So, I struggled quite a bit with this chapter, but apparently, I got the emotions spot on, so I guess I stressed over this chapter for nothing! :P It's an extra long chapter for you guys to enjoy, so I hope you like it! Thanks to my lovely sister and beta, DragonGirl323, (seriously, if you haven't checked her Fanfiction page yet, go check it out!) she's checked through my chapter to make sure that the emotions were all there. So, now that I've got everything in order, here is the chapter. Without further ado, please READ AND REVIEW!

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Disclaimer = I don't own anything Twilight! Or anything in bold in this chapter!

Chapter 22
A Disturbing Realization

Bella's Point of View

Esme drove to Sully's and parked the car, getting out without a word and expecting me to follow her. I had trouble understanding her motivation, which made me freeze in my seat, just watching as she held her door open, looking at me with a soft smile. Esme chuckled slightly as I remained frozen in my seat, just trying to understand all of this. My brain was going a million miles an hour, trying to put the pieces together, and it was obvious that she was noticing this.

"What's the matter, Bella? Aren't you hungry? It's getting close to lunch time," Esme said, still holding the driver's door open while looking at me.

It was true that the meeting with the principal did take a while and it was getting close to lunch, but why in the world wasn't I getting punished? Esme never tolerated violence, so why wasn't I getting in trouble right now? It almost felt like she was rewarding me… What was going on here? I didn't peg her to be the type of person who simply let things go, but this seemed very much out of character for her. It made me wonder what she was actually thinking. Should I just follow along as if nothing was wrong and eventually see what her intentions are, or should I just flat out say something about this?

This was quite the difficult situation…

Eventually, I made my way out of the car and followed her inside the little family-style restaurant, allowing Esme to walk in front of me. Given the time of day, it didn't surprise me to find the place practically deserted. There was only one couple who was sitting in the corner of the restaurant, enjoying a milkshake together. It wasn't exactly lunch time, meaning that kids were still in class and couldn't use their half hour to come get a burger, and all the adults were still at work. So, we basically had the restaurant to ourselves, the place being silent enough that people could hear our conversation. Great…

Esme turned to me and smiled, making my stomach knot once more at her kindness. It's almost as if she hadn't just been called to pick me up from school for fighting.

"What would you like, dear?" she asked, making me look at the menu momentarily and choose a chicken burger. Esme nodded and looked at the table in the other corner of the room, away from the couple enjoying their two-strawed milkshake. "Alright, you make yourself comfortable and I'll order our food," she said before going up to the counter to order.

It took me a few moments before finally making my way to the table, hands starting to sweat. Watching Esme order the food, my mind returned to contemplating various scenarios. I'd never pictured Esme as someone who could act viciously,—honestly, she's the kindest woman I've ever known—but what was she playing at? Why wasn't I being grounded? Why wasn't I being judged? If it were any one of her children, she would bring them straight home and punish them for acting out. But I wasn't one of her children, at least not directly speaking. So what was going on? Why were we here and not at the house? Why was she going easy…on me…

Oh, you've got to be kidding me! I thought to myself as the pieces of the puzzle finally fell into place.

Esme was letting this go because of the James thing. Because of what I'd gone through. She felt sorry for me, just like everyone else!

No, maybe I was just jumping to conclusions, so obviously, I couldn't simply assume that this was her reasoning, but what else could it be? Why else would we be at Sully's about to enjoy a good burger instead of at the Cullen house, a place where she could lash out at me for fighting and punish me, just like she would her children? Nothing else explained the reason why I wasn't getting in trouble. But in order to get a straight answer, I had to find a way to incorporate this into the conversation.

Esme came back to the table, tray in hand, and sat down across from me, smiling at me. "Here you are, sweetie," she said, handing me my food with that sweet smile of hers.

Unfortunately, I couldn't smile back at her, knowing that she was possibly acting this way because she was pitying me. Like I needed more people to feel sorry for me…

Esme started moving her fries around in her basket, looking down at it momentarily before looking back up at me. "So, what did the principal say?" she asked, slowly giving me my opening to address the subject.

Shrugging, I looked down at my food and poked my burger gently. "Suspended for three days and have to do some cleaning after school."

Looking up at Esme, she nodded slowly and picked up a fry, eating it before speaking again, smiling softly at me. "And what happened exactly?" she asked, finally getting into the root of the matter. If she wanted to discuss this matter, why not just do it at the house? Why did we need to be somewhere public?

My hands started fidgeting, wondering if I should reveal the entire story to her. I mean, one of the Cullens was going to tell her eventually, so why delay the inevitable?

Looking down at my burger, I played with the edge of my food basket and said, "Tanya pushed my buttons and I punched her. Simple as that."

But Esme didn't seem to buy this. "And?" she asked, taking a bite of her burger and covering her mouth while she chewed. Looking up at her, she swallowed and continued. "I know you, Bella. You wouldn't have simply hit her because you felt like it. What really made you do this?"

Ah, so she wanted me to open up to her, as if she was my shrink or my mother and I was her child. But that was far from the case… I lost the right to have her as my mother when James entered my life. I lost the right to open up to anyone that day.

Esme obviously saw my hesitation and her voice became soothing, comforting. "You can talk to me, Bella," she said, reaching over and squeezing my fidgeting hand gently. "I'm not here to judge you."

Squeezing my eyes shut, I started to recall all of the instances where the Cullens shunned me while I was under James' control. How they all judged me for my actions, as if I had become a stranger to them.

"Why are you doing this?" I asked, my voice becoming strained already. Well, that didn't take long…

Esme narrowed her eyes, still holding my hand, but I could tell that I hit the subject on its head. "What do you mean, Bella? I'm just trying to understand why my daughter would do something like this."

There was that word…daughter. As if I was like Alice and Rosalie. But I wasn't, far from it actually. When hearing the word 'daughter', we were no longer in Sully's burger place. We were back at the Cullen house, Esme sitting before me at the kitchen table. But Esme suddenly started changing before me. Her skin paled, eyes slowly losing their colour as blood started staining her clothes. Even the hand that was holding onto mine was covered in blood, staining my own. This made me return to the point in time where I got Esme shot, where everything was falling apart at the seams. Alice's words began replaying in my mind, making me lose touch with reality right there in the restaurant.

"She cared about you more than anyone! And you're letting her die!" Alice had said in the Cullen living room so many months ago, as I let Esme die on the floor…all because of my stupid mistake.

Esme's eyes softened and she squeezed my hand gently. "Bella? Are you all right?" she asked, the sound of a gunshot being heard right after, which forced me to blink once not only in response, but out of shock.

In the blink of an eye, we were back at Sully's, our untouched burgers in front of us and Esme was as alive as ever. I pulled my hand out of her hold and checked for any remnants of blood, but my hand was clean. A gun hadn't gone off, it was only my imagination playing tricks on me. Things were normal again, at least for now. But my mind obviously wasn't.

I was losing it far more than I realized…

I noticed that Esme was looking at me worriedly, as if I was a basket case and she didn't know how to react. Clearing my throat, I placed my hand back down on the table and looked down at my food, noticing that my hand had started to tremble. Hoping that Esme hadn't caught on to that, I put my hand down and placed it between my legs, hoping that the confinement would stop them from shaking.

"Sorry…spaced out for a second," I said, hoping that my lame excuse would be good enough for her to change the subject.

Esme didn't push any further and leaned back in her seat, looking at me curiously. "Bella, I can tell that something is bothering you deep down, much more than what happened in school today. And I want to help you. Won't you please talk to me?" she asked, her voice softening, almost making me want to let her in, like she wanted to experience my pain so that she could help me further.

My mind went back to that argument we had in the kitchen, where I had nearly stabbed her with a pencil. She had tried to get me to open up, to be frank with her about everything that was going on, but I couldn't then. And I still can't seem to let myself open up to her now. No matter what the shrink said, there was always that fear that they would go back to their old ways, that they would shun me again.

When I remained silent, Esme sighed and leaned back in her chair, moving her hand toward her food. "Bella, if you won't talk to me, I can only assume the worst, that you actually wanted to hurt Tanya," she said, looking up at me in the end. But when our eyes met, I looked down at my food. "And I know that it's not what you wanted to do."

"Actually, I did," I admitted, the words coming out before I could even stop them.

That made Esme stop in her tracks, since she didn't say a word for quite some time. "And…why did you want to do that?" she asked hesitantly, almost like she didn't want to hear what I was going to say.

Should I admit it? I mean, I had already done so with the principal, stating more of the truth than what was necessary, but this was Esme. She was supposed to be the one I could come to when things went wrong, a mother figure, but wouldn't she see me differently if I admitted my true intentions to her? Would she shun me like they did all those months ago? Should I run the risk of being hurt that way again?

My heart told me that I shouldn't, but my mind went back to the last therapy session that I attended nearly two weeks ago. In fact, it had only been my second session at that point and issues with school had unfortunately gotten in the way since then, so I hadn't had a chance to go back. But he had told me that I needed to begin opening up to those closest to me if I wanted to get better. It didn't need to happen all at once, but at a gradual pace.

I had started to do that with Edward and look where that led me… Would Esme do the same? If I opened up to her, what would happen then?

I guess there's only one way to find out… I thought before taking a deep breath and gathering up what little courage was left in my body.

"Bella, please—"

"That girl has been bullying me for years," I started, cutting Esme off. "Even before Charlie started beating me, I was getting verbal abuse from her. I didn't say anything at the time, thinking that it would just eventually stop. But it only got worse when Charlie started hitting me because she could use my bruises and cuts against me, saying that I did them myself to get attention. Then I meet you guys and just when I think that it's all gonna stop, that she won't be able to hurt me anymore, she calls in James… And I live through the worst kind of Hell because of her." My hands started to bunch into fists, the memories all coming back to my mind like a movie on fast forward.

"I thought that she would have had the common sense to leave me alone, to feel some sort of guilt for what she did to me… But she just couldn't let it go. She wanted to break me, and she did." Looking up at Esme, there was a fierceness in my eyes that could not be shaken. "When she pushed my buttons, when she showed me that video of Edward making out with her, as if I never existed and he didn't love me, I snapped and struck out. And you know what? It felt good to put her through some sort of pain, to sort of experience what I went through with James. Breaking her plastic face and hearing that crunch… The pain she inflicted on me might have just been verbal, but it hurts just as much on the outside as it does on the inside. I just wanted her to know what it felt like."

Once I finished, I took a deep breath and it all hit me at once. The disturbing and traumatic realization was all out in the open now. I'd just admitted that I had enjoyed hurting someone else, even if it had been without thinking. I mean, I'd made that realization in the nurse's office, but I hadn't exactly voiced it. Now that I had, the reality that I might be turning into someone dark and cruel crossed my mind, and it rocked me to my core. That was how things started spiraling downward. This is how people ended up in jail or worse. One small terrible but enjoyable action was all it took to make them want to act out again, to keep going, to do more horrible things to others. Was that what was happening to me? Was I losing myself and turning into someone else, someone who was capable of such evil things? Would I end up like James, who enjoyed killing all of those women and didn't give them another thought?

Just that thought brought a chill down my spine… I suddenly felt eyes on me, judging my every move. It felt as if darkness was closing in around me, my body turning cold to the touch. I was staring in front of me, my eyes looking in Esme's direction, but not quite seeing her. It was like I was looking through her, completely detached from what was happening around me. And frankly, I'm not sure I wanted to look at her. I don't think I could handle seeing the look of horror in her eyes, knowing that someone she harboured was slowly turning into a monster.

Just as the darkness started closing in around me, I began hearing Alice's voice, telling me I didn't know the meaning of the word 'sister', followed by Edward telling me that his only regret was loving me. They started to mesh together, making me place my hands to my temples, hoping that the voices would go away. But they only increased tenfold.

Suddenly, I couldn't take it anymore. I got out of my seat and bolted for the door, faintly hearing Esme call out my name behind me, but I couldn't stop. Those voices still resonated within my skull, forcing me to relive that pain over and over again. I started walking toward the 'Welcome to Forks' sign, hoping to get away from civilization. But just as I thought I was escaping, I heard Esme call out my name, hoping to get me to stop, but fear started to grip me, making me completely lose any sense of where I was.

Why would she want to talk to a monster? That's what I had become. I just hadn't realized it before now.

"Bella, stop!" Esme said just as we passed the old train by the entrance of the town, which only stood as a decorative piece now for townspeople to gaze and take pictures of. Suddenly, my foot snagged on a rock, propelling me forward into the grass. The pain made my chest ache again, but I didn't care at this point. The force of that realization was the only pain I felt right now. "Bella! Are you all right?!" she asked while kneeling beside me, placing a hand on my back as I clutched the grass underneath me.

"Why are you all doing this?!" I asked, my voice raising as I slowly lifted myself up, kneeling down on the dirty grass and moving back just enough so she wouldn't have to be near me, so that she wouldn't have to touch me.

Esme kept looking at me with those gentle eyes, almost melancholic about the whole situation. "What do you mean, Bella? Doing what?" she asked, her voice remaining just as calm, which just made me lose control even more.

"Helping me! Doing all of this! Pretending as if I haven't turned into a monster!"

"Bella, you are not—"

"Esme, I just told you that I enjoyed hurting Tanya!" I said while shakily standing up, my healing leg bent slightly to avoid injuring it again. Looking down at her, I felt myself becoming unraveled, like I could break at any moment. "I hit her and I liked it! I liked hearing that crunch when my fist connected with her face! Don't you get it?! I am turning into a monster and you're all acting as if I'm still the old me! That I'm still a sister or a daughter to you guys! That I can still be saved!" At this point, tears started flowing down my face and my heart was frantically beating in my chest, threatening to burst out at any moment. This only made the pain in my chest worse, almost like I couldn't catch my breath. Added to the fact that this realization was shaking me to my core, forcing me to fear becoming something else entirely… It was terrifying me and I didn't know if I could handle that. "Don't you see that I'm turning into him, even turning into Charlie?!"

Esme looked up at me momentarily before deciding to stand up and step right in front of me, cupping my cheeks gently and looking deep into my eyes "Listen to me, Bella. You are nothing like him. And you are certainly nothing like your father. Do you hear me? Those men were sadistic and took pleasure in hurting other girls to satisfy their own needs. You are nothing like that. You are kind, thoughtful of others and you have the strongest heart that I know," Esme said, her eyes locking with mine.

"But—"

"No, there are no buts about this. You are not a monster. I don't ever want to hear you call yourself that ever again. Am I making myself clear?" When I didn't answer, she took a breath and continued. "What happened today with Tanya was an accident. Deep down, I know that there is a part of you that regrets what happened. You simply wanted to lash out at someone for what happened to you and Tanya was the closest target. I'm sure that if she hadn't made you angry, you wouldn't have hurt her. Because you don't go around hurting every person that you see. You are better than her. You're better than him, Bella."

What Esme just said made me wonder if she was right. Could it be true that I hadn't enjoyed hurting Tanya? Did I simply need to lash out at someone, to get my emotions off of my chest? That enjoyment that I felt when my fist connected with Tanya's face…was that enjoyment associated with causing someone else pain, or to finally get my own suffering off of my chest? Did I need to get the pain of Edward betraying me off of my chest and hitting someone was the only thought that crossed my mind? Maybe…maybe Esme was right.

"Bella, what you went through with James and your father was traumatic. No one can ever deny that. We don't expect you to get better overnight," she said while starting to wipe the tears from my eyes with her thumbs. "The fact that you already decided to see a therapist to help you is proof that you aren't unfixable. There are parts of you that are damaged, yes, but you have people around you who are more than willing to help you through this. We won't simply stand by and watch you fall to your own darkness, Bella. We are not going to give up on you, no matter how much you believe we should. You are my daughter and nothing anyone says or does can ever change that. Not James, not your father, not anyone."

The way she said it, with such determination and conviction…it made fresh tears fall from my eyes and my knees go weak, almost like I couldn't support the weight of my own burden any longer. They were all there for me, they weren't abandoning me like I thought they would… I hadn't been able to see that because my pain had completely masked that. As Esme held onto my face, I started to realize that I truly wasn't alone for once, at least not to a certain degree. No matter what I had grown to believe, what James had told me and engrained in my mind, the Cullens were there for me. Well, at least most of them.

They weren't abandoning me and I simply needed to realize that. Like my therapist said, I needed to start letting them in for the pain to evaporate. And that could only be done if I opened my heart to them again and let myself be loved.

With that thought in mind, I closed my eyes and fell to my knees, bringing her along with me, and simply wept. I couldn't hold it back any longer. The tears just fell of their own accord as Esme wrapped her arms around me, bringing me to her chest and letting me sob. She whispered soft and loving things to me, making me feel like I was starting to be part of a family again, one that truly wasn't giving up on me, no matter what I had gone through.

I'd begun to heal, but what would happen when I faced Edward next? Would this feeling come crashing back down and leave me face-to-face with my demons again?

Alright, so did you guys enjoy this chapter? Was it up to par? Please let me know in some REVIEWS!

Mortal-paralight

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