New Territory / Paradise

I'm shivering. I'm feeling like a young girl who has decided to finally make love to her date. I don't know the moves, the words, the… things to do. It's all new territory.

Am I a sex-animal? I wouldn't know, I can't really review, for God's sake, my sexuality, but who's there beside the lovers to opine?

I let Heck do all that was needed. Oh, I loved him, I trusted him, he knew my weaknesses. He knew just what to do and he did it, passionately, affectionately and… gentlemanly, yes, I mean it, he never complained whenever I was a little passive, he always took the initiative. There were times I thought I could show him I'm also a tigress at love-making but he'd always pre-empt. He'd act first. Coop, as a counterexample, is all talk, in fact I once did ask Zina, with whom I knew he did it, how he was. "Eloquent" she answered bobbing her afro. "Not him" I insisted "how was it?". "Verbose" she'd answered with the same motion.

But now Hector is gone. Now I'm ashamed that I accused him of leaving me. He's left me, that's technically true, before I would desert him. He's always been my cause of happiness and I caused him pain. I'll live with this, I'm sure to experience pangs of queasiness, but, oh, I did it for love. Even if God were to personally judge me, I'd shout out "I'm not a mean person, but I fell in love", I don't mean "lust", like some days back behind the trees, when, I confess, I tried to refill with lust the void I'd felt. But it wouldn't fill.

I lacked something that I know I've found in her. And now we're both here. We're about to make love. And I don't know how it'll be with her.

Yes, I believe it is exactly like I'd felt at my first time. Like then, but even more decidedly now, I fail to realize when, how, how fast and where my clothes have disappeared. I know that my trembling body is in Luce's embrace, I lean back against a big pillow and that my sight is unfocused. But then, perhaps, sight is not important inside Luce's dimly lit bedroom. All other senses, however, are at their height. I smell her from very close-up, I feel her touch over a thousand spots of my naked body, I hear her whispered confessions and promises and I let my tongue loll outwards in await of a deep French kiss with her hot mouth. Or whatever else she chooses to let me taste.

A kiss it is, a long, warm and slurpy one. And more others after that, all of them long, all of them sucking my tongue inside her mouth, her fingertips always covering an impossibly wide area on my body. And then I feel her shift her weight and position over me. And I know what comes next. And now I open my eyes wide and try to focus them. I've got to see this, I've waited and suffered and now this is going to happen.

And I see things I've never seen before. It's a place I've never been before. I'm actually doing this, but I blush at the thought all the same, similes and epithets spring into my mind and I blush even more. In the documentaries it's clinical, in porn, well, it's just porn, just made to arouse you. But this is real. This is something you see, though the lights are still dim, something you touch, yes, I have often touched myself, but this, this… oh, this is new, this thing I do, it's fragrant, it's aromatic, it tastes, Lord, it tastes of heaven, Lord, forgive me, but it tastes of paradise.

I shudder. We both do. This is no teacher-student situation, she the former, having had girls before, I the latter. We walk into uncharted terrain, meaning, we don't know each other yet. Looks was where it'd started, then came furtive gestures, then that hasty rub-up at the stadium. Then… well, then I almost kissed her, I…

I know what I'm doing: I'm trying to cloud this thing we're doing with superfluous thoughts… Oh, man, this "thing", for crying out loud, Jesus, I'm doing it, wholeheartedly, we both do and still I try to hide myself behind words. Yes, my Luce, my love, make love to me, fuck me, shag me, call it whatever you want, but do. Do it! Do it to me, do it with me, Lord, I'm going crazy, just this morning I promised Heck not to leave him, I think I almost resolved not to think about her again, though it would crush my heart, and now the unstoppable force – oh, my dear, my very dear Hector, my understanding friend, how right you were, how strong to have to say it – carries me away, throws me into the eye of the storm – Gawd, please, no more similes, I don't know if I'm to laugh or to cry – hurtles me to the bottom of the well – Gawd, please, I'm coming!

Silence. Pants. An occasional gulp. My cheek's resting on her pubic mound, I can feel her lips touch my inner thigh. Of course it's not over yet, it has just begun, the initial vertigo is gone and… yes, now certain moves suggest themselves. I'm all in it. I start anew, I'm the tigress.

I bite her. I clench my teeth and pull her pubic hair. She gasps. The next moment I lick her. She moans. I do something else, what , I don't know anymore. I grapple blindly, I utter incoherent phrases, I slap her, I overturn her. My fingers work her nipples, my nose digs into her, my lips are glued to her labia, time spirals away unheeded. I go berserk, I grunt, I thrash, I climax again.

I'm sated, I feel drained, but I'm afraid if I were to leave here my hunger would return. My fingers never stop poking here and there and there, spots which no mother would include in her daughter's sexual education. "Men only want one thing" they'd be bound to say, forgetting to mention that women want the same thing, too. Mmm, it's so tight, so wet.

And now I'm gradually feeling something new. Absorbed as I am in the realms of humid twilight, I long again for the light that radiates from her face. So long I stay here the animal inside me won't let go, but I need to look into her eyes, that's where it started from, those eyes told me everything I needed to know, it's so sweet here, but I want to look into her eyes.

I pull my lips free, love juice smeared all over my face. I break our soixante-neuf, I roll over. I hear her softly complaining, but I know, we both know, we want the same thing. I ascend the hillocks of her thighs, her belly, her bosom . I finally reach her face, drag my body level with hers, look into her eyes. They're gleaming, almost weeping, almost red with emotion, with joy. Red with love. Involuntarily I start sobbing. She does, too, trying all the way to smile, showing me that she loves me. I love her, too and I think I'll break down and cry, but good. And this is what I do and this is paradise.