AN: Hey! I'm so so sooooo sorry this took so long. My trip got extended an extra day and then I had a ton of appointments, then a concert, then my birthday, then work, and now we're here. Anyway, I began this chapter as the episode Amplification, but I found myself having a ton of trouble with it, so I'm skipping the actual Spencer-anthrax-close-to-death thing and just touching upon it. So, I really hope you like this chapter!

OH and as for Ana goes: I decided to sort of boot her out of the story because it was too difficult for me to incorporate her, Ari, AND Matthew, so I just narrowed it down to Ari and Matthew. :)

P.S. As of this week I am being homeschooled for the remainder of the year, so I should have more time to write! :)

Chapter 53

I stepped into the studio with my nerves running wild. The cast list for Swan Lake was scheduled to go up smack in the middle of my partnering class, and I was a wreck. Not only had I tanked my audition two weeks before, but I also had a great deal of competition.

I wore a plain black leotard, a white wrap sweater, and nude tights of course. As I stepped into class, I noticed everyone was just as anxious as I was. Stiff smiles, deep breathing, the whole nine yards. I slipped my pointe shoes on and took my place at the barre and began to stretch, hoping it would loosen up my tense mind.

It didn't.

"Alright guys, I know everyone is bugging out about the cast list, but I still expect you all to dance to the best of your abilities. And no, I will not dismiss you early" Our instructor Leah announced, to the students dismay.

"Now, first position" She clapped and demanded, sending class into full swing. Everyone's eyes glanced at the clock every seven seconds. It was actually very dangerous you see, because when you're lifting people in the air and such, one mistake could land you a trip to the emergency room. Thankfully, it never got to that point, but the risk was enough.

After what felt likes days, but was only an hour total, Leah let us go.

A swarm of girls in tight buns and boys in tights rushed out of the room, but I stayed behind. I slowly removed my toe shoes and slipped on my keds, hearing an array of shrieks from the lobby. I stood up and slipped on a pair of grey sweatpants that bunched at the knee.

"Aren't you going to check the list?" Leah urged as I gathered my belongings.

"Oh, uh of course, j-just waiting for the crown to clear" I stuttered. Truth is, I was trying to prepare myself for not seeing my name on the list.

"It should be clear by now" She replied.

"Oh, thanks. I'll see you next week" I shot back and made my way to the lobby. A few girls were crying hysterically, some were jumping up and down, and some were just pouting. As I walked closer, I received a collection of stares, making my anxiety spike even higher.

"Congratulations Jenna" My biggest competition, Eugenia, smiled and patted me on the shoulder as I passed. I looked at her with a sense of confusion, but moments later that was all fixed.

There at the top of the list:

Swan Queen-Odette/Odile- Jenna Reid

It took all the power within me not to squeal and go off the wall. I had doubted myself to the point where I wasn't even expecting to see my name, but I did indeed. And I was the lead ballerina role. I felt a weight lift off of my shoulders, and a substantial amount of stress went with it.

The role, or roles I should say, ahead of me were heavy. Difficult choreography, mass amounts of time, and psychologically stimulating. I guess every part a person takes on toys with their mind. Television actors, movie actors, stage actors, and dancers, they all fell victim to their character.

I snapped out of my trace-like state and turned around, receiving hugs and such from the other girls. I bolted out of the studio and quickly made my way back to the apartment on foot. Spencer had been in the hospital just days before, and driving was a big no no for at least a week. I didn't know the reason for Spencer's sudden hospitalization, and it made me quite frustrated to say the least. Derek, Emily, even Garcia refused to tell me. They claimed it was 'against protocol', but that only made me more curious. My brother, well technically half-brother, was put into a situation that put his body through such distress that he landed in a paper gown, and everyone seemed to know why but me.

I somehow fiddled my keys into the lock and turned them with haste, stumbling into the short hallway of the apartment.

"Spence, I'm home!" I shouted, throwing my bag onto the floor next to the couch. I heard a collection of voices coming from the kitchen, and after my short internal panic, journeyed to check it out.

Of course, it was the team, minus Hotch. No surprise there.

"Hey Mini-Reid, we were just talkin' about you" Derek flashed his signature smile, while I just sort of stood there mortified by my appearance. The team had seen me in my dance attire before, but I also happened to be a sweaty mess. A black leotard under a light pink wrap cropped sweater, tights, and the sweats I slipped on caused me to overheat quicker than usual. It didn't help that I had stray hairs dangling from my bun, and a makeup less face.

"Oh joy" I said sarcastically and rolled my eyes.

"Why is it that you guys are always here? I mean, no offense, but I seem to see you more than my own pillow" I joked, and thankfully they found it funny too. Part of me was growing tired of constantly having the team at every turn, I felt like I was constantly under a microscope. They incessantly analyzed my facial expressions, tone of voice, body language, and not to mention food habits.

Maybe I was being paranoid, or maybe I was seeing everything exactly as it was. I found the line between the two was easily blurred.

"Just checking in on Boy Wonder, and my munchkin of course" Garcia replied behind her to-go cup of coffee. I grinned and made my way to the coffee pot, pouring myself a decent sized cup and adding four splenda's.

"Ah, I've taught you well" Emily smirked when she saw my sugar of choice. She originally turned me onto splenda actually, and at zero calories I was more than happy to utilize my new discovery.

"Any other sugar would be a crime" I shot back while hoisting myself up onto the counter between Emily and JJ.

The room went silent. I looked up from my mug out of awkwardness, and noticed all eyes were on me. I darted my sight from agent to agent, hoping at least one of them was as clueless as I, but had no such luck.

"What?" I asked innocently.

"What do you mean what? Swan Lake! How did it go?!" Garcia half-shouted.

"Oh! Oh, yeah that" I responded with each pair of eyes still on me.

"I got the Swan Queen" I said casually, trying not to sound too pompous.

A group "What!" ensued of course, causing me to chuckle slightly.

"Jenna, that's amazing!" Emily gushed.

"First Fantine, now this? I've gotta hand it to you Jenna, you're abilities aren't seen every day" Rossi cut in.

Garcia just sort of ran at me with small squeals and pulled me into a tight bear hug.

"PG try not to crush the girl, she actually needs her body to dance" JJ laughed.

"Wow Jenna, I'm really proud of you. That's not an easy part to dance from what I'm familiar with" Spencer spoke up from the kitchen table.

"Damn Mini-Reid, exactly how many talents do you have hidden in that tiny little body of yours?" Derek concluded. I gave my usual giggle, but really all I could think about was how this body of mine was not tiny by any means, but swollen and plump.

I didn't respond to anyone, just smiled, laughed, and nodded my head.

"Hey, how about we go out for some celebratory pizza? Bill's on me" Derek offered, and my internal panic immediately ensued.

"Oh, no, really we don't have to. It's just a part" I pleaded.

"Nah, I insist. Everyone in?" He shook off my protest, and an array of 'yes's' followed. Before I had time to open my mouth, I was being led out the door by the crowd. I didn't even get the chance to change.

We arrived at the small pizzeria around the corner from the apartment and pushed two tables together. Everyone sat down and began to chat, while my head was running rapid.

It's okay Jenna, it's just a slice of pizza. No one ever died from a slice of pizza. Don't freak yourself out, it'll all be fine. Oh who are you kidding, don't ingest that garbage. You may as well just glue it to your ass 'cause that's exactly where it's going.

My mind was being especially cruel. I tried deep breaths, leg tapping, anything to make the anxiety go away, but nothing worked.

Derek arrived moments later with two large pies, and dumped a huge slice on my plate.

Conversation was buzzing around me, but all I could focus on was the horror in front of me. I examined the plate before me, gazing at the obscene amount of grease and cheese that was falling off of the sauce covered dough. I felt my heart rate speed up as I picked up the steaming slice. I felt my stomach churn at the scent of it. I suddenly took an oversized bite out of it and chewed rapidly, taking in the collision of tastes.

One bite. One bite and I couldn't stop.

I practically inhaled the remaining bits, and then moved onto another. I finished two slices in under five minutes.

"Damn Mini-Reid, I don't think I've ever seen you eat that much in the entire time I've known you" Derek laughed, but I didn't find it funny. It set in what I had done. The calories I consumed, the fat, the grease. The temporary satisfaction I had gotten from the flavor combination had dwindled, and all that was left was a rock in the pit of my stomach and a surplus of guilt.

I laughed at Derek's comment, but I could tell Spencer and Emily knew how uncomfortable I was. They were the only two on the team that knew about my 'issue', to my knowledge at least.

"Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom" I stated and shot out of my seat and directly to the bathroom. I slammed the door behind me and began rubbing my temples and whispering gibberish. I felt my eyes water, and I gazed at my appearance in the mirror.

"God dammit Jenna. You're so stupid. Why the hell did you do that? Pig" I rambled. After taking a good hard look at myself, I knew what I had to do.

I got down on my knees, rather disgusted by the condition of the grimy washroom. I took a deep breath, and swiftly slid four fingers down my throat. Three pokes, two gags, and a cough later, up came half-digested pizza. I continued to jab the back of my throat and heave my lunch into the disgusting toilet until all that came up was stomach acid and blood. After I finished, I took another look at myself.

Puffy face, bloodshot eyes, a small spray of vomit on my left cheek. I was even uglier than before.

My knuckles were red and irritated, indented with the outline of my teeth.

And although I had put myself through such a draining last resort, I still didn't feel any better. I was still mentally ill, fat Jenna. Nothing had changed but the feeling in my stomach.

Whoever said eating disorders were glamorous was sorely mistaken.