"I want a life that is mine!" (Memoirs of a Geisha, 2005)

Chapter 9. When Unseen Chains Break

Stark lost and little Mikael Paun lives to breathe another day.

John keeps his distance, hearing the sirens get closer and knowing that, anytime now, Allison will recover from her wounds and her survival will be a miracle – to them – and an insult to some.

Angels, in spite of their holy status, are not impervious to sin – pride can be a very dangerous thing, even to the best of God's creatures.

But he can't command himself to care.

His job here is done – he has guaranteed himself the end of the world.

And yet, he doesn't move – doesn't leave – until the paramedics take her from the scene.

John has no reason for existing now – Lucifer is his name, what he is called, by his brothers – and he avoids going to the surface unless it's to torture another monk who thinks he's too close to God to feel doubt.

They're his favorites.

And, sometimes, he sneaks a peek at Allison, seeing as her life hasn't changed, still very much the same, but she seems to be waiting for something – for him.

She still strolls down the park, without purpose, but he never follows her for long.

There are other matters that require his attention – war, famine, the usual – and Allison has no place in them.

His life has no place for her.

He killed one of his men today – the true death, beyond the damned, the destruction of a soul – and hell's fire rose until even the earth felt the anger threaten to burst through its crust.

Allison is dead – Stark, apparently, had been more unforgiving than John thought – and even though John had accepted that his life could not have herin it, he always kept an eye on her.

Or someone's eyes.

His man had failed.

He remembers the demon's words before he tore his heart from him, "Lucifer, she is not one of us. She's of them. She's not important!"

And in the midst of his pleas, his words broke from his mind – words he had buried deep, hidden from himself, "She. Was. Mine!"

It was in that moment of loss that he realized...he had never claimed Allison as his, but he could have.

She wouldn't have resisted – wouldn't have been able to.

She had been the one human who piqued his curiosity – who wanted him, in spite of everything she knew, simply because of a feeling.

He often mocked humans for such feelings, but sensing the genuine care of hers – now gone – made him entertain the thought of one day owning a new life, one where he could receive her misguided affections and return them, without damaging his reputation, of course.

He goes to her apartment that night.

The room still looks as if expecting her to return.

He gazes at the bed and remembers watching her sleep – watching her dream of him.

She always amused him, how she would feel things and then pretend she had no feelings at all, until he provoked her and then the layers she put up to hide herself from him would disintegrate.

She had wanted him – she longed for him.

"Is that a smile I see, Lucifer?"

John doesn't blink, keeping his hands in his pockets.

"Gabriel. You look well." He's not looking at the angel, so the assessment is as empty as the sentiment.

"Oh, you know, after you threw me out of hell, I did a little more trouble, but God, in all His mercy, took me back...after I did Him a favor or two," Gabriel's voice, as always, annoys him. How the man could ooze sarcasm and devotion in one sentence, he would never understand.

"Sounds like Him. Have you come to beg me to take you back?" John sees him from the corner of his eye, looking just as he did the last time they crossed paths – when John was busy eating his heart.

"No," Gabriel smiles, "I've come to watch you mourn. I have to say, I'm impressed."

His laugh makes John wants to rip out his heart – again – but something stops him.

Allison.

John ignores Gabriel's behavior – the jokes he's making at his expense – and looks at the empty bed in front of him.

"Is she at peace now?" That, at least, would grant him some comfort – he doesn't understand why he cares, but he does, and perhaps that's what angers his most of all.

The realization of a feeling – one that came too late.

"Not quite." Gabriel joins him, standing side-by-side.

John quirks a brow, facing him. "She's not in hell." He would've known. He knows all his little inmates – intimately. He feels them inside of him, recoiling in agony and pain. He savors each of them – with every soul delivered to him, he feels them all.

"She's not dead," Gabriel states as-a-matter-of-fact. "She's been reborn."

John's face remains fairly passive, in spite of everything that just exploded in his mind. Reincarnation is not likely for mos tmortals, let alone a nephilim. The removal of the heart causes certain deaths to be...final, no refund.

The idea that Allison's soul was somehow saved and placed in another monkey suit is...difficult to decipher. As always, John doesn't accept things as "just because".

"Why?"

Gabriel shrugs, "I don't question Him anymore. Last time I did, well, you know." He tilts his head, studying John, considering his next words, "I don't know why she's been reborn, Lucifer, but she's alive. And she's not going to be happy about it, either." Off John's questioning brow, he continues, "She's going to remember everything. He wants her to. She's got a role in the grand scheme of things. He needs her to remember."

Gabriel turns around with a sigh, but his words don't stop there. "It's too bad the pages got scattered. I'm pretty sure her name would've turned up somewhere. Yours, too, probably."

John knows the angel is toying with him – and, in a sense, it's working. "Gabriel." That stops him in his tracks, but Gabriel doesn't turn around, standing on the balcony, ready to extend his wings and disappear to a place John cannot follow.

"Why do I feel as if she's going to be used for one of His games?" John isn't the only one capable of playing games – of moving people as if they were just another piece from a chess board. After all, he learned from the best, and aspired to be the best – one of the many reasons he ended up stuck in the life sentence he's been given.

"Because you were always the smart one, Lucifer. Too smart. That was always your problem. Didn't you read their Bible?" Gabriel looks over his shoulder, giving John one last smile, "Ignorance is bliss."

John watches Gabriel disappear but the anger that begins to form is almost instantaneous.

Allison is alive – reborn, with her memories, somewhere he cannot touch her, for now.

God needs her – to bring forth the apocalypse? To stop it? To play a part in the final battle? To die as the final sacrifice? He doesn't know.

John wants her.

Thinking her dead, his anger had been directed at himself – at what he was and all that stopped him from ever entertaining the thought that he could ever have such a life, of being more than what he is.

Now, knowing she's alive, he's angry at God – certainly not unfamiliar territory – as he knows whatever purpose this second life will give her, Allison will fulfill it because she is that sort of idiot.

She will follow her heart, she will keep her faith and she will fulfill her purpose.

He leaves the room, feeling as damned as ever, a feeling he had never once felt at odds with until he met...her.

The one who made him question the ownership of his own life – if the devil is free to do as he pleased, why does he feel as if vessel is still chained?

Something would have to be done about that...and soon.

With her second life, would come his.