This is bassicly the resolt of rewatching season 3 and then seeing last week's episode. I miss the old Gwaine, I miss him and Merlin's friendship.

I don't own anything.

Somewhere along the way their friendship broke down, shattered into a million pieces and no matter how hard they try they can't put it back together.

And for the life of him he can't figure out when.

He remembers, clearly, how their friendship began.

It seemed, in retrospect, such a strange way to start a friendship, fighting in a pub, especially with Merlin of all people. But somehow, inexplicably, it worked. He remembers thinking, in the days that followed their initial meeting that it could never last, for they were far too different to be actual friends. Because Merlin was so nice and he was so Gwaine. He'd spend the next few days dragging Merlin into one ridiculous situation after another, but Merlin, despite his reservations, just went along with it all.

He was the first, and so far only, who completely accepted him just the way he was.

He'd considered staying, when Merlin asked him – begged him almost – he'd considered doing something he'd promised himself he'd never do: tell everyone the truth about his nobility. But somehow, in the back of his mind, he'd known that he'd cause Merlin too much trouble and besides he'd sworn he'd never use his name to gain something.

Sometimes he thinks he should have stayed, perhaps things would be different now.

In that time, such a long time ago, Merlin had thought so highly of him that when he needed someone by his side he came looking for him.

It had been such a strange thing, to have someone who believed so fiercely in him that they'd come looking for him to protect them. Most people would have forgotten him, would have gone for someone like Lancelot, someone dependable, not a drunk in a random tavern. But Merlin, Merlin had seen something in him, something Gwaine himself had never seen, and he'd come for him without thinking about it.

And that Gwaine, drunk, travelling and free, hadn't even considered not going.

Because not helping Merlin, not standing by him, seemed inconceivable.

Merlin was, despite their differences, his best friend, his only friend.

In the end it was Merlin who brought him here, Merlin was the reason he became a knight.

He fought for Arthur and Camelot, of course, but Merlin was the reason he'd stayed. Because Merlin was still his best friend, though no longer his only friend – there was Lancelot and Percival, Elyan and Leon, Arthur and Gwen and countless others – but Merlin was still the only one who'd never expected him to change and the only one who knew his most guarded secret.

It hadn't been enough for their friendship to last.

Perhaps it was the year they'd spend rebuilding Camelot after Morgana destroyed it.

He, and the others, spend the first months trying to get used to their new role – he might have grown up as the son of a noble but he still had a lot to learn – and their simply hadn't been time. Merlin had spent all his time helping Arthur and the king and Gauis and somehow spending time together had faded away – after all Merlin wasn't the kind of person to spend time in a tavern of all places.

And then there was Lancelot and his friendship with Merlin.

There was something about it, Gwaine could never quite put his finger on it, like Lance knew something the rest of them were unaware of. He remembers seeing them, huddled together, whispering about something and every time he, or anyone else, came near them they'd stop talking immediately. Gwaine quickly realized that he was not welcome and stopped trying to sneak up on them.

It hurt to think that Merlin didn't trust him enough with his secrets.

He could make up a list, draw up all the reasons why they're no longer such close friends, write down every time they stopped talking, it still won't explain when it happened.

Maybe it was after Lancelot walked through the veil and died.

He recalls waking and finding silence, no longer could he hear the screams and for a moment he'd been glad and happy – especially when he saw that both Arthur and Merlin were alright – and then his brain kicked in and he realized that Lancelot was no longer there. He wasn't an idiot, despite what Agravaine – and on occasion Leon – thought of him, he knew someone had died, and since he was not there it seemed logical it was Lancelot.

Especially when his eyes landed on Merlin, standing alone, staring at the space where the veil had been with an expression on his face Gwaine had never wanted to see on his always-happy friend, it was a look of complete devastation.

Nobody had known what to do, or what to say, and eventually Arthur had simply given the order to ride out. Merlin hadn't said a word on their long journey back, which somehow unnerved them all – Percival too had been devastated, too grief-stricken to speak, but Percival was always silent, so it wasn't as unnerving as Merlin being silent.

He hadn't known what to say, or do, hadn't known how to deal with his friend's grieve. He hadn't been the only one; the others too had been at a complete loss as what to do. Gwaine had pulled away, trying to figure out what to do and Merlin had grown quieter. He never really got over it, Gwaine knows, eventually – though it took an agonizingly long time – Merlin began to smile again but it was never quite the same. Gwaine never did figure out what to say, he'd left him alone until Merlin found himself again.

He never forgot, nor did Merlin he suspects, that in the moment Merlin needed him the most Gwaine had pulled away.

That without a doubt was the moment their friendship changed forever.

Being possessed by the Lamia hadn't helped things at all.

He remembers waking up with memories of moments he couldn't believe had actually happened. He'd hurt Merlin, of all the people in Camelotand surrounding countries Merlin was the only one he was sure he'd never actually hurt. The fact that he wasn't the only one didn't help things, despite the fact that things were strained between them, he still thought of Merlin as his best friend he should have realized something was wrong.

He hadn't run then, hadn't pulled away, he hadn't known how to apologize but he had done it.

Merlin had forgiven him, all of them, without thinking about it, because that was Merlin. But for weeks he'd been wary of them, finding excuses not to be alone with them, as if he expected them to explode again. It hurt to see the fear in his best friend's eyes every time he came near him. It physically hurt.

But despite all their arguments and all the years that had passed, despite all of the changes in their friendship, he still couldn't quite explain how they got to this.

How it came to the moment that he, Merlin self-proclaimed best friend, could just sit there as their queen accused Merlin of attempting to kill the king and sentenced him to death, and say nothing.

He knew Merlin couldn't have done it, the idea of Merlin killing anyone in cold blood was ludicrous, him attempting to kill Arthur was just ridiculous. He knew and he'd said nothing, just sat there as they dragged his friend away, and in that moment, before he disappeared from view, Merlin had looked at him – just him – pleading, as if he had expect Gwaine to at least defend him.

The Gwaine from so many years ago, the one who'd met Merlin in that tavern, the one who'd followed Merlin to the perilous lands just because he'd asked would have. He would have jumped up and defended him, battled every single knight just to save him; he would have done everything in his power, even if it landed him in the cell next to him. He would have defended.

How had they gotten from that to this?

After it's over he pulls him apart and apologizes, though he cannot explain.

And Merlin, Merlin just forgives him, because that's just him. But he knows, he knows, that everything is different, that their friendship, from so long ago, is truly gone. And he watches as Merlin spends his time with Arthur and even Mordred and he can do nothing but watch and think of a time when they were best friends.

Of a time when Gwaine would have done everything to save him.

Somewhere, somehow, their friendship shattered, and thought the put the pieces together it was never quite the same.

And he can't figure out when or even why.