A/N: I hope you guys like my solution for Bonnie. Canon through her last scene with Grams in the premiere but there is some dialogue from 4x02.

Bonnie's eyes felt heavy from the night before. She hadn't gotten much sleep. She couldn't stop wondering what had happened to Grams. She didn't know how far the spirits would go to teach her a lesson, if it had stopped at the pain they'd already inflicted on her or if the spirits were going to torture Grams until they decided Bonnie had learned her lesson. Her eyes pricked again but she closed them firmly and shook her head. She wouldn't stay in bed crying all day. She didn't deserve to wallow when her Grams could be suffering on the other side because, because of her.

She pushed herself up and reached for the Grimoire on her end table. She'd tried to find a way to make sure Grams was okay in there last night but she'd been too emotional. The weight on her chest had been unbearable and the moment she had let herself cry to try and ease it a little so she could concentrate, she hadn't been able to stop. She'd fallen asleep crying and vowed to try again in the morning. But she could see she wouldn't be able to do that because the moment her skin made contact with the Grimoire, her Grams' Grimoire, it shocked her. She gasped at the pain, startled but not entirely surprised. Of course, the spirits wouldn't want her to find a way to defy them and letting her think she'd have another day to try, giving her that false hope, was in their cruel nature. Sure, Bonnie, we'll save your boyfriend. We're just going to bring his dead ex-girlfriends back so he can break your heart after. Yes, of course, Bonnie, we'll give you the power to protect the world from crazy hybrid Klaus. You just have to die to use it. She shook her head, pulling her bottom lip between her teeth and biting hard to keep the tears at bay. And then another thought occurred to her but no, she wouldn't let her mind go there. A spirit cannot die and they wouldn't send her somewhere Bonnie can't reach her. They couldn't.

She grabbed her towel and went into her bathroom for a shower. In it, she thought and planned. There was a way out of this. She hadn't wanted to do this. It was going against keeping the balance and the spirits wouldn't have been happy with her for trying it, not to mention all of the ways it could go wrong. But she didn't feel like she had a choice anymore. It was either let Grams be used as a weapon against her, to keep her in line, or anger the spirits. She'd never wanted that. To be on opposing sides as her ancestors and the many other spirits she looked to for guidance but she'd already lost Grams once. She couldn't do it again. When she came down to the kitchen in her robe to grab a cup of coffee, she heard her phone ringing in her bedroom.

This time, won't you save me?

This time, won't you save me?

Baby I can feel myself giving up, giving up.

Giving up.

She paused and listened until it went to voice mail. It started up again but she didn't want to talk to anyone. Elena must be a vampire by now but she has a daylight ring; Tyler is back in his own body as is Klaus. There couldn't possibly be anything they need from her right now. Any threat from the Originals should be over now that Klaus doesn't need to stick around and make sure that Elena stays alive and producing blood. No, she wasn't going to pick up the phone or answer any texts today. She couldn't focus on anything but making sure Grams was alright. She couldn't get the image of the black veins transferring to Grams' arms, her face contorted in pain, out of her head. She needed to see her again and replace it with… anything.

She took a breath and went back upstairs to get dressed. She silenced the phone not even bothering to check who had been calling. When she was done putting on her clothes like they were armor, she felt a little better, stronger, more prepared. She had said she wouldn't let the spirits control her and now she was going to prove it. But the answer wasn't in Grams' Grimoire. Grams' spells focused more on protection. When she'd woken up, all she had wanted to do was summon Grams and make certain the witches could never use her against Bonnie again. But she was past that. All of this was so unfair. It wasn't as if she'd even asked for these powers or to be responsible for keeping everyone safe. She hadn't asked for any of this and she failed over and over again but that didn't mean she could stop trying. Did they really expect her to stand idly by and watch her friends be tortured and murdered when she could do something to prevent it? It just wasn't in her nature to do nothing.

She went to her own library, the one her father had told her to keep all the things he wanted nothing to do with in, and grabbed the Grimoire she needed. She could feel her flesh burning but she gritted her teeth until she could place it open on the desk. She'd dealt with pain before, felt the pain of a hundred witches' deaths simultaneously and her own once. Pain had never stopped her from accomplishing her goal before. They should know better.

After the dream she'd had of walking through the graveyard and seeing the tombstones, she had tried to find her ancestors' Grimoires. She never seemed to have time to do it before with crisis after another happening around her but as much as the dream had pointed her in Abby's direction, it had pointed her in theirs. Jonas hadn't had either and it had taken some time but she had eventually found both Amelia's and Ernestine's Grimoires.

It was Ernestine's that she flipped through now. It was special to her because whereas Grams', Emily's and even Amelia's Grimoires focused more on explaining the consequences and workings of each spell, Ernestine's was a diary that happened to have spells in it. She'd experienced much of the same things Bonnie had and it was comforting to know that even if she was alone now, she was not the only one to have felt this way in her line. She'd known that logically but holding the evidence made her feel less alone.

Ernestine once worked with Niklaus. She did spells for him in exchange for living as free as she could in those times. She married and had children. She was happy. One day, Niklaus asked her to do a difficult spell that would turn him human. He didn't offer information as to why but she'd always had very powerful visions. She'd seen that he wanted to build a family the natural way as he couldn't have his hybrid family and didn't trust his siblings. To make him human, she'd have to trade their life essences for a short time. It would be enough to conceive a child.

When she'd returned home, she found that her husband had been murdered. Though she mourned him she forced herself to keep going for her children. But one by one they were taken from her until she was left alone. She called to the spirits asking why this had happened. They punished her for even daring to speak to them at all after she'd helped that "abomination" continue its line. For weeks, she stayed in her home in agony until Niklaus came to ask her to do another spell.

I almost hadn't let him in, Bonnie read. I'd grown so used to wallowing in my misery and filth. But he was persistent and when he'd learned that today was going to be particularly hard for me as it was my first birthday spent without my family, he'd been troubled. He said no one should have to cry on their birthday and especially not me who has so much power. I'd negated that. What power could I have if I hadn't been able to protect my family?

Yet he insisted that if I read the Grimoire he brought with him, I could have the only power that truly mattered. A power every witch would covet and would mean that I would never know loss until I decided.

The power over life and death.

xx

Bonnie took her keys and jacket from their hooks and left her house. For the first time since last night she was able to breathe deeply. Having a plan settled her nerves. She was able to think clearly and push her emotions aside in order to do what needed to be done. It would be difficult. It would be risky but if it did work, she'd have Grams back. She wouldn't need the spirits after that. Grams would be here to help her and teach her everything that she didn't know, tell her how to protect everyone and still keep the balance. She slowed on the pathway when she saw Stefan's car parked across the street. She stopped and looked for him.

"Bonnie," he said from behind her.

She hated the way he elongated her name, lingering on the Ns. She gave another cursory glance around to see if he'd come alone before turning to face him. She wasn't ready to face anyone yet. "Stefan." She stared at him waiting for him to tell her what he needed from her.

His gaze ran over her face. "Are you okay?" He asked awkwardly. "I mean, after last night. Caroline told me what happened."

"I'm fine." She pushed away any tears at his concern. It was pathetic but someone pretending to care was better than nothing at all. "How's Elena?"

"She's… adjusting. She knows that you did everything you could," he said soothingly.

Bonnie nodded. There was a pause in which they just stood there and she thought back to when things were easier between them, when she actually trusted him and sought him out when she needed help. And suddenly her loneliness and grief consumed her again.

Stefan looked from the bags under her eyes and though the rest of her looked pristine and polished, he could almost smell her pain. It was palpable and charged the air. He wished that he could help her someway but he didn't know how. For a moment, her face crumbled and she looked like she needed holding up but in his moment of hesitation, she'd schooled her features and asked in a tired voice, "You came here because you needed something, right?"

"Uh, yeah, but it can wait," he said. "Are you sure you're okay, Bonnie? If there's anything I can do, just let me know."

"Thanks but can it wait? Really?" She smiled sardonically. He gave her a quizzical look. "We go from one life-or-death situation to the next. If someone could die and I could stop it, I'd rather you just tell me now."

"Okay," he said and showed her the bullets from the vampire hunter, Connor Jordan, with the strange markings on them. She'd never seen anything like it before. "It was worth a shot," he said beginning to walk back to his car.

"Stefan," she called.

"Yeah?"

"There actually is something that you could for me." He said nothing but glanced at his car. He should be getting back to Elena. She needed him. He looked over at Bonnie again. Elena needed her, too, though. She needed Bonnie to keep up the façade that she was okay. The thought that she, Stefan and Damon hadn't completely destroyed the happiness of the people she loved was what helped her keep going.

"Okay."

Bonnie stepped closer to him. "I'll need you to trust me," she said seriously.

"I already do," he replied. She appraised him and whatever she saw in his eyes made the corner of her lip turn up.

"Come back tonight at 9. You'll need blood bags." Her gaze ran over his body with her lips pressed together. "And a change of clothes."

"Okay," he said slowly.

"Please don't tell anyone. I don't want anyone else involved."

"I understand. I'll see you tonight," he said already turning away.

xx

"Can we talk?" she'd asked before Jeremy had led her upstairs to his room. She'd whispered a quick spell before entering. He was staring at her now waiting for her to tell him what this was about, whether she was okay after what happened yesterday. He wanted to ask but couldn't. Bonnie would just say that she was fine and get on to the next spell that could help them all survive the next threat.

He didn't need to anyway. She wasn't okay. He could tell from the hard set of her jaw, the blank look in her eyes, the way her back was ramrod straight like she thought if she relaxed for even a moment she'd fall apart. And Bonnie wouldn't allow herself to fall apart. He knew her. He understood her which is why instead of waiting for her to tell him what she needed, he walked back over to her and pulled her into his arms. He fit his cheek against the back of her head, rubbing her back and murmuring comforting words until she relaxed into him and let him hold her.

He held her tighter when she began to cry. He sank down to the floor when her legs refused to hold her up and pulled her into his lap. He cradled her against him and felt the way the sobs shook her body. He held her until she quieted and burrowed her face into his chest. He stroked her hair, his hands making soothing passes up and down her body. He waited.

She sniffled and pulled back. "Thanks," she said with a watery smile.

"Any time." Unconsciously his eyes dropped to her lips. She pulled the bottom one between her teeth. His eyes rose to hers. Her face was tear-streaked, her eyes puffy. He brought his hands up to her cheeks and gently wiped the remnants with his thumbs. His eyes found her mouth again. His heart beat hard in his chest and he was so scared that she would push him away that his breathing came fast. Before he could talk himself out of it, he kissed her.

It was tentative and soft. His mouth moved against hers slowly tasting her for the first time in months. She leaned into him, her arms coming around his neck to feel his scalp against her fingertips. He didn't know which one of them deepened the kiss but her tongue was in his mouth, her fingers tight in his hair now, gripping the strands. His arms were holding her closer to him and he could feel her nipples harden against his chest. He gave a tiny groan of pleasure when she pulled back to nibble on his top lip. And then she was shaking her head and pushing against his shoulders.

"We can't do this," she said. They stared at each other for a moment, their breath mingling. "You – we can't do this." Her hands dropped and his arms loosened to let her slide out of his embrace. Her arms crossed around herself. A tear slid down her cheek and she rubbed it away angrily. "I'm pathetic," she murmured so quietly that he wasn't sure if he was meant to hear it.

He sighed and rested his back against the end of his bed. "I wanted to come by and apologize, Bonnie. I just didn't think you wanted to hear it," he said finally.

"I don't." Her hands fisted. "I shouldn't have come here." She reached over and found her purse. She lifted the strap onto her shoulder but he pinned her with his gaze.

"So why did you?" He asked.

Guilt covered her face and then her mouth set into a hard line. "Forget it," she dismissed him getting up.

"You said you wanted to talk," he said, his voice open and inviting. "Bonnie." She closed her eyes to stop the way he said her name from affecting her. He stood up as well and took hold of her arm. "Talk to me. What is it?"

She hesitated. She should have asked Matt instead but Jeremy… he would do this for her. He would understand why she had to do it. So though she pulled her arm out of his grasp, she said, "It's my Grams. I'm going to bring her back."

He huffed then, rubbing his hands over his face before looking down at her with a stern expression. "I'm not going to let you kill yourself to bring her back!"

"You wouldn't be able to stop me," she said calmly. "But no one has to die."

"You just need to stop my heart," he surmised. He tried to quell his exasperation. "Does every spell using dark magic need a stopped heart?"

"No," she laughed.

"I'm glad you think it's funny." He rubbed a hand over his heart absently.

She noticed and smiled. "I don't need to stop your heart," she reassured him. "I just need you to be there. The spell calls for a lot of power." He was observing her intently and she averted her eyes. "I could channel you."

He waited until she stopped avoiding his gaze and then nodded. "Okay."

She mirrored the movement. "Okay."

xx

"I do want to hear it," she whispered some time later. They were sitting down on his floor again. She wasn't comfortable getting onto his bed with him right now and he knew not to ask her to. She peeked up at him. "I thought," she swallowed. "I loved you," she said instead. There was no accusation in her voice. It was said quietly with a question. Had he loved her?

He shifted beneath her scrutiny. "You loved Anna," she said with a nod.

"Bonnie," he pleaded, "I couldn't love you." She bent her legs and rested her chin on her knees. He stared at her but she wouldn't look at him. Her face caved in on itself and smoothed again and again, fighting. He extended an arm toward her and she flinched so he leaned back bringing his own legs up to his chest.

She felt small and needy. She hated this feeling. She should have left as soon as he'd agreed to help her. Why had she said yes when he'd asked if she'd stay? She didn't need this. This day was hard enough.

"I never wanted to hurt you." She scoffed. "I never wanted to hurt you," he repeated with more force. "I care about you. I just. I couldn't love you. I couldn't let myself feel that way about you and lose you."

"You weren't going to lose me," she interrupted. "I loved you so much that I went against my ancestors to bring you back."

"No, you were dying!" He said through clenched teeth. "You were dying all the time. The nosebleeds, the headaches and then you were dead. You were dead," his voice broke. "And it didn't matter to you that I didn't want to lose you. You were going to keep putting yourself in danger and there was no way I could talk you out of it." His hands were shaking. "I tried to be okay with that because I did care about you, Bonnie. I do. And then Anna just… happened.

"She came back and all of the feelings I had for her did too. I didn't want to hurt you. I tried to push her away but I loved her and then I could touch her and –"

"And Anna was already dead so you couldn't lose her." She looked at him, brows furrowed, lip trembling, and saw him. "I guess it's easier loving a ghost than a witch." Her shoulders were slumped and he shook his head.

"Trust me. It's not hard to love you."