Disclaimer: Not mine, no matter how much I might wish otherwise.

Summary: "He might change his life for the better should he meet a young woman who is willing to dress up as a manila envelope"

ROMANCE IN THE RING-BINDING

Miss Katerina Healstether was the latest in a long line of Uberwaldian librarians.

There had been a bit of worry when she was younger, as it had been clear that Miss Healstether was not really shaping up to fit the general idea of the station. When a person mentions a 'Librarian', what immediately springs to mind is a stern, or sometimes motherly, woman of a certain age and shape*, who is always happy to help you find a book and is generally friendly.**

When it was obvious that Miss Magda Healstether's little girl was on her way to becoming tall, slim, and looking more like a traditional vampire than their own Mistress, they realized that there was going to be a problem here.

The problem was solved by their Mistress, the Lady Margolotta von Uberwald*** , who looked rather more like someone's mother or favourite maiden aunt than a traditional Lady Vampire should, even if her favourite pink jumper was embroidered with bats. Lady Margolotta had become a lot more politically involved since young Vetinari had visited Uberwald on his Grand Sneer some years ago and they had entered a … relationship (even if no-one was sure what the '…' actually signified), and politicians sometimes find it better not to be recognized.

Lady Margolotta promptly sent the young girl to the Assassins Guild School in Ankh-Morpork, for an education in the Classic Arts, functioning in High Society, and fifteen ways to kill someone with a paperclip. ****

Of course, her mother promptly started worrying about how this would affect Katerina's marriage prospects and how she'd never find a nice man and settle down if she went around acting above her station. Miss Healstether wasn't too worried, as she did have a younger sister to carry on the line, and she was hardly an old maid yet. Meanwhile, it could wait, and she had no intention of marrying until she found someone who could hold an intelligent conversation on ring-binding and knew their way around a filing system.

*Or, in Ankh-Morpork, a large male orang-utan.

**Unless you return a book late, in which case the Librarian is always happy to put the Fear Of The Gods into ungrateful little miscreants.

***In the short form. The long form took up four pages.

****Plus another seven ways to disembowel with a pencil, the exact method of delivering a severe head injury with a card index, and three ways to castrate with a hair comb, but who's counting.

Rufus Drumknott had not been trained as an Assassin, but in Administration in the Guild of Lawyers. His tendency toward honesty and billing people as they deserved based on the difficulty of the case and the amount of work involved had stopped him from advancing until that business with Lupine Wonse and the Dragon, but he had picked up a few things.

Between being the Secretary and PA of the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork, Lord Vetinari, and being responsible for liaising between His Lordship and the legions of Dark Clerks, and keeping ahead of whatever else was going on, and ways to stop the various Lords from committing Suicide by barging in on His Lordship whenever Commander Vimes had managed to upset them*, it was an unofficial part of the job description.

Drumknott could keep hundreds of files in order and produce the right one almost instantaneously – faster if he knew the needed file in advance – tell if anyone had been stealing stationary at a glance**, and was nearly as good as an Igor at appearing silently and without notice. It made the more enthusiastic Dark Clerks think twice about Promotional Shortcuts***, at least.

As a young man in a steady, well-paying job, but not so high as to be considered a 'Nob', half the Matrons and young ladies of Ankh-Morpork were convinced that Drumknott was automatically in want of a wife. Or at least a long-term contract with a good Seamstress.****

Drumknott himself disagreed with this statement.

He was far too busy for a wife, especially a girl who would expect him to bring her flowers and take her out to fancy dinners and parties. If he ever married, he wanted a woman who knew her stationary and didn't need a map for a filing cabinet. One of the female Dark Clerks would fit the criteria, he supposed, but Workplace Relationships never ended well.

*Which happened with almost clockwork regularity, especially when it involved the Good of the City. Gaining a title and marrying Lady Sibyl Ramkins had not changed Commander Vimes' very low – and often well deserved – opinion of the Gentry.

**Von Lipvig the Post-Master, Bank-Manager and Pencil-Stealer being the sole exception.

***Ensuring the Early Retirement of your immediate superior was a time-honoured classic. For further detail, see the Paintball Scene in 'Good Omens'

****It was rare to find a Seamstress in Ankh-Morpork who knew the first thing about making clothes. They might tear your clothes, if you were into that sort of thing, but forget about mending them.

Drumknott didn't know why everyone was so enthusiastic about the football game between the two Wizard Universities, especially since all it seemed to cause was riots, people distracted enough to actually eat products sold by C.M.O.T. Dibbler, and a headache.

Even his Lordship was acting strangely, when Lady Margolotta von Uberwald visited for the occasion. Drumknott had severe suspicions about their … relationship, but of course he kept them to himself. None of his business, after all.

Still, it wasn't all bad, as he had caught Lady Margolotta's librarian and decoy muttering darkly about the deplorable state of the University library. Not even a proper filing system, with everything filed under 'ook'.*

It was Katerina's first long trip to see if she could pull off a convincing act as Lady Margolotta. It went well, though her problem area of 'haughtiness' was certainly helped by a genuine distain of 'Foot the Ball'. What was the point? Just a bunch of fat old men running around while people cheered and protesters were turned into frogs!

She wondered if Lady Margolotta would try to convince Lord Vetinari to let her bite him at some point. The wardrobe romantic** in her thought that the two politicians made a very compatible pair, and there was no denying that Ankh-Morpork was better off under Lord Vetinari than it had been under previous Patricians.

She also suspected that Lady Margolotta had been listening to her mother and was trying to play yenta*** with her and Lord Vetinari's Secretary, who she had spent a pleasant two hours discussing the merits and drawbacks of various filing systems with.

Well, they were returning to Uberwald soon, so there was no harm in holding one last debate with the only man to have ever held what she considered an intelligent conversation. "Mr Drumknott, I wonder if I could have your opinion on a new way of ring-binding that I am trying to develop."

The scholarly young man looked up from his work. "It would be a pleasure, Miss Healstether. Tell me, what does Uberwald have in the way of stationary? The new Tax Master has a habit of stealing my pencils, and I hope to find a way to make him stop."

Katerina giggled. "Well, the Igor Clans are more involved with physiology, but some of the younger generation are trying to break away, and I'm sure one of them could think of something."

Rufus bowed slightly. "I am sure they will be most capable. Now, about this new technique…"

*A select few might be able to understand Orang-utan, but most didn't, which made for a very ineffective system, as far as Drumknott was concerned.

**The kind of wardrobe that leads to other worlds and no-one believes you when you claim that it's really there.

***A polite term for 'Interfering Older Woman', no matter what parents desperate to marry off their stubborn children might say

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A/N: I don't know if I'll continue this, or if I'll have the time, so opinions either way are welcome. It's my first Discworld fic, so any constructive criticism is much appreciated.

Thanks,

Nat