Humor/angst Thor-Loki-Odin

Warning! Huge amounts of Crack, some fluff, and Major, major myth busting. Or, 3 things that Odin neglected to do as a parent that might have, sorta, possibly, maybe kinda blown up in his face. Because even the god of wisdom botches it sometimes. Just pray that a certain god of thunder never ever finds out. AU of the infamous bifrost abyss scene at the end of 'Thor'.

"I never wanted the throne! I only ever wanted to be your equal!"

Unbeknownst to a broken-hearted, outraged Loki, he and Thor were about to be equals in more ways than he would have *ever* have cared to know. Ever. In fact, they could very well have lived out the rest of their immortal lives without knowing that particular detail. But hey- all's fair in love and war, right?

) Enjoy.

It was absurd. All of this. All of it. It made absolute *no sense at all*. And most things made sense to Thor. Well, maybe not at first, but eventually they did. If it could be flattened, it wasn't a problem. Even his banishment, which, while certainly not on his planned to-do list last Monday, had made him consider his life in far more foresight than he would have beforehand. It also made for an excellent time of reflection in his many plans to bash Loki's head into a wall for lying to him about Odin's death. Bit tasteless, he had to admit. Loki had had better days.

Which brought him to the current issue. Loki had certainly had better days. Which made Thor wonder what in the Eternal Nine Realms could have possibly made his brother- his calm, collected, cool as an iceberg, except-when-I-know-something-you-don't-and-it-involves-an-immense-glass-pane-a-bar-of-soap-Volstagg-and-possibly-explosive-materials. Seriously. It had been 3. Freaking. Days. Why had Loki gone off the deep end? Surely it wasn't because he believed Odin's decision to banish his darling brother to be absolute idiocy, and had gone mad. He certainly couldn't have been trying to avidly take over the throne in Thor's absence… after all, he had said he didn't want the throne. Only to be Thor's equal. Thor could barely even begin to comprehend that ridiculous thought! What had ever led Loki to believe that he had NOT been Thor's equal? They had done everything together! It was absolutely absurd. Almost as absurd as hanging over the edge of a splintered rainbow bridge hanging on to a shiny gold spear with said brother at the other end of it, and your father grabbing your boot and nearly twisting your freaking ANKLE off on the other. Well. He supposed it HAD saved his life…

"I could have done it, father! I could have done it!"

Loki's voice was hoarse, and painfully boyish. A broken-hearted child, only seeking the affection and attention of it's parent, without realizing that setting fire to the neighbor's house was NOT the best way to attract your parent's love.

"For you! For all of us!"

He was pleading now, begging for his father to understand, begging for SOME reason to explain this madness, this confusion, the hollow sorrow that welled within him. WHY?

Odin struggled for the right words, inwardly sensing the the wrong ones would have a highly undesirable outcome. He could still rectify this, even if he could feel the whole thing slipping from his fingers. Quite literally. It was frightening. Normally, Thursdays went fairly well for him.

"Oh, Loki…" he sighed, "None of this is your fault. I want you to know that. However… as a parent, you cannot possibly, ever understand, that there is no RIGHT time to tell your child a truth of this matter."

"But you never even tried!" And he was crying now, the tears spilling down his face in an uncharacteristic display of heartbreak. Never had Thor seen his brother so completely undone. So unraveled. So raw. It was overwhelming. "You never even gave me a chance!"

"For what?" asked a Very Bewildered Thor, utterly confused now.

"It was Always Thor! The Golden Child! Your 'pride and joy'," he spat bitterly.

"Loki… please..." Thor was pleading, reaching for something-anything- in his brother that he could hold to, pull him out of this dark hole that he had fallen into, long, long before this day.

"Are you proud of me now, father?" The words were whispered, raw and heartbroken, but they were heard perfectly. But Thor heard more.

"You're my son! Obviously-" But now Odin was a Bit Irritated. "Loki, really. You are throwing a childish fit. I acknowledge that it was perhaps not the wisest decision to keep this from you for so long-"

"-keep what?!" demanded Thor, interrupting his father's spiel.

"-but honestly! Have a bit of decorum! Even for a frost giant, this is utterly-"

"-FROST giant?!" exclaimed Thor again, "WHAT IN THE REALMS ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? What is wrong with my brother?"

"I AM NOT YOUR BROTHER! I AM A FROST GIANT!" Loki screamed furiously at him.

And Thor chose to focus onto the subtext of that statement. The whole Frost Giant thing was unfathomable anyways. Honestly! Loki wasn't even BLUE!

"You're adopted?!" And if it wasn't for the gravity of the situation, what with him hanging off the edge of a FREAKING CLIFF dangling into space, Loki would have laughed hysterically at the look of utter shock on Thor's face.

"Really, Thor, even if I wasn't a Frost giant, any fool would be less surprised than you. We look absolutely nothing alike!" he put flatly.

And the non sequitur threw them all off for a few, brief moments, as Thor's brow furrowed.

"But…" and Loki could see the thought on Thor's face as he attempted to wrap his mind around the concept, saw him ponder it, dwell on it, mull over it… and… accept it?

Thor chuckled dryly.

"…You, my brother-" he shot back, placing emphasis on the distasteful word "-are absolutely INSANE! Why do you think this would change anything?"

"Wha…? Change anyth- THOR, I AM A FROST GIANT! I Am A MONSTER!"

"YOU ARE NOT A MONSTER! YOU ARE MY BROTHER!" Roared Thor, "And the biggest IDIOT to cross this realm that I have ever known!"

Well.

There was a sentence that had never crossed Thor's mind, much less his lips, regarding Loki until this day. And he looked just as surprised as Loki did.

"-And I SWEAR, Loki," he continued with strangely deadly passion, "By the Eternal Realms, if you even THINK about letting go, So help me, I will hunt you down and bring you back if only to send you to Hel myself!"

Loki scowled, his brother's uncanny tendency to read his mind in dire conflicts beginning to disarm him. That was usually his department.

"I've half a mind to let go if only to be unburdened of your unceasing obduracy!"

"BOYS!" Yelled Odin uncharacteristically, "If we must continue this conversation, might we please do so in a more… stable environment?" Honestly, he was getting a bit nervous, watching his two sons hash it out above the vast chasm of space with only his Gungnir holding them together.

"And Loki-" Odin added- which, had he been able to peer in the future, would have agreed that it might not have been the best afterthought to add into this conversation at this point- "Being a Frost Giant isn't all disagreeable. Just look at your brother! How much more equal could you possibly want?"

"WHAT?!" Two sets of voices exclaimed in shocked confusion.

Of all the ridiculous, awful, insane, unpredictable and absolutely unparalleled and unforeseen events that had crossed their paths in the last three days, this one in particular made the book. It made positively no sense at all.

Odin winced.

Mistake #2. *memo to me: do not admit affair with a hated species, especially under dire circumstances where the results of said affair is hanging by his ankle holding the future of the nine realms in his left hand.*

And in one fateful sentence, what had been most dastardly act of treason in all of Asgard was all but utterly forgotten.

A look of unmitigated bafflement and dawning astonishment swept over Loki's blank face as he reeled from disbelief. Thor was a bit behind him, as usual. "I-I- How on earth does this have to do with me?!"

Odin quickly moved to rectify the quickly spinning out of control conversation.

"I mean- that is- well, technically, he's only half Jotun, but still!"

"Only Half Jot-" Loki didn't have time to finish when the blooming shock stormed across his brother's face, which was now pale. A fascinating feat really, considered said brother was hanging upside down from the bifrost...

"-A FROST GIANT?" Yelled Thor in unrivaled amazement, shock and denial, "I... I AM A FROST GIANT?!"

Surprisingly, neither Loki or Thor made a sound for several shocked, hilarious seconds, reeling from this little unforeseen discovery.

"Would you care to enlighten me as to the manner of this matter?" Thor demanded in disbelieving fury, that was somehow strangely sardonic. And a little too disturbingly Loki-like for Odin's comfort. Odin opened his mouth. Shut it. Took in a breath.

"Techni-"

"-WHO THE HECK ARE YOU ANYWAYS? AND WHAT ABOUT MOTHER?"

Both Odin and Loki grit their teeth, the deafening rumble of Thor's inimitable voice intimately reminding them of how very fragile their existence had now become. Well, only one of them, actually. And it certainly wasn't the one Loki would have bet on 10 minutes ago.

Not that he was complaining.

"Look- it was a long time ago, all right? No one is entirely perfect. We all make lapses in judgement. And I was only 7,300 years old. Cut me some slack." Though in hindsight, perhaps he had taken it a little far. Well, Fjörgyn certainly HAD been a beauty. And boy could she throw a punch… Honestly, too, you'd think that more people would have figured it out, what with Thor standing a full head taller than most of the other Aesir... He was a more probable candidate than Loki. "It was before I married your mother! She didn't even know!"

"WHAT?!"

"Well, she does NOW… you don't think I would actually keep secrets from your mother, would I?" He ignored his son's And she loves you! Both of you! What would she say if she saw you like this?"

Thor was incredulous. Very unlike him. Well. First time for everything. "YOU HAD-LOKI'S- I'M... I... WHA-?"

"Thor- Loki- Please. You must understand. As a parent, there is no perfect time to tell your child of something of this magnitude-"

"-Oh? And I suppose next you'll be telling me I was born in some dank cave on Midguard!"

Odin winced. Well…

Hm.

Best to let that one slide.

Loki observed this bizarre twist in the formerly one-sided argument with growing shock, amusement and horror. He flicked his gaze from Odin, to Thor, and back as they furiously bickered about the origins of the royal family.

He made a mental note, that if, by some Providential Grace, he escaped this little reunion with the majority of his extremities attached, to visit the archives of the Royal Asgardian Library, because by now, Loki was pretty sure that if he looked back in the ancient manuscripts, somewhere engraved in the runic subtext, this day was be enshrined in prophecy.

"...And furthermore, my mother was a frost giant! Don't you think I'd be inclined to show a little respect toward's its people?"

Loki and Thor gaped at each other, simultaneous looks of horror and fury sweeping over their features, for once sharing the first conspiratorial look they had had in Decades.

Discovering he was Jotun was one thing. The outcast, the magician, the trickster, the shadow...

But Thor? His huge, klutzy, blue-eyed, hammer-wielding, mighty, invincible, hard-headed, unforgivably forgiving, dumb-as-an-ox, adorable idiot of a brother? HALF frost-giant? And Odin had never told him?

It was unthinkable!

Thor gaped at Loki.

Loki stared at Thor.

Oh.

Oh.

There would be BLOOD.

In all Loki's years of pranking, mischief-making, and general havoc-wreaking, he had never felt the urge for retribution so strongly as he did now. Oh, they would burn for this. They would all burn. And the best part?

Thor wasn't going to stop him, by the looks of it. In fact, he wouldn't be at all surprised if Thor burned it down himself without any of Loki's help at ALL.

All of a sudden, Odin Allfather, Bor's son, had a feeling that he would live to forever rue this day. Strangely enough, he had a sudden flashback of 2 waist-high heads, golden and ebony, snickering at the dinner table, right after Odin had finished removing the spell that had colored the fur of both his prized wolves the most unearthly shade of red, following a severe restriction of the allowed hunting grounds for the young princes.

Nearly a millennia ago. Yet that was the last thought that crossed his mind. How bizarre...

He didn't have much time to dwell on it though.

Thor twisted his head back to glare at Odin. Loki Scowled.

A vicious yank followed, in concert with Thor kicking his boot back at the edge of the Bifrost as Odin's fingers were painfully wrenched off his elder son's ankle.

Well, damn.

There went his spear.

The sensation of pain was the first thing that Loki's shredded nerves relayed to his brain synapses. The second was a familiar weight across his chest. He knew exactly what it was, having had many centuries to thoroughly examine it and feel it and rest beneath it more times than he could ever begin to count. The silence was disturbing. He opened his eyes, seeing an unfamiliar gray wasteland that sent a shiver through every cell. It was cold. Not the cold iciness of Jotunheim, but a silent, dark cold. Cold that penetrated into his core. he swallowed, and attempted to move himself into a sitting position. No such luck.

Every muscle ached, his blood boiled in agony, and his bones refused to obey him. He felt like he'd been trampled by Bilgesnipes. He rested for several minutes, feeling the shock of the impact seep out of him. But he made no further attempt to move. He was... rather comfortable actually.

Beside him, Thor groaned. He rolled over onto his back, staring up into space. He let out a few deep breaths.

And in the maw of silence, there suddenly came the last sound that Loki had expected to hear. He felt more than heard it, the rumbling vibration in the chest pressed into his side.

Thor chuckled.

"That is the last time I EVER ask for elaboration on our familial affiliations," he mumbled darkly.

Loki couldn't keep the dumbfounded look from reaching his face, whether from the fact that Thor was going for levity at a time like this (but really- why should he be surprised?) or from his brother using multiple 4-syllable words in one sentence, which had to be the first time in their history Thor had ever surprised him with that particular feat. And no small one it was. Truly, a day for discoveries.

Loki smirked, screwing his brow.

"An event I never care to relive, if you wouldn't mind."

Ever.

"Who would have guessed…us... Jotunheim..."

"-I would not object to never hearing from that accursed land ever again."

"You know what would be interesting…" started Thor after a pause, ignoring his brother, obviously, and Loki, for the life of him, didn't bother anticipating what was going to come out of his brother's mouth next, because God knows that this day was not a preferred day for prediction.

"… is if our parents were related. Like your parents and my mother. We could be half-brothers. Or even cousins." Loki didn't even bother to be surprised. He scowled up at Thor, wrinkling his nose. Thor just smirked back at him, quirking his upper lip in the way that let on he was teasing.

Loki let out a sound that was somewhere between a cough, a laugh, and a scoff. Then focused on the inconsolable blackness above them. Long minutes stretched the silence. If this desolate rock had had something akin to crickets, if was fairly certain that chirping would have ensued.

A sigh.

Odin was SO dead right now.

"…"

"Maybe not your best idea, letting go."

"Mm. Don't worry. We'll find a way back."

"Are you certain of that?"

"Of course."

Though in hindsight, neither of them could honestly say that they particularly wanted to go back at that moment.

"Well, we could always take over a planet."

"Loki."

"I am simply offering alternative suggestions."

Thor ruffled his hair playfully.

"Well, good place to start, this." His eyebrows screwed together after he glanced around. "Looks a bit dreary though. Id've preferred trees..."

Their bantering continued, back and forth, as they debated potential schemes and plots upon which to fulfill their revenge.

Which would be glorious.

Eventually, their voices died down, and they simply lie there, fully basking in the others' presence.

After a few minutes, he turned his head toward his brother, who was gazing blankly at the stars. The look of sudden emptiness was so overpowering, that he turned on his side, and drew his brother into his chest, receiving no protest.

Loki let out a weary sigh, and rested the back of his head against Thor's shoulder.

It wasn't exactly what he would describe as bliss, but the decidedly resigned silence following the painful and surreal events of the last few days had Loki in far more comfort than he could remember feeling in years.

"I'm proud of you," Thor whispered solemnly. And Loki suddenly knew he wasn't speaking of plots now. "I've always been proud of you."

In the wake of the silent dark land they were captive on, there was no other Loki could have wished for company. Thor was proud of him.

Thor was here. That was all that mattered.

And with a small smile, he realized that had been all that had ever really mattered.

(And yes, in the Nordic legends, Thor is the son of Odin and Fjörgyn, or Hlódyn, as she is sometimes named. All this story got for inspiration was when your truly was eating yogurt for breakfast and supremely bored, opened Worldbook™ - T to entry 'Thor'. 'Son of Odin and Frost Giant Fjorgyn. Well now. That was just too good to pass up.)

-Kungfu Jedi :)