oooooo

Tony hated the way they left things. He had been unable to sleep last night and instead spent hours tossing and turning, feeling sick to his stomach over his crappy goodbye moment. He had envisioned something much more romantic, something where theme music would spontaneously burst from behind them and doves would appear out of nowhere to christen their love with clichéd whimsy. Instead he felt like all these wonderful things he wanted to leave Loki with had gone unsaid and unknown.

Were he a more patient and grounded person he might have just taken a deep breath and tried to let his disappointment roll off his shoulders since really nothing was going to change regardless of how satisfying he felt their goodbye was, Loki was still going to leave and they weren't going to talk for a whole year, but he was just so sick of not getting his way that being cheated out of this crappy version of a happy ending was the last fucking thing he was prepared to accept. This was how he found himself racing through the airport at nine in the morning with mismatched shoes and his shirt on backwards.

He just couldn't leave things like that.

It was essential that Tony told Loki everything he felt for him, for it simply wasn't enough to say that he was in love. What he felt bordered on predetermination – their bond had to be something decided by the universe long ago and set in motion by their meeting. There simply could not be a simple explanation of chance and coincidence. His scientific mind should be rejecting the very notion of the thing but Tony could not accept that anything less than the entire goddamn universe was invested in their being together. These two had to be a couple – for the sake of the fucking world. It would be an insult to the intensity of Tony's feelings to suggest otherwise.

This illogical thought ripped him out of bed this morning and fueled his hasty attempt to throw clothes on and race to the airport before he missed his last chance to tell Loki how he felt before the boy could fall in love with someone else.

Airport security had not been amused.

But he had purchased a ticket, made it through every detector and screening he needed, and was now frantically searching for the gate where his lover waited. Tony just expected that the area would be glowing red and pulsing, video game style, but he was too distracted to pay proper attention to the numbers and signs above him. He was on the brink of tears when a soft voice interrupted his almost-tantrum.

"Tony?"

Tony spun around to see Loki looking up at him from his book, wide-eyed and tired.

"What are you doing h-mmfgh!" The words caught on Tony' shoulder as he yanked Loki up and hugged him tightly.

"I couldn't leave things like that," he panted, trying to keep exhausted tears from falling as he squeezed Loki tight and breathed against his neck. "That was not our goodbye."

Loki nodded and failed in the quest Tony attempted as his eyes turned red and filled up. "I couldn't sleep last night thinking about it. I wanted to badly to call you and see you but I thought –"

Tony's lips interrupted him this time.

They stayed like that for a long moment - lips pressed together, just listening to each other breathe (pant, in Tony's case).

When Tony finally pulled back, he was smiling.

"Hey…" he started.

Loki blinked at him and smiled.

"Loki…you know I love you," he began, jumping head first into feelings as he had no idea how much time together they actually had. "You know I love you and… can we just-"

"Yes," Loki interrupted.

Tony grinned. "You don't know what I was going to ask for."

Loki shook his head. "It doesn't matter. You can have it. The things you wanted before - the visits, the talking - do you still want them?"

Tony's heart erupted.

He couldn't even speak, he just kissed Loki again and then breathed, "More than anything."

He felt Loki slump against him and they resumed their kissing, completely unaware of the rest of the airport staring at these dramatic boys.

Tony didn't want to ask, but he needed to. He reluctantly pulled himself from their kiss and placed his hands on Loki's shoulders. With as much love as he could summon, he gazed at the boy in front of him and sighed. "So… how do you propose this will work?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean - I mean I love you. I know you aren't ready for a relationship, and no amount of imminent trans-continental threats will change that - but what are our boundaries here?"

Loki paused at that and looked thoughtful. "I spent a lot of time thinking about this last night… about what I wanted - or what I should want. I've been so concerned about what seems right and healthy that I let it rule everything. I put so much pressure on this idea of flying away and getting...I don't know clarity or something. That I would magically land in Heathrow and feel like a changed man. I've had months to ruminate on this and it wasn't until last night that I realized how unrealistic it is. No matter where I go - I'm still going to be me. London won't fix anything, even if I might need the change of scenery. I'm still mad at my family but they'll still be my family even if I live overseas. I still hate Fandral but the scars of what he did will still linger even if I'm at a new university. And you - the truth is…"

Tony waited patiently.

Loki took a deep breath. "The truth is, I want to be with you. I want you to be with me. I want us to belong to each other."

Before Tony could unhinge his jaw and consume Loki like a python so that they could begin belonging to each other immediately, Loki pressed on.

"But I also want to be well. I want to be emotionally vulnerable without panicking. I want to be able to trust you without comparing you to my ex, and to genuinely learn to love myself without assuming that my value comes from what I can offer you sexually."

Tony nodded and moved his hands off of Loki's shoulders to grip his hands.

"I don't think we have to be single to learn these things, as long as I continue to actively work on myself, but I do think I need to go to London."

It stung to hear, even though Tony hadn't really expected that to change. He certainly wasn't going to ask Loki to give up this educational opportunity, especially if it was predicated on the idea that their budding relationship would be the reason for it.

"Well, we are at the airport so…" Tony said with a smile.

Loki squeezed his hands.

"Give me a month," he said quietly.

Tony raised an eyebrow and squeezed back. "A month? A month of what?"

Loki was silent for a minute, chewing on his bottom lip and staring off at nothing as he held Tony's hands.

"A month to just go and be away from everything. They say that thirty days of no contact is the only proper way to figure out if you really -"

Tony shook his head. "The thirty-day rule? Isn't that for couples who've just broken up and are trying to decide whether or not to get back together?"

Loki nodded.

"But, we aren't breaking up - we aren't even officially a couple."

Loki squeezed his hands again and looked him straight in the eye. "The only way you and I have a shot at anything more permanent is if we start fresh. The thing that keeps me from being ready to just change our status now is that I still have all these false expectations about what a relationship should be and how I'm supposed to operate in it. It's beyond sex. By flying to London, I'll eliminate the possibility for that to become my focus, or to assume that's all you want from me since you can't have it… but I just need a little bit of space to think about what I want. Without being distracted by… how much I love you."

Tony's heart beat double-time in his breast.

Thirty days compared to a year-

"So, thirty days of no talking?"

"If it's too much to ask I understand, Tony-"

Tony interrupted him by crushing their mouths together once more. "It's what you need," he breathed against Loki's lips.

Loki nodded and kissed him.

After a few minutes Tony pulled away. "So, July first?"

"What?"

"Can I text you on July first?"

Loki smiled and nodded.

"Can I visit you on July second?"

Loki laughed.

"Let's talk about it on the first," Loki whispered as he hugged Tony back.

"I love you," Tony murmured against Loki's neck.

Loki squeezed him. "I love you, too."

"Think you'll still love me thirty days from now?"

"I'm certain of it."

It would be painful, to go a month without talking to each other. Compared, though, to Loki's previous demand that they not speak to each other at all for the year - that they try to move on - this was a gift.

And Tony did understand. It was really impossible to name an actual timeline to what Loki needed, as healing wasn't linear or precise. Frankly, thirty days was just a suggestion and Tony should probably steel himself to text Loki on July first and be told that he needed more time to process and focus on himself.

That would be ok.

Tony would give Loki what he needed and love him all the same.

They spent the next hour sitting next to each other, holding hands, while Loki rattled on about what his expectations of London were and what bucket list items he had.

When they called on the speaker for Loki's group to begin boarding, Tony expected to be filled with bees.

Instead, he felt calm.

Thirty days. He could do thirty days.

Before Loki picked his bags up, he threw his arms around Tony once more.

"I love you, Tony."

"I love you too, Loki."

Tony watched him enter the jetway and kept waving goodbye long after Loki's dark curls disappeared from view.

No matter what happened, Loki had brought him joy greater than anything he'd ever thought he would know. That man was the love of his life.

Thirty days was nothing.

He would be in Afghanistan for part of that.

And then after?

Healing would still be an uphill battle. The scars Fandral and Thanos had left on Loki weren't likely to pale any time soon.

But they would do it together. Tony would stand fast as Loki's anchor, reminding him that he was worthy and deserving of love. Making him laugh. Encouraging him and acting as his cheerleader.

Their future was open.

Tony left the airport with a smile. It stayed glue to his face for the drive home and even through his shower.

Thirty days.

They had at least agreed that Loki could contact him when he landed and let him know he got there safely, the no contact would begin after that.

When Tony got out of the shower he decided to clean up his school work a bit now that summer had begun proper. He fired off a text to Thor, whom he had promised to Loki to spend time with in his brother's absence, and then began the task of sorting through his papers.

It was mostly pages of doodles with miscellaneous notes scribbled on them.

At the bottom of a stack of papers, where the rest of the documents from the beginning of the year were, was Tony's copy of their research proposal with his and Loki's signatures at the bottom.

Tony let the other papers fall to the ground as he picked it up and smiled.

He wished he could go back in time, to the day he signed this, and whisper in the ear of his past self "you're going to fall in love with him".

There was so much he could not have predicted, and not all of it had been lovely, but it led him here - to love.

Tony realized he had never actually read through the proposal and laughed.

He was so glad he didn't read the fine print.

oooooo

A/N: Five years later! Now here's the thing about this story: I wrote it back at a time in life when I was working through my own trauma and navigating relationship and sexual issues. A lot of it was autobiographical. Rereading it was difficult and made me cringe a lot. But I remember having fun writing it, and healing with it. And I love a happy ending. This was originally supposed to end in a much sadder way, and then the sequel would fix things. But now, after life has beaten the will to live out of me, I can't commit to the sequel the way I planned it out seven years ago. What I will offer instead is a one-shot to tie up what happens and where the boys end up (and we all know it's together because I'm incapable of writing anything else).

If you ever enjoyed this story, thank you for being a part of it. If you ever left a kudos or a nice comment, then thank you for sharing your feedback with me. If you were actually excited to see an update/ending, then I am so sorry for taking so long. I love these characters very much, and they deserve a happy ending.

Thanks, y'all.