Flicker

Disclaimer: Nope, nope, nope.

Summary: This is really just an excuse for puppy piles.

These are the nights that they sleep on ice, when every breath comes with frost and chill and warmth is more of a memory than a reality. These are the nights when the Fiertia rests in a sea of slush and no one wants to be alone, when Ba'ul sets them down and finds a nice crag in which to sleep the cold away. These are the nights that none of them talk about in the daytime or otherwise, when blankets aren't enough and throughout the night, they gravitate to one another like moon and ocean.

These are the nights that Repede leaves his usual watch post and nudges his way underneath Yuri's mountain of covers, cold nose pressing against ankles until he's formed a furry heater on Yuri's feet underneath his cocoon.

These are the nights when Yuri wakes up feeling colder than he ever felt in the Lower Quarter, when he wakes up and feels a second bedroll pressed up against his own and a smaller figure pressed up with it. Estelle always apologizes even though there was only one first time, even when Yuri knows that she doesn't want to be presumptuous even though she's trembling from cold. Yuri's not sure why she always says she's sorry; there're only so many times you can snuggle with someone without talking about it before it's not weird at all and it almost feels normal. So he gives the same answer he always does, tugging her close and doubling up their blankets and needing the warmth just as badly as she does.

These are the nights that Karol shows up next, rubbing at his eyes, sheepish and embarrassed and dragging his sleeping roll behind him and Yuri's not surprised at all. They've done this before but Karol never fails to waffle about where he wants to settle down, eventually choosing the same place he always does, wrapping himself up in his blankets and pressing himself back to back with Yuri. He's the one who falls asleep instantly even when some of the others stay awake for longer.

These are the nights that eventually, though always after Karol and before Judy, Rita makes her presence known. She's softer at night somehow, fewer sharp edges and rough sides like sleep and cold have sanded her down. She still finds it in her to shoot Yuri a not a word stare but hesitates every time until he closes his eyes like she doesn't exist. Only then will she come closer and plaster herself to Estelle's back, flinging an arm up over her shoulders and tucking her face into the nape of her neck like she's used to it.

There's always a long space in between Rita and Judy, and without fail Yuri's always on the very edge of dreamland when he hears the most quiet of Krityan footsteps in his bedroom. He's really not even surprised anymore, mostly because their individual 'rooms' are about the size of storerooms and there're only two beds, one of which belongs to Tokunaga and the other (which they all squabbled over until Repede nipped Yuri in the ankle and chewed a hole in Rita's newest scarf, and then it was unanimously decided that he was the winner of that round) belongs to the dog.

Judy always does a walk around the room before she comes closer. Honestly, Yuri's always a little surprised that she's not the first one there, considering how much clothing she tends to wear, but…Krityans, he supposes. No point in thinking too hard about it. Besides, when it's this cold? The more the merrier, and Yuri'd be a failure as a man to turn away someone so gorgeous if she wants to join their impromptu puppy pile. Sadly, sleeping Karol doesn't get to appreciate it when she picks her place and curls up around him. Where Estelle apologizes and even Rita's known to speak once in a blue moon, Judy never says a word on nights like these, always wide awake and always silent even when she closes her eyes. She talks a good game but there's always a hesitation in the way she approaches, a hesitation that the others lack and Yuri'd be a fool to break what brings her close.

He knows that she knows he's not asleep, that she knows that he hasn't been since the very first time this happened, but she never calls him on it.

Not a single word leaves her lips as she closes her eyes to fall asleep and drapes an arm over as far as she can like she owns them all.

Maybe she does.

And that's when it gets interesting, because the door opens one more time.

Raven doesn't come close at first, never ever, even though Yuri knows the cold hurts him like nobody's business. Maybe being in the same room's enough, maybe he can ignore it as long as he's not alone, even though he doesn't come near like the others. Even though at this point in the game, no one would say a word of it. It's always been like that, though, and it only got worse after he kidnapped Estelle, and maybe she's gotten over it (except that she hasn't) but Yuri hasn't, not entirely.

Not near enough.

Yuri feigns sleep for so long that it's almost not a lie, and without fail Estelle shifts against his chest like she can sense the newcomer.

"Be still, darlin'," Yuri hears from the darkness, "Go back to sleep." There's a rustle of fabric and Estelle twists in his arms like she's going to get up and suddenly, the rustle's closer, and there's a hand that Yuri can just barely see if he cracks his eyes open stretching forward tap her solidly on the shoulder. "Sleep."

"Are you okay?" she whispers and Yuri doesn't dare move, doesn't dare look up, doesn't dare open his eyes even a little more than they are already, because that's new.

"I'm fine," Raven tells her, voice low and quiet, and even Yuri can tell that he's not fine. He's got a sort of forced easiness to his tone that Yuri knows means that he's hurting and from the way Estelle stiffens, he knows she knows it too. He knows it because he's used that tone himself; he's got no clue how she does.

"Why don't you—"

"Never gonna happen," Raven shuts her down before she can finish and even Yuri knows what she was going to ask.

Estelle's always been stubborn and he can feel her open her mouth to reply but the words never come out, because Karol suddenly shudders underneath his blankets and inadvertently shuffles closer to Judy, away from Yuri, probably becoming acquainted with her bosoms in a way that he'd kill to remember in the morning if he only knew. Well, Yuri certainly wasn't going to tell him; it'd break the kid's heart.

"Raven, I'm cold."

Oh, geez, she pulled out the voice. Yuri doesn't even have anything to do with this and he feels like he's kicked her puppy or something, the guilt's that killer. He can almost feel Raven rolling his eyes skyward, begging something, anything, for strength. Yuri can sympathize. He's up against a mighty foe.

"That's just mean," Raven mutters.

"Is it working?"

"You're mean," he repeats but lets her take his hand in hers to scrub the cold out of his fingers, lets her tug him closer until Yuri can feel the whisper of fabric on his cheek. Raven won't lie down with them, not ever -Yuri knows this like he knows the sun rises- but it looks like Estelle can bring him close. Close enough to shift to pillow herself up against his crossed legs, fingers laced with his so he has to take the warmth she wants to give, the warmth that he apparently won't take any other way.

"And you're cold," she insists with a crossness that tells more about how tired she is than anything else, "You're cold and you don't have to be."

"You're gonna wake everyone up," Raven points out and Yuri forces himself to go even more limp. If either of them find out he's awake for this…oh, it'll be awkward. Awkward will not even begin to cover it. This is private, strange but private, and his curiosity isn't worth rocking the boat over.

"Will not."

Oh, she's tired and apparently cranky. That'll be fun in the morning.

It's silent for a good long while and Yuri's acutely aware of everything around him from the way that everything outside is asleep to the sound of waves cresting up along the sides of the Fiertia, the occasional clunk of a chunk of slush.

Raven doesn't say anything more and Estelle gradually falls asleep again, burrowing farther underneath her blankets and nudging up underneath Yuri's arm not unlike Repede in the winter months. This is more normal, more normal than the snippet of conversation that Yuri wants to forget. It's still for long enough that Yuri can lose himself in the quiet of the evening, or morning, or whatever it is.

Repede on his feet has shifted to spread out and cover Karol's ankles and Judy's thighs, and Rita's muttering just the littlest bit under her breath, bits and pieces of spells, bits and pieces of a conversation that Yuri can't make out. There's something soothing and more than a little bit shocking, because if anyone asked Yuri six months ago, maybe even less, whether he'd ever find himself being the linchpin of a cuddle pile, he'd have laughed (and laughed some more before suggesting some calming drinks) himself stupid.

But this isn't a normal night.

This is a cold one and blankets aren't enough, and Yuri supposes that they've long since reached that point where idea of dignity's as good as dead. That's what happens, he thinks, when you see one another in about every state of indignity and undress as much as they have over their travels together. The distance couldn't last, not when he'd stumbled out of his tent in the morning to see Estelle in her pajamas with bedhead and a toothbrush hanging out of her mouth, or when Karol accidentally walked in on Judy in the lake or when Rita nearly bawled the whole while Estelle was removing a (admittedly large) splinter from the bottom of her foot.

So no, it's not necessarily normal. But it's not abnormal either.

Normal's kind of overrated anyway, Yuri decided long ago, and he'll take the unusual company over freezing by himself.

Raven stays until he's sure that Estelle's asleep, possibly a bit longer than absolutely necessary, before he tugs his hand gently out of hers and encourages her to grip Yuri's shirt instead, retreating a few feet with one more pat to her shoulder. He doesn't leave, though, not by a long shot, and Yuri knows exactly where he is, out of the pile but still close enough to touch. He's seen it more than once, remembers waking up in the morning in the middle of a tangle of limbs and there's Raven leaning up against the nearest wall, asleep or at least doing a very good impression of being so.

Yuri doesn't know how to tell him that it's been long enough, that he doesn't have to stay away if he doesn't want to.

It's hard, though, because Yuri's not really one for pretty words. He's more of an action kind of guy, and there's not all that much you can do when you're frantically trying to pretend to be sleeping. Not only that, but there's something that always catches his words before they're even out of his mouth, every time he tries to say anything of the sort to Raven. Maybe it's because he's a little embarrassed to need to say them. Maybe it's an issue of pride.

Maybe he's just afraid, afraid like Estelle's not.

It all comes out to the same thing in the end, though, and Yuri hunkers down to feel Karol strong and steady against his back.

Sleep doesn't come easily now, though, and Yuri's all too aware of Raven just feet away. He wonders if he's sleeping (probably not). Still, Yuri lets the slight rocking and the sound of waves lull his brain into quiet until all he can think about is the warmth at his front and his back and Repede on his feet, and it's cold but it's safe, and it's cold but they're not alone.

Yuri wonders what he'd do if Raven did one day decide to join them. Yuri wonders what everyone else would do.

There'd be some perfunctory grumbling, he's sure, just because Rita's Rita and that'll never change, and Judy will probably make flirty jokes and that'll never change, and Karol will probably just scoot over and make room, but it'll be Estelle who'll reach out and tug him down with them like she's been waiting for it, and Repede will flop on top on him just like he does to everyone else, like it's nothing new and like it doesn't matter.

And Yuri?

Yuri thinks that for all intents and purposes, it's probably enough if he does what he's doing right now, which is to simply curl up and try to sleep.

He's calm and his thoughts move slowly, as slow as the seconds. Still, sleep remains distant and Yuri's unsure if it's because of what he inadvertently overheard or something else, but even Karol's soft snores can't lull him off.

He knows that Raven's still awake, he's sure of it.

Spirits, he isn't going to get any sleep like this.

Yuri Lowell's reckless and sometimes stupidly brave but he'd never guess, not in a thousand years, that the words to fly out of his mouth would ever be, "She's right, you know." Not ever, but certainly not in the middle of the night on the arctic coast, talking to what may as well have been an empty room. There's a scraping of fabric on wood; Raven jumped.

"Go to sleep and quit talkin' crazy. It's too late to be runnin' your yap."

"I'll quit running my yap when you give me a good reason why you're going to let yourself freeze." Yuri opens his eyes and cranes his head so that he's staring at Raven upside down, matching his eyebrows-to-the-sky look with an unimpressed one of his own.

"I'll tell you the same thing I told the young lady; never gonna happen."

"But why?"

"Why?" Raven whisper-sputters, "Are you a crazy person? And be quiet, you're going to wake everyone up."

"You're going to wake everyone up," Yuri counters mockingly.

And then they both fall silent when, without so much as rolling over, a voice from the lump that's Judy-sized and apparently cranky says,

"Shut up and go to sleep, both of you, before you really do wake everyone up." A foot that does not belong to either Karol or Estelle jabs Yuri in the kneecap. "Raven, you're an idiot. Yuri, you're terrible at both whispering and pretending to be asleep. Now put a sock in it." Yuri can't even see Judy but he raises his free hand to salute her anyway.

"Thank you, Judith," Estelle mutters into Yuri's collarbone and he stares down at her, impressed and somewhat scandalized.

"You too?!"

"It's quiet and you're not," she mutters without any hint of the embarrassment she might have had if it hadn't been dark and freezing, and so she continues to snuggle shamelessly, and Yuri supposes that it really could be worse. Rita could be—

"For real."

Damnit.

"Seriously, bygones. Just come here and don't loom like that, it's unattractive."

"Well, you know I'd surely hate to be unattractive to you, Judy darlin'," Raven replies but the words come quick and shallow and he's obviously flustered.

"Then you won't have any problems, will you?"

Raven just gapes at her and Yuri kind of can't blame him for it. He's full of all kinds of sympathy, actually. What can you even say to that, especially when the person you're talking to hasn't even opened her eyes or moved? Raven shifts uncomfortably at his spot on the wall and Judy audibly sighs, sticking a hand out of her blanket and patting the spot next to her.

"Come here and go to sleep. How are you going to make breakfast in the morning if you're tired?" she asks and Yuri suppresses a snort, just barely. Raven doesn't even bother trying.

"Of course it's me. It's always me."

"What, you want me to cook? Your choice, your funeral," Rita mutters and fwaps Yuri lightly in the hip with her hand. Yuri, who grumbles wordlessly but doesn't have anywhere else to go, not unless he wants to shove Karol over and risk waking him up too. At this point, he's the only one still asleep and someone should at least get a full night's rest.

There's a space of exactly twenty-seven seconds where no one says a thing and then there's the sound of quiet rustling and Raven's scooting closer to Judith with hesitation and immense discomfort. Apparently, the threat of Rita's breakfast is enough to make even him give in.

"Just, uh…don't forget, you offered. So no freakin' out in the morning, you got that?" He warns, settling down next to her but maintaining a safe distance, even as Estelle flings part of her blanket over to his end and Repede yawns and stretches out to smother him too.

"I never freak out," Judy tells him and Yuri doesn't even have to look to know that she's smiling. Evil, evil girl. "That's the job of our genius mage~"

"Excuse me—?" Rita begins, only to be cut off by something that makes her squeak and duck her head back down against Estelle's shoulder. Said girl just grins, looks up at Yuri, and presumably repeats on him whatever she did to Rita—which if he's not wrong may or may not be an impromptu invitation of footsie underneath the blanket. Yuri just stares at her, probably too amused for his own good.

"No one will be freaking out," Estelle declares to the storeroom that is Yuri's current abode, "It's late, it's cold, and—" Yuri snorts and raises the arm that's not wrapped around her shoulders to pat her on the head.

"Now I know you're tired. Sleep."

Estelle scrunches her face up in a frown but doesn't bother replying, choosing instead to close her eyes and her mouth and to keep her hands where they are, settled easily against Yuri's sides. Estelle choosing quiet is what settles everything down again, because when she's not running her mouth no one really has an excuse to say much of anything to anyone. Raven is unnervingly silent on the end though except when Judy does something that Yuri can't see, but he hears her shuffling and he hears Raven's quiet yelp of shock and then a reluctant (and altogether surprised) chuckle.

The Fiertia is still old and kind of rickety and doesn't have very good insulation, and it still rocks back and forth on its tether in the sea, the ice still floats around and makes weird noises and the sky's still dark without a single streak of morning to be found. It's still late, it's still quiet.

These are the nights that they sleep on ice.

Karol's steady and still at Yuri's back, Estelle easy and trusting at his front, and Yuri's warm underneath the veritable mountain of blankets thrown over the lot of them, four more than he started with and four times as content.

For once he's the last to doze off and before he goes, he can't help but think that this is how things are supposed to be. How they've always been meant to be, before pride and a failure to communicate got in the way. If they're going to be here, at least they're all here together.

And that's just so disgustingly sentimental that Yuri's relieved that he didn't say it aloud.

AN: Thank you for reading! If you have anything at all to say, please leave me a review or shoot me a PM!