What Now?

A/N: I wrote this back in April and had a whole story in my head… that I never finished. So, this is now a one-shot since I haven't posted a damnable thing on here in a long time and I like it enough that I want to share. It's, of course, from when all that stuff went down with Castle finding that Beckett was holding onto a secret. Enjoy.

He couldn't find any rescue. Wherever he looked he found only more walls and doors to break down. It felt circular. A maze of entrapment that wouldn't let him free. They called it love, but he felt suffocated by it; alone and scared in a world that didn't make sense to him.

He felt abandoned and while he wanted nothing more than to move on the walls kept him in place. They were made of emotions and need. He couldn't see the end of them as they stretched out in the infinite. What could he do about that?

What could he do about loving someone that didn't love him?

Nothing.

Well, there were options of course. He tried them and found that those options were only illusions, like mirages in the desert of his love life. He had no choice but to go back to her, especially when he realized that she wouldn't let him hang with the rope he had paid out to himself. She reeled him back in.

She had his back, because that was what partners do. Yes, he knew partners did that, he had said it a million times before to her when asked why he stuck around. They were partners. One unit separated by miles of walls and personal guilt. Partners in crime and strangers in life.

He couldn't read her anymore. He tried to see where they stood a number of times since that fiasco with Slaughter, but she gave very little away. Or maybe she had nothing to give away. That scared him because without that hope; without that little ledge to cling to he'd...

Fall.

He'd fall and keep falling until he found someway to pull himself back out of the pit of despair that her words had thrown him in. He'd do it, he knew that much about himself, but it would take time. Plus, the hurt would always be there.

His heart had shattered. He slowly picked up the pieces and while he did that he had to hide from her. He guarded it well while he carefully put piece after piece together like a gory jigsaw. The glue barely held it together, but he could spend time with her again. It hurt with every jab and bump and searching eyes and tiny smiles. It hurt when she laughed or when her eyes cooled at him and her face scrunched up in a glare that held little menace behind it. It hurt because he loved it all and he couldn't even get a crumb of that feeling in return.

She acted strange though, or maybe he wanted to see her acting strange, but he found that no matter where he went when at the station he'd find her nearby. If he went to the bathroom he'd walk out to find her against the wall in the hall staring off into space or talking to another officer. If he and the boys went to the break room he'd feel like he was being watched and would look out the window to see her at her desk, glancing toward him.

It was almost like she didn't want him out of her sight.

He couldn't blame her for that, especially after she flipped when Ryan and Esposito told her how they saved him from certain death. She tore him down a peg or two over that, much to the amusement of the other two detectives.

It still felt a little strange, however. Her looks held something in them that he didn't notice before, but what it could be he didn't have the words to really describe. So, he ghosted through the days working and writing and trying to be happy. He found the old mask that use to hide his emotions and put it on, though he toned it down to the point that it did little to help. It just provided a cushion between him and her. It did nothing for his thoughts.

She worked her way into his dreams and nightmares. He assumed she found herself there because he couldn't stop obsessing over the fact that she remembered but never said more of it to him. Even sitting beside her desk and watching her work through a pile of paperwork that would have amounted to a forest in tree form, he wanted to ask her, 'what now?' He couldn't bring himself to do it and so sat back and looked up to the beams of the ceiling.

"You okay?" she asked, her voice like a Siren's song and brought him back down from his daydream of hope. He found sharp green eyes watching him and staring through him. Cop eyes, quick and fierce, but not flat like some others. He truly believed that she could see through him and into what he thought and felt. She just didn't want to dig into it.

He erected a quick wall made of muddy fears and hid behind it. "Of course, why?"

"You seem occupied."

"Well, I am pretty close to belonging to the 1%." He gave a small smile. He couldn't put much behind it.

She gave a chuckle deep in her throat and shook her head. "Right. What do you say to some lunch?"

"I say, 'who's buying?'"

"You are, Mr. 1%."

He rolled his eyes in a mimic of her. "Of course I am. In that case we can hit the hotdog stand down the street."

"Cheapskate."

"It's how the rich stay rich, you know?" She stood and he mirrored her stepping back as she picked up a light spring jacket from the back of her chair. "So what case are you working on now?"

She pushed her hair out over the collar of the jacket and picked up her keys from the desk. "It's an older case, was just reviewing it to refresh my memory."

"You get a lead?"

"Not really, I like to go over my cold cases from time to time just to see if maybe I see something new." They walked side by side to the elevator, past the desks of Ryan and Esposito which were empty. He absently wondered where they were, but before he could put much thought into it the elevator was open before him and Kate already stood inside. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Why do you keep asking that?" He kept his voice even and tried to hide a bit better behind his wall.

"Because you keep acting like something is bothering you." She hit the button for the lobby when he stepped in and then moved in beside him. "Can't you tell me?"

"I would if there was anything to tell you," he said and tried not to gulp. He couldn't begin to think of how to describe what he wanted to tell her and he didn't let himself try. It wouldn't help anything and probably would just make it all very uncomfortable for the both of them. No, he'd climb out of the pit on his own and in silence. It became much harder with her standing beside him though. Her perfume played in his nose triggering memories of her and him; of life and death and of kissing and fighting.

He kept his eyes straight, his hands in his pockets and tried to relax. He took in a shallow breath when she bumped him with her elbow. "So how are things with... Jacinda, was it?"

"Who?" He'd been concentrating so much on keeping up the act that the question caught him completely off guard. She glared at him, a look that burned through him and he swallowed hard as what she said circled around in his head for another pass. "Oh, right, yeah... she's out on a flight right now."

"Ah, getting together when she gets back?" Was she fishing? He finally turned to look at her and found her staring at the middle of the elevator doors as if they held the secrets of the universe between them. Her hair had fallen some into her face and it hid much of her expression. He wanted to reach out and push it back over her ear. He stopped himself and turned away while gripping the fabric of his pockets to keep his hands there.

"I... don't think so." He felt the air shift as she turned to him. He looked down to his shoes and rocked on his heels.

"Why not?"

"I think I've had my fill of... that kind of relationship for now." That and he couldn't even fake it with the flight attendant; hell he couldn't even get a bit of sex out of it because it felt like cheating. Kate already had his heart, which just wasn't fair.

At one time she was little more than a smart, sexy, beautiful woman to him. He'd seen a lot of beautiful women though and she looked the same. He had given up on affection and found that he could get some of his needs fulfilled with a fling here and there. No attachments. Just dating, making out and sometimes sex. No one got hurt, especially him.

He'd been burned too many times to think that love still existed out in the wilds of the world. How could one continue to search for something so elusive, if it even existed for him? No, it was better to fill up on junk food than to get food poisoning from a Wagyu steak. That, at least, was how he once saw things. He knew on some level that he only made himself sick with the junk food, but the tiny bit of happiness he got kept him going. Then he met Katherine Beckett and his whole idea of love became flipped.

Kate made him see, after some time, that the hole wouldn't be filled with just a flavor of the week. He didn't have a choice in the matter anyway. He fell in love with her, so hard that his impact could have been measured on the Richter scale and now it felt like she ruined it all for him.

"Really? I figured you two would be traveling all over the country by now."

"Why would I when what I want is here?" She turned completely to him as the doors opened, but he walked out and into the bustle of the precinct lobby.

Damn his stupid mouth. He hadn't meant to say that but the words left his lips before he could swallow them back down. His only chance now would be to downplay it because if she knew that he still felt for her then she would have all the power. She wouldn't abuse it, he knew that, but that didn't mean it would be okay. He needed the illusion that there might still be a chance for them.

"Castle, wait up." He slowed a few feet away and turned to look at her. She jogged up to him, her face a mix of emotions that he couldn't quiet put together. "Hey, what did you mean by that?"

"By what?" He started walking again and she fell in step beside him. Moving was good, it made it tough to have a serious conversation when you had to dodge other people. Kate seemed set on giving it a try though.

"Your 'what I want is here' thing back there. What is it that you want?"

"Hotdogs." He grinned at her as they stepped out into the wind chilled sunlight on the sidewalk. He made a left and she followed.

"Hotdogs?"

"I'm starving for one."

"Castle."

"What? That's what I want and we're nearly there." He walked in silence but conscious of her eyes on him. The smell hit him before he saw the cart. He could see sun playing in shivering leaves across the street and thought how nice of a day it was to just be out and about... with Kate. He could enjoy this time, even if it would never amount to anything more. He loved her and even if she didn't love him in the same way he could still be a friend and suffer in silence.

He quickened his pace to get to the cart first and smiled at the guy who stood in the foggy shade of his umbrella. "Hey, can I get two hotdogs? One with spicy mustard and relish and one with," he turned to Kate as she came up behind him. He had an idea about what she'd order, but still wanted to check.

"Mustard and ketchup, that's enough for me today," she said, her tone flat. He just nodded and the guy behind the cart went to work. A minute later he walked over to her as she'd wander toward the corner of the street and watched traffic stagger by.

"Here you go," he said and she gave a small smile as she took the paper holder and a bottle of water.

"Thanks."

"Sure. Want to go eat near the trees? It's getting a little warm out here." He nodded to the wall of oaks on other side of the street and she looked over.

She bit into the hotdog and shrugged which he took as confirmation and started across the street with her beside him. They stepped through the trees and into the small park that laid beyond. A path ringed around the ghost town of a playground. There were a few older people sitting on benches and Rick made his way over to one of the few empty ones and sat down. Kate did the same and he watched shadows from the leaves play over her as she leaned back on the bench. "It's a nice day out."

"Yeah, glad we're out here." He said.

"Same."

They ate in silence, the wind and birds filling it. He finished first and leaned forward with his hands folded between his knees, clasping the napkin from the hotdog. He wanted to say something now that they were alone, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. His fear of more pain took control of his actions and he let it.

"Why'd you leave?" At first he thought the voice was in his head, but when he looked over he found Kate watching him closely. He lifted a brow in question. She sighed and said, "You pulled away from the group and then went and shadowed Slaughter. Why?"

"I wasn't leaving." He looked down at the cement walk and focused on a little ant that scurried across with a large seed clutched in its mandibles. Even the little guys could carry more than him, he thought. "I told you why I went with Slaughter."

"No... no you didn't. Am I not good enough for you anymore?" She offered a smile, but he knew that it was an honest question, one she needed an answer to. He didn't know how to answer though. She looked away. "If fine if that's the case, I would just like to know."

Isn't that always the problem? he thought, the need to know and the trouble of knowing. He reached out and grabbed hold of her wrist and pulled her hand from her knee. She looked back to him as he wrapped his fingers around her hand and squeezed. "It had nothing to do with you being good enough."

She squeezed back, looked down at their hands. "Then what? What was it?"

"I don't know how to explain it." He released her hand once he realized what he did, and rubbed his own on his jeans a few times.

"Try?" She asked, her tone almost pleading. How could he not answer to such a plea? How could he ignore what she wanted? He'd give her the world if she only asked. She just wouldn't do the same for him.

"I know." He said as they were the only words that came to him.

"Know what?"

He met her eyes and held them. He saw confusion and worry, both emotions on her looked so strange. He couldn't go through with it. "Nothing," he said and made a show of checking his watch. "We should be heading back, shouldn't we?"

He stood, not able to look at her and so kept his eyes on the sun drenched playground. Swings rattled and swung weakly in the wind. A bird screamed from a tree. Fingers bit into his shoulder and Kate pulled him around to face her. "Know what?"

"You tell me."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Something that happen almost a year ago."

Her brow furrowed and her eyes looked away from him and to the ground. "Me getting shot? You don't want to stay around because of that?"

"Not because of that and I do want to stay around. I just..."

"Then wha-" Understanding flashed in her eyes followed by surprise. "That?"

He nodded. "People tend to remember every second of trauma, don't they?"

Her lips worked against each other and she took a quick, shallow breath. "Sometimes"

"Yeah, sometimes."

"And sometimes even when they do remember, they're not ready to face it."

"Never?" He asked, his voice a little harsh which earned him a glare.

"It takes time. There's a lot that needs to be worked through when something like that happens."

"I know." He turned and started to walk because he couldn't stand there anymore. He now had confirmation from her that she remembered and didn't want to think about it. That was fine, at least he knew. He felt the pit narrow and darken and shook his head to try to clear it. He stopped at the curb to the street and Kate appeared beside him.

"Then you understand?" she asked slowly. He watched a blue car speed pass and for a fleeting moment thought about stepping out in front of it. Stupid perhaps, but he couldn't stop it from appearing.

"As best I can," he said and stepped out onto the crosswalk to a blare of horns, but he ignored them and hurried across. He continued the walk at a brisk pace, not waiting for Kate. She knew now that her secret had been uncovered. She'd lied to him and strung him along. Yes, maybe not on purpose, but she did. Dammit.

Where did they go from here?

It's been so long that I don't remember if ChrisS beta read this chapter for me, but I think she did and so deserves a thanks just the same. :D