A/N: Something light to jumpstart my return to normalcy. A Sheldon/Penny Tome.

Yes, I've finished the others. Just waiting on my pseudoBeta to respond. I guess she's got a life of her own.

Pasadena

April 5, 2013

Dear Diary:

We are at war! I'm so sick of his crap! He tried to banish me from the apartment just because I questioned his choice of movies. It was my turn, damn it, but I was 6 whole minutes late and so he picked one 'in absentia', whatever the hell that means.

It was my turn! I guess I shouldn't have told him to 'go have coitus with a cactus' but he really pissed me off! I took my food and left. Screw him and the horse he rode in on!

He just stood there and looked at me with those cold beautiful eyes and then started to lecture me about the 'Visitation Agreement' he made me sign after Leonard moved back to New Jersey because his mother had some medical problems and she guilted him into it.

He's impossible to deal with and so…and so I have to totally dominate him and bend him to my will if only to have the WiFi password. The Mantis Man changed it and now I can't watch reruns of my favorite shows on streaming video. He's done it this time.

I shall send him a Declaration of War just like Age of Conan when alliances clash.

He's gonna beg me to come back. You'll see. Sheldon Cooper will bend to the will of Queen P!

She wrote her 'Declaration of Hostilities' in elegant calligraphy and indicated that the 'Prank War of All Prank Wars' would commence at noon on Saturday.

Penny carefully folded and addressed the vellum envelope to 'Conan the Conquered' knowing it would piss him off and she wanted him pissed just as she was.

Sheldon trudged up the stairs to his apartment, his empty apartment. He never should have imposed such Draconian measures on Penny but he'd simply redrafted an earlier version of the Visitation Agreement that was designed to limit his exposure to Leonard's squeeze-of-the-day, Priya Koothrappali. He overlooked a few provisions but his damned vanity and need for adherence to contract made him impose the stiffest penalty on Penny.

'I should offer her a waiver of the clauses on page 5 provided she adheres to the remainder. I suppose if I wrap it in a perceived apology she will jump at the opportunity to regain WiFi and the benefits of the Apartment.'

He would never admit that he missed her. He probably didn't even recognize the nagging feeling that had haunted him all the way up the stairs that he had screwed up big-time.

As his mother's psychologist had told her when she had him 'tested', he was incredibly shy and his 'arrogance of purpose' was a shield to protect the shy little boy that was Sheldon Cooper.

Rather than try to help him, his mother had simply breathed a sigh of relief that he wasn't a potential serial killer and suggested he skip high school and go straight to the university.

It was the right thing to do for anyone except the shy boy who wanted only to be accepted as one of any group.

Sheldon noticed the pale envelope stuck under the door and bent down and picked it up. He ripped the flap open and read the enclosed document and smiled an evil smile that most people would run from.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK "Penny"…

The door flew open and the first of the next triplet of knocks hit her in the forehead.

"Ow! Sheldon, what the hell?" She stepped back and went to find ice.

"Sorry, Penny, but you should know better than to interrupt my – "

"Okay, okay…I get it…it's my fault you knocked me in the head with your knuckles. What do you want, Sheldon?"

"This Prank War…we need to establish boundaries."

"No, Sheldon. This whole thing is because of your damned boundaries and rules and contracts and stupid idiotic clauses and codicils and paragraphs. No. It's WAR, Sheldon Cooper, and there are no rules except one."

She was shaking her fist in his face and he shrank back knowing that she could easily lose her temper and strike him in the face or throat.

"And what, pray thee tell me, is the one rule?"

"Victory! And no prisoners."

"That's two, Penny. You said only – gack!" He stepped back, holding his throat and coughing. She really hadn't meant to hit him but he wouldn't shut up.

"G-game on, P-Penny…no holds barred." He massaged his throat.

"Bring it on, Brainiac. I've already struck. A preemptive strike."

"But it clearly states in your Declaration of War that it doesn't begin until noon on Saturday." He whined worse than Leonard sometimes.

"I lied." The smug look on her face irked him. Granted, the pose she struck was vaguely titillating and he knew this vision would fuel his Friday Night self-abuse sessions for weeks but still…

"Fine. No rules of engagement, no boundaries, no limits. You shall rue the day, Penelope, that you struck such a foul blow!"

"Never give up! Never surrender! That's my motto, Shel-punk."

He twitched at the Galaxy Quest reference and resolved to make her pay. She smiled at him, knowing the reference would bug the hell out of him.

He turned to leave but she wasn't finished yet. Oh, no. The first strike was both emotional and psychological.

"Sheldon, I put a pair of my panties somewhere in your apartment. I wore them all day yesterday and all night and I had such a hot and wet sex dream that…"

"No! No you didn't! Oh, how foul and disgusting you are!"

The final blow: "Just be careful what you eat, Moon Pie…or touch…or sit on…" Her maniacal laughter followed him out into the common area between the apartments. He walked over and started to unlock the door when he noticed a slight gleam to the normally flat matte finish on the handle.

…or touch… she'd said.

He fumbled around in his messenger bag and removed a pair of latex gloves and carefully unlocked the door, glancing over his shoulder to see if she was watching through the peephole he'd insisted on installing in her door – for her safety.

He heard her obscene giggle and hurried into the apartment and slammed the door.

Penny leaned her forehead on the door and laughed. There was no preemptive strike and certainly no soiled panties hidden somewhere in his apartment. Once again she marveled at the power of suggestion.

Score!

Queen P 1

Sheldor the Conquered 0

Sheldon spent hours searching through his apartment for the disgusting garment that she'd hidden without any luck. It wasn't until well past midnight that he'd realized that it wasn't there and never had been.

'Well played, Queen of Pus! Let's see how you like a real strike!'

She'd ruined his REM cycles and she was happy. Penny showered and then crawled into bed, and dreamed of a parade in her capitol city of Penelopolis in Age of Conan. She rode in splendor in her chariot, barely clothed in her armor, through the cheering and adoring crowds. The best part of the dream was that a defeated and naked Sheldor the Conquered was pulling the chariot.

He used the emergency key to gain access to her apartment. Armed with Saran Wrap and a few other items and malicious intent, he performed his task in absolute silence and darkness and slipped out of Penny's apartment without being seen or heard.

'Considering the lewd nature of her dream and her moans and gasps, I doubt she would have heard a marching band practicing their halftime show in her cluttered living room.'

Slipping back into his own apartment, he showered and washed off the camouflage paint he'd covered his face, neck and hands with and then donned his Friday night ensemble and slept the sleep of the righteous.

Her alarm went off at 8am and she groaned and tossed and turned but finally got up. She had to be at work by 10am and needed to get ready.

She shucked off her sleep shorts and t-shirt and then plopped down on the commode to do her morning business.

"DAMN YOU, SHELDON COOPER!" He had somehow slipped in and covered the toilet bowl with plastic wrap and when Penny let fly…

She took a shower and got clean and started shampooing her hair when she realized…

"DAMN YOU, SHELDON!" He had replaced the contents of her shampoo with vegetable oil!

It took her just a few moments to get her spare shampoo from the vanity and wash the oil from her hair. She carefully sniffed at the conditioner but detected nothing unusual but still…

She brushed and brushed her hair but the more she brushed the wilder it got. Frustrated, she pulled her hair into two frizzy buns and got dressed and drove to work.

'Enjoy your victory, Sheldon, because it's the last one you'll ever have!'

She used the time driving to work to plan her retaliatory strike. His routines and OCD would prove his undoing. Laughing maniacally, she went to work, slipped into the storeroom and purloined those items she'd need for her revenge.