EPISODE 3.025: IN THE CARDS

Homecoming is bittersweet, especially at three in the morning. But, like most things, it's easier with friends.

-x-

It was 3:02am when Artemis woke up with a jolt to the sound of his back-up phone loudly buzzing (the original, of course, having been destroyed in a fireball inside a Russian safehouse). He didn't move at first. Fairy technology was incredible; his gel mattress, having sensed the physical bruising and assortment of injuries that accompanied his latest misadventure, had adjusted temperature and firmness to be as soothing as physically possible against his aching body. For a long moment the genius struggled with himself, trying to fall back asleep, but his phone glowed persistently on the bedside table and he gave in with a sigh. Artemis opened his mail application with a tap of his thumb, and immediately regretted it. An impressive 16,842 messages had managed to accumulate over the past three months of account inactivity, spread across both personal and business accounts.

Of those messages, he was dimly unsurprised to note that 113gb had come from Tweedir. Once Artemis had filtered those out and dumped them in an auxiliary folder for later - much later - browsing, he was left with 15,763 emails unread in his inbox.

Well, it was a start.

-x-

INBOX:

Master Fowl,

How relieved I was to learn at last that you have survived fate's cruel follies yet again. Truly, the world would become a much duller place if it were not for your stunning brilliance and keen wit. In your absence, I have greatly missed our cunning repartees.

You are likely eager to return to your studies. As usual, I offer myself up gladly to act as your library liaison - simply ask and I shall provide, my dear fellow. Perhaps as we resume our great partnership, you shall permit me to observe some of your newly gained magical abilities in action? Or perhaps that was too forward of me.

Your ever humble servant,

Professor Honkard D. Tweedir, K.H., W.M.M.

-x-

The crushing headache, temporarily beaten into submission by his first proper sleep in months, was starting to come back in full-force.

He skimmed down the subject lines, trying to make sense of them. Holly had kept him copied on all important LEPfoul correspondence and color-coded her memos according to their long-standing system; applying a quick tag to the script let him pull the critical messages aside to be reviewed as soon as possible. Butler, Juliet, Foaly, Minerva, Caltrop, Dodo, and Dorian Maslov had also all kept up with sending him a steady stream of articles, reports, situation breakdowns, and political dossiers. Also useful, but jumbled - personal and professional messages were mixed together, and so he moved the lot of them into a separate folder for later review. An alarming number of media requests were immediately trashed, and a series of bugged task updates from MoriarTEA's servers were placed in a quarantined folder just in case they contained anything nasty.

That accounted for about half of the inbox's contents.

-x-

INBOX:

DUDE!

YOU'RE BACK, AND THE DEPARTMENT REJOICES! LISTEN, I HEARD A RUMOR THAT YOU BUILT AN AI FRIEND FOR ME? WHEN CAN WE MEET?

SEE YOU SOOOOOOON, DUDE!

ICARUS

-x-

Thud. Thud. Thud.

Artemis looking up from his phone with a frown.

Holly was clearly awake and pacing, kicking at each wall as she turned. Something wasn't right.

Artemis emerged from his bedroom quietly. In the living room, he could hear Freyne snoring on the couch - the Interpol agent's snores were more nasal than Mulch's familiar breathing, but not nearly as loud. After growing up in Fowl Manor, with nothing but empty space around him, sometimes it still felt claustrophobic to live in such close proximity to other people. At this time of night, though, he generally found he didn't mind it quite as much as he did during the day. In a past life he would no doubt have rejected these living conditions entirely, responding with a turned-up nose and cutting remark to even the faintest suggestion of sharing his personal space with somebody else, but his priorities had shifted over the years. I'm happy living here, he realized with a pang of surprise as he navigated the darkened hallway. I've come to think of this place as my home.

The thought felt good.

-x-

INBOX:

[The following message is written in French and encrypted with an asymmetric key algorithm-based cypher]

Artemis;

You really need to stop getting yourself presumed dead, as it increases my workload substantially. We'll add this to the list of things you owe me for, I suppose, though I also owe you and Holly a sincere thank you for your help with Saul. He was never in actual danger, but it means the world to me that you immediately changed your plans and came to our aid when I called.

I've enclosed my notes on the current political and diplomatic situation. You may disagree with me on some points, but there's no arguing that the world is in a precarious state.

Be careful. Call me when it's safe. We need to speak candidly.

Minerva

P.S. Beau told me Myles isn't returning his calls. Be gentle with your brother when you speak to him - he never meant for any of this to happen.

P.P.S. I have so many questions about the mechanics of your latest trip through the timestream, and more than a few theories. I'll send them as soon as it's convenient, as I look forward to arguing about them in great detail.

-x-

"Holly?" he whispered. MoriarTEA beeped at his ankles, and he rapped lightly on her door with his knuckles. "I can hear that you're awake."

The door swung open immediately. "You should be resting," she hissed, rubbing at her bloodshot eyes with the back of her hand. "Don't make me sedate you."

Artemis shook his head, realized he was clutching his phone in his hand tightly enough to make his fingers ache, and made a conscious attempt to relax his grip. "When I heard you moving around, I thought -"

"I'm fine," she said, lowering her arm. "Just a bad dream."

"Oh." His tone softened. "You had another nightmare. Anything it would help to talk about?"

"Not really." She paused; he lifted an eyebrow. After a moment, the elf relented with a scowl. "Hybras again. Must be all the time travel. D'arvit, it makes my head spin."

He pressed his lips together. "I know the feeling."

"I'll bet. You still look like something a golem would have spat back out."

"Much appreciated."

"Any time," she said, and stepped back lightly from the doorway.

He took the permission to stay, moving into the room and closing the door behind him with his foot. Up until that moment, he'd managed to forget about the burn on his ankle; now it smarted, and Artemis awkwardly reached down to rub at it with his free hand while taking a quick glance around. Holly's bedroom remained something of an organized disaster area, everything in its proper place and nothing where it made sense for it to be. She didn't use the room for much, only sleeping and storing clothing, and it showed. On top of the dresser, a small box projected a dazzling array of pale constellations onto the ceiling in lieu of a proper nightlight; Artemis was oddly touched to see she'd continued to use the gift even after all the drama it had caused.

As he straightened and tucked the cleaning cloth into his pocket, Artemis spoke. "I could always offer a comprehensive psychoanalysis of your dream, in the hopes of providing some insight? Freudian, Jungian, free association...archaic human approaches to psychoanalysis do tend to crack you up."

"I'll pass," the elf said with a crinkled nose as she hopped up to perch on the edge of her desk, though her mismatched eyes were bright. "Learned my lesson last time. Your species has some messed-up ideas about how the mind works, you know that?"

Artemis grinned. "Failing that, we could play cards. I have several months of office gossip to catch up on."

"Frond help us all. Same rules as always?"

"Naturally."

In fact, their typical card games only had one rule: Holly knew which game they were playing, and Artemis did not. This was, as Holly had once phrased it, necessary not because she expected Artemis to cheat by default (even though of course he did), but because early experimentation made it clear that she would have to cheat to keep up with him. Years of killing time with other LEP recruits in bootcamp and in-between missions had given Holly an immense mental stockpile of card games to draw on. The game would continue until either Holly won, or Artemis determined all the rules - at that point, they would move on to something new.

This was a system they had come up with while he lay in Argon's clinic, recovering from the worst of his Complex symptoms; breaking old number associations by forming new ones, through the luck of the draw, had been Argon's idea. Holly had, naturally, found herself up for the challenge.

She retrieved the deck from the drawer of her desk and shuffled the cards. It was a light-deck that glowed pale green and responded to complicated flicks of her fingers, randomizing the faces of the cards approximately eight-thousand times a minute. As she tapped the surface of the deck, Artemis found his fingers drumming along against his leg in time.

"How have you been, Holly?" he asked quietly, searching his friend's face. "LEPfoul riding on your shoulders, and humanity knowing about the People - I can only imagine the strain you're under. It's no wonder you're not sleeping well."

The elf grit her teeth, and then forcibly exhaled. "Honestly? It's a mess, Arty. The whole thing's a disaster from start to finish, and LEPfoul is looking to me - me, of all fairies! - to lead them!"

"It's because they respect you. You have an impressive track record, and they admire your ability to make difficult decisions under fire."

"Wait - you actually think LEPfoul respects me?"

He grinned. "I know they do. They may take my advice on matters of strategy, but they're your team."

Her fingers stilled, setting the cards in their shuffled order. "It's ridiculous, though. This department started out to deal with a minor security leak, and now we've got interspecies peace riding on our shoulders!" After a moment she resumed movement and began to deal, frowning. "I'm just glad we got you back before the situation with Montgomery escalated even further. That could have been so much worse than it was, and we need you on our side right about now." She shuddered at the concept, peering at him over the top of the deck. "Are you alright? This is all a bit much to take in, even for you."

"I'm adjusting," he said. "Still sifting through everything to make sense of it. You should see my inbox. The stuff of nightmares, truly."

"Anything I can help with?"

Artemis saw an opening and took it. "Well. I was meaning to ask about my memories. What did it mean? The recall trigger - I mean, the kiss." He'd gone red as his complexion caught up to his brain and mouth, having blurted the question before fully processing the emotional weight of it; a blush burned at the tops of his cheekbones, but he persisted. "Because as far as I'm aware, the fact that it worked means my subconscious trusts you as much as - if not more than - I trust myself. Which implies that -"

"It means we're okay. And that I missed you," she said, the tips of her own ears flushed. "Are you going to play, or what?"

"I'll play," he said, something in the pit of his stomach feeling warm in a nice kind of way. The human followed her lead, picking up his hand of seven cards and fanning them out before him. The cards felt good against his cool fingers, like they'd been laying out in the sun, and they glowed comfortingly. "While we're on the topic, apologies if I created an awkward situation between you and the Commander."

She snorted "Ha! Trouble didn't actually mean it. Stressed and running his mouth. He knows it's none of his business." She hummed under her breath, contemplating her cards. "Wouldn't be surprised if he's actually made a bet on how this will turn out."

Artemis blinked. "A betting pool has already sprung up on the matter?"

"Mulch and No1 have had one going for years. Thought you knew about it!" she said, choosing a card to lay face-up on the table and trying to not laugh at the look on his face. Three of acorns - she reached for another card, adding it to her hand, and gestured for him to play. "Your turn," she said and he followed her lead, choosing to discard a four of beetles. She smirked in approval, rearranging her cards before drawing another.

-x-

INBOX:

Hey Apollo (shut up, I've decided we're friends so you get a nickname now and you just have to deal),

Glad to hear you're not dead! Would've gotten back to you sooner but I'm with some other friends and we managed to misplace Ray again. Spent ages tracking him down - kid gets himself everywhere and nowhere at the same time. It's the strangest thing, but I feel like we're responsible for him. Don't think he's got anybody else watching his back. Have you met him yet? Warning you now, he's a bit of a handful.

Anyways, as stated, glad you're not dead. You've probably already noticed that all kinds of shenanigans have gone down while you were gone, but I've attached some of the relevant bits of my journal to help you get back up to speed. Lucky you - some of my fans would literally kill for that kind of behind-the-scenes look!

Speaking of fans, tell Mulch I say hi and want to know what he thinks of the demo I floated his way. Dwarf would never tell you this but he was totally worried sick while you were gone, just FYI. As was your elf - tell her to give me a call, too, because she was kinda scary when I told her about the time travel thing. And Juliet can call me anytime, but she knows that.

Listen. I've got a question about all this stuff - you know, the magic and the fairies and the general craziness of it all. So. Here goes:

It's normal to you, right?

Fine, maybe that's a trick question, but I'd really like to sit down and chat. Like I said, I'm trying to keep together a whole group of kids like us, we're safer in a pack than we are on our own, but we got thrown in the deep end here.

You know this strange new world inside and out, and I could use some advice if you've got time.

….maybe that was a bad choice in words, given that time is pretty much what got you into this mess in the first place. If you're not up for a friendly chat, I've also been picking away at your nanowafer design; maybe we could go over that? So, I'll stop writing now. You know how to get in touch!

Take care down there!

Poka,

Dorian

-x-

"When we were trying to sort out what had happened to you, Dorian told me that he thinks the Changelings have all gotten magical abilities that match their talents. That the blast just emphasized things that were dormant."

"So now you're wondering about Hybras," Artemis surmised. "Hence the nightmare. The shot that went through time and saved your life."

Holly nodded. "It doesn't make any difference now, but if this is something that's always been -"

"I worked out how to escape a time stop, too," he interrupted, playing his hand. "It's all just physics."

"You never should have been able to hit that shot, though. Remember, I've been taking you for target practice. You're terrible at it. And when Opal destroyed a potential timeline, we got an entire Techno Crash out of the deal. Here, though? Nothing."

"Limbo was already in flux, Holly. And maybe I've always been skilled at navigating paradoxes, so that was the trait that became amplified. Would that set you at ease?"

She snorted. "Mud Boy, I want you to think long and hard about what you just asked and the implications that has for the world."

Artemis lifted an eyebrow. "Believe me, I have. Anyways, it's a moot point if I can't control my time-traveling. A gift like this is worse than useless if one lacks the ability to steer. If I didn't know better, I'd imagine my system were punishing me for having stolen magic in the first place - as though melting my mind weren't enough, now any future magic layered on top of that crooked foundation simply won't behave itself."

She shook her head. "No talking like that. We'll get you figured out, Arty. I promise."

"Best of luck to you," he deadpanned. "I've had psychologists attempting to do that since I was six."

"Well, there's the problem," she shot back, setting another card down on the discard heap.

-x-

INBOX

Fowl;

I totally just lost a bet, thought you'd gone back in time or something crazy but apparently forward isn't good enough to get the money, thanks a lot. Haven't been in the office much, H has me working cases on the street most of the time which is awesome. Got in a fight with a goblin the other day and it was the COOLEST!

But H's asked me to send you a whole mess of stuff from the LEPfoul servers. Dunno why she asked me instead of shrimpy, but it's attached. Job done.

Sass out!

-x-

"I win," Artemis declared, laying his hand down face-up on the desk. By now the dawnlights were starting to glow warmly at the edge of the city, causing a band of light to spread over the buildings and alleys of Haven in a carefully-controlled imitation of a sunrise. The golden glow was creeping in through the bedroom window and crossing the floor, drowning out the stars splattered over the walls and ceiling. Nearly time for another day to begin.

Holly swore cheerfully. "New game next time. I'll have to get used to you looking at me through my eye again, it's throwing off my read on your tells."

"I don't have tells," he replied primly.

"Keep thinking that, Arty." She winked.

"I've been thinking about the eye thing, actually. Attempting to make more sense of it. You know that silver is the best, but all precious metals do act as timestream anchors to an extent, having come from the earth." He touched the gold coin around his throat, lifting it to show Holly. "I wouldn't be surprised if this were the reason I did eventually rematerialize, pulling me back. And because it has close emotional ties with the person I used to be, when it dragged me back into the world, my body shifted accordingly. Hence the eye - my atoms remembered that you are part of me, and went back to the way they'd been."

She crinkled her nose, though her tone came out warm. "Careful, Mud Boy. You sound like you're getting sentimental on me, gods forbid."

"You have my full apologies, then." Artemis reached for her cards, plucking them from her hand. Their fingers brushed together; he paused before drawing his arm back and cutting the cards into the deck. "There are so many questions in this universe that it will be impossible to answer, please allow me this one tidy explanation."

"Fine, fine." Holly hopped down from the desk, stretching her arms out and cracking her lower back. "We'll have to send Montgomery aboveground today. Which means I'll be the one taking a release statement from that slimy little wad of gnome phlegm."

"Something with him wasn't right. I wasn't lucid enough to put a finger on it, but the way he and Carter spoke to each other - we're missing a piece of the puzzle."

Holly pulled a face. "I already tried to get an exception granted, but the Council wants him gone to avoid a PR fiasco. And you already broke one Changeling out of prison this week, you've met your quota. I hate it, but he has to go back to the surface."

Artemis nodded. "As expected. I was researching into the situation with Becquerel, but didn't get as far as I'd have liked. You'll have to get me up to speed on the way to the office."

"Except you're not going anywhere today. You look horrible."

"I'll wear sunglasses, then. Holly, I need to be working right now. If I don't, I'll dwell on what's happened. And there was something Jones said to me before I shot him back in Dublin - he had access to information that had to come from somewhere in the department. I'm sure you've already investigated and I trust that you were thorough, but I won't be at ease until I've had a closer look, too." He grimaced. "Losing three months really does throw a crimp in one's ability to keep a finger on the pulse."

She sighed. "I did investigate, but Jones covered his tracks well and I had no reason to doubt anybody on our side. If he had an accomplice inside LEPfoul, which I doubt, we couldn't turn them up. If you're determined to push your luck and run around the city with your whole system in magical shock, so be it."

"In that case, I'm going to go get ready." Artemis took the cue to step back towards the door; Holly called to him as he reached for the handle.

"Hey, Arty?"

"What?"

"I'm glad you're back."

-x-

INBOX:

Artemis;

Holly told me what happened, and I'm relieved you're unhurt. I'd advise you stay put for now, as you're safest where you are. Even so, I've sent dossiers on all security threats I'm aware of. Read them, and read between the lines.

Your parents don't know what to make of any of this, and the twins just want to know that you're alive. The sooner you call home and set their minds at ease, the better. I'll feel better once we've spoken, too.

Butler

-x-

Author's Note:

This gorgeous little webisode is pretty much all Freud's baby - she did a majority of the writing (calling me in just to write Tweedir's letter because apparently I will never be free of that monster). It's a short snippet that you could almost claim to be fic of our own fic but wow if it isn't adorable. - Winged

I may have done the writing here but thanks go out to Winged for the much-needed beta read, and Tomas for the encouragement to get this thing up and posted! - Freud

Hope this answers any questions that were left hanging after Artemis's time travel fiasco of the previous two episodes. And thanks as always for your support! - Winged