life.

The look of pain on Merlin's face made me shake him. "MERLIN WAKE UP!"

He shot up he was drenched in sweat.

"What happened?"

Gwaine said "You had a nightmare. Are you alright"

He just nodded. "All of you should go to sleep I'm fine."

None of us being good with feelings walked away, but I don't think anyone got much sleep. Merlin never seemed to be pain. He was always happy, this version of Merlin was scary. I wanted my friend back I need to know what was going on. Otherwise how was I going to help.

As we made up camp I went up to him and decided to just ask. "Who is Freya?"

He went pale I regretted my words immediately.

"How did you hear that name?" Merlin asked.

Well I might as well get some answers now. "You were talking in your sleep, who is she Merlin? Why haven't you ever talked about her before?"

I looked over my shoulder everyone stood behind me looking at Merlin expectantly.

He on the other hand looked aggravating. But I think he realized that none of us were going to back down.

"I will tell you on two conditions."

I nodded "Fine what are they?" How bad could this be.

"One you say nothing as I tell the story and two no question this is the one time I will ever tell this story"he looked utterly serious. I knew him well enough to know that when his mind was made up nothing could change it.

All I could think of was who was she?

We all nodded agreeing to his terms.

"I met a girl she was the amazing and I fell in love simple enough right, but she was cursed a witch had done it to her because she had defended herself" he looked so haunted by the memory.

Oh god another reason magic is evil.

"But I didn't care she knew, everything about me she was the only person I have ever trusted completely. One night while I wasn't there to keep her curse in check she..." Merlin's voice cracked the look of pain was clearly written on his face.

"She had to kill she couldn't help it the person she attacked defended themselves and she was mortally wounded."

I couldn't imagine the pain he was going through I mean if anything ever happened to Guinevere I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I wonder who this person was, I mean I couldn't blame the bloke for defending himself, but at the same time anyone who hurt Merlin like this made me angry. Magic really did have to destroy everything it touched.

"I tried to save her, but I was too late she told me she was ok with dying, and she was glad for the time she had with me" he was choking up. I had never seen Merlin like this. I wanted to comfort him but I didn't know how.

"So I took her to the lake here, it was the kind of place she wanted to live near. The beauty of the lake would have made her happy" She must have been one amazing person.

"I said goodbye I never talk about her because it hurts. Gaius just knows I was upset she died but no one knows about her anymore."

But Lancelot I thought he must have told him before he died, I felt so awful for the fact that I was jealous Merlin told him but not me.

"That's it so can we never talk about this. Good." He says without waiting for our answers. "I'll get the horses."

He walked away I turned to face the other knights there shock was written on their faces they too had not known the pain Merlin had gone through.

Though I had many questions I couldn't bear to ask them. The thought of the pained look returning to his face was too much to bare.

I spoke to them "No one is to speak to Merlin about this is that clear. He wants to forget and we will do as he ask understood. That's an order" I would not let Merlin hurt more than he already was.

They nodded. Leon was the first to say something "Did anyone know that he was keeping this to himself?"

"Nope, but I think he needs time Merlin has lost so many people" Gwaine said. I wonder when this happened, I mean it must of been before he arrived in Camelot. Otherwise someone would have noticed, I would have noticed that something was wrong. Right?

"What do you mean?" I asked. Who else had my cheerful man servant lost?

"His best friend Will" Ahh the sorcerer how could I forget "he never knew his father," I understood the pain of not knowing a parent "he and Morgana were friends" I remember all the times I had seen them talk once I had even caught him leaving her chambers. I could not believe I forget how much she meant to him. Gwaine was still finishing the list "And Lancelot meant a great deal to him."

I realized I never considered all the loses Merlin has suffered. I felt like a clot pole that was Merlin's word after all and for once I felt I deserved it.

"We pretend this never happened and try to make Merlin laugh ok." I said as I walked to my horse. No matter what I would see Merlin smile again, and make some ridiculous comment.

"Let's go men we have a quest to complete."

Slowly the old Merlin began to emerge, once we arrived in Camelot he bid everyone a good night.

I still wondered how much I didn't know about my servant, I was determined however to prevent Merlin from having any further losses.

I walked to my chambers as I looked at Guinevere I realized how lucky I was.

She was asleep but still so beautiful. I whispered "I'm so glad you're in my life. I love you"

Hearing Merlin's story made me appreciate all that I had.

I like the idea of Merlin confronting his ghosts with the knights getting more glimpses into the man Merlin was. I mean all of the things he has suffered must affect him.

I hope that everyone will enjoy it.

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