Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Every song lyric in this chapter belongs to Evanescence

I would like to thank the wonderful angelnlove52 for beta-ing this chapter and the rest of the story for me and for agreeing to help me rewrite this story and correct all my errors. For making sure the excessive use of the word 'that' is deleted LOL!. She is just amazing!

oOoOoO

Say it's over, yes it's over

But I need you anyway

Say you love me

But it's not enough

Not that I'm so different

Not that I don't see the dying light of what we used to be…

…And I'm a liar by your side

I'm about to lose my mind

(The Change – Evanescence)

oOoOoO

Preface – Walking away from you

13 September 2001…

I stared blankely out of the window of our hotel room. We have this magnificent view, but I couldn't care less today.

I was just so tired these days…drained seemed more fitting.

I missed Forks. I missed the rain. I missed the green, wet forests. I missed La Push.

I missed my Dad….

The black sky filled with oranges, reds, and yellows as the sun started making its way to the sky. The colors mixed beautifully and then started blurring, and it was only now that I've realized I've been shedding tears. I didn't even bother wiping them from my cheeks as more kept rolling down. I sniffled a little and wrapped my arms around my knees, hugging them tightly to my torso.

"Baby what are you doing up?" his velvety voice broke me out of the depression-spell I was in. I woke up feeling a little depressed and I truly felt like shit…like this world's problems were resting on my shoulders alone.

I didn't turn around to face him nor answer him. I just kept staring at the beauty of the sun.

I gasped when his arms came around my body and held me to him. My heart started pounding in my chest and my breath hitched a little. He always had this impact on me…his scent, his touch, his warmth …everything about him turned the atmosphere around me into bolts of electricity. My girly bits ached for his touch and just about screamed out his name.

"Happy birthday my sweet, sweet Bella," he whispered into my ear before his tongue flicked out and started caressing my earlobe. Breathing frantically, I leaned back against him and closed my eyes with a sigh. I was powerless in his arms. His warm mouth trailed hot, wet kisses down the back of my neck as his hands unlocked my arms from my legs.

"Do you like that baby?" he whispered into my ear. His breath hot and husky on my skin.

"Yes," I all but choked out.

I swallowed hard as his lips came around and started kissing my throat. He chuckled as he came around to face me and gently laid me back on the futon I was sitting on. He hovered above me before he finally claimed my aching lips. He kept the kiss very chaste for a couple of seconds, but then I felt his warm tongue licking my bottom lip in the most erotic way. My lips opened on their own accord as he slowly and erotically pushed his tongue into my mouth where my tongue pushed forward and met him halfway, allowing our tongues to dance a wild and very hot tango. Gracing each other slowly and then turning furiously as they rolled around each other, causing our lips to move together in perfect unison.

He opened his gorgeous eyes and stared at my face for the first time since he woke up. His eyes turned from dark to light as the lust left them instantly. He frowned as his hand left my body, leaving it cold and aching. His hand came up to my face and wiped a tear away, which I hadn't realized were still there.

"Why are you crying? And why are you up at this hour, Love?" he asked with a voice full of concern. I almost sobbed with the tenderness in his touch and voice but choked back the sob.

"Can we please not talk about it now…I need you," I whispered hoarsely while taking his hand and guiding it back to my body. He didn't move his hand like I was hoping he would. Instead, he started pulling back, but I grabbed him by the shoulders and started breathing hard.

"Please, please, please," I pleaded softly and kissed him again. His hands came around my wrists and tried to push me away, but I started bawling loudly.

"Please make love to me," I sobbed while desperately holding onto him. "Please, I need you so much. I need to feel your love, please," I begged him. Even though we've made love a couple hours ago, I needed him now more than ever. I felt the resistance leave his body as he started kissing my pleading lips again. I slowly laid down again, pulling him with me.

He looked into my eyes with confusion. "I need you inside of me, I need you to make love to me and pour all of your love into me," I whispered. He was still staring at me…I knew I was being different and I knew he knew something was wrong with me, but for now…maybe for the last time…I didn't care about anything else. I wanted the man I love to make love to me.

"Bella…" he started saying, but I placed a finger over his mouth.

"Don't speak...I love you…just…just love me," I whispered.

"I do love you, my Bella, so much," he whispered against my swollen lips before he kissed me again and moved his one hand to my hip, pressing me down. He started moving so slowly and so gently that I could feel all his love radiating through me. Tears rolled down the sides of my head as he made love to me with all the passion he was capable off. He never moved faster or rushed anything…as if he knew it would be our last time…as if he knew I was going to lose him.

His lips met my trembling lips and kissed me with every ounce of love he had in him. I slowly opened my eyes and watched in awe as a single teardrop rolled down his cheek and dropped onto mine, mixing our tears on my cheek. We stared into each other's eyes as we came together; screaming out each other's names.

We lay on the futon in each other's arms for a few minutes, catching our breath, just feeling the aftermath of our lovemaking. I tried to go over every detail again and tattoo it onto my heart for the future.

"I'll run a bath for us," he interrupted my thoughts before he kissed me again. I moaned, feeling my body heat up again by his kiss. I could never seem to get enough of this man. I just want to bury myself in his arms….

He returned, picked me up bridal-style, and walked back into the bathroom, gently putting me in the bath. Once I was submerged, he climbed in behind me, pulled me down to lie on his chest, causing me to sigh in contentment.

"Bella…" he sounded so unsure but I waited patiently for him to continue, "What's wrong? I don't understand all these mixed emotions that you've been having the last couple of days and quite frankly, baby, it's scaring the shit out of me. Please, help me understand so I can help you," he pleaded. The love and desperation in his voice brought a new set of tears to my eyes and broke my heart into a million pieces.

"I can't do this anymore," I said with a shaky voice. I was trying to hold back the tears, and hold myself together as I felt myself falling apart.

"Can't do what? Us? The band? What?" he asked with fear. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath as I knew I was about to destroy the man I loved due to my own selfish needs.

"Everything. It's been three years since we left Forks and dropped out of school to fulfill your dreams. You've started the band and I supported you every step of the way, but I can't do this anymore," I whispered.

"Baby, I'm…confused," he sounded confused and scared, and it broke me just a little more.

The water was turning cold, but neither of us made a move to get out of the water. I was still lying with my back on his chest where I could feel his breathing and heartbeat. His heart pounded hard against his chest and his breathing was fast and ragged. I knew the feeling…fear of losing the person you love…I felt it now, too.

"Are you ever going to marry me, Edward?" I asked and hugged my knees to my naked chest. I heard him gasp and I closed my eyes.

My head snapped up when I heard him laughing.

"You're joking, right?" he still laughed.

"No, I'm not. I'm dead-serious."

"You know how I feel about that," he hissed before climbing out of the bath.

"We're not your parents Edward-"

"I don't give a shit, Bella…I told you when we started dating that I'm never getting married." After wrapping himself in a towel, he held one out for me; I stood up to let him wrap the towel around my cold body. We went to our room and he started getting dressed. I just sat on the bed with the towel still wrapped around my body.

"You were fine with the idea when we were kids, what changed?" he sounded mad.

"We don't have a life anymore…it's been concert after concert for the past year and now you're planning a tour…I hardly see you anymore, and I'm sick of living in hotel rooms. I want a life with you, I want children and a house with a white picket fence, I want to get married and at least see my husband once in a while…."

"Marriage won't change our lifestyle. The band will always be there and the concerts as well," he interrupted me. He sounded exasperated and scared at the same time.

"I hate that the entire female population is hanging on you and your body every opportunity they get. I hate that I have to share you with every other women out there. They get to see you more than I do and it's really been bugging me. I miss you," I whispered but he kept his back to me and stared out of the window.

"Jealousy doesn't suit you," he said, running his fingers through his messed up hair.

"I'm not…" I started yelling, but sighed instead. "I'm not jealous, I'm just…I'm just stating the facts," I sighed.

He stood with his back to me, facing the windows I was sitting at this morning. He didn't say anything and I sighed.

"Aren't you going to say anything?" I asked him with a sigh.

His muscles tensed before he slowly turned around. His eyes were so dull and sad, if my heart wasn't already torn into pieces, it would have been now. But, still, his eyes left their mark on my heart.

"Honestly, I don't know what to say, Bella. I can't fix this, I don't know how, and I don't know what the hell you want from me," he yelled in defeat.

"You can leave the band and you can ask me to marry you," I said. His head snapped up so fast I thought he was going to lose it.

"I'm not going to marry you just to make you happy…I'm sorry, but I can't do that…," he said with finality, I knew there was no changing his mind. "Plus, now, marriage is just not enough, you want me to give up my band, my dreams, my career because you don't like the female fans and the road trips?" he asked astounded. He shrugged and shook his head.

"What the fuck happened to you? You were fine a week ago-"

"That's where you're wrong," I yelled, "I haven't been fine for a while now, Edward. And that's just the damn problem," I started crying hysterically, "you've been so busy that you haven't even noticed that I'm falling apart and that you've been losing me for a while now."

"I've been losing you? Are you serious?" he gasped.

"We've been growing apart."

"That's just bullshit." He threw his hands in the air. "You're running around in circles here. What is this entire situation about?"

"I want you to choose me. For once, I want you to choose me instead of the band," I sobbed out.

He rushed to my side and pulled me into his arms. My safe-haven. How could I leave him behind? How could I live without him? He was everything to me…everything!

He's everything to you, but you've been unhappy for the last year! The voice in my head argued with my heart. I wanted to shut the voice up, but I knew it was right…I've been constantly unhappy the last year and I have to do this for me. I have to start doing something for me for a change and not for him, or the band. No matter how much I love him…I can't live like this anymore. This wasn't even a life…I was slowly killing myself.

"Bella," he whispered while cupping my face between his warm and tender hands. Tears filled his beautiful eyes and it was at this moment that I knew I've lost. "It has always been you, don't you see. You are everything to me."

"I'm not enough for you to marry me-"

"Again with the marriage-shit…I'm never getting married," he almost yelled.

"I don't understand," I sighed.

"This is who I am, I don't know how to be a different man and I don't know what else to be. This is the career path I've chosen and you knew this before we left Forks. I'm a musician; this is how I make a living for myself and for you. I just…I don't know what to be and if I'll ever be the right kind of man for you." He shook his head with a sigh. "I've always thought that you were the one, my only one. I don't need to marry you to prove that, Bella. I love you more than my life. I'm sorry, but I can't get married," he whispered.

Tears rolled down my cheeks as my heart shattered – like glass - into a million pieces.

"And, I can't choose between you and my band…I want both," he sighed and stood up, walking away from my shivering body. I felt my chin trembling to keep the sobs from escaping my mouth.

"I'm never getting married…I've talked to you about this since we were little kids and you knew this. I just…can't," he said, sticking his hands in his pockets.

The sob - I've been trying to keep in – escaped, and he slowly turned around to face me again. When I looked up and met his eyes, I gasped. His cheeks were stained with tears and his beautiful eyes kept filling with more. It broke my heart to see him like this, but I knew we were only going to hurt each other if I stayed. I wasn't happy anymore and it wasn't fair - to Edward - to stay and be miserable. It would have brought him down and I would rather die than to be the cause of his downfall.

At that moment, his phone started ringing and I sighed because I knew that he was going to leave in about ten minutes.

"What?...No, it's fine…I'm not doing anything today…no, not anymore…I'll meet you downstairs," he said. He sniffled a little after he hung up and gave me his famous, panty-soaking crooked grin, which never reached his eyes, though.

"I have to go to the stage, something came up with the sound or some shit. I need to sort that out before the concert tonight," he explained.

"I understand," I said, but couldn't keep the annoyance from my face.

"I want you to think about this, Bella, because to me it sounds a bit fucked-up right now," he sighed. "The way you're throwing these ultimatums in my face and expecting me to leave my career behind is a bit selfish, not to mention the marriage-part. I don't know what the fuck happened to you." He raked his fingers through his hair. "But I can't deal with this right now. I have a concert in less than seven hours, I have a sound check to get to and I have to get ready."

"Selfish, huh? Yeah, I can see how you would think that." I broke eye contact, crossing my arms in front of my chest, feeling completely alone at this moment, "Go do your sound check and everything else you need to do for your big concert."

"I love you so much it hurts to breathe," he whispered in between kisses. He rubbed my cheeks as tears spilled from my eyes. "I wish I could be different and believe that all marriages are happily ever after's, but I just don't believe in that. I love our life the way it is, and I don't think putting a ring on your finger will take our relationship a step higher…this is our life, baby. Why can't you be happy with just me, Edward Cullen? Why do I have to be your husband?" he asked.

"I need…I need more," I whispered and he shook his head in confusion. I was not even making sense to myself, so I couldn't really blamed him for feeling confused. His lips brushed against mine again.

"I can't give you more," he whispered softly, running his fingers up and down my arms. "I'm sorry, but I can't be the man that you want me to be. This is all I'll ever be." He smiled sadly. "I won't be the cause of your unhappiness."

"Then don't… Let's leave everything and start over somewhere else-"

"Have you not heard a word I've said? I can't get married and I'm not leaving my band…and children? I don't know if I'm ready for that, or if I'll ever be ready. That's a big fucking step right there."

I swallowed the tears away and looked away from his scorching eyes.

The pain in my chest was unbearable and excruciating.

"I have to go," he announced before giving me a quick kiss. "Can we talk about this when I get back from the sound check?" he asked.

"Edward, have you not listened to me? I'm not happy anymore."

"I have heard, but what do you want me to do about it? You've picked a shitty day to deal with this-"

"I'm always an inconvenience…that's going to change though," I interrupted him.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Just go," I answered.

"Bella," he whispered before he reached for the doorknob. "I don't know what's happening inside your heart, but I'm begging you to wait for me so we can talk this through…" his voice was raspy. "See you later, baby," he whispered, but didn't sound convinced. He opened the door and before I could say anything else, the door closed behind him…

I fell to my knees as soon as the door closed behind him and cried my heart out. I've lost….

How could he have said that he loved me? How could he have said that I was everything to him?

I wrote a quick note to him before I got dressed and started packing my stuff.

With my suitcase in my one hand and the other holding the doorknob, I gave one last look around the room. It felt as if something pierced through my heart and the pain was unbearable as blood gushed out. Tears pooled in my eyes again as the reality of my decision sunk in.

Love wasn't everything…I've learned that the hard way.

I pulled the door closed with a shivering sigh and walked away from the room, and away from Edward Cullen's life….

Don't wanna be the one to walk away

but I can't bear the thought of one more day

I think I finally understand what it means to be lost

(Oceans – Evanescence)

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