'Fate leads him who follows it, and drags him who resists.' - Plutarch

Everything started that night.

It was the night that changed my whole life, yet there are large parts of it I don't remember, things that don't fit together like they should, and things that I want to forget, but can't.

I both lost everything and gained so much in the same evening.

I didn't realize it at the time, but I know now.

Everything happens for a reason. That's what I've come to believe, and I won't ever change my mind. Even that horrific event; losing my sister, losing my mind, losing what little faith I had left in humanity was all leading me to something else.

I don't believe in God.

No.

I never will.

I believe that all of us are somehow connected, be it by family, friends, events, likes, dislikes, love or hate. We're all linked somehow by these 'connections', these invisible threads. Most of these connections we'll never know about as long as we live, but all it takes is the smallest tug on one of those threads, and it can change your whole life forever.

I don't believe in coincidence, I don't believe in luck, whether it's good or bad, and I don't believe that there's some higher power, judging us from somewhere we can't see.

There's only one thing I believe in.

I believe in fate.

Fate is the only reason I'm still alive.

I don't remember very much at all from the night it happened. Sometimes I start to remember and it all fades into a blur, like something is stopping me from seeing what I don't want to see. It's probably for the best. I can never forgive myself for what I did. The last thing I want is more reason to hate my own existence.

I remember gunfire, a lot of gunfire, I remember glass raining down on me, and it hurt, but I didn't care, and I remember being angry.

I remember being so angry that I couldn't think straight, so angry that I couldn't see what was in front of me, so angry that I couldn't control my own actions.

Sometimes I think that it wasn't even me who did it all. It must have been someone else. When I look back on it, I can't believe that it's real. I can't believe that I did that to those people. None of them deserved it. I didn't even know most of them.

After that, I remember seeing a man, but I don't remember what he looked like. He started attacking me, and I didn't wonder why, I just fought back. I remember feeling like that person was there to kill me, and I wanted to let them, but my body was moving on its own.

I wasn't in control of myself that night.

I remember bits and pieces of the fight, and I remember thinking that I was going to die. He was going to kill me. He was going to kill me and I wanted him to, but I was scared. I wanted to die, but at the same time I wanted to scream for someone to help me, and to beg him not to do it.

I remember being shot.

It was a blinding pain, like nothing I've ever felt before, and my ears were ringing. I think I blacked out a few seconds later, so my memory of it isn't good. All I remember is the pain.

I was supposed to die.

When I gained consciousness I couldn't open my eyes, but I felt peaceful. Everything was silent, and I felt warm and comfortable. There was no pain, but I remembered what had happened. I remembered being shot, so my first thought was that that was what it was like to be dead.

I was happy.

It was what I wanted.

The first sign that I was alive was a faint smell, and I couldn't place my finger on it, but as soon as I noticed it I knew that I wasn't dead. Every time I tried to move I realized that I couldn't. It was like there was a pressure on top of my whole body, like I was underwater.

I felt myself slowly coming back to full consciousness when I heard a faint voice coming from somewhere near me. It was a man's voice, then another. Two people talking to each other. I didn't recognise either of the voices and it made me a little on edge.

Who were these people?

Where was I?

Did they even know I was there?

At that point my instincts kicked in, and I managed to force my eyes open a little. It took a lot of effort on my part, as my body seemed to want to stay asleep, and was fighting me with everything it had. Opening my eyes didn't do me any good, as I realized all I could see were some various, fuzzy blobs, and a light above me that it hurt to look at.

However, I took it as a definite sign that I was alive, and decided that wherever I was, I didn't want to be there anymore, so I started the battle to try and get the rest of my body to move. It was rather difficult, as all I could move at that point were my fingers, and even that took a ridiculous amount of effort, but I continued on, eventually managing to move one of my arms, which fell off the side of whatever I was lying on.

I could still hear the voices, so it looked like they hadn't noticed me yet, but seeing as the more my hearing came back, the louder they sounded, I decided that they were closer than I first thought, and I had to get out of there quickly.

Struggling to lift my right arm, I thought it wise to do a quick check-over on myself, just to make sure everything was as I remembered it. I had just been shot, after all. I moved my hand onto my face, noticing that everything seemed completely normal, and to my surprise, there wasn't even any blood. No bandages. No stitches. Nothing.

As you can imagine, having been shot in the head after having a gun forced into my mouth, I was quite disturbed by the fact that nothing seemed to be wrong with my face.

I'll admit, a small sense of relief overcame me, and I knew that under these new circumstances I had even more reason to want to get out of this place. I was uninjured. I could escape without worrying. I decided to wait until my sight was a little better, and the fuzzy blobs started to form shapes of furniture, before using all the strength I could muster up to push the top half of my body upright.

Big mistake.

The pain in my head that came with this movement was more than I could possibly bear. It hurt so much I nearly blacked out, the shapes in front of me immediately reverting to a blur of colours and my entire body instantly stiffening, preventing me from moving again and doing more damage.

It was so intense it literally made my stomach lurch, and I threw up, gripping onto the edge of the thing I was sitting on to stop myself from falling.

My mouth tasted like blood.

The voices stopped at this for a few seconds, before someone was talking quickly, and I heard a door close and footsteps moving towards me.

In the state I was in, I couldn't move to see the person approaching me. There was nothing I could do. My head was still pounding and my entire body was shaking, making it difficult to keep myself upright.

Just as I was about to fall, I felt a hand on one of my shoulders, pushing me back so I was lying down, and some other faint noises I couldn't put my finger on, before I, thankfully, lost consciousness due to the pain.