Merry-Go-Round

January 15th, 2015; 7:49 AM

It's kind of funny, but I've begun valuing my Author's Notes just as much as my stories. I've re-written this one three times already because I didn't think the quality was good enough! XD After all, it has to be interesting, or else what's the point of reading this huge blob?

Anyway, I finally found something worth telling about: last night, I had to go back to school. ... No, you're not misunderstanding. School ended at 2:20. I had to be back there for 6:00. *cries* Why, you ask? Yesterday was Grade 8 day.

I don't know if other schools have this (they probably do), but Grade 8 day is when all the future elementary graduates visit our high school and tour it to see if they'd like to be here. They get to watch this grueling hour-long presentation, then they move to the cafeteria to take a look at all the different extra-curricular clubs. That's where I was. See, my club president was supposed to go, but his father is very strict. Father got mad, father forbade, anime club did not have a represent. So he came to me, prideful vice-president and requested my attendance, and I, so selfless as I am, agreed to take precious time out of my marvelous day to aid him. ^^

... Well, actually, I was a little grumpy about it. Of course, I didn't let him know that! He'd feel like he were inconveniencing me and he'd feel bad about it. That's not what I want. After all, this is my responsibility as vice-president!

I just didn't think it would amount to anything. This year, not a single grade 9 joined our club and I worried it would be the same this year too. Still, I wouldn't let anyone see me with that kind of mood, nobody likes a grumpy person. So I made sure to fix up a smile. I thought, 'I'm already here, so I'd might as well make the best of it.' That's how I am, and it's something I do like about myself. So I decided to try my best.

... And then I got there and it turned out they forgot about Anime Club. How typical. In the cafeteria where we were set up, we didn't have a table, we didn't have a sign... we'd been forgotten. How typical, I thought.

Luckily, I was saved. There was a girl named Rubab, the older sister of a good friend. I'd been at her house for Halloween, and so she recognized me. She was a prefect, someone who volunteers for the school's activities, and so when I told her how I was forgotten, she was furious. I wasn't all that down about it, but she felt terrible for me, embarrassed for me. I was like, 'Huh, should I feel embarrassed?' Accidents happen, so I wasn't mad at anyone. But still, she promised not to leave me until we could get me set up. She included me with her friends so I wouldn't feel lonely and, I think without her, I might have ended up feeling down and depressed like I should have. But she was so kind and took such good care of me, how could I be upset? I'm so glad people like her exist in this world. She is such a kind person!

So anyway, after we waited maybe an hour for the teacher to decide on something (although in her defense, the teacher was also very busy with other things and I know I wasn't the most important step on her list), Rubab decided to take things into her own hands. She told the track team to move over and squished me between them. I made my own sign with highlighters (which actually worked out well because it stood out from the other neat black printed ones) and a sign-up sheet with lined paper. X'D A girl named Alexandra brought me blank papers too, and I was able to draw a really pretty Miku on one as a display. That really helped a lot! Thank you Alexandra!

What's more, with the extra pieces of paper, I was able to make another sign. On one side was written 'Join Anime Club!' which I held high in the air. Shortly after people arrived, I noticed some girls eyeing my station, but they were all so shy. They giggled and blushed, took one step forward and two steps back. I swear, it was the cutest thing! And so I got an idea. On the back of my sign, I wrote, 'We don't bite (I promise)'. I held that up instead and they laughed, thought I was funny. This eventually made them comfortable enough to come talk to me.

One girl was so adorable. =^^= Her brother is in 11th grade, I think, and he dragged her over. He explained that she loved to draw anime and watched it all the time and always talked about how much she wanted to join. The whole time though, she was so shy she couldn't even look at me! She had her back to me the entire time, squirming and blushing. She ran off as soon as her brother let her, but came back later on. "Hatsune Miku," she whispered as she pointed to my drawing.

Guys? I think I'm ready to adopt.

I began to woo her, asked what she liked to watch, then went back to the subject of Vocaloids. Her face was so cute when I told her how I actually owned some! (I have IA and Gumi's V3 banks, btw.) Finally, she signed her name... although she ran away blushing as soon as she was done. I never knew people could be so adorable! =^^= It gets better, too. Later on a lady came and looked. I smiled and said she could join too if she wanted. XD But she was focused. She looked on the list and smiled. "So she did sign." It turns out, she was the shy girl's mother! She was making sure her daughter had signed the list because she knew how much she wanted to join. Isn't that really cute? It's rare that you see a parent actually encouraging anime club!

So. I didn't think anyone would sign. I didn't think anyone would even look. In the end, I got six signatures. SIX. DO YOU HEAR ME?! SIX! THAT'S AS MANY AS THE TRACK TEAM GOT! QwQ I couldn't believe it! It's all thanks to everyone who helped me. ^^ If they hadn't supported me, I probably wouldn't have been nearly as positive about everything. It's like... wow. It's really an amazing thing. I'm so happy!

So. The moral to this story is, there's really no need to feel down and embarrassed when things don't go your way. So, the school didn't bother to make you a sign. So what? You make one yourself, and even BETTER sign! It's true, I think, a positive attitude really can change everything. :'D

Don't mourn over what you're lacking. ^^ Take advantage of what you do have, okay? There's no need to feel bad. If you smile and try your best, there won't be anything to be embarrassed of. So yell at the top of your lungs! JOIN ANIME CLUB!

Anonymous Reviews:

Guest: Oh god, a Rin x Nem shipper! :'D That's awesome! Unfortunately though… I think Nem has a girlfriend. ^.^" Heh heh… I'm sorry. That's such an odd pair though, a Vocaloid and a producer! Next thing you know, we'll have Kikuo x Tei… Jin x IA… kemu x Gumi?! Oh my.

B.L: Ahaha, the magical answer to your magical review has arrived! Sekai Ichi Hatsukoi truly is wonderful~ Have you finished it? I was upset with the ending, it felt like there should have been more! Do you agree?

grimyard: I use FL Studio to make music. ^^ It's a good program and it has this cute little avatar that dances when you play music…! The cute dancer is pretty much the reason I chose that one. =w="

Pandagger: I'm not sure I answered your review, so here goes. XD I also like Nem a lot, but it's a problem that so many ship him with Rin. ^^" It's a Rin x Len story, so unfortunately, he probably won't be able to appear for a while so people will go back to the main ship. Luckily, Len takes the spotlight this chapter, so look forward! ;)

Voca-Chan-o1: Last chapter?! Oh no, far from it! XD Sorry, I didn't mean to worry you like that!

MaddyTheAwesome: I'm glad you liked it! I'd been planning that audition scene for a long time, actually. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to use it! I really liked that part. ^^ Really, you find that age gap creepy? See, my father is 11 years older than my mother, so I don't find it that weird… XD I can understand why you'd think that though.

Guest88: Here is that update you so desire! ;)

Dana: Don't die! Your update is here! :D

Chapter 10 - Worry

I lay in bed and wished I had my diary to write in. I'd even sit up and reach for it every so often, only to remember that this wasn't my room and that it wouldn't be there. So instead, I was left there to think.

Bad things happen when I think, I'm not sure why. I can never view things neutrally. Every time I go over life's events in my head, they seem worse than they were. In reality, I'm sure Len wasn't mad at me, but when I try to remember it, I can only think about how much he hates me now. When Mizki found me on her doorstep, I know she'd never think ill of me because she is an honest and kind person. Still, I can't help but wonder what she's thinking, how annoying I must be to show up like that.

It was Monday morning today. I'd be missing school, which was alright. Funny, Dad had no idea I was sleeping in my neighbour's house, skipping for today. He'd likely never know. He'd likely never care. And he'd seemed so interested in my personal life, too, making all these promises to keep me in line. When it came down to it though, he just didn't have the time. He never had the time. He hadn't had time at all for fifteen years.

I felt angry with myself for having let him use me again. Why was I always letting him pull me around? Why did I let him pretend he was my father? I shouldn't have to. I needed to stand my ground instead of spoiling him. Next time, I wouldn't let him get away with it. After all, I'd been fine without a father for almost fifteen years; Len and I were happy on our own. Happy... ha ha.

Len... Leon never paid attention to Len, it seemed. Every time, it was always me being called on my own. Sure, he was also allowed to hitch rides off Nem, but Leon had stated he was my personal assistant- as far as I knew, Len didn't have any. Or maybe he did. Yeah, he probably did... Len wasn't the kind to use people like that, not like me... If he had an assistant, he was probably always giving her days off. Yeah... that was like him. He was always so nice to other people...

He'd come last night. Only after his special date with Miku, of course. Ha ha! I vaguely remember Mizki opening the door, giving me a snarky look, and asking if I was in the mood to talk. (Maybe she wasn't so snarky in real life... My memory is often distorted.) I told her no. I couldn't bear the thought of seeing Len, not after the favor I'd asked of him, not to mention what had happened that morning...!

I blushed just thinking of it. I was so ashamed. It wasn't normal of me to have done that, not normal, not normal, disgusting-

"Rin?" The door opened slightly, pausing in case of objection. When he didn't hear any, Yuuma pushed it open, dressed in his usual baggy attire. I wish I could go to school dressed like that... Yuuma really had an amazing job.

"I'm awake."

He seemed relieved. Yuuma had always been like a cool older brother to me, and yet he was always careful not to get too close. He was just like that, Mizki said, even with his own wife. He just worries too much of what the other person will think, she said, always worries he'll step over some invisible line. She thinks it makes him selfless because he always thinks about the other person's needs, even too much. Sometimes I'd wonder if Mizki saw him through a pink-coloured lens and if he was just an awkward person. Seeing him now, though, even with my pessimism...

... He really is worried about me.

"How you feeling?" He sat on my bed. It was actually the guest room, but I came so often that a pair of my pajamas were in the bedside drawer and plushies from my childhood still decorated the furniture. Len and I used to share this room, back when we used to sleep over together...

I realized Yuuma was staring at me and blinked a few times. "Mm?" Had he said something?

His brows knit as he let out a breath through his nose. Yuuma was always very subtle with his emotions. I used to watch him when I was younger and analyze every slight movement he made, trying to figure out what he was thinking... "You know, you're lucky Mizki forgot her lunch. We weren't supposed to come home yesterday. You're lucky."

I nodded awkwardly. "Yeah..." I didn't feel lucky.

"Are you going to tell me why you were having a complete meltdown on our doorstep?"

I winced. Yuuma could beat around the bush when he wanted to, but he definitely wasn't afraid to get straight to the point. Still... I felt an emotional bruise forming. Perhaps there's a reason people aren't usually so blunt.

Huh. The bad thoughts had gone away.

He stared at me with those golden eyes, all-knowing intelligent orbs as calculating as a cat's. I bet he already knew what I would say. "It's fine."

"So you're not going to tell me then." He looked up at the ceiling. "Should I be worried?"

In a way, Yuuma reminded me of Nem. Yuuma was a lot more blunt, a lot harsher, but they could both read me like a book and never forced me to say anything I didn't want to. Maybe that's why it was so easy to trust Nem... he reminded me of my own childhood hero.

"No."

"No, what?"

"No, you don't have to be worried."

With his head tilted back like that, I could barely see his face, yet I could see perfectly the look he gave me. "Saying it like that makes it worse, you know."

"I don't think you have to be worried."

A low groaning noise in his throat as he pressed his palm into his face. "Are you doing this on purpose?" He sighed. "Of course I'm going to worry about you, kid. How could you expect me not to? Frig..."

I couldn't help but smile. Even though we weren't children anymore, he'd grown used to child-friendly curses. Hearing them still sounded so funny... "I'm fine, really. I feel a lot better now." I waited a few seconds and added, "I'm just stressed."

"About what?"

Oh. He was asking. He stared right at me now, daring me to lie to him. He'd know if I was lying; he always knew. Some people have a gift for things like this. Nem, Yuuma, maybe even Leon... Others, like Len, have the gift of oblivion. Or ignorance.

"It's fine," I insisted, smiling for emphasis. He'd know it wasn't real. He'd also know that if matters were so bad, I wouldn't bother faking.

"It's not fine." He never blinked. "Let me repeat it again, Rin, because I think you might have misunderstood the first time: You had. A meltdown. On your neighbour's front steps. It's not fine."

What could I tell him? 'Yeah, you're right, I'm not fine, but I have to pretend to be. See, I'm just in love with my twin brother, which is great and all, but unfortunately, it's also illegal. I think. Oh, and he has a girlfriend! His girlfriend is my best friend. Well, was. She's probably still as sweet as she's always been, and I'm really the only bitchy one, but I can't really help it. I kind of hate her for dating my brother, even though I'm not allowed to think of him that way, which is kind of stupid, actually. Oh, not to mention how my 'dad' is trying to make me take over some multi-million company and trusting me not to run it into the ground, without even thinking of asking "Hey, Rin, do you actually want to take care of this huge responsibility that I'm forcing onto you and that will totally bankrupt us if you mess shit up enough?
Oh, and also, you're not the only one worried about the whole meltdown-on-doorstep issue. I seriously think I'm going insane, or something. Like, I honestly think I might be losing my mind. So, yeah, not quite fine, but there's nothing to worry about, really!'

I smiled. "Yeah... I've always been pretty dramatic, huh? It's really nothing though. I'm actually really embarrassed about it-"

"You're a terrible actress."

My eyes widened and deep down I knew he would win this battle. By saying something like that, he probably already had. "A terrible actress? Are you kidding me?! I got like, a ninety-six in drama!"

"Everybody gets high grades in drama."

"Yeah, right! I got the highest grade in my class, you know!"

"Second highest, actually. You told me about it last year."

I felt my blood boil at his taunting and judging by the little smirk on his face, he knew it. I felt like yanking his stupid white beanie right over his head. I kind of felt like pulling his pink fluffy hair out. But maybe I was just feeling aggressive over other things...

Oh. He was getting me to direct my anger onto him instead.

He wanted to take my wrath so I could feel better afterwards...

"You have no freaking idea! Did you even take drama?! Like, it's not even close to easy! Like... Like... What the hell!" He was trying really hard not to laugh. "It's not funny!"

"Drama doesn't even help you in life. It's a waste of a high school course." He was doing it on purpose. I knew for a fact that Yuuma was a big supporter of arts in schools.

"As if!" Not funny! "People act all the time, you know. I know you do! Everyone does! It's like... you have to pretend in front of other people sometimes, all the time. Drama makes it easier..."

"You don't have to be a good actress to fool Len." I flinched. His gray eyes searched me, seeming satisfied with what he saw. "Bull's eye, huh?"

I should have just ignored him. When I heard him knock, I should have pretended to be sleeping. "I don't know what you're talking about."

He snorted. "I always knew you'd like drama." He leaned back again, folding his hands behind his head. "Even when you were little, you were always such a drama queen." I glared, but for some reason, that made him smile. "Whenever you're upset about something, it's usually Len's fault." He waited a few beats. "So what did he do this time?"

I shook my head. "... I know I'm a drama queen. I'm being ridiculous." Was I just being stupid? "It's... not really a big deal, I guess... You're right, I'm just being stupid."

"That's not what I'm saying. It's okay to be upset, just don't try to keep it bottled up inside of you. You'll worry us... you know what I mean?"

Was I worrying people?

Oh. Of course. Of course Mizki would be worried about me, the way I just sank into her like that... And Yuuma must be worried if he came to talk about me like that.

I never really thought of that, though. I guess I should have known they'd worry, and yet... I don't know. It's almost like they don't count. Saying that is just stupid and rude, isn't it?

I say a lot of stupid things.

"RIN! Someone's here to see you!"

Yuuma and I both stared at each other skeptically at the sound of Mizki's voice. First of all, she should be at work already. Second of all... who was here to see me? It wasn't even my house!

"Does she mean Len?" Yuuma asked, watching carefully. What he really meant was, had I actually made a new friend?

"Why wouldn't she just say so, then?" I paused. "Unless she thinks I'm mad at him and is trying to sneak him up..."

We could hear footsteps coming up the stairs. "Either way," Yuuma said, standing, "I should probably go. I have work too, you know." He didn't exit right away, though. He paused in the doorway, staring at something - someone - in front of him. But he didn't say anything.

That meant it wasn't Len.

With a curt nod, he let her into my room. I frowned and rubbed at my eyes. "Gumi?"

It looked like her, at least. Her blue eyes were as sharp as usual, her green hair smooth and well-kept. But what would Gumi be doing here? How did she even know where I was?

She smiled at me, though it didn't really seem like she was being kind. "I asked your brother where you were. He told me you were sick." She took a step towards me, her eyes narrowing. "... You don't seem sick."

"What are you doing here?"

She sniffed a laugh. "Why are you so suspicious? I'm just being a good friend."

... Friend?

Huh. I didn't know she considered me a friend. I always thought I was closer to... a science project, or something.

In the end, that wasn't a bad guess.

She sat down on the edge of my bed, which was probably closer than she'd ever sat to me, but she didn't look at me. ... Although being this close, I probably would have felt uncomfortable if she did. "So I'm the only one who came to check on you."

"Well, no, I mean, I'm sure Len and... Miku will drop by too."

"Your brother and his girlfriend don't count."

I flinched, not so much at the insult but rather at the term she used. Girlfriend... "What are you trying to say?"

She snuck a glance at me, those teal eyes strangely playful, then looked back up at the ceiling. "Aren't you lonely?"

It was interesting to watch her hair move when she did... I wish I could draw something like that... "Hm?" What did she say? I wasn't listening.

Now she stared right at me and I froze. Faced with that stare, it was impossible to look away, I felt like I couldn't even breathe- "Aren't you lonely?"

Her voice was so soft... It filled me with warmth just hearing it.

I've always wondered if Gumi had some kind of sixth sense. She was a master at manipulating emotions.

"U-Um..." I tried to shake the feeling off. "No, of course not. I have Len."

She leaned over. "But don't you feel some kind of void? Isn't there a part of you that wants something else?" Her eyes were so blue, her voice so kind...

"Why are you acting so nice to me?" It made me uncomfortable. In fact, the hairs on my arm were standing. But she just leaned back a little, putting a bit more distance between us - that already made me feel a lot better - and kept smiling.

"Do you want honesty?" I gave her a strange look and she chuckled. "Of course. Well..." She shrugged. "I think you're interesting."

It was weird, but the way she was acting, talking so sweetly, charming me... it felt like she was flirting with me. Or something. "Umm..." I ducked my head and quietly said, "I don't really swing that way..." At least, I didn't think so. But I wasn't expecting her reaction.

Right away she began laughing, so hard that her eyes seemed teary. She laughed like it was the funniest thing in the world. ... The fact that Gumi knew how to laugh was amazing.

After a few minutes her giggles had become quiet, leaving her winded. "Haa... Haa... Is that how you treat everyone that tries to get close to you? No wonder you don't have friends." Another fit of laughter threatened to overcome her, but she kept it in. I didn't know what to say and just gaped at her, stammering 'Uhs' and 'Ohs'. "You know, maybe it's not the people around you. Maybe you're the reason people don't flock to you. Ever think about that?"

Why was she saying this stuff?! "You're kind of annoying me."

"I know."

... If she knew, then why wasn't she apologizing? ... Wasn't she supposed to apologize? "If you came to make fun of me, you can go."

In response to this, she lay fully on my bed, much like Yuuma had. "I'm the only one who came by to check on you. You should be a lot more grateful, you know."

Should I? Speaking of which... "How did you even get here?!"

She seemed surprised I'd asked. Surprised... and pleased. "I asked your brother."

I didn't realize she talked to Len. Maybe that was why she assumed we were friends. People Len knew seemed to assume that because we're twins, being Len's friend automatically makes them mine as well. They'd try to talk to me in the halls or during class, but, um... I wasn't the most social person. In fact, my social abilities were about equal to that of a rock.

"So Len just told you I was here?"

"He gave me your address and told me you were in the house on the right." Damn it, Len. "Besides, why are you so suspicious of me?" She seemed completely relaxed in my room, stretching and making herself at home. "Did I do something to make you mad?"

Should I be honest? Well, she was honest with me, wasn't she? ... Well, she claimed to be honest. "Something about you just rubs me the wrong way."

She sat up so quickly it scared me. She gave me the weirdest look too, something like confusion and curiosity... like I'd grown another nose and while she was disgusted, she really wanted to figure out how that worked. "... 'Rub you the wrong way'? ... I'm not even touching you."

She didn't know what that meant? "It's an expression." She still stared blankly. "It means you give me a bad feeling.

Her eyes lit up in a way that was almost cute - which was weird because this was Gumi Megpoid - and she nodded. "Oh, I see. I forgot what that meant." She seemed satisfied. But... shouldn't she be worried more about what I'd said? It wasn't a good thing!

"So you think I'm your friend?"

"You are." She fiddled with a knot in her hair for a few seconds until she realized I wasn't answering. I probably looked like an idiot, but for some reason I was so surprised, it was like... I don't know. She smiled and it was weird because it wasn't a smirk, but an actual smile. It was as strange to me as hearing her laugh, because... the Gumi I'd met was virtually silent. "I consider you my friend. Don't you? We talk all the time in class, right?"

... By all the time, she meant what, four times?

It was strange to see her acting so nice to me suddenly, especially since she'd seemed so uninterested just a few weeks ago. But... she was right, in a way.

There are a lot of things I can't tell Len. Secrets, I guess. The obvious one is that I loved him, for which the reasons are obvious. But there were other things too, other things he wouldn't be interested about, or that if I told him he'd just worry about it. Some of those things, I used to tell Miku. She wasn't as close to me as she probably thought she was, but she did fill a bit of a gap...

What a fool I am. I didn't even like her that much, and yet I convinced my brother to date her.

Stupid.

"What are you thinking about?" She was watching me. Her blue eyes, while they seemed kind enough, still held that sharp analytical look of a doctor as she studied my face for clues.

"... Nothing, really."

She seemed to remember something. "Oh, I brought you your science homework!" She reached over for something and I wasn't sure what she doing until she pulled an average-sized backpack onto her lap. Strange, I hadn't even noticed she had it with her. Did she have it on when she came in? "Here." She forced it into my hands.

"I'll read it late-"

"No, look at it now, while I'm here. I can help you out with anything you don't understand."

... Seriously? From the look on her face, yes. But why? Was she that interested in science? From the way she acted in class, I hadn't thought so. For some reason though, I didn't argue. I just began scanning the first page.

It was about particles. Was that biology or chemistry? Or physics...? Whatever. Either way, we'd gone over particles on Friday. I knew enough not to need her help.

Particles are the basis of all matter, blah blah blah. Something about The Particle Theory, mmhm, yep. Four rules to particles, great. "So where's the homework part?"

She seemed proud of herself for some reason, almost excited. It was weird. "That is the homework."

"No, this is the reading. I don't have the questions."

"It's a fill-in-the-blank," she explained. Looking closer, I realized she was right, but it looked like I'd already done it.

"I must have done this before already. It's already filled in."

Her grin only grew. "That's impossible. We just got it today."

... Why was she so happy? "Well then I must have gotten it by accident or something, because-" Then I stopped as I realized what she was saying. I stared back at the note. 'Particles are the basis to all matter.' I'd written in the word matter and it sounded right, and yet I didn't remember filling it in. In fact, I rarely did any homework, so how could this...?

Wait a second. It looked like mine, but... It seemed neater, somehow. I mean, I'm not a messy writer, but this writing looked like it had been done carefully and slowly, almost like an amateur imitating a famous artist's style...

"I didn't write this."

She shook her head, biting her lip impatiently.

I watched her, leaning forward again, waiting, the way she seemed so excited... "Did you do it for me?"

Finally. She sat grinning at me. "It's good, isn't it? Not perfect, but good, right?"

I stared at the completed work. It looked like my writing. It was so convincing that even I hadn't noticed. "I'm pretty sure that's illegal."

She shrugged. "That's okay." I'm sure she wouldn't say that if she slept behind bars. "Aren't you going to thank me?"

I blinked. "Um... Thank... you?" It felt strange and I wondered if maybe I had bad manners. Did I always remember to say thank you? I felt like I probably didn't.

Suddenly I realized something strange: It was twelve o' clock in the afternoon, probably later than that. School didn't finish until quarter-to-three. "Aren't you still supposed to be in school?!"

She seemed thrilled that I'd noticed. "I left during lunch!" Why was she so happy about this?!

"Isn't lunch over by now?!"

"Mm..." She checked the watch on her wrist. "Almost. I have about five minutes."

"Five minutes?!" It took at least ten minutes to walk back to school, and that was if she moved fast. It would probably take her closer to twenty to get there. "And wait, we only have science after lunch. How the heck did you get today's homework-"

"I asked." She looked smug. I didn't get why.

"You should go, then! Aren't you going to be late?"

"It's sweet of you to think of me." ... What the hell. "By the way, your brother said he might skip the rest of the day to come check on you. He even gave me his number, asked me to call and tell him how you're doing..." She was smirking again, watching me with that curious face. "What should I tell him?"

"He can't skip! Is he stupid?!" I pressed my palms into my face. Idiot, idiot! "Besides, I don't even want to see him right now..." I stopped, realizing what I was saying. When I peeked through my fingers, even Gumi's smirk had disappeared. She was studying me, extremely concentrated.

"Is it his fault you're sick?"

I didn't feel like talking about it. "Just tell him not to come, okay?! The last thing I need is for him to be here..."

"Oh, look at that, he's already on his way~!"

WHAT?! "Get out!"

She looked over at me like I'd asked what kind of tea she liked. "Hm?"

"I said get out!" I got out of bed and pulled her off, shoving her back pack into her hands. "He's going to get weird if he sees you here!"

I didn't even know what I was saying myself, but she just nodded like she understood and made her way to the door.

I think I just wanted to be alone with him. Or, rather... I wanted him all to myself. The only thing worse than seeing him when I don't want to see him is locking him out with another girl as company. The last time I'd done that...

"Um, thank you for the homework..."

She shouldn't have heard me. I said it so quietly and she was already walking down the sidewalk... yet she looked up and nodded at me, just like Yuuma had.

I just realized this now, but I think she did it on purpose, acting like Yuuma does just to make me feel more familiar with her. She knew a lot about these psychological things, after all.

... So Len would be here.

I didn't really want to see Len right now. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, and after Gumi's visit, also very confused. Even more confused, actually.

I was being stupid, though. I knew I was being stupid. I was making a big deal out of nothing and worrying Mizki, Yuuma, L-Len... and maybe even more people. What had even set me off? I'd been at the company. I'd listened to those auditions. No... No wait. Before that. I'd had some kind of breakdown right in front of the elevator. I'd snapped at Nem and offended him. No wait, before that. I'd let Len walk in while I was changing. Stupid, stupid! Why did I do that?!

I'd been strange all day yesterday. Was I going crazy? Or was it just one bad day, a day when I was already anxious and on edge, my hormones making me overemotional, my head making me dizzy and confused...?

Either way, I'd definitely overreacted. It was because I'd overreacted that I felt so embarrassed now. It was my fault. If I don't want to feel this way, I have to stop doing these kinds of things.

Thinking like that made me feel better. Odd, I wondered, could it be thanks to Gumi? Even though her smile was strange and left me a little unsettled, maybe it had rubbed off a bit. Or maybe it was just thanks to Yuuma. Either way... I did feel a lot better now. A lot better.

I noticed I was still standing in the open doorway even though Gumi had already left. It was cold too and I was letting out the house's warm air... Oops.

I closed and locked it so Len wouldn't be able to sneak in and surprise me. I was still kind of on my toes after yesterday, feeling anxious and a little paranoid; the last thing I needed was a surprise.

I decided the least I could do was make him some lunch. I wasn't very good at cooking or any other household chores, but I could at least make him a sandwich. Len was the one who usually made our lunches. He was always better at these things.

... He'd probably already had lunch. Hadn't the school break just ended? I hesitated, but... Even if he didn't eat it, it was the thought that would count, right? He'd know I wasn't mad at him this way and he'd see that I really care, and-...

... Am I even adding ulterior motives to a sandwich?

I paused, staring at my peanut butter-coated knife. It wasn't mine, but Mizki wouldn't mind. She always encouraged me to use what I wanted to use, treating us like her own children.
Was she only being polite? Was I missing some sign? Would she be mad at me if she found out I used food without asking?

... Am I what they call a manipulative person?

I wiped the peanut butter on the clean slice of bread. ... I'd borrowed food from Mizki plenty of times before. She'd never minded. I was being silly again. As for the sandwich itself...

Maybe this was a bad idea after all. He probably wasn't even hungry. Although, if I were to throw it all out now, it would be a waste of food, wouldn't it?

I... I did add an ulterior motive to this stupid piece of bread. I thought that maybe he'd realize I care for him far more than Miku did and he'd come to his senses and... and... I don't know. But before I thought any of that, I decided to make him a sandwich so he wouldn't worry about me. How did that make any sense?!

'... Why am I putting so much thought into a simple sandwich?'

The knob twisted and I froze. Even from the kitchen, I could hear everything. Twist, push, pause. Twist, push... And then he knocked.

I immediately regretted having locked the door. I felt so self-conscious all of a sudden as I wiped my hands on my pants- AH! I was getting my pants dirty! Come to think of it, weren't these the same clothes I'd worn yesterday? Oh god, I hadn't changed! My clothes probably smelled! Did I have time to change?!

He knocked again, a patient tock, tock, tock, tock.

He knew where the spare key was, didn't he? Why wasn't he opening it himself?!

The last thing I'd needed was a surprise, I'd said. It turns out that even without one, I still manage to screw things up on my own.

I started for the door and realized I still held a knife in my hand. Oh god, and my pants-! I tried to quickly rub out the stain I'd made as I heard Len knock one more time. "Co-" Wait, should I tell him I was on my way, or would that send the wrong message? Wait, what kind of message was I even trying to send? What was I even talking about?

Oh god what if he thought I was sleeping and just decided to leave, oh god what if he's already gone, what if he calls the police or something, oh god I don't know-

I wrenched the door open so fast I was surprised I hadn't broken anything.

Len stood there blinking, the spare key in his hand. I'm sure I was a sight to behold: I hadn't once checked my hair, my pants had an orange-brown stain on them and my chest heaved with a mix of panic and a sudden sprint across the room.

I was so scared, so scared he'd be scared of me and decide maybe now wasn't such a good time to visit after all, so scared he'd reject me and leave- when he smiled.

He smiled at me.

Len smiled.

"Look," he said, bringing his left hand closer so I could see what he carried. "I found this on the way here. Isn't it cute?"

Of course that would be the first thing he'd ask. He wasn't really worried about me, just bored. He'd only used me as an excuse to skip class, right? Ri...ght?

Clutched in his hand was a small yellow plush. It was skinny with two tiny bead eyes and a tiny little nose. Its tail was cute and puffy and its long ears hung over its face that comically resembled hair. It was an adorable doll rabbit.

"When did you get that?"

"I saw it while I was walking here." He gestured at me to step back so he could come inside and I realized I'd been blocking his way. Ah, how embarrassing! "I thought it was cute, so I got it for you." He smiled again, that bright smile that took my breath away. "Do you like it? I was hoping it would make you feel a little better."

He... He thought of me. "U-Um, the door..." He thought of me. He thought of me. "You'll let all the warm air out." He thought of me. I can't believe he thought of me. He cares about me. He was worried about me. I was on his mind.

I felt bad about considering he was just using me like that. Len wasn't like that. Len was always geniune, and I loved him for that. Len was unbelievably kind. Len had bought me a rabbit.

He bent over to try and see my ducked face. "Do you like it?" he asked again, like he actually wanted to hear my answer.

The last thing I'd needed was a surprise, I'd said.

My face was burning so red, I thought it might burn right off. Hesitating, I took the bunny from his offering hand and our hands brushed. I felt this strange tingling throughout my entire body as I quickly nodded. "I... I love it." Was it wrong to say the word 'love' in front of him?

He seemed pleased. "That's good. And you look like you're feeling better too, so..." His smile stretched into something more evil. "If you're feeling up to it, I'm feeling like a rematch in Mario Kart. Whaddya say?"

I could tell he was trying really hard to cheer me up. I admired that. If it were me, I probably would have been so worried that I'd force him to tell me what was wrong, even if he didn't want to. He hadn't even asked.

"I just had a rough-"

"Here, I'm kind of thirty so let me just get a glass of milk, okay?"

Why did he leave like that? He did it as soon as I started talking, too. Was he that scared I'd refuse a game of Mario Kart?

... Oh. No, wait.

He wasn't scared I'd refuse a race. He was scared I'd refuse him... was that it?

He used to be the first one I'd go to with my problems and when he found out something had happened yesterday, I bet he'd just assumed we were following routine.

I... I think I yelled at him yesterday. When he opened the door and came to check on me, I think I might have... screamed at him. Told him to get out.

Did I tell him I hated him? That was something I had to make sure of. I'd gotten mad at Len before but I was careful not to say that, even when it was on the tip of the tongue. I'd had a dream once when I was younger that he hated me and it had completely changed the meaning of the word. After all, if he hated me, Mom hated me and Dad (sort of) hated me, I'd have no one left. In fact, Lily and Leon didn't even count: If Len hated me, I'd have no one. And so never would I ever put him through something like in that dream. If I told such a lie like that, I'd never forgive myself.

I didn't remember much about last night, but after thinking hard enough about it I decided I hadn't said anything like that. Good. I was still okay. I still needed to apologize though.

He hadn't come back to the living room so I decided to follow him. "Len, I... Um..." I paused. "What?"

He'd been staring at something at the counter and jumped when I'd begun talking. And then he just stared at me.

... Oh god. Was it an ant?

Spiders were fine. Flies, sure. Snails, worms and even bees weren't that bad. But ants were something I could not tolerate.

"What is it?"

He blinked a few times as if he were confused and then gave his head a quick shake. "I... just... Were you hungry?"

I didn't get what he was talking about until I realized he'd been staring at the counter. "Um, no, not really. You didn't eat, right?"

"Oh." He chuckled for some reason. "No, I, um... I actually forgot to make lunch this morning, so..."

"Oh." That actually made me happy. "Good. I started making you lunch and then I realized you probably full already, so, like-"

"I'm starving, actually." He was giving me this funny look, staring right at me with wide eyes. ... Was he that hungry? "Did you... actually make that for me, or are you just saying that?"

What was he talking about? Was it that hard to believe? "I'm not completely done yet though, I still have to cut up the bananas." Pause. "You still like the bananas, right?"

He nodded. "Peanut butter and jelly sandwich with bananas... You remember that."

Now it was my turn to give him a weird look. "Um, yeah. I've only been living with you every single day of your life, right?"

He blinked again and turned away sheepishly, seeming embarrassed. "Right... I don't know, I figured it was a long time ago, so like..."

I began slicing the peeled banana. "What's up with you? You're acting weird." If anything, I should have been the weird one. In fact, I was only acting calm, hoping he didn't notice the way my hand trembled as I cut. Was he mad at me? Was he trying to hide that by being nice? But why would he get me the cute bunny sitting on the kitchen table? Could he be trying to guilt me?

"Ah, I don't know." He let out a nervous laugh. "I didn't sleep that well last night, so that's probably it, mostly. I've just been kind of worried."

Worried...

So he was worried about me?

Or was he just saying that to make me feel better?

I got mad at him a lot and I yelled at him too, but usually I'd cool off and be fine with him soon after. Lately, that hasn't been the case. He wasn't the one being weird; I was. And I was worrying him.

As I'd said, I'd been with him since day one. We'd always had each other, and that was that. Maybe I was just getting upset that he was seeing Miku a lot lately.

I stopped cutting.

... Could I be... jealous?

Well, duh. I peeled the banana a little more. Of course I was jealous. I was... in love with him. Of course I'd be jealous of his girlfriend.

But maybe I wasn't just jealous because I wanted to be that girl. Maybe it was that other side too, the adoring sister.

Now I felt stupid. Stupid and spoiled. Was that why I'd been so weird lately? I'd blamed it on craziness, told myself I was losing my mind... but could I have been doing it just for attention? I didn't know. I didn't know.

Either way, I was worrying him. Of course I was. I was pushing away my only family and he was being pushed away by his only sister.
I'm so stupid.

"I'm really sorry... about yesterday."

He looked up so sharply it almost scared me and I realized my silence had been bothering him, worrying him even more. Oops. "What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean." I sighed, decorating the peanut butter side with pale yellow slices. I'd cut far more than I'd needed. "I... I shouldn't have yelled at you..."

"It's okay," he said right away. It wasn't okay. He just didn't want me to be mad.

"Stop. Don't say that." I took a deep breath. "Let me talk." He nodded. What was he even doing? He seemed to be looking for something in the fridge... yet he'd been standing there for the last three minutes. "I shouldn't have yelled at you. Not just this time, but also... any other time. And, when we went to the mall together too, I shouldn't have left without you. I'm really sorry about that."

"I-"

"Let me finish," I scolded. He nodded and returned to the fridge. He noticed he wasn't even looking for something and cursed, closing it. He still wouldn't look at me though. "I've been... off, lately. I... I think I've just been stressed. Suddenly Lily is coming back and Da- Leon has decided he actually wants something to do in our lives and... I don't know, there's probably a lot more psychological stuff too-" like my feelings for you "-but... I've still been an ass. Um... I'm sorry. I think I needed that breakdown yesterday. I feel a lot better now." I'd done a lot of thinking while I'd been home.

He crossed his arms and I braced myself; crossed arms were a sign of offense or aggressiveness. So was he mad at me after all? "You're not an ass."

... Out of everything I'd just said, of all the finest little details...

"You're not."

Why is that the part you're so worried about?

"Aren't you mad at me Len?!" I felt like I might cry. For no particular reason. I was just feeling so many emotions at once, frustration, confusion, relief, guilt, all of them weighing down on me at once and making me feel overwhelmed.

"I've probably been more of an ass than you were."

We're both stupid.

I sniffed and tried to hold back my stupid tears. "You really shouldn't say things like that." When he acted so nice to me, it made my heart squeeze a little. A lot. Not like a sister's heart should squeeze.

If we'd been a normal family, would things have been different?

"Eat your stupid sandwich." He looked at me with that stupid face that made me feel so damn guilty all the time, a face like a puppy at a pet store, so hopeful you'll adopt him but knowing already that you're more of a cat person. "I'm not mad at you," I added and the relief I saw made my heart hurt even more.

"If you were feeling so bad, why didn't you tell me?" He asked as he began to eat. From the looks of it, he wasn't lying about missing lunch.

That question, though... How could I answer that without making him mad? The truth was that I had to keep secrets now. I couldn't tell him how much I always missed him. I couldn't tell him just how happy his smiles really made me. I couldn't tell him why I'd lied about having a crush on someone else, nor why I'd suddenly become so cold around Miku. So I told him the most truthful thing I could: "I didn't want to worry you."

He sent me a look, took a drink of milk and raised a brow. "Seriously?"

Yeah, it seemed dumb, didn't it? But most of my problems, as I was beginning to realize, were just exaggerations of something small. Yuuma was right, I was a drama queen after all. If I told Len about every single thing that bothered me, it'd get old fast. It was best to keep these things to myself after all. "You'd do the same for me."

He scoffed at that. "Yeah right. As if I would even be able to." He was right; I'd see through him right away. Out of the two of us, it would seem I was the better actress.

I just had more practice.

"... It's Halloween tomorrow."

The way he looked at me, I knew he wasn't done with our discussion. But for now, he'd go for it. "Mom called me. She told me we're going to some party tomorrow?"

"What?" That sounded terrible.

"Some company thing." He rolled his eyes. "Dad wants to show off his heirs, I guess." He acted indifferent and yet there was that little twinkle of hope in those blue orbs. He wanted Leon to treat him like a son for once. He... was too naive for his own good.

"Do you think we can skip it?" I asked carefully. I didn't think it was a good idea for Len to get too used to having Dad around. Not when it seemed like he'd disappear again at any moment.

But I saw that sparkle in Len's eyes. "I don't think so." Even if we could, he'd probably still go.

"Fine... then we'll go. But if it's boring, we'll ditch together, okay?"

He nodded, seeming happy. "I'll probably be allowed to bring Miku t-"

"Don't bring Miku." He was surprised and confused. Of course he was; he thought we were still friends. "She wouldn't like those kinds of people. It would probably bore her, don't you think?"

"Oh yeah, you're probably right." No, Miku would have loved that kind of event. Len still didn't know her well enough to have made that connection. Good.

"... I'm really sorry for yelling at you."

He chuckled as he licked crumbs off his fingers. "It's okay, you didn't mean it." It didn't matter. I'd still said things I shouldn't have said.

What could I say now to make things better? "I'm happy you worried about me."

"You're weird."

"I mean it!"

"So do I."

I love this boy.

"You know, not that you're done your lunch, I kind of feel like... I don't know. Maybe a racing game?"

I love him as a sister.

"Mario Kart?"

I love him like a lover.

"I call Toad."

"We're doing the Peach Beach course first. I know you like it."

"Seriously? You really are an ass."

I love him more than anything in a world... But maybe for his sake...

Maybe it'd be best for him if I got over that love.

After all, I'd do anything for him.

January 15th, 2015; 7:20 PM

It's funny how quickly moods can change based on our interactions. This morning I was happy. I feel terrible now. I feel this way because someone made me feel this way. Isn't that a really terrible concept?

I've always found it kind of worrying (and even a little annoying) when someone says they're upset and doesn't explain why. Is that nosy of me? Either way, I'll let you know, just in case you're like me.

When I got home, I found out that someone who was nice to me was only like that because he wanted to, quote, 'fuck the shit out of me'. Of course, this isn't the worst thing that can happen, and maybe some people would take that as a compliment. But even though there would be boys who'd think things like that, they were usually more subtle about it. This one came right out there and said it, as if expecting me to be happy hearing it. I... I don't know. I was really shocked. Of course, I didn't know him well, and it's not like I loved him or anything. God no, I wasn't even crushing on him. At most, I saw him as a possible friend. Either way, it's not the fact that he said something like that upsetting me. It's the implications it brings.

I know he was just an ass. I know that. But at the same time... I can't help but think I must have done something, said something to make him think I was that kind of person. I just felt so... dirty. Kind of like an object. I usually don't like that expression, if only because it's so overused and exaggerated, but, I can't really think of another way to say it. I felt disgusting.

... Hm. I wonder why I'm saying this?

It's funny, because I've never been able to keep an honest journal. My life was so boring that I'd always exaggerate things, to the point where it just became a story separate from my life.
These Author's Notes are the closest thing I've ever had to a real diary. Heh... How weird. I share my diary with the world. I always have been very open, so I don't mind! If anything, it makes me feel closer to you people, as my readers. You know all about me, right? So we aren't strangers!

... That wasn't what I was supposed to talk about. Oops.

Anyway, um. Oh yeah. I've realized I'm not very good at romance. You've noticed, right? Luckily, most of you don't mind, which is great. Great. Like, seriously, I'm so relieved. ^^" But I think it's time I stop half-assing it. It's not like I try to- in fact, I didn't notice until recently that my romance isn't good. I realized it by reading Strobe Edge, a brilliantly written shojo manga. It was so amazingly good! My feelings were strung every which way, my heart squeezed and for days I could think of nothing but that. O-O And then I compared it to my stories. Why don't I feel that way about my work?

The love in my stories isn't all that genuine. What I need to learn is to show, not tell. It's difficult though. I don't love people that way; I don't just 'fall in love'. The last time I was ever 'in love' was when I was... twelve? I'm turning sixteen this year. I don't have the experiences to be as good as some of those fluffy authors. But you know what? I'll do what I can with what I have. ^^ Have you noticed a difference? I tried hard to use new methods this chapter. Please, tell me if you felt any different!

So, yeah, if you notice some randomly fluffy oneshots, this is why. I'm trying to become better- not just for myself, but also for you. ^^ If you have any suggestions, I'd be really happy to hear them!

Speaking of suggestions, I have a forum now on Fanfiction! :D It's called 'The Know-It-All's Footnotes - Naty's Corner' and I'm there spilling all the wisdom I can think of. XD For example, the latest thing I've uploaded is an article about three-dimensional characters. Do you feel like your characters are shallow? Ever been told your characters are flat? Then maybe I can help. ^^ I can't guarantee it, but I can certainly try! Adding dimensions, by the way, is when a character goes from being just a few ordinary paragraphs into a real human being that you might be able to meet in real life. Instead of just being some role, they develop feelings and unique thoughts. It's a bit complicated, which is why I wrote the article to help you out! ^^ I hope you'll read it!

(Still) January 15th, 2015; 10:55 PM

... Hey. For those of you that are kind enough to worry about me, I'm alright. ^^ I promise. In this world, there are people that will look at you and only think of how they can use you... but in the same world, there are also people who will smile genuinely and truly want to know you, like all those people who helped me on Grade 8 day. I felt really down and disgusting for a while, but I have people who know me better than that. I have friends who believe in me and know I'm not a dirty person. So... I could be better, but I'm alright. ^^ Yeah. It happened. The only thing I can do is try to prevent it from happening again. What did I do that might have caused this? Let's try to avoid this next time!

... If all else fails, at least next time, I'll have thought of some witty comebacks. ;) "Hi, I'm Naty. I'm not your right hand." That's too subtle, isn't it? Hmm... "You know what's a total turn-off? Your methods of seduction." Ooh, burn. I don't know if he'd understand those words, though... Wanna help? XD

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