Disclaimer just in case anyone has been living under a rock for the last 4 or 5 years and hasn't realized it, I do not own Twilight or the original characters, they remain the property of Stephanie Meyer. No copyrite infringement is intended, and this is not done for commercial gain. I just like to make her puppets dance to my tune.

WARNING* This story will be mainly light and funny, but I do need to let readers know the story will involve a physical assault in a later chapter. I know this may be a difficult subject for some people, so I wanted to put a warning out there. I will remind readers again at the beginning of the appropriate chapter.

Okay guys, this is my first attempt at a fan fic. I am pleased to tell you it is complete, so updates should be regular (RL permitting!)

I wanted to take this opportunity say a big thank you to Keye Cullen for pre reading, Rita01TX and a Jasper for me for their help to Beta and edit this chapter. Without them I would be sounding way too British for Forks.

Hope you enjoy.

Chapter 1

My name is Isabella Marie Swan, and I hate Edward Cullen!

No, wait!

I hate Edward, Big Mouthed, Jackas, Cullen!

I hate him with an all-consuming, feel it in the pits of my stomach passion.

I hate his ridiculous, sticky-up hair.

I hate his smirking, lopsided, sharp toothed, smug grin.

I hate his slime green eyes.

I hate his long, gangly legs.

But most of all, I hate the fact I have to sit next to him in Biology class.

Hours of my life, time I would never get back, have been wasted trying to ignore his whispered innuendos and obnoxious interference. From the moment the class had started, when I was forced to negotiate my way around his discarded backpack and long, spread-out legs under our table, until the moment the bell rang and I could temporarily escape him, I was on edge.

"Hey, Bellyache! hows it hanging?"

Urgh! He was sprawled out, as usual, leaning back against the plastic chair, his arms up behind his head, looking like he might be sitting in a deckchair at the beach. He was chewing gum and wearing shades, so I couldn't tell for sure what part of my anatomy his eyes were focusing on, but I could take a pretty good guess!

"Shades? Really? in October? Seen much sun today, Cullen?"

I tried to sound nonchalant, but it probably came across as prissy. I slid into the hard grey seat next to him and slapped my thick textbook on the desk. The sound jerked him out of his relaxed pose and I smirked to myself. He pulled himself upright and, in one smooth movement, slid the sunglasses down his nose as he peered over them. He used one finger, his middle finger, and I could tell it was his way of discretely flipping me off. He thought I was too stupid to know. Asshole!

"Aww, don't spit pussy cat." He drawled out the word pussy, and I grimaced. "You know your beauty dazzles me."

Using the same finger, he slowly pushed the shades back into place, all the while never taking his eyes off me, a slow, crooked grin forming on his full lips. I glared at him, framed against the large classroom window. On the sill, for reasons I had never been able to fathom, sat an old, dusty stuffed owl, its wings spread wide. Edward was just in the right position for his big hair to block out the bird's head, making it looked like he had angel's wings.

Edward Cullen, an angel. Yeah right! Maybe if the wings were black, then he would have looked more like the devil I knew he was. My thoughts of him, his skin tinged red, flicking a forked tail around, while he jabbed the air with a little pitchfork, were disturbed by Mr. Banner starting the lesson. I angled my body slightly away from him and let my loose hair fall over my face on his side, effectively blocking him from my field of vision. Unfortunately, I knew he was still there, smirking and breathing. God, he drove me crazy!

"Flatworms" Mr Banner announced, advising us this would be a partner exercise.

I groaned, and Edward rubbed his hands together with glee. He knew he wound me up, and got an immense sense of pleasure from doing so. Edward Cullen was actually very bright; maybe too bright. Because of this, he knew he didn't need to try too hard in class, and this made him cocky. He acted as if he didn't give a shit about anything, goofing off, and hanging around at recess with some of the cool but dumb jocks who hadn't figured him out yet.

His parents were insanely rich. His father was a consultant, or a surgeon or something, who had decided to grace Forks hospital with his immense genius so his beautiful wife Esme Cullen, who had a love of all things artistic, could be inspired by the natural beauty of the area. She must really have liked green, wet things, since most of the natural beauty here was cloaked in spongy moss and it almost always rained.

Edward's mother and father doted on him, their tall, handsome and clever son, even buying him a brand new silver Volvo for his last birthday. I mean, who would buy their 17 year old son a new car. GAH! This vehicle was his pride and joy, even though he drove it like a lunatic most times. I had even seen him try to impress Jessica Stanley and her band of merry skanks by doing a handbrake turn and slamming the damned thing into a parking space! Stupid shiny, stunt car driver. Jessica had twirled her long, mousey hair around her fingertip and squealed like a fangirl, fawning all over him when he got out. In return, he grabbed a fist full of her ass and squeezed it.

Mr. Banner had drawn a huge diagram of a flatworm on the whiteboard and I steeled myself, knowing the shape of the damned thing would be just too tempting for him to resist making a comment.

"Hell, Belly Ache," he leaned in close and whispered in my ear.

He was so close, I could smell him. I had never noticed it before, but then I suppose I spend most of my time avoiding getting into such an intimate position with him. Surprisingly, he was wearing aftershave, all fresh and citrusy. His voice was smooth and seductive, caressing my senses, and I couldn't help it, my eyes slid closed. His breath was hot, and the tip of his nose brushed against the shell of my ear as he spoke. This, combined with the scent of him, made me shudder slightly.

He continued, "I've got one almost as big as that. Ask me nicely and I'll show you."

Perv! I hated that he could have this effect on me. Drawing me in then spitting me back out again. I have to admit, if it had been anyone else, I would probably have enjoyed the sensations he invoked in me, but it wasn't someone else, this was Edward "dipstick" Cullen, so I scowled and shrugged him away.

"Well, there is one more thing you and the worm have in common."

He looked puzzled.

"I wouldn't touch either of you if I could help it."

Ha! That told him. I gave myself an internal fist pump for getting the last word in. He slumped back in his chair and snapped his gum.

The rest of the lab work went off without problem. He did drop his pencil at one point, and used that as an excuse to run his hand up my calf when he bent to pick it up. This earned him a swift kick to the shin and he had to stifle the resulting yelp.

Finally, the bell rang and I quickly gathered up my books, stuffed them into my bag and rushed away from the lab to get away from him. Unfortunately, I was in so much of a hurry that I didn't see Mike Newton's backpack had fallen into the aisle. Somehow I managed to tangle my foot in the strap and, the next thing I knew, I was crashing to the floor with as much grace as a garbage bag flying down a chute. To his credit, Mike was instantly helping me up and apologizing profusely. However, this effectively drew more unwanted attention to my predicament than I felt comfortable with. As I scrambled up on all fours, I heard a familiar snigger and, as I turned to give him an over the shoulder death glare, he simply strode past me with his long legs and declared,"Kama Sutra position number 42!" before sauntering out the door.

Grrr! if I had been a junkyard dog I would have bitten him.

I woke up early the next day and flinging open the bedroom curtains revealed the sight of a fresh white layer of snow on the ground. Although this made a pleasant change from the usual shades of green over green mosaic that was Forks, Washington, it also meant I was dreading the trip to school in my old red truck.

Slipping into the driver's seat, I offered a prayer up to the gods of ancient motor vehicles in the hope it would start for me. To my absolute joy, it fired up on the first turn of the key. Someone up there surely loved me. I carefully maneuvered out of the driveway and took it extra careful along the untreated roads. Although my truck was almost an antique and heavy, it had a kind of charm about it that I loved. I would really hate to dent it against a tree just because I went a little too fast in my haste to get to school.

Amazingly, I arrived with time to spare and eased my way gently into a parking space. As I struggled to get out of the cab without slipping, I realized the car parked up next to me was a shiny silver Volvo. I smirked when I imagined the look on his face when he noticed his pride and joy parked next to my old junker. Tottering around the truck, trying carefully not to slide on the ice, I noticed the snow chains criss crossed over my tires. It dawned on me that Charlie must have gotten up early and fitted them for me. I was just considering this when I heard a loud screeching noise coming up fast behind me. I turned just in time to see Tyler Crowley's humongous, black van careering out of control towards me. I was frozen to the spot, my mouth opening and closing like a damn goldfish because I couldn't find my voice to scream. All I had time to do was squeeze my eyes shut and brace myself for the inevitable impact.

I felt a swift blow, hard enough to knock the wind out of me, and the next thing I knew, I had been knocked to the ground. Somehow, it didn't feel as bad as I expected, considering a van had just plowed into me, turning me into the meat in a truck sandwich. Although I had definitely banged my head and my backside, surely it should hurt more than this. I risked opening one eye gingerly and I groaned at seeing Edward Cullen's perfectly sculpted face hovering about six inches above mine. He was breathing heavily, his eyes scanning my face. I slowly realized he must have managed to push me out of the way. It felt like ages that we lay there, my coat absorbing the cold wetness from the ground beneath us while I tried to process what had just happened. How had Edward ended up with his body pressed on top of me?

"Shit, Belly! That was a close one. Are you okay?"

His face was serious and concerned, and, for a fleeting moment, I saw him for the gloriously handsome man he was fast becoming.

That's all it was though; just a moment before he used his being on top of me as an excuse to grind his hips into mine and grope my left boob. Only Edward could use a near death experience as an excuse for copping a feel. I wriggled hard then, trying to buck him off of me. He chuckled at my obvious disdain of him and slid to the side. Then the awful realization began to dawn on me.

Oh, no! Edward Cullen had just saved my life and, to make it worse, the whole school will think he is a hero and not the boob-feeling opportunist that I knew he was.

He jumped up and extended a hand to help me up. I couldn't help but scowl as I let him drag me to my feet. By then, a crowd had gathered around us. Several girls, championed by Jessica, were falling over themselves to comfort Edward, making sure he knew how much of a hero they thought he was, and he was lapping it up.

Mike Newton slip-slid his way across to me, his blonde hair bobbing as he struggled on the ice.

"Bella, are you okay?"

Unbelievably, he grabbed my forearms, effectively using me to keep himself upright.

"Um, yeah, I think so."

I rubbed at my tender butt, suddenly aware of an ache starting to pulse at the back of my head. I didn't know if that was because of the impact with the snow-covered asphalt, or whether it was the realization that I was going to have to be nice to Cullen or everyone else would think I was a completely ungrateful bitch. Could today get any worse? Well, yes; apparently it could!

"Hey Bella," Eric Yorkie shouted across to me. "I think your truck is totalled."

Groaning, I rolled my eyes to the back of my head and took a deep, steadying breath before I risked looking over my shoulder. He was right. The black van had slid right into the side of my beloved truck and crushed the driver's side of the cab. That was going to take some work. I glanced across at Cullen's car, the evil troll inside of me secretly hoping his car might have been crushed, or at least dented in the impact too, but no such luck. His vehicle stood there, large as life, winking at me, just as shiny as ever.

The soul crushing crappiness that was today got another shade crappier when the ambulance arrived. First of all, it clearly wasn't enough I had to be humiliated in front of the whole school by being carried into the ambulance on a stretcher, wearing a foam neck brace, I also had to put up with Edward the big headed hero, riding in said ambulance with me.

"You were really lucky I was so close, Belly Ache."

And so the gloating began. I know I owed him my life, and it was brave of him to fling himself in front of an out of control vehicle to save me but, grateful as I was, I don't think I could cope with the level of submission required for being forever in his debt.

"I can't talk to you." I lied to stop him speaking. "My head hurts."

At least that one was the truth. I closed my eyes as I tried to block him out completely. Suddenly, I felt a sharp pain in my ribs as he poked me with one of his skinny, long ass fingers.

"What was that for?" I squealed at him, practically rolling off the stretcher.

"Sorry, but they don't like you falling asleep when you might have a head injury." He grinned, using his thumb to point over his shoulder to the paramedics in the cab.

I blew out a loud and unladylike snort and he sniggered. The bastard had poked an invalid and then laughed at her. Unfreakinbelievable!

Inside the hospital, my embarrassment was complete when Edward's Dad, Carlisle Cullen, turned out to be the doctor on call. He was definitely the source of Edward's handsome genes; all tall and blonde with full lips, cheekbones that would make any male model weep, and the most beautiful, piercing blue eyes I think I had ever seen. Being clumsy by nature, I had, of course seen him on many of my frequent trips to the ER. Even so, it still took an inordinate amount of effort on my part to keep eye contact with him when he shined that light pen thingy in my eyes, checking I wasn't concussed.

I was grateful he didn't ask me too many questions because that would have meant a conversation, which, in turn, would have induced profuse blushing and incoherent mumblings on my part. Instead, he preferred to listen to the running commentary Edward was giving him of my incident. I listened hard to see if he would include the groping and grinding, but he managed to skillfully edit that part out.

My dad turned up in full police uniform a short while later and made a big thing out of shaking Edward's hand in gratitude. Great! I could virtually see his head and ego swelling before my eyes. If they got much bigger, he was going to have trouble fitting through the double swinging doors. Plus, now he'd think he had diplomatic immunity with the local law enforcement. God only knew how fast he'd be driving that damned Volvo from now on. Charlie finally turned his attention to me and confirmed what I already dreaded, that my truck was going to be out of commission for the foreseeable future.

I was letting it sink in when Edward blurted out,"I'll be your ride while your truck is out."

I looked at him with total shock on my face, my mouth hanging open wide enough to catch flies.

"Wow, Bells, that's very generous of him."

Charlie looked over to me, a puzzled look on his face when he clocked my expression. He didn't know of my all-encompassing hatred for Cullen, or that I would rather have been squished than be in the position of owing him one. Well, maybe not squished, but still; I really didn't want to be more indebted than I already was. It was not without difficulty that I adjusted my face to a neutral expression.

"It's okay Edward, you don't have to do that. Besides it's not like I am on your way."

I would just have to resort to a ride in the police cruiser or walk over to Angela Webber's place and riding in with her.

"Really, it's no trouble."

He wasn't going to take no for an answer.

"Besides I enjoy driving."

Yeah way too fast! He flashed me one of his big, lopsided, toothy smiles. Clearly, Charlie had read my weird reaction to Cullen's offer as delayed shock or concussion, because he looked at me and jerked his head towards Edward, his eyebrows scooted up almost to his hairline. I sighed and reluctantly nodded my acceptance to Edward. Unbelievably, his self-satisfied smile grew even wider.

The next morning, I had a bruised ass, a dull headache and a dented ego. I took some meds, for the pain and left the house early to be ready when Edward came to pick me up. As I waited, I was wrestling with both my heavy backpack and also my conscience. I had realized too late last night that, in my shell-shocked state, I hadn't even said thank you to him. I looked up in time to see his silver car rounding the corner and took a deep breath, deciding I needed to be the mature one here or else the next few weeks of being in such close proximity to him, with no chance of escape, would be intolerable.

Edward pulled up alongside me, flashing me a dazzling smile from beneath his sunglasses. What was it with him and the shades? Anyone would think he was a sun-fearing vampire or something. He popped the passenger door for me, tilting his head as he winked. I took a big breath in and let it go, plastered a smile on my own face and slid into the seat.

I hadn't taken much notice of his car before but, as nice as it was on the outside, it was absolutely gorgeous on the inside. Dove grey leather seats, all kinds of dials and buttons that made the dashboard look like an airplane cockpit, and not a speck of dust in sight. Not to mention the fact that it smelled of his aftershave. I felt a twinge of jealousy, then shame, as an image of my truck's very basic and slightly scruffy cab drifted through my mind. I realized he was staring at me and we hadn't moved, yet. My eyes flicked up to his and I suddenly felt very self-conscious. I clutched onto the bag in my lap a bit tighter.

"What?" I asked him bluntly because, honestly, I had no idea why he hadn't pulled away yet.

"Seat belt!"

He waved his right forefinger across my chest and licked his lips.

Urgh, any excuse to be a perv. I scrunched my face up.

"It's for your safety, Belly. You know how fast I drive."

Oh boy! This was going to be such a mistake. Obeying him, I clicked the belt across myself and was immediately pushed back in the seat as he accelerated away. I was just glad Charlie wasn't there to witness his only child being whipped away with Edward Cullen's Tire-spinningly fast "Dukes of Hazard" style driving or he might just have had a heart attack right there on the front lawn.

Somehow, I seemed to have left my breath back on my driveway and it took me a few minutes to be able to gather my thoughts together. I was just about to rake him over the coals for his excessive speed when I noticed the most beautiful classical music filtering softly through the car speakers.

"You listen to classical music?"

I didn't even try to disguise the incredulous tone in my voice.

"Yeah, its Debussy."

He shifted a little in his seat, and I felt so smug at finally having the upper hand and making him feel uncomfortable, for a change, that I pressed my luck a little further.

"Wow Cullen! I wouldn't have had you pegged for classical music. Heavy metal or rock, maybe, but this..."

"Yeah, well I appreciate all kinds of music." He was being all defensive now. "It comes from my classical training."

"Classical training." I repeated, baffled by him.

"Yeah," he scratched at the back of his head, as if he were embarrassed. "I play the piano; have done since I was eight."

Wow, I hadn't seen that one coming. An image of a young Edward sitting on a piano stool, his little legs dangling in the air while he practiced his scales, invaded my mind, and I smiled to myself.

"Wow, I never would have guessed Edward Rebel Without-a Cause Cullen was such a disciplined and sensitive soul."

"Fuck off, Belly Ache."He snorted, laughing at me.

I couldn't help but burst out laughing too, and, for the first time in forever, there was no tension between us.

When he pulled up at school, I took a moment to unclip my seat belt but, before I could open the door, he had rounded the car and surprised me again by opening it for me. I lugged my bag out and we strolled towards the campus building.

"Hey Cullen, thanks"

He looked over at me, his brow furrowed behind his shades.

"What for?"

"For saving me yesterday and for not being too much of an ass today."

He smirked and I knew if I could actually have seen them, he would have been rolling his eyes at me.

"No worries, Belly Ache. You owe me one or two actually."

Then he suggestively lowered his glasses and stared straight at my chest.

"I'll think of something you can do to pay me back."

Shit! was that a joke or a threat? I had no idea, but the ass was back and he had managed to piss me off again with just one sentence.

So without thinking I bellowed,"And stop calling me Belly Ache!"

He laughed at me and shook his head. The life-saving, egotistical, piano playing, dark glasses in autumn wearing idiot actually laughed at me. I am not normally a violent or aggressive person, but at that moment, I had to ball my hands into tight fists at my side to keep from punching him right in his stupid, crookedly grinning mouth.

At lunchtime in the cafeteria, I decided that I was never going to speak to him ever again, debt of gratitude or not. I came to this momentous decision after he ran past me whilst I balanced my lunch of a tuna fish sandwich, bottle of water and an apple on one of the wooden canteen trays. The jerk actually pinched the apple off my tray, rubbed it against his chest then bit into it. He chewed it slowly in front of me, making yum yum noises. I stood there, jaw clenching and pulsing, whilst my face turned a particularly unflattering shade of puce, possibly with steam coming out my ears.

"You're such an ass, Edward Cullen." I squealed at him before I turned and walked to a table as far away from him as I could get.

Thankfully, he didn't follow me. He just watched me from the opposite corner and grinned. The fucker ate my apple and grinned at me! I quietly fumed and roughly chewed my sandwich, all the while looking daggers at him. I was grateful for the distraction when Angela Webber placed her tray next to mine and sat down.

The bell rang signalling end of lessons and I had tried in vain to wangle a lift from Angela. I was quite prepared to walk the mile or so from her house to mine, but she had a dentist appointment after school in Port Angeles and, as much as I was tempted to tag along with her to avoid him, even I realized this was an extreme overreaction to him eating my apple.

Resigned to my fate, and with shoulders slumped, I slowly dragged my heavy feet across to the parking lot. He was already there, waiting for me, leaning against the side of his car with a smug grin plastered across his stupid pretty face. I sighed heavily as I walked past him and flopped into the passenger seat. We rode home in silence.

As he sped along, I looked through the tinted passenger window at the multitude of green trees lining the route to my home. The snow had more or less melted away by now, only the odd tree holding any slushy remnants. Although he didn't speak to me either, he regularly twisted and fidgeted in his seat. The silent treatment was obviously getting to him and this gave me a small feeling of smugness. When he dropped me off at home, I just nodded my thanks to him before turning towards the house. He stared at me with a look of utter confusion on his chiseled archangel face.

"What! You're not speaking to me are you, because of a stupid apple?"

He was fisting his hand through his unruly bronze hair in frustration. When it eventually dropped back to his lap, his forelock stayed all stuck up at the front, making him look like Cameron Diaz in that film with the dog, and I had to stifle a grin. Secretly enjoying the fact I had the upper hand with him again, I simply shrugged, and flung my backpack over my shoulder. Exasperated, he revved the engine hard, spun the car round in the narrow road, and sped away.

Once inside the kitchen, I busied myself preparing a dinner of pasta and chicken for Charlie and myself. Then while I waited for him to come home, I started work on one of my assignments for school. When Charlie got in, we sat together round the small kitchen table as always and ate in silence. After washing the dishes, I retreated to the safe haven of my bedroom to play some music.

Charlie stayed in the den, slumped in front of the sports channel.

I hadn't been in my room for long, when I heard a clatter against my bedroom window. I ignored it at first, thinking it might have been a bird, but, when it happened again, I wandered over to peer out. My eyes widened in shock as I took in the scene before me. Edward Cullen, dressed in button down jeans and a dark blue V-neck tee shirt, was wobbling on one of the branches of the big tree outside my bedroom window. He had a fist full of pebbles and was using higher branch to steady himself. His face was all red and sweaty from the exertion of climbing up so far. The branch supporting him groaned under his weight and his legs were doing this kind of knock-kneed chicken dance thing as he fought to keep upright. He looked so comical that I was actually laughing as I struggled to fully open up the window.

"Edward! What the hell are you doing in my tree?"

I would normally have shouted this a bit louder than I did, but the last thing I needed was Charlie barreling in and finding us in such a compromising position.

"Jesus." He grumbled. "I thought you were never going to come up and find me."

Leaning out the window, I gave him my hand as he gingerly negotiated his way along the bouncing branch and managed to half roll, half fall, onto my bedroom floor.

"What do you want, Cullen?" I scolded him in a voice that was barely more than a harsh whisper. "Can't you use the front door like anyone else?"

The look on my face was probably priceless and I internally breathed a sigh of relief that I hadn't decided to get undressed. He let out a huff and ignored me. Instead, he stood up and started to look round my room. Eventually, he flopped down on the edge of the bed and, for just a fleeting moment, I realized the insanely handsome beast that was Edward Cullen had just climbed a tree to come and sit on my bed. I shook my head to rid it of that thought, reminding myself he was also an ass. Minutes passed, and he was still sitting there silent, just looking at me with one eyebrow raised. I stood with my arms crossed tightly, tapping my foot in frustration.

"Well, are you going to tell me what you want, or do you just climb random trees for the thrill of it?"

He tilted his head to one side, locking his eyes to mine and I felt my breath hitch as I noticed the usual stagnant ponds that were his green eyes had suddenly turned a burning emerald color, so intense, I couldn't look away. I didn't want to, and then my body betrayed me totally when I licked my lips. He caught on to the gesture straight away, grinning widely. Oh, the humiliation!

"Well, Belly."

I narrowed my eyes, warning him not to add the Ache. He got the message loud and clear.

"Er...Button. It's not nice ignoring people, is it?"

I rolled my eyes at his new nickname for me but, secretly, I did prefer it. It sounded cuter, somehow; more like a pet name. Pet name! Are you even listening to yourself? The guy is an ass! he is Prince of Asses! he is King Ass of the Asshat people!

As if to prove me right he added...

"By the way, your tits look fantastic when you do that arm crossing thing."

And he lay back to stretch out on the mattress, arms behind his head.

Grrr, he knew just how to push my buttons, so I said the only thing that was appropriate in this situation.

"Fuck off Cullen."

His eyebrows shot up when I cursed him; then he nodded with a look of appreciation on his face, like he approved of my potty mouth. Unfreakinbelievable.

This Ass was going to be the death of me.

A/N Well, that was chapter one, hope it gave you a giggle or two. If you can spare a minute, I would love to hear what you thought of it, so please leave me a review.

Like I said before this fic is finished, so I will be updating regularly.