"Talking"

'Thoughts'

Chapter One: Help Me Find a Way to Carry on Again

"Feli, get your lazy fratello out of bed. What a perfect time for that bastard to start walking to school." the voice of the italian's grandfather drifted through the cold house. Romano snuggled deeper in his duvets to try to push away the hurt and form it into anger before he was discovered. His fratello bounced into the bare room happily. "Grandpa says you should get up now. We ate the rest of the food, sorry. But you can just ask your friends at school to share, ve?"

Romano smiled at his brother. 'Feli, you're always trying to shield me from nono's harsh words.' Then he frowned deeply. "Yeah whatever, you little brat. Get the fuck out of my room."

Feli just smiled brightly and ran out. Romano could hear the door slamming shut and then the car doors and the car starting up. After a moment, the sound of the car's engine disappeared down the road and Romano found it safe to emerge from the heavy covers. Stripping out of his boxers, he climbed in the shower and started washing his hair. Feeling the greasy strands inbetween his bony fingers made him shiver and he clutched himself tightly, tears falling down his face.

'Well, as long as I'm going to be late to school, I might as well be fashionably late.' he thought to himself, eying the razor blade his brother used to shave his armpits. ("They itch!" Feli would complain). Sighing heavily, he picked it up and began working his way down his wrist, shallow little cuts that allowed him to show his hurt; his pain. "It's not fair..." he whispered to himself, huddled on the floor of the bath tub, water cascading over him. "I'm constantly cast aside in favor of my brother... WHO'S NOTHING BUT A DAMN IDIOT!" He screamed, sending the shampoo bottles crashing to the floor and the razor embedded deeper in his skin. Quickly removing it with a pained whimper, he applied pressure before inspecting it. After a moment, he deeemed it okay, and he was going to live.

"I would ask my friends to share, feli, but I have no friends. Who'd want to be friends with a little bastard like me? Compared to my brother, who'd want me?" He asked himself these questions frequently, yet he never tried to change himself. Emerging from the now cold shower, he wrapped an unneccessary towel around his waist and trudged through the house, wincing as his bare feet hit the cold cement in his basement bedroom.

Pulling the usual black hoodie, and black skinny jeans out of his closet and putting them on one at a time, he had to bunch up the jeans at the bottom to get his sneakers on. "Damn shortness. One day, I'll fucking stab you to death." he grumbled to nobody in particular. Taking a glance in the cracked mirror across the room, he looked away quickly. Then he threw his backpack to the ground and stood in front of the mirror, poking and prodding at himself. "I'm short...and girly looking... and THIS DAMN CURL!" he yanked at it, trying to pull it out of his head, but yelped and immediately blushed hotly. He left it and quickly ran out the house before his grandpa came home.

Walking down the street, Romano was lost in thought, clutching at his arm. He didn't notice that he'd turned too soon and was walking down an alley instead of a sidewalk. Suddenly he was grabbed by the waist and, much to his embarrassment, he squealed loudly and tried to fight off his attacker. He was pushed to the ground and a gun was pointed in his face. Romano's eyes widened and he looked up at the man's face.

The man had a gruff demeanor, and he was standing awkwardly like he was injured. A scruffy 5'o'clock shadow graced his jaw. Romano took this in very quickly, fear pumping through his veins and raising his adrenaline. The man waved the gun slightly and Romano squeaked in fear. "C'mon kid, I don't have all day! Give me your money!"

Frozen in fear, Romano only stared, his mouth gaping open dumbly. The man clucked his tongue in exasperation and hit him with the gun. Romano fell to the ground on his side and suddenly the mugger was fumbling with the black jeans. Romano cried out in hazy fear, still dazed from being hit with the gun. But the man simply pulled out his wallet, and took the few bills he had from there. "Jeez kid, you ain't that pretty." and he ran off.

Romano laid there for a minute, breathing deeply. 'God, that was so scary. I thought for sure...' and the man's voice came back to him. "You ain't that pretty." and he laid his head back down, groaning. Not even good enough to get sexually assaulted, apparently. He started to get up, when a shadow covered the alley way entrance. "Lovi!"

Romano only stared as his classmate(and secret crush, but he'd never admit it), Antonio, rushed by his side and checked him thoroughly. "Are you okay? Did somebody hurt you? What happened?" he demanded in a worried tone, noticing the way Romano was still clutching his arm. Romano shook his head. "I-I'm o-okay, I g-got mugged is a-all."

"Lovi, you must not be feeling well. You didn't call me a bastard or try to cover up how you are really feeling. I can actually tell that you're scared." Antonio replied, putting the back of his hand against Romano's forehead. Romano cleared his throat nervously. "I guess I'm just too shaken up to lie very good."

Antonio shifted to get up, pulling Romano with him. "Why do you lie like that? You know nobody would care if you weren't so mean. We might even like your true self."

Romano blushed, pulling his hand away from Antonio quickly. "When did you become so nosy? It's my business, you don't know anything about me and I don't appreciate you being so damn happy all the time when there's nothing to be happy about!" he stormed away, out of the alley and down the street. He heard Antonio calling after him, but he kept walking faster until he reached the school gates.

Spying the clock in a cage on the wall, he noticed it was lunch time for him, so he climbed up to the roof. As usual, he had to chase a few dumb freshmen from his sanctuary. They went wide-eyed down the stairs, not glancing backwards. He sat on the air vent and hugged his knees to his chest, trying to ignore the rumbling in his stomach. That man took the only money he would have for food for a long time. 'Then again, he might have a family that he actually cares about feeding, and he bought bread for them with that money.' he tried to be positive, but he knew a drug addict when he saw one.

"You ain't that pretty."

Romano shivered slightly, but buried his face in his knees. The smell of food was driving him crazy and he was ready to throw himself off the rooftop if he didn't get food soon. "Lovi?"

The petite italian jumped, his head shooting up so fast it felt like he broke his neck. Antonio was standing there, holding out a bag of McDonald's to him. Romano looked quizzically at him, and Antonio set the bag on top the vent, next to Romano. "That guy mugged you...so I knew you wouldn't have money for lunch...and I know you don't get food very often...and I was on my way to McDonald's when I found you. I'm rambling, but long story short, I got you some McDonald's. But!...It comes with a price."

Romano waited, eyes narrowing in distrust. Antonio looked surprised. "Hey, it's nothing too bad. I just want you to tell my what's up with you. You said I didn't know anything about you, so you should tell me." he explained. Romano shrugged. "You should tell me why you're so happy all the time, first. I'm not comfortable talking to a stranger like you are."

"Ah, well, there's not much to tell. My parents are okay, I have friends, a car, a job, and I am saving up for college. I'm on my way to success and that makes me happy, I guess."

"Well then, life is just butterflies and sunshine for you, isn't it? I'm not so lucky. My only family, my grandfather, hates me and sometimes he beats me, but not too often. He absolutely adores my twin brother and refers to me as 'the bastard child'. He feeds Feli just fine, but I am left to fend for myself. I can't get a job because everything is just too inconvenient and I'm no good at school, so how would I juggle school and work? All the money I get I find, I sell my old childhood things..." he trailed off, looking thoughtful.

"I have nothing left to sell and life won't stop picking on me." he finished, tearing open the bag and he practically devoured the entire meal in 30 seconds. When he was finished, he blushed dark red and looked away. "Sorry, I haven't eaten in a long time."

"It's okay, Lovi. I understand. But what are you going to do?"

For the first time in years, Romano felt his lip tremble in front of another person. 'Oh god, I'm going to cry in front of him...' Romano thought in mortification. "I don't know." he said, his voice cracking. "I could become a prostitute, I guess, or-"

"Lovino! You will do no such thing! I won't let that happen to you!" Antonio cried out, grabbing Romano's hand in his. That was it for Romano. He burst into tears, using his free hand to cover his face. "Well, what am I going to do?! You still don't get it! I don't have options! It's not fair! Feli is so nice, and I can't be mad at him, but who am I supposed to be mad at when he's the only one getting attention, and even if I try to be normal I can't because I'm gay, and my grandpa says that gays are disgusting so if I told anyone he'd just beat me! You're the only person I've ever told, and now you're gonna go blab to everyone and they're going to hate me even more!"

He sobs, tearing his hand away from Antonio again to cry into, ashamed. Antonio noticed his sleeve drooping down and little thin red lines all over his wrist. He grabbed the arm, pulling it towards him, sending Romano sprawling into his lap. "What the hell is this, lovino?" he asks, sliding back his sleeve. Romano struggles to get up without using his other arm, that Antonio had in an iron grip. "I just needed something to help me feel pain and hurt when I couldn't show it to anyone else. Somebody told me a couple years ago to cut my wrists and die, so I tried it and I liked it." he was bent awkwardly, one knee on either side of Antonio's leg, and his left arm being twisted to see the cuts.

Slowly and cautiously, Antonio started planting feather soft kisses all over the cuts and Romano squeaked in surprise. "Wh-What are you doing?"

"Kissing it better."

"Why?!"

"Because I like you. And I don't want you to hurt yourself." Antonio said bluntly, massaging the flesh between his hands. "Why is this one deeper?"

Romano tried to pull his hand away, but Antonio held it up to his lips again and started to nuzzle it lightly. "That one was a mistake. I didn't mean for that to h-happen." he breathed out sharply as Antonio looked up at him. "So you aren't trying to kill yourself?"

"Well, if I did die, it'd make no difference to me. But I'm not trying to, no." Romano explained, trying to pry Antonio away for him. He was still kneeling over the junior, and it was beginning to get uncomfortable. Antonio sighed deeply. "You can relax, Lovi, I'm not gonna bite you."

"You ain't that pretty."

"Lovi? What's wrong?" Antonio peered down into Romano's suddenly serious and blank face. Romano glared at him. "Why do you call me Lovi? That's not my name, my name is Romano." he hissed in anger. Antonio blinked and grabbed his blushing cheeks. "You are my little tomato, you are so bright red all the time!"

"...and you said...you like me. What do you mean?" Romano tilted his head, a faint look of hurt plastered on his face. Antonio took Romano's chin in hand and guided it up. The Spaniard looked slightly nervous for a moment, before quickly placing his lips over a slightly shocked Italian's. Romano's eyes grew wide, and he pushed Antonio away from him. "YOU BASTARD! DON'T MESS WITH ME LIKE THAT!" and he jumped off the ground, running down the stairs off the roof.

Antonio stood there with his fingers touching his lips, a look of amazement on his face. "Perfect..." he mumbled.

Oh em gee! you better appreciate this, Amanda. So anyway, korean boys are cute and I'm gonna cry for Romano. He's so insecure. Ummmm Review please? So I can know if I'm doing anything wrong?