vii.
i'm drowning slowly, part two
Everything feels numb. Rachel doesn't know what to feel anymore. She feels disconnected and broken and everything around her as she knows it shatters, like someone's thrown a giant rock through a stained glass window, and now she's left to pick up all of the pieces.
She knows that Finn's trying to help – she knows that he is. But every time he tries to tell her that things are going to be back to normal or he grabs her hand or makes an attempt to hold her in his arms when she slides into bed (much later than him), it only makes everything worse.
She looks at him and thinks of the baby that could have been, and it kills her. She doesn't want it to be this way.
She wishes that she could have Finn hold her and kiss her and tell her that everything's going to be alright without feeling like he had done something wrong or had hurt her.
But it doesn't work. Nothing seems to work anymore with her.
-x-
She had quit her job in the show she was in when she had found out that she was pregnant, so she decides that she needs to find some other job to help pay the rent and other expenses.
(She refuses to go to therapy for this. It's just a hiccup and she can get over it on her own. Besides, seeing a therapist is the furthest thing from cheap.)
Finn gets her a job at the school he teaches at. The preceding theatre director had broken her job a week ago and Rachel seems to fit the bill wonderfully for the director of their winter musical, and it pays moderately well, so she takes it.
They're doing a production of Company and she's pretty sure that saves it right before their theatre department falls to shambles. If anything, that makes her feel good about everything. Knowing that their show is going to spectacular and make the audience talk afterwards is a good thing to have in her life. The constant of hearing The Ladies Who Lunch and Being Alive belted out at rehearsals every night is consistent. It keeps her going on the days that she needs it.
But on the days when it doesn't do enough, she turns into the recluse of a woman that Finn wants to console and who doesn't want to be around her husband.
-x-
Finn feels Rachel crawl into bed with him one night, but he knows by now that he shouldn't bother trying to talk to her anymore. At least not now. Sometimes he can squeeze in a conversation over dinner or when Rachel's sitting on the couch staging some scene for the show she's directing, but they don't talk the way they used to.
Getting into bed with Rachel and just sitting there, talking about whatever used to be the highlight of his everything. She would always take all of the blankets they had and spread them out across the bed over the comforter, ducking underneath them and wrapping herself up in Finn's arms, telling him all about her rehearsals and how exciting it is to be an actual Broadway star, and he would just listen, glad to hear her so happy.
Every once and a while he would tell her a story about his students and how cool he thought it was to be a music teacher, and she would just kiss him on the nose and remind him that he was doing so many good things for everyone around him and all of the students were ridiculous if they didn't think he was the best teacher in the entire building.
When Rachel had gotten pregnant, they would spend their time talking about the baby and waiting for Rachel's stomach to grow and to feel the baby kicking around inside of her, or they would argue over names.
Rachel was positive that they would be having a girl, and Finn thought they would be having a boy.
Part of him wanted a boy, just so he could be a really cool dad. He wanted to take his son to baseball games and fishing and whatever else the clichéd things that fathers did with their sons.
By the time everything had happened, Finn and Rachel didn't even know if they were having a boy or a girl.
She gets into bed later than he does. She's always been coming to bed late ever since they lost the baby. Finn sits with her on the couch in the living room and she's either too busy reading a book or staring blankly at the TV to go to bed when he does.
Finn doesn't really mind. The doctor told him that she's going to take her own time to cope with everything, and he totally gets that.
There's just a part of him – a big part of him that wants to do everything he can to make sure that she feels the way she used to about things. He misses how she smiles at everything and how about a week ago she was the Rachel he had fallen in love with; smart and quick and playful and strong, and now it's like everything's been taken away from her.
He can feel the sheets shift on top of him in the bed and he turns to face Rachel, who's facing him. Her eyes are shut and she looks tired. She's looked tired all of the time, lately.
"Rach?"
She grumbles something under her breath and shifts herself around.
"What is it?"
He watches her as her eyes slowly open and she stares at him, making his chest swell.
He knows how much she's hurting because he feels the same way, and all he wants to do is reach out and hold her or something, just to tell her that everything's going to be alright, but he knows she doesn't want that.
He reaches over and pushes her bangs from her eyes, offering her a smile.
"Oh, um, I just wasn't sure if it was you."
He hears her laugh sweetly for a moment and it sounds like music to his ears. He hasn't heard her laugh in what seems like forever.
"Why would it be anyone else?"
"I don't know. I just worry."
She looks at him and for the first time in a long time, she smiles – only it's not one of the forced smiles she's had for the past week or so, but a real smile that makes him feel the way he's always felt when she smiles.
Finn turns over in bed and rolls onto his back, sighing.
He's surprised when he feels Rachel curl up next to him, pressing a kiss to his cheek.
"You know that I love you, right?" She nuzzles his neck and he makes a face when he looks down at her, not sure what to feel. "So much."
He feels her burrow herself into his side like she always used to, making him unsure as to what to feel about everything.
"I love you too," he says, his voice soft. He wraps his arm around her and holds her close and they fall asleep like that, Finn unsure of everything.
At least Rachel's getting back to normal. He's missed her.
-x-
There's a small period of time where things start to go smoothly. Rachel has to continue going to doctor's office – they say that they need to perform routine checkups to make sure that she's completely cleared, or whatever, and Finn knows that it sucks. Every time she comes home from them she's not herself for about an hour or so, but she changes back after a while.
He likes going to work in the morning and then seeing Rachel when he's done for the day. Sometimes she comes in during his lunch hour and sits with him in the teachers' lounge with some lunch she's packed while she's at home.
Some of the other teachers at the school catch on after a while when they realize that Rachel's baby bump is no longer and remember that all Finn's been able to talk about is the fact that they had been expecting a baby.
One of the older teachers goes up to Rachel one day when she's eating with Finn and offers her some apology that Finn knows is going to send Rachel into the bathroom in tears.
Finn gets up and walks towards the coffee machine, wanting to avoid the initial conversation as best as he can. He likes to think that he's always done a pretty good job at consoling Rachel through her problems, anyway.
"Miss Hudson, I just wanted to give you my deepest apologies for your loss," the older woman says, wringing her hands nervously. "I think that you're a strong and courageous woman for doing what you're doing right now."
Rachel just stares at the woman for what seems like forever while Finn prepares for the worst. He knows what Rachel's like when she gets sad or angry – or the worst; when she gets both sad and angry at the same time.
She looks pleasant and like she's trying to fight back tears or something, but she doesn't do anything.
"Thank you," she says politely, nodding her head.
The woman offers Rachel a wider smile than before and Finn feels relieved.
"It's um, it's d-difficult, but Finn and I are managing." She laughs, even. "They say everything in life happens for a reason, and I'm just going on thinking that all of this happened for a reason." She smiles sweetly at the woman and they exchange a few more words, but Finn doesn't pay attention to them.
Maybe Rachel's actually doing alright with this entire situation. Maybe she's finally started to cope with everything and she isn't denying that it happened anymore. There were like, five stages of grief and stuff, weren't there? Maybe Rachel was finally finished grieving over the loss of their baby and had reached the final stage – acceptance, or something.
The woman walks away and Finn walks back over to Rachel at the table, sitting down next to her quietly.
"What did she say, Rach?"
Rachel turns around in her chair and looks into her salad, taking a stab at it with her fork. "Oh, nothing. She was just asking about the baby."
The way she's so casual about everything frightens him a bit. She's not supposed to be this careless about this problem. She's only been crying about it nonstop for the past few weeks.
Finn takes a long sip of his coffee, watching as the bell rings and the leftover teachers in the room disperse. He has a free hour next hour, so he can stay in the teacher's lounge with Rachel for a good while longer.
"Oh." He sighs and looks down in his lap. Talking about their baby is still a sore subject for him. He decides that it always will be. "Um, Rachel, I'm sorry, I didn't know-"
"It's alright," she tells him, picking at a nail. "Really, it's…"
Her voice trails off, sounding like it's caught on a sob.
Finn looks at her, concerned. She doesn't look like she's doing alright anymore, or at least she doesn't look like she did a few moments ago. She gets up and turns around so that she's standing directly in front of him, worrying the hem of her skirt in her hands.
"F-Finn," she starts, her voice catching on a sob. He can see the tears piquing in her eyes and his chest starts to ache. He hates seeing her upset. Seeing Rachel upset is one of the first feelings he knows.
"Is everything going to get better?"
Finn looks at her and she's basically wheezing, trying to catch her breath and her lip quivering as she does her best to keep herself from crying. He sets his coffee down on the table and stands up to hold her in his arms, squeezing her tightly.
Rachel buries her face in Finn's shoulder and shuts her eyes, holding onto him tightly as she begins to cry. She's crying harder than she's ever cried before in her entire life, even harder than she had been crying in the hospital.
Finn holds onto her as he feels her nails dig into his back. Her tears begin to dampen his sweater and he rubs her back, doing everything he knows how in order to console her.
He's never seen her this upset.
Of course, they've never been in a situation quite like this before.
The bell rings for fifth period in the background and the chatter of students can be heard in the halls, but all Finn cares about is Rachel, collapsed in his arms and destroying herself more and more with each tear she sheds.
He pulls away from her and looks at Rachel, his hands on her shoulders.
He wishes he knew what to say to her. She just looks at him and her eyes are red and puffy from crying and he knows that he should be able to swoop in and save the day, but he can't.
He doesn't know how to save Rachel, and it's what kills him more than anything else.
"Rachel, you can't keep all of this bottled up," he tells her, pushing her hair from her eyes. She continues to cry and he wipes the tears from her face, making her tip her head down. "I mean, the doctor said that we would have problems and stuff and we would feel like we had done something… wrong, but we didn't, Rach."
She looks at him bitterly and shakes her head, her hands turning into little fists on either side of her. "I don't care what all of the doctors say, Finn." She turns around and starts to pace around the room, Finn unsure if she's furious or upset anymore.
"All of the doctors told me that we were going to have a healthy baby, too, didn't they? They didn't bother to tell me that they were just kidding around and that I wouldn't get to have my baby like everyone else does."
She turns away from him and leans against the counter by the coffee maker, tears still running down her face. "I don't care what the doctors say anymore. They weren't right the first time, were they?" She starts to cry again, this time louder than the first time. Her breathing becomes more labored and Finn walks up behind her, afraid to touch her.
He wraps his arms around her waist and she flinches slightly before she reclines back into him and rests her head against his shoulder, still crying.
"I just want everything to go back to the way it was," she tells him, her eyes falling shut. "I don't want to have to worry about having a baby or finding a new job or any of those things." Her crying becomes softer and she feels Finn holding her closer, making her turn around so that she can face him.
Finn runs a hand through her hair, kissing the top of her head gently. "I love you, Rachel," he starts, burying his nose in her hair. She smells like vanilla and lilacs; like she always has. "And you… you can't let this one thing get to you the way it has, okay?" He kisses her again and her sobs continue; softer than they had been.
"You have done so much, Rach, and not a lot of other people can say that they've done what you've done." She stops crying and wipes her eyes, hands streaking her makeup across her face. "I mean, you moved out here to go to school with Kurt and you worked at that pizza place so you could help pay the rent while you were in school, and then when you graduated and your dads' begged you to go back home you didn't, because you told them that you would never, ever go home until you got to play Evita on Broadway?"
Rachel smiles softly and closes her eyes, tears still rolling down her cheeks. Finn grabs her by the hand and squeezes it softly, kissing her on the cheek.
"And you've been on Broadway, Rach. You've been on Broadway and you can sing like no one else can and you're the most talented person in the entire world."
She rolls her eyes and looks down at the floor away from Finn.
"The most talented person in the entire world who put her career on hold so she could have the baby that never came."
Finn stops her and shakes his head from side to side, brow furrowing across his face.
"Rachel, you can't say that," he tells her, a hand moving to the side of her face, a thumb stroking her cheek gently. "Do you have any idea what you're doing for these kids right now? Without you, Rach, there wouldn't be a winter musical. And can you imagine how they feel, working with you?"
He rubs her shoulders and she sighs softly. She's reminded of her own years in high school with Finn, and she can only imagine how she would have reacted if someone, anyone from New York, Broadway of all places, were to go in and direct their winter musical.
Finn looks down at her, tucking her hair behind her ears. "So maybe, you know, everything sucks for a reason, okay? Maybe everything gets really fucked up sometimes just because it's some way of showing us that everything doesn't have to go according to plan in order for us to still be happy, you know?"
Rachel looks up at him, worry across her face as she watches him. He looks like he's about to burst into tears himself, but she knows that he won't. He's her Finn; her big, strong Finn.
She can see the tears beginning to spring from his eyes the longer she looks at him. She knows that he's trying to be strong for her, of all things, and she wishes that he wouldn't.
"I mean, it was our baby, Rach," he manages to choke out, tears beginning to flow freely. He squeezes her hand and she starts to cry again, feeling Finn hold her close. "It was our baby that we're never, ever going to see. Ever."
Rachel sobs into his chest and grabs his shirt, crying hysterically. She can feel Finn begin to compose himself and pull away from her, stroking her hair.
"But the way I see it, Rach, no matter what happens, I'll always have you," he tells her, collecting himself. "And if I have you, then I'll be the happiest guy in the entire world."
She wipes her eyes and smiles at him, standing up on her toes to kiss him.
"I love you so much, Finn," she tells him, throwing her arms over his shoulders. She knows that he's right, after all. No matter how badly it hurts, she'll still have him.
He pushes her hair from her eyes and kisses her back, feeling like he's holding her closer than he's ever held her before.
"I love you too, Rach," he tells her, promising himself that he'll never let go of her.
He never wants to let go of her, and she never wants to let go of him. He figures that somehow, no matter what happens, they'll manage to stay afloat.
And they do. No one can really see why they wouldn't.