TMNT= Not Mine

Written because I have a ton of assignments and I'm a Grade A procrastinator :(

Believe it or not, I had trouble writing up the first bit of Leo's dialogue. SplinterMarkTwo!Leo is a pain to write. How does the fandom manage it without cringing at the repetitiveness and the inanity?

I could have sworn there was a point to this. I think it's fair to say I lost the plot. I don't even, what-

If you can figure out what I was on about, please let me know. Because I don't.

It was a regular day in the turtle lair. Regular, of course, by mutant ninja turtle standards involve a great deal of insanity. Breakfast had been spent evicting several hapless teenage girls that had made their way down to the sewers and were queuing up for ninjitsu lessons. Mid-morning tea had seen Leonardo kidnapped, tortured and returned, Donatello impregnated and Michelangelo had sunk into a deep depression from which he never emerged and eventually drowned.

And then he was subsequently resurrected by the purity of his soul. It's an endless cycle and his brothers had since become immune to his attention seeking behaviour.

It was around lunchtime that Raphael returned home from selling Donatello's latest child to Agent Bishop.

Leonardo shot off the couch from where he'd spent the past hour camped out like a zombified Apple user just before a new smart phone was released. "Where," Leoardo the Magnificent/glorified Splinter guard dog began, "Have you been?"

Raphael slowed to a stop several steps away from the lair's entrance. He deliberately glanced behind him at the doorway, an eye-ridge raised in polite befuddlement. "Out," he said, gesturing vaguely at the door. "Yanno, visiting Bishop like we always do after Don gets knocked up."

"How could you have been so reckless?" his brother raged, pacing back and forth. "You're endangering the family!"

Raph rocked back on his feet, unperturbed by Leo's temper. "Leo, you were the one who made this arrangement," he said, quite reasonably. "There's a roster and everything. By your hand."

"You COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED, RAPH! KILLED!"

"You did this yesterday. And Mikey did it the day before."

"I am not trying to be a hard-case! I'm just trying to protect the family! You can't keep doing this Raph!"

"Er…what?" Raphael glanced around for help. Unfortunately, Donatello was still sleeping off his recent pregnancy and Michelangelo had reverted into a baby as a side-effect of his recent resurrection. As for Master Splinter, well, he'd clearly stopped existing the moment the turtles had fallen into the mutagen.

"Going out with Casey to bash Purple Dragons," there was a look in Leonardo's eyes. The daily inanity had evidently worn down his defences and crawled inside his brain. "Coming back at stupid o'clock in the morning!"

"It's lunchtime," his brother pointed out peaceably.

Leonardo grasped his brother by his shoulders. "What is wrong with you?!" he demanded, shaking Raphael. "You, you're too calm! You can't be my brother! You can't!"

"Jeez Leo," Raphael rolled his eyes, "Can't a turtle turn over a new leaf? Being angry and rebellious is so last year."

"Master Splinter!" Leonardo shot away from his brother and headed for the dojo. "Master Splinter, Raphael is being weird! His weirdness is dangerous! It's going to kill us all!"

"Leo, Master Splinter has his own room. And he doesn't exist any way!"

Leo paused.

The meaning of this sentence slowly began to make its way through his brain.

(Meanwhile, in another dimension, hell froze over. Or perhaps that was the Utrom Shredder? No, wait, never mind.)

"What," Leo said, eerily calm, "Do you mind Master Splinter doesn't exist?"

His brother stared at him with pity in his eyes. "Leo, bro, we've been over this so many times. Master Splinter is a figment of your imagination, an imaginary friend that you've had ever since we mutated."

"We learnt ninjitsu from him," Leonardo said blankly.

Raphael tilted his head slightly and gave a weak smile. "Bro, we can't even perform ninjitsu! Besides, how the hell would a rat learn ninjitsu anyway?"

"By watching his Master Yoshi," his brother parroted instantly.

"And you don't think that's strange, that an ordinary rat would pick up ninjitsu like that?"

"No stranger than mutant, humanoid turtles!" Leo protested.

Raphael leant forward and gave him a comforting pat on his head. "Who says we're turtles?" he whispered, and then sauntered past.

"No," his brother denied in horror, "We-we can't be! We're not humans!"

Raph paused on the threshold of his room. "Don't be ridiculous Leo. That would be disgusting. We're mutant nematodes."