Part 2 - Asuka

Asuka's closet was crammed full of clothes. Not a square inch wasn't filled with a hanging dress or a box of shoes. Most of her extensive collection had been bought here in Japan, the clothes she had taken with her from Germany having been pushed to the back ages ago. It wasn't hard finding the dress she was looking for. She had bought it for this exact occasion, after all. This was the date. The big one.

The cellphone lying on top of her dresser started vibrating loudly. Taking the dress from her closet, Asuka crossed the room and flipped open the phone. "Yeah?"

"Hello Asuka. It's me, Hikari. "

Asuka rolled her eyes. Hikari was always so formal, even when they weren't at school. "What is it? I'm kind of busy right now."

"You know that guy my sister's always talking about? That really funny senior?"

Asuka held the dress up in front of her, the hanger poking her chin, and turned this way and that in front of the mirror. "Yeah."

"It turns out he was only hanging out with her so he could talk to me."

"Are you gonna go out with him, then?" said Asuka in a completely disinterested voice, wondering if the neckline was low enough.

"No," said Hikari. "Actually, he wanted to ask me if you would go out with him."

"Me?" Asuka blurted. "Jeez, what a jerk. Tell him to forget it."

"What? I thought you would at least want to meet him..."

"No way," said Asuka, setting the phone on speaker so she could change. "I've got a real date tonight."

"Really?" said Hikari. Her voice sounded muffled and robotic coming out of the cheap speakers. "With who?"

"Ryoji Kaji," said Asuka, unable to keep a hint of smugness out of her voice.

It was Hikari's turn to sound shocked. "You mean that guy who works at the lab? Isn't he a lot older than you? Like... a whole lot?"

Asuka pulled her shirt over her head, then shimmied out of her pants. "Yeah, how's that for senior?"

"Asuka, you don't have to lie about stuff like that. If you're really not interested, just tell me."

Asuka pulled open the top drawer of her dresser. "I'm not lying! I'll even have pictures to prove it," she said, pulling out a black bra and matching panties from way in the back.

"You'll get in trouble."

"Are you kidding? Misato thinks I'm going out with some med student. She doesn't have a clue."

The line was silent for a moment. "What did you say to convince him to go out with you?"

Asuka hesitated. "Look, I've gotta go. Tell what's-his-name he can hang out with his right hand tonight. Talk to you tomorrow."

Before Hikari could say anything else, Asuka hung up. She tossed the phone onto the bed and admired herself in the mirror. Yes, if tonight was going to work, she needed to pull out all the stops.

She had bought the dress, along with the black underwear, two months ago with Kaji in mind. It was short and black with a mock corset. It had been chosen after much careful deliberation. The dipping neckline would leave enough skin exposed while keeping everything else artfully hidden until the last moment. This was Kaji she was trying to win over, after all; he wasn't going to be impressed by just any old dress.

Asuka went back to the closet to get her shoes. With the black dress now being worn, nothing could hide the second, special dress from view. Asuka had tried to ignore it, but now it was staring her right in the face. The red skirt was shorter than the one she currently wore and had a pattern of strawberries. The top was white with red trimmed ruffles. A straw sun hat, now slightly crushed, was crammed between dress and hanger. Asuka shoved it out of the way so she could get to the shoeboxes in the back. It was the dress she had bought for a hopeful date with Shinji, if he ever got around to asking her out. She really should throw it away, it had been hanging in there forever. It wasn't even her size anymore.

After finding the right pair of shoes, she shut the closet with a little more force than was necessary and went back to her dresser. Even though her bedroom door was shut and no one could possibly be watching her, Asuka found herself glancing over her shoulder all the same. She dug around deep into the back of her top drawer under the mess of bunched-up underwear. Finally, her fingers closed around the small object buried in the bottom.

It was a condom. A single, sealed condom she had been safeguarding for the past week. She had found it lying on the sidewalk one day while coming home from school and had picked it up while no one was looking. She'd been saving it for a night like tonight, for whoever had asked her first, and it looked like Kaji would receive the honor. Stupid Shinji probably didn't even know what a condom was. She surreptitiously slipped it into her purse.

Out in the kitchen, Misato was hastily applying makeup over the sink. In typical Misato fashion she had put off getting ready for her friend's wedding until the last minute.

"Misato, can I borrow your lavender perfume?" Asuka asked.

"No," said Misato, studying her reflection in the dark window over the sink. "That stuff's not for kids."

Asuka resisted commenting on Misato's outfit as she passed on her way to Shinji's room. At least it wouldn't be hard to one-up her in the style department as far as Kaji was concerned. Asuka crossed her arms and waited as Misato told Shinji they were leaving. Really, the least he could do was come out and see her off. He was probably so jealous he couldn't look at her. That would be so like him.

Misato returned, looking strained.

"Is he still moping around in there?" said Asuka, loudly. "Honestly, just because we have plans tonight and he doesn't? If he wanted a date that badly he should go outside every once in a while."

Misato checked her lipstick one last time before heading to the door. "I think he's still upset about yesterday," she said.

"Whatever," said Asuka, and then, raising her voice loud enough so Shinji could hear, "I bet he's just jealous that we have social lives and he doesn't."

There was no angry response from Shinji's room. No protests, no comebacks. Disappointed, Asuka allowed herself to be shepherded out the front door.

"Is this the place?" asked Misato, leaning over the steering wheel to look up at the brightly lit sign of a fancy restaurant.

"Yes," said Asuka. "He's supposed to meet me here in ten minutes."

Misato had barely parked the car when Asuka jumped out. She made sure she had her purse with her and that the condom was still safely hidden inside. That little piece of rubber was as dangerous as a loaded gun. A loaded gun that, if found by the wrong person, could misfire and ruin everything.

"Okay," said Misato. "Have fun. Don't stay out too late."

"I won't." Asuka smiled and waved until Misato's care was out of sight. As soon as the tail lights disappeared from view, Asuka's smile vanished. She promised to meet Kaji down by the old train station a quarter of a mile away. She couldn't walk too fast, though, or she might get all sweaty, and nobody wanted that.

Kaji was already waiting for her at the rendezvous point. He was leaning against the hood of his car, hands deep in his pockets, staring up at the moon. He lowered his gaze as she approached.

"This is awfully cloak and dagger for you, Asuka." he said, smiling crookedly. "You didn't walk all this way from Katsuragi's place, did you?"

"No, I had a boyfriend drive me part of the way." said Asuka.

"Ah, I see. That was nice of him."

Asuka smiled. "He's not as nice as you, Kaji."

"You sure are dressed up tonight, especially for a trip to an old train station. You're not meeting someone after me tonight, are you?" he teased.

Asuka shifted uncomfortably. "You don't like it?"

Kaji laughed. "You look very beautiful, Asuka. I swear, I'm going to have to start keeping tabs on all these boyfriends of yours. Every time I see you you're all dressed up for another date."

"You're the only one worth dressing up for, Kaji."

Kaji smiled slightly. "So, what's this important thing you had to tell me?"

"What?"

"You know, that thing so important you couldn't tell me at the lab and we had to meet way out here?"

"Oh, that," Asuka laughed. In reality, she had just said that to get him to meet her there. "That can wait until later. I thought we might hang out for a bit. You know, just the two of us."

Kaji scratched the back of his head. "I'm a bit busy tonight, Asuka. We can chat at the lab tomorrow if you want. I'm supposed to meet Katsuragi at a wedding. In fact," he glanced at his watch. "I'm already a bit late."

Asuka frowned. He had agreed to meet her here even though he already planned to meet Misato at the same time? She clutched her purse. "But... I thought we could just talk for a little bit. I never get to talk with you anymore like we did in Germany. Someone always has to butt in, like Misato or stupid Shinji." The last few words slipped out angrily before she could stop them.

Kaji was staring at her. "Is everything okay?" he asked.

"Yes," Asuka said quickly. This wasn't good, he was slipping away from her. It was time for drastic action. "I'm... I'm just a little tired from walking all this way. Can we sit in your car for a while? Just until I get my strength back."

Kaji sighed. "Sure."

"Is this a new car?" Asuka asked, sitting down in the passenger seat and running her hands over the crinkled leather.

"A new old one," said Kaji, getting in the other side. "My salary's not quite that large. Now, what did you want to tell me?"

Asuka frowned. She would just have to make something up to keep him quiet, but she needed time to think of something good. She flapped the front of her dress. "It's really hot in here. Can you turn the air on?"

Kaji started the car, flooding the interior with cool air. He turned to look at her. "Well?"

Asuka opened her purse just enough so she could see inside. After a few seconds of searching, her eyes fell upon the condom hidden in the mess of other stuff. "You never just want to talk anymore," she said. "You're always working."

"Asuka..."

"I have to promise you important information just so we can talk normally."

Kaji ran his palm over his face. "Asuka, if you've got nothing to tell me then I really need to get going. I'm too busy for this right now. You know how it is at the lab."

Asuka rounded on him, the purse shifting sideways in her lap. "That's what Shinji says, too! He's always too busy or too tired or too something, and all he wants to do is lock himself in his room and ignore everyone! Is that what you're doing, too? I thought you'd understand."

"You're acting like a child, Asuka."

"I'm not! It's not my fault I'm the only one who wants to take our relationship seriously!"

Kaji gave her a look. "Relationship?"

"Yes, our relationship," said Asuka. "I'm fine with it, Kaji. Whatever you want to do." She leaned toward him. "Don't pretend you don't want it, too." The purse slid off her lap and hit the floor, spilling its contents over Kaji's shoes. Asuka kept her eyes locked on Kaji's, making no move to pick up it up. She waited patiently as Kaji scooped the contents back into the purse, his fingers closing around a small plastic wrapper. He held it up.

"What's this?" he asked, his voice serious.

"What does it look like?"

"Asuka, where did you get this?"

"It's mine."

"Not anymore." Kaji stuffed the condom into his pocket.

"Fine." said Asuka. "I brought it for you, anyway."

"I'm taking you home."

"No, you can't do that!" she blurted, clutching the side of the seat and leaning closer to him. "You don't have to pretend anymore! Just ask me and I'll say yes. I'll say yes, Kaji."

Kaji stared at her. "You're far too young, Asuka. Those things can wait until you're older."

"But I am old enough!" she shouted. "Just give me a chance and I'll show you!"

Kaji started the car. "I'm taking you home. Put on your seat belt."

Asuka glared at him. "If I don't get it from you then I'll just get it from someone else." she said in a low voice.

Kaji paused for a moment with his hand on the clutch. He sighed heavily, then backed out of the parking lot and onto the road.

They drove in silence. Asuka leaned against the door and stared out of the window, her arms crossed. Kaji was in denial, that was all there was to it. He just wouldn't admit anything because he thought he'd get in trouble with Misato or something. He didn't need Misato anyway, not anymore. What was he worried about? She glanced sideways at him. He looked tired. There were dark rings under his eyes and he had to prop himself up with his elbow on the armrest. Asuka dropped her gaze to her shoes. Maybe he was telling the truth after all. Maybe he just didn't want anything to do with her anymore.

Kaji stopped at the end of the road that lead to the apartment complex and Asuka got out before he could come around and open her door.

"I should tell Katsuragi about this." said Kaji.

Those simple words nearly sent Asuka over the edge. She clenched her fists so tightly she could feel her nails digging into her skin. She glared down at the pavement, her face screwed up in frustration. "Fine, go ahead. I don't care." she said through gritted teeth. "Tell her I never want to speak to you again, either." And she took off towards the apartment without a backward glance.

Kaji found it hard to concentrate on anything as he drove through the city. Usually driving made him relax and allowed him to dwell on things he might not otherwise have time to think about, but now it was just a distraction. He wanted to go home. He wanted to sleep. He didn't want to get up early and go to the lab tomorrow. But he wanted to speak to Misato in some degree of privacy, and that would best be done today at Makomo's wedding, not tomorrow at the lab with who knows how many cameras watching.

The wedding was being held in a huge courtroom not too far from GEHIRN itself. When Kaji arrived everyone was already seated at tables, chatting loudly while they ate. It took him less than a minute to find Misato and Ritsuko. He sat down in the seat marked Ryoji Kaji with a cute little placard.

"Look who decided to show up," said Misato, refilling her glass with champagne. "You smell terrible. The least you could've done is put on some cologne." She reached over and straightened his tie roughly.

Kaji grinned. "You sure are chipper tonight. How are you, Ricchan?"

Ritsuko smiled. "It's nice to do something other than paperwork," she said. "I wish it wasn't another wedding, though. It seems everyone we know has been getting married lately."

"Maybe we should join them." Kaji said, glancing sideways at Misato.

She humphed into her glass of wine.

"Ricchan, would you be a dear and get me a slice of cake?" Kaji asked. "It's been forever since I've had something sweet."

Ritsuko smiled and stood up. "Actually, I should be heading off. I've got a pile of lab reports that need to be finished for tomorrow's sync test."

"You said you'd take the day off and have some fun," said Misato.

Ritsuko shrugged. "Director Ikari doesn't take days off."

"Yeah, like he's actually working out there on that yacht of his."

"It's more of a barge than a yacht," said Ritsuko. "Anyway, I'm going home. Say goodnight to Makomo for me. I'll mail her those pictures tomorrow."

Misato waved goodbye, downing another glass of wine. She looked at Kaji. "You're awfully quiet. Why don't you just get a slice of cake yourself if you want one that badly?"

"Aren't you going to ask why I was late?" he said, leaning back in his chair and staring up at the chandelier.

"No."

"I was with Asuka."

"Asuka?" Misato poured herself another glass. "She's on a date tonight."

Kaji glanced at her.

Misato missed her glass and splashed champagne on the table. "Oh my God, you've got to be kidding me."

"She promised me information, but she really just wanted to talk."

"Information?" Misato laughed, lifting the glass to her lips. "Give me a break. You fell for that?"

"She brought a condom."

Misato sputtered and slowly set down her glass of wine. "W-What? Where in the hell did she get that?"

"I don't know," Kaji sighed. "Is everything all right at home? I mean, you two haven't had a fight or anything, right?"

"Everything's fine, as far as I know. Where is she now?"

"I dropped her off at your place."

Misato stared down soberly at her glass. "Should I, you know... punish her or something?"

Kaji shrugged. "You're her guardian now. I just thought I'd let you know."

"You've known her longer than I have. Didn't you give her the talk?"

Kaji stared up at the ceiling. "Yeah, a couple years ago. Her mother practically lived at the lab, so any personal matters were relegated to me. I thought I did a decent job at the time."

Misato sighed and swept her hair out of her eyes. "God, I swear these kids are gonna give me gray hairs. I'm glad I'm past that stage in my life."

"Don't fool yourself," said Kaji. "We're just as screwed up as they are." He stood up. "Just keep an eye on her for me, alright? I'll try to take a couple days off work, spend time with her a bit more. She's probably just lonely."

"That's impossible," said Misato. "Shinji's always with her. I'm sure she just saw something on TV or whatever. I'll talk with her about it when I get home."

"Mm-hm. Don't drink too much."

"I won't."

Asuka fumbled around for her key. The lights were still on in the apartment so Shinji was probably still awake. He probably hadn't left his room the entire time. Asuka shoved her key in the lock and twisted. Still, maybe he would be awake enough to appreciate how low the neckline was on her dress. If Kaji wouldn't own up and admit what he really wanted, then it was time to let Shinji take a turn at the bat.

Shutting the door behind her, she hung her purse up on the rack. Asuka looked around at the sound of something clattering off down the hall. It sounded like something fell over in Misato's room. Her bedroom light was on too, but Asuka hadn't seen her car parked outside.

"Shinji?" Asuka called. She smoothed out the front of her dress as she walked down the hall to Misato's room.

"Don't come in!" came Shinji's panicked voice. He appeared in the doorway, huffing and out of breath, and grabbed unsuccessfully for the door.

Time stood still. Asuka felt something squirm horribly in the pit of her stomach. Shinji was wearing Misato's old clothes and makeup, like some terrible mockery of a circus clown. A lacy, loose-fitting bra could be seen down the front of his polka-dotted shirt. A blue skirt clung to his hips and reached just past his knees. He had smeared lipstick clumsily over his mouth.

"You... you're..." Asuka choked.

He stared at her with wide eyes. His hands and knees were shaking. She hated that look on his face, like he thought she was about to hit him.

Asuka took a step back. "You're... oh my God..."

"I wasn't-" Shinji spluttered, shaking his head desperately.

Asuka bumped up against the wall. Her mind was numb. She couldn't believe what she was seeing; none of it made sense. Shinji was wearing Misato's clothes. Shinji was wearing Misato's clothes and it made her sick.

She turned and bolted down the hall into her room, slamming the door behind her. She leaned against it, her chest heaving with panicked breaths. What the hell was wrong with him? Why was he doing this to her? Why was everyone doing this to her? Couldn't any of them just act like men for once? She slid down to the floor, cradling her head in her hands. This wasn't happening. This couldn't be happening. The image of Shinji in Misato's clothes, makeup smeared clumsily all over his face, clung to her mind like a big fat spider and wouldn't go away.

Shinji Ikari was gay, and he would never want anything to do with her ever again. He would not want to look at her, he would not want to talk to her, and he would not want to touch her.

Asuka jumped to her feet and lurched to the closet. She flung the door open and tore out the red and white dress and straw hat. Her face screwed up in anger, she crammed the stupid thing into the trash can, stomping on it until it fit. That damn idiot Shinji didn't care, and Kaji didn't care, and Misato didn't have a damn clue about anything. No one cared enough to even try to understand.

Asuka let out a scream of frustration and hurled one of her shoes at the wall. "I hate this!"

"Shinji-kun, just relax." Dr. Akagi's voice crackled through the intercom. "You've done this a hundred times before."

"I know," said Shinji. "It's just... it's hard today."

Asuka rolled her eyes. She didn't need to hear Shinji's whining when she was trying to concentrate. Dr. Akagi could talk to him through a closed line if she wanted to, but no, she had to let everyone else hear their stupid conversation, too. It was always Shinji this and Shinji that. Asuka was the one with the highest test scores—besides Kaworu Nagisa—but no one ever gave her anything more than a pat on the back. He was probably just failing to get attention.

Asuka leaned back in her seat, her gloved hands relaxing on the handles. She closed her eyes and opened her mouth, allowing a large bubble of LCL to gurgle up to the top of the Test Plug. She had to relax. Her sync ratio would drop if she kept thinking about things that made her angry. Even so, an image of Shinji wearing Misato's clothes swam to the forefront of her thoughts. Asuka frowned and her heartbeat sped up. No, she didn't want to think about that. She had to concentrate.

"Something's wrong. A drop in his sync ratio like this isn't something you can just shrug off."

Asuka slowly opened her eyes. Dr. Akagi was talking over the intercom, but not to any of the test subjects. Had she accidentally left the mic on?

"Has something happened?" she continued. "At home, I mean."

"Well, for the past couple days he's been kind of depressed." Misato's voice was rough and slightly distorted over the intercom.

Asuka glowered. They were talking about Shinji again. Is that who they always talked about during sync tests when they thought no one was listening? She wondered why no one had said anything yet. If she could hear everything Dr. Akagi and Misato were saying then Nagisa, Ayanami, and Shinji could too. Communication was open both ways so why hadn't one of them told the old bats the mic was still switched on? Probably for the same reason she hadn't said anything yet.

"Do you have any idea why?" Dr. Akagi asked.

There was a short silence, then Asuka heard Misato's voice. "I think it has something to do with his father."

"Director Ikari isn't one to attend his children's baseball games," said Dr. Akagi.

Asuka pretended to gag at the stupid baseball metaphor.

"He could've at least attended this one," said Misato. "Shinji overheard him when he was talking to Rei. I think he's jealous of all the attention he's been giving her."

Something unpleasant squirmed in the pit of Asuka's stomach. Why would Shinji be jealous of Ayanami? He hates his father. Why should he care if she was getting all the attention? If Director Ikari didn't want to spend time with his own son, then to hell with him. Shinji shouldn't care about a stupid thing like that... unless he was jealous of Rei for other reasons. Weird ones.

By the time the test was over, Asuka had topped the charts once again. Well, technically she tied with Nagisa for the seventeenth time, but who was counting? Asuka peeled off her plugsuit, hidden behind the curtain that would normally separate her from Ayanami, who was apparently too busy or too stupid to go straight to the changing room after the test like she was supposed to. Really, if she used half the time time she spent wandering aimlessly around the lab to actually concentrate on her synchronization she would probably be better than all of them put together. That girl had way too much free time.

The changing room door opened. Asuka saw a slim silhouette approach from the other side of the curtain.

"Are you decent?" It was not Ayanami's voice, but Nagisa's.

A blush crackled across Asuka's cheeks. "What the hell kind of question is that? Open the curtain and I'll kill you!" she snapped, tugging up her skirt. "This is the girls' changing room, idiot, so if you know what's good for you you'll leave before I take away the only reason you're allowed in the boys' changing room."

Nagisa laughed softly. "I only wanted to talk to you in private. I'll wait until you're finished. I wouldn't want to embarrass you."

Asuka tied her vest and flung open the curtain, scowling. "What is it?"

"You heard what Captain Katsuragi said, didn't you? About Shinji-kun?"

"So what?" Asuka snapped. "I don't see how it's any of your business, and if you think I'm going to talk about Shinji behind his back-"

Nagisa took a step toward her, looking serious. "I don't want you bothering him about it. He seems very upset today and I don't think he's up to dealing with your antics right now."

Asuka looked like she had been slapped. "What do you mean 'bothering' him? I don't bother him! And you've got some nerve coming in her and telling me what to do. Don't act like you know Shinji better than me."

Nagisa took another step closer. Asuka stood her ground.

"You don't know him as well as you might think." he said.

Asuka glared at him. Once again she thought of Shinji wearing Misato's clothes, makeup smeared over his lips. She clenched her fists and looked away. What did Nagisa know that she didn't? Maybe Shinji had been meeting him in secret, and they would both dress up and... Asuka couldn't bear to finish the thought. Why did everyone insist on mocking her like this?

She shouldered past him. "Just stay away from me."

He waited until she reached the door to speak. "Getting angry won't change anything. I only have Shinji-kun's best interest at heart... something I wish you had, too."

Asuka spun around. "Don't you dare try to make me look like the bad guy!" she snapped. "You don't know anything, so don't act like you do! You don't know him like I do. You don't live with him, you didn't sleep with him-"

Nagisa raised his eyebrows.

Asuka's face flushed bright red. "N-Not like that!" she said, cursing her poor choice of words. "Never like that! Stop putting words in my mouth!" She spun around and wrenched open the door, slamming it behind her.

That idiot Nagisa... who the hell does he think he is, talking to her like that? Acting like he knows everything...

Asuka stopped outside the door to the break room. She clasped her hands together and sucked in a deep breath. "Okay," she whispered on the exhale. Calm and collected. Not angry. She opened the door and stepped inside. Shinji was already there, still in his plugsuit. He was sitting on a bench next to a vending machine, clutching an unopened can of soda.

"Another wonderful day as a lab rat," Asuka sang, acting as normal as she could. "And another stack of perfect test scores. I wonder where Misato will take me out to eat this week? We've already gone to Chang's Chinese twice and their rice is still awful." She glanced at Shinji. He was staring blankly at the ground, not showing any sign that he had even heard her enter the room. She looked away. How was she supposed to help him if he wouldn't even talk to her?

Something bumped into Asuka from behind, making her stagger. She spun around to see Nagisa grinning at her. Ayanami stood behind him, peering over his shoulder.

"Whoops," he said. "You know, you really shouldn't stand in doorways. It's quite rude to everyone on the other side."

"Well, maybe everyone else should just use a different door, hm?" Asuka snapped, hands on her hips. She wasn't going to take any more crap from him today.

"Or maybe you should trim a few pounds off that glorious bottom of yours?" Nagisa continued in that infuriatingly calm voice. "Because, if you don't mind me saying so, no one here at the lab is interested in seeing it jammed in the break room doorway."

Asuka gaped at him. "You-" she said, then spat out every swear word she could think of off the top of her head, which was more than most people had in their entire vocabulary.

Nagisa blinked, his lips upturned in a bemused smile. Rei sidled past him.

"It's just one thing after another with you, isn't it?" Asuka screeched, secretly glad she had an opportunity to let off some steam. "First you jump me in the changing room, and then you accidentally ram into me from behind? If I didn't know better I'd think you were just trying to get a handful of that bottom you just insulted, which I'll have you know is of average size and isn't overblown like your big fat head and I don't want to hear another word about it or Shinji or anything else! Got it?"

Nagisa raised his hands innocently. "Well, excuse me. It was just a joke." He grinned. "I should have guessed you were on your period today."

A vein pulsed in Asuka's temple. "I am not! Shut up!" He had been all serious in the changing room but now he was just trying to piss her off.

Nagisa walked past her, still grinning. "You shouldn't get so worked up about everything, you know. Shinji doesn't like that."

Nagisa got a drink from a vending machine and stood next to the bench where Shinji and Ayanami were sitting. They had their heads angled slightly toward each other's and were talking in low voices.

Asuka turned away, clenching her fists. Why was Shinji talking to Ayanami if he was so jealous of her?

"Idiot," Asuka muttered, moving in front of one of the vending machines. It was the broken one but she didn't care. She didn't really want a drink. "They're all idiots." She gave the vending machine a good kick. None of them acted the way they were supposed to. None of it made sense.

"Okay, you can all go home now." Dr. Akagi's voice blared out suddenly from a wall-mounted speaker. "The test results have cleared. Thank you for your patience."

Asuka took a deep breath, then slammed her foot into the vending machine one last time. The pain in her toes made the pain in her head a little better. She clapped her hands and spun around, all smiles. "Well, I don't know about you three, but this lab rat's ready for some crappy Chinese. So, who wants to celebrate my excellence with me? Misato's buying."

Nagisa raised his hand. "I'll go as long as I can sit next to you," he said.

"Why would you want to sit next to me?" said Asuka, glaring at him suspiciously.

"Well, that way I won't have to look at your face while I'm eating." said Kaworu, grinning.

"You just can't keep your fat mouth shut, can you?" Asuka wailed. It felt good to shout, to yell, to let out some of her frustration. "Well you're not invited, so it doesn't matter what you think! And that's another thing, I don't have to take any kind of-"she broke off as she realized Nagisa was staring at something over her shoulder. She looked around.

Misato was standing there, hands on her hips.

"Oh, uh, hi Misato." said Asuka, fumbling over her recovery. "We were just discussing where you were going to take us for lunch and-"

"I'm sorry, Asuka. We won't be going out to eat tonight."

"What?" Asuka moaned. "Why?"

"I think it would be better for all three of us if we ate at home more often. You know, like a family?" Misato continued. She turned to Shinji and Rei. "How does that sound, Shinji?"

Shinji looked around at her distractedly. "What? Oh, yeah. Sure." His eyes met Asuka's for a moment, then darted away. She hated that look on his face. It was like he expected her to start swinging her fists at him or something. Like he thought she blamed him for everything.

Anger welled up inside her. Not the kind of hot frustration and embarrassment she felt when arguing with Nagisa, but cold, painful anger.

"Something tells me Shinji would rather us go out and leave him at home," Asuka trilled, the words spilling out before she could stop them. "You know, to catch up on his private time?"

Shinji dropped his gaze to the floor, a pained expression on his face. Asuka immediately felt a guilty sense of satisfaction. Serves him right.

"Private time is a very important part of the day," said Nagisa, appearing from nowhere to lean against Asuka's shoulder. "A time to both reflect on past adventures and experience new ones."

Asuka shrugged him off. "If I didn't know any better," she said with forced calm. "I'd say you were hitting on me."

Nagisa flashed that obnoxiously white smile of his. "I would never hit on a girl. It's not gentlemanly."

"Okay," said Misato, emphasizing the first syllable as she pushed them apart. "You guys can stay here if you want to, but I'm ready to get home."

"Anything to get away from this dork," said Asuka, jabbing her thumb over her shoulder at Nagisa, who pantomimed being shot in the heart.

"Shinji," Misato continued. "Go on and change. Asuka and I will wait in the car."

"Sure." said Shinji.

Asuka drummed her fingers along the side of the car door, staring out the window. The air was on full blast, tossing her hair back against the tattered headrest. The thin red locks that weren't blown back by the wind curled and tickled her cheeks. Misato sat in the front seat, fanning herself with a GEHIRN pamphlet. Asuka glanced over at the back of her guardian's head. She sat in silence for a few minutes but Misato never said anything. It would've been nice if she'd at least asked how the test had gone. Asuka stared back out the window again.

"You don't know anything, so don't act like you do! You don't know him like I do. You don't live with him, you didn't sleep with him-"

Asuka's own words echoed in her head, repeating over and over again. Why had she said that? Now Nagisa was going to think she had done something weird with Shinji. But it hadn't been weird. Something in Asuka's chest fluttered at the memory. No, it hadn't been weird at all. In fact, she had really liked it.

It had been one of those long nights after school where Misato had had to stay at the lab overnight. It was raining badly, so much that the roof sounded like it was going to fall in, and only after Shinji had stuck his hand out the window to show her had Asuka accepted that it was indeed rain and not hail the size of baby dolphins. Thunder boomed overhead, causing the windows to rattle violently.

Asuka had been lying on her bed, staring up at the ceiling. Her room was dark but for the faint moonlight coming in through the window, casting shadows of raindrops all over the opposite wall. It sounded like a typhoon out there. Lightning flashed every few seconds, briefly illuminating her room before the inevitable, deafening crack that—although Asuka knew it was harmless—made her heart skip a beat. She had always hated storms.

Asuka pulled the covers up to her chest even though it was rather hot and humid in her room. It made her legs get uncomfortably hot and sweaty, but at least she felt a little safer. She knew it was stupid to be afraid of thunderstorms. That was little kid stuff. Thunder couldn't hurt you, it was lightning that killed people. But, for some reason, she would much rather have all the lightning without the thunder.

There was a deafening crash outside and Asuka saw a bunch of red and yellow sparks blow out over the street. She sat up, heart racing. A bolt of lightning had struck one of the telephone poles or fuse boxes or one of those other things they had out there. The security alarm let out a short, loud squawk from the kitchen and the illuminated numbers on her digital alarm clock blinked out. They had lost electricity. If the lights hadn't already been out, her room would have been plunged into complete darkness. Even though Asuka hated to admit it, she wished she didn't have to sleep in here alone.

Footsteps pounded down the hall outside and the door was flung open. "Asuka, are you all right?" said Shinji, shining a flashlight in her face.

Asuka shielded her eyes. "Of course I'm all right, idiot! Don't just come barging into my room! And stop shining that damn light in my face!"

"Sorry," he said, aiming the light at the floor.

Asuka lowered her hands. "What do you want? Did the big bad storm scare little Shin-chan?"

"No," said Shinji. "I was on my computer when the electricity went out. I thought you might want a flashlight." He held it out to her.

Asuka stared at it for a moment. "Fine," she said. "Leave it on the table."

Shinji did so, then made to leave the room.

"Wait!" said Asuka.

"What?"

Asuka stared at him. Why was it so hard to thank him for such a stupid little thing? "Apologize for coming into my room without knocking."

"Fine, I'm sorry." He turned to leave again.

"Wait!"

"What is it?" said Shinji, impatiently.

Asuka hesitated. "Nothing. Just go."

Shinji closed the door behind him, leaving Asuka alone in the dark room with the thunder and the rain. She lay back down, pulling the covers up to her chin. No matter how hard she tried, Asuka couldn't go to sleep. The thunder was too loud and the lightning was too bright even with her eyes closed. After what seemed like a long time she felt something small and cold plop onto her knee. There was another plop, then another. Asuka sat up and felt the spot. It was wet. The roof was leaking.

Dragging her futon and pillow behind her, Asuka pounded on Shinji's door. "Open up, dümmkopf."

The door slid open. "What is it now?"

"The ceiling's got a leak and I'm not used to sleeping in a bed that's soaking wet, so make room on the floor." Asuka pushed past him, dragging the heavy futon behind her.

"Why is it okay for you to barge into my room?" Shinji said exasperatedly.

"Because I have needs." Once Asuka had unfolded her futon beside Shinji's bed, she dropped her pillow and blanket on it and set the flashlight on the floor next to it.

"Why can't you sleep in the living room or something?"

"What, you don't want me here?" Asuka snapped. "Because if that's the way it is then I'll just leave!"

"No, it's just... never mind."

"Fine. Stop whining, then." Asuka lay with her hands folded behind her head, staring up at the ceiling.

Shinji stepped around her and got on his bed, laying on his side with his back to her.

Asuka rocked her feet slowly from side-to-side. "Spooky, isn't it?" she said, quietly.

"What is?"

"The storm. I bet if it gets any worse, Misato won't be able to come home until tomorrow. There might even be a tornado."

Shinji was silent for a moment. "I don't think we have to worry about that. It's just a thunderstorm. If it was something really bad we'd hear a warning on the news."

"Not with the power out we wouldn't."

Thunder boomed overhead, causing the windows to rattle in their frames. Asuka looked over at Shinji but all she could see from her position on the floor was the top of his shoulder.

"We might even die." she said.

"Stop trying to scare me." Shinji mumbled.

"It's the truth."

"No it's not. It's just a thunderstorm, nobody dies from those. Only little kids are scared of storms."

Asuka bolted upright. "So I'm a little kid, is that it?" she snapped.

Shinji slowly rolled over to look at her. "Wait... so, you're scared?"

Asuka's face flushed. "No! Of course not, idiot! I was just... I was..."

Shinji grinned guiltily. "I didn't know you were afraid of anything."

"So what?" Asuka shouted. "I bet you're afraid of tons of stupid stuff! Like girls and swimming and everything!"

Shinji's smile vanished. He turned away from her. Asuka glared at the back of his head.

"Actually, I'm kind of scared, too." said Shinji, quietly.

Asuka frowned and looked away. Why would he admit something like that? Boys weren't supposed to be afraid of anything. And neither was she. They were both just being stupid.

Asuka made to climb up onto Shinji's bed just as Shinji moved to get down onto her futon. They stared at each other. Shinji finally looked away.

"Uh..." he said.

Asuka pushed him back and joined him on the bed, bringing her pillow and blanket with her. "Bed's more comfortable than the futon," she grunted. "If you ever tell anyone about this I'll kill you. And it's just until the storm's over, don't go getting any ideas."

"Yeah, yeah."

They lay beside each other, staring up at the ceiling. The storm rumbled on as violent as ever, but it didn't bother Asuka as much. Somehow, knowing Shinji was scared too made her feel a little better. She thought back to what he had said when she rushed into his room without permission.

"Hey, Shinji?"

"Hm?"

"Is it okay for me to be here?"

There was a short silence. "Yes." he said.

Asuka glanced sideways at him. "Hey, Shinji?"

"What?"

"Thanks for the flashlight."

In the pale moonlight coming in through the window, Asuka saw him smile.

"Sure." he said.

Asuka watched Shinji approach the car in his school clothes. That night had been months ago and neither had mentioned it since. She wasn't even sure if he remembered. It wouldn't matter if he did, anyway. Not anymore. Not after last night.

After Shinji sat down in the back seat next to Asuka, Misato pulled out onto the road without even asking them to buckle up. She must be even hungrier than they were. Shinji leaned his elbow against the door and, resting his chin in his hand, stared out the window. Asuka watched him for a moment before speaking.

"I saw you talking with Ayanami."

Shinji ignored her.

"What were you talking about?"

"Just stuff." said Shinji.

Asuka turned down the air which had been on full blast. "What stuff?"

"I don't know," said Shinji dismissively. "Just stuff."

"You two were getting pretty cozy over there. I thought you were supposed to be jealous of her?"

"Asuka," Misato warned.

"What?" Asuka snapped at her. "Everyone heard you talking! Are we just gonna pretend it never happened? Everyone heard it!"

"Asuka, please..."

"I'm sick of always being left out!" She rounded on Shinji. "If you can't tell me what you were talking about then it had to be something bad! What was she telling you, Shinji? Where you could buy a new dress?"

Shinji flinched as if a bullet had whizzed past his head, doubling over in his seat and clapping his hands to his ears. "Stop it, Asuka!" he shouted.

Asuka turned angrily to her window and glared out at the passing cars. He just didn't care about her anymore. He probably never did. All he cared about was Ayanami and Nagisa and how they could all go out and wear dresses and be faggots together and she hated them. Asuka clutched the plastic lip under the window, her fingernails making tiny dents in it. She hated all of them.

Once they arrived home, Asuka went straight to her room and slammed the door. She dialed Hikari's number on her phone.

Hikari picked up on the third ring. "Hello?"

"It's me. Did you tell that guy I didn't want to go out with him yet?"

"No, I promise I'll tell him today. I've been-"

"Because I've changed my mind," Asuka interrupted. "Tell him to meet me at the hotel south of the train station at five-thirty this evening."

"But Asuka..."

"Can you do that or not?"

Hikari hesitated. "I... I guess..."

"Good. Thanks." Asuka hung up and tossed the phone onto her bed. She didn't need Kaji or Shinji. Neither of them cared enough to give her what she wanted. They were both idiots and she didn't have time to waste on either of them anymore. She flung open the door to find Misato leaning against the wall, waiting for her. Asuka averted her gaze. How much had she heard?

"Having a nice little talk with your friend?" said Misato. She wasn't smiling.

"Best talk I've had all day," said Asuka. "Not that you care."

"Shinji's making dinner. It'll be ready in a little while."

"So?" Asuka wrenched open the bathroom door. "I'm not eating anything he makes! It always makes me sick!" And she slammed it shut.

The only sound in the kitchen was the gentle clinking of silverware against their plates. Just like the last few times they had all eaten at the table together, Misato was the only one attempting to make conversation. It wasn't Asuka's fault, she wouldn't be eating dinner at all right now if Misato hadn't made her.

"So, Asuka," said Misato, forcing conversation. "you've got another date tonight? Don't you think you're taking things a little too quickly?"

"It's not a date," said Asuka through a mouthful of food. "Hikari won tickets to some stupid movie and she doesn't have anyone else to go with." She swallowed. "I'm just going for the popcorn. Maybe she'll get bored and we can leave early."

"That's nice," said Misato with forced cheerfulness. Asuka could tell from the look on her face that she didn't believe a word of it. "And how about you, Shinji-kun? Any plans?"

"Yes," said Shinji.

Both Asuka and Misato stared at him, stunned.

"I promised to help out with a project at school," Shinji continued. "It starts at four o'clock and I'll probably be stuck there for a few hours."

Asuka narrowed her eyes. Since when did Shinji offer to help out at school? He was up to something.

"Oh, it's not like you to volunteer at school," said Misato, inadvertently voicing Asuka's thoughts. "What kind of project is it?"

"It's something the theater club is putting together. An allegorical play about the Osaka Riots."

Asuka snorted.

"Wow, sounds important. Do you need me to drive you?" Misato asked.

"No," he said quickly. "I mean, I can walk. I need the exercise."

"See, Asuka? You should give Shinji a little more credit. When was the last time you helped out with a school project?"

Asuka stabbed a potato wedge with her fork. Why did Misato have to hate on her, too? She didn't care at all about what Asuka was going through. "Let's see," Asuka said, pretending to think about it. "Never. Happy? It's not like I don't do enough around here!"

"What do you mean?" Misato blanched. "You don't even do half the chores you're supposed to! Shinji's always the one who has to pick up the slack."

Asuka slammed down her fork and stood up. "It's not like I ask him to do my chores!"

"Someone has to do them, Asuka." said Misato.

"I'm finished," Asuka spat, tossing her napkin on the table and striding out of the room.

"Asuka, get back here and clean off your plate!"

"Why don't you just make Shinji do it?" Asuka shouted over her shoulder as she headed for her room. "Doesn't he do everything around here?" She slammed the door shut and hurled herself onto her bed.

It wasn't fair. Why did everyone always have to pick on her? Shinji was the one failing his sync tests. Shinji was the one jealous of everyone. Shinji was the one who wouldn't do anything. Why was she always the one to get punished? Her red cell phone lay beside her on the bed. Asuka stared at it. That guy was supposed to meet her at five-thirty today, only three hours from now, at a hotel. Asuka rolled over onto her back. She wished Kaji hadn't taken that condom from her. Now she would have to stop by a drug store on the way.

Asuka lay curled up on her side until Shinji left the apartment. She didn't care what he was really up to. Not anymore. He didn't care what she did so why should she care about him? He didn't give a damn that she was going to a hotel with some guy she didn't even know. Shinji didn't care, and Kaji didn't care, and Misato didn't care either. None of them cared enough to do anything about it, so why should she?

Asuka decided to wear the same dress she had worn to her date with Kaji. It was the only one she owned that was sexy enough for the occasion. She sneaked into Misato's room and and sprayed some of her precious lavender perfume on her neck and, after hesitating slightly, her breasts. Asuka wasn't a kid anymore and after tonight no one would be able to argue otherwise.

She left the apartment without saying goodbye. If she hurried she could make a stop by the drug store and still have time to walk all the way to the hotel.

Asuka stared at the boxes of condoms lining the shelf. She hadn't expected there to be so many different kinds. First she thought she should buy the biggest, just to make sure they'd fit, but it said on the back of the box to make sure you got the correct size. She couldn't get the smallest—that would just be insulting—so she settled on mediums.

She stared the clerk in the eye as he rang her up. It was the only thing she was buying. He didn't say anything. She had half hoped he would.

Outside, Asuka could see the hotel from the drug store parking lot. A train was passing through the street, momentarily drowning out the noise of traffic as it sped by. Asuka stepped out onto the road just as a familiar blue car skidded to a halt in front of her.

Misato opened the door and stepped out.

Asuka scowled. "You followed me."

"Where are you going?" Misato asked.

"Nowhere. Leave me alone."

Misato looked at the plastic bag hanging off Asuka's arm. "What did you buy?"

"Mind your own business, will you?" Asuka spat. "What do you care, anyway? It's not like it has anything to do with you."

Misato made a grab for it.

"Hey!" Asuka shouted. "Watch it! Stop, give it back!" She wasn't losing them again, not after she used her own money and everything.

Misato pulled out the box and stared at it, then looked at Asuka. "Where are you going?" she repeated.

"Give it back!" Asuka shouted, lunging for the box. Misato made no move to keep it away from her and the force of Asuka's lunge knocked the box out of her hands and onto the ground. Asuka picked it up and stuffed it into her purse.

"Asuka... let's talk about this." said Misato.

"No! Just piss off, alright? It's got nothing to do with you!" She tried to move around her but Misato blocked her way. "I said fuck off!" Asuka shouted.

People were beginning to stare. A little boy tugged on his mother's skirt and pointed at them, and a man passing by in a business suit shook his head. Asuka blushed and turned away.

Misato took a deep breath. "Look, Asuka, I know you're feeling confused right now, but there's no need to-"

"Stop!" Asuka shouted hysterically. "Just stop it! I can do whatever the hell I want so get out of my way!"

Misato gripped her upper arm. "Asuka, stop screaming at me! You're acting like a child!"

Asuka wrenched her arm out of Misato's grip. "Don't you dare call me a child! Don't you dare!"

"Asuka!"

They glared at each other for a long moment. Asuka was huffing and out of breath, her heart racing. Misato had her hands clenched and her jaw set.

"Kaji told me about last night," said Misato.

Asuka felt a surge of white-hot anger in her chest. Kaji told Misato? How could he betray her like that? He was supposed to know how she felt. He was supposed to look out for her. She grinned horribly. "So, you're just jealous, is that it?"

"What?"

"You're just jealous of me and Kaji. That's the only reason you're here, isn't it? You're just worried I'm meeting him again!"

"Asuka-"

"You know he likes me that way! That's why you hate me, isn't it? You think I'm going to steal your precious Kaji!"

"That's enough, Asuka! You know that's not true! Get in the car, I'm taking you home."

"No!"

Misato tried to grab her again but Asuka slapped her hand away.

"Stop it! You're not my mother!" Asuka screamed. "I can do whatever I want so just leave me alone!" She pushed Misato out of the way and took off across the road.

"Asuka!" Misato shouted after her. "Asuka! Get back here!"

Asuka ran. She kept on running even after her breath came in ragged gasps and her legs threatened to seize up. Only when she reached the front of the hotel did she allow herself to stop and catch her breath. She leaned against the wall. Dropping her purse to the ground, she doubled over, clutching at a stitch in her side.

Kaji had told Misato everything. He didn't care how Asuka felt at all. He must have thought telling Misato about stupid Asuka and her stupid condom would make him look like a hero or something.

"I'm supposed to meet Katsuragi at a wedding. In fact, I'm already a bit late."

Asuka slid down the wall and hugged her knees. That was what Kaji said shortly before taking her home, and Misato had come home late that night. Had he blown Asuka off just to go see Misato? Asuka's face screwed up with the effort not to cry. Had he used the condom he'd taken from her?

"Asuka Sohryu?" said a voice.

Asuka looked up, quickly wiping her eyes on her sleeve. A tall boy stood on the steps leading up to the hotel doors, looking down at her over the side of the rail. He appeared to be in his late teens.

"What do you want?" Asuka snapped.

The boy looked taken aback. "Uh... I'm Kanta. You okay? You said to meet here, right?"

Asuka stood up. All right, this was it. No more crying. No more Kaji and no more Shinji. They had had their chance.

"Yes," said Asuka, firmly. She jogged up the steps and grabbed his wrist, pulling him inside. "Come on."

Sitting in her car, Misato dialed Kaji's number into her phone. It rang once, twice, three times.

"Come on, damn it. Pick up."

Finally, on the seventh ring, Kaji answered. "Yes?"

"Kaji, I need your help."

"Katsuragi? What's wrong?"

Misato ran a hand through her hair. "It's Asuka. She's... we had a fight. She's meeting some boy at a hotel." Misato could see them from the parking lot across the street. Asuka grabbed the boy's arm and dragged him inside the building. "She was buying condoms at the store, Kaji. I don't know what to do."

There was a short silence on the other end of the line. "I see."

"I don't know what to do," Misato repeated, her voice cracking. "I don't know what to say, Kaji. She won't listen to me. I tried talking to her but she wouldn't listen. I can't do this. How the hell am I supposed to know how to raise these kids? Shinji's all right, but Asuka... I just don't understand what she wants. It's like I can't ever say the right thing with her."

"Calm down, it's going to be fine." said Kaji. "Where are you? I'll come talk to her."

"What, you think you can understand a fourteen-year-old girl better than me?" Misato snapped. Her outburst was met with silence on the other end. "I'm sorry. I... I'm just a little shaken up right now. I'm scared, Kaji. What if she does something? I'm responsible for her. It'll be my fault if anything happens."

"I have an idea." said Kaji. "Where are you, exactly?"

"So, why did you want to meet here?" Kanta asked, hands shoved deep into his pockets. "I thought you'd want to go to some fancy restaurant or something."

"Do you really have to ask?" said Asuka, making a brave attempt at a sultry smile. "Hikari said you were hot, but she never said you were stupid."

Kanta laughed. "Hey, just making sure we're on the same page here. I knew you were hot, but I never thought you'd be-" he broke off.

Asuka looked around at him. "Never thought I'd be what?"

"What?" Kanta said, eyebrows jumping up. "Oh, nothing. I dunno where I was going with that."

Asuka turned back to the clerk. "One room for the night, please. He's paying."

Kanta smiled grimly and took out his wallet.

The room was small with a single bed, and not much in the way of decoration. There was a nightstand with a lamp on it and the thin metal shades on the windows were typical of cheap Tokyo-3 hotels. They reminded her of the kind they had on the windows in the hospital wing at GEHIRN.

Asuka set her purse on the nightstand and, while Kanta was busy in the bathroom, ripped open the box of condoms so it wouldn't look like she had just bought them. She looked around. The bathroom door was half-open and the light was on inside. It sounded as if Kanta was brushing his teeth.

Her jaw set with determination, Asuka loosened the ties on the front of her dress. This was it. No turning back now. She had to do this, especially after all those things she said to Misato. She had to prove she could do this or no one would take her seriously anymore.

Asuka was sitting on the side of the bed when Kanta came out of the bathroom wearing only his shirt and boxers. He sat down next to her, making the bed groan with the added weight. He slipped his arm around her waist and, for some reason, Asuka resisted a little as he pulled her close.

"What's wrong?"

"Y-Your breath smells, idiot!" Asuka snapped, going with the first lie that came to mind. "What were you doing in there, taking measurements?"

Kanta grinned. "I just brushed my teeth. Maybe you need a closer look." Without warning, he leaned in and pressed his lips to hers.

Asuka resisted slightly, her body going stiff. She tried to kiss him back, she really did, but her body didn't seem to want to work properly anymore. She gripped handfuls of the cheap, scratchy covers, her toes curling in her shoes. Kanta continued kissing her, running his hands around her waist and up her back. He didn't seem to care that she wasn't really into it.

"You smell nice," he whispered, his lips moving down her neck. Asuka shivered at the unfamiliar touch. "Like roses or something." He dragged his hand along her right leg and, for a moment, Asuka thought he was going to pull up her skirt, but he kept going, stopping just below her breasts.

He seemed to hesitate for a moment, then gripped her right breast.

Asuka drew in an involuntary breath. He wasn't being rough, but he wasn't exactly gentle, either. He probably thought she did this sort of thing all the time. Would he be disappointed when he inevitably found out this was her first time? The warm, almost electric sensation spread across her chest like wildfire. He was using both hands now... circular motions... massaging her through the thin fabric of her dress.

Save me, Asuka thought. Save me, Kaji.

She could feel his other hand working its way up under her skirt, sliding along her thigh. Kanta leaned forward, gently pushing her down onto her back. He continued nipping at the sensitive skin around her collarbone, mashing his hand against her breast. He tugged at the strings that held the front of her dress closed.

Save me, Shinji.

The door slammed open, bouncing off the wall with a crash.

Kanta looked around wildly. Asuka sat up, holding the front of her dress together.

Misato stood in the doorway, arms crossed and legs spread like she was posing for the poster of some action movie. "You!" she barked, jabbing a finger at Kanta. "Get the hell away from my daughter!"

Kanta went as white as a sheet. He staggered backwards, waving his hands innocently. "I... I didn't-"

"Misato, get out!" screeched Asuka, climbing off the bed. "Why do you always have to ruin everything? Just get out!"

Misato strode into the room, grabbed the box of condoms from Asuka's purse, and chucked it at Kanta. He flinched spastically as the box ricocheted off his hip, spewing unopened condoms everywhere.

"There, have fun with those." said Misato, grabbing Asuka's wrist and marching her to the door. Asuka tugged and tried to pull away but Misato's grip was like a vice.

"Let go!" said Asuka, slapping at her hand. "You're hurting me! Let go!"

She dragged Asuka out into the hall.

"This isn't over!" Asuka called back into the room at a stunned Kanta. "I'm not done! We'll finish even if I have to-"

"No you won't," Misato snapped at her. And then, turning to Kanta, she added, "Sorry, she has herpes."

Both Asuka's and Kanta's jaws dropped. Misato slammed the door shut.

"You're insane!" said Asuka, tugging her arm again. "Let go of me! You can't do this!"

Misato said nothing until they passed the front desk. The clerk was busy stemming a nosebleed. Misato caught Asuka looking. "He wouldn't tell me which room you were in," she said. "Something about the patrons' privacy. Nothing a little violence couldn't fix."

"You're going to regret this," Asuka said through gritted teeth, angry tears gathering in the corners of her eyes. Misato marched her through the parking lot to the car and pushed her into the back seat. "I'm going to make you pay for embarrassing me like this."

Misato got into the driver's seat and started the car.

"Tell me why you did it," said Misato as she pulled out onto the road. "Why would you do this to yourself?"

Asuka crossed her arms and glared out the window.

"Don't ignore me, Asuka."

"You don't understand anything, do you?" said Asuka in a low voice.

"No, I don't, or I wouldn't be asking you." said Misato. "What made you want to have sex with that boy?"

Asuka scowled. "Don't say it like that!"

"Then how do you want me to say it, Asuka?" Misato snapped. "Do you even know the risks involved? Do you know how much you could've been hurt? You're too young to even be thinking about things like-"

"I am not!" Asuka shouted. "I am not too young! Everyone keeps saying that! You're too young Asuka, you're just a kid Asuka, wait until you're all grown up Asuka! What were you doing when you were fourteen, huh? Tell me!"

Misato's expression hardened. "That's different."

"No it's not! I hate how everyone treats me like a little kid! You, Kaji, Shinji, and everyone! I hate it!" Asuka doubled over and grabbed handfuls of her hair, tears streaming down her cheeks. "I hate it! No one understands! No one gets it!"

"What is it that no one understands?" Misato asked.

"Everything!" Asuka howled. "Everything! No one understands me, or what I want, or anything!"

"What do you want?"

Asuka opened her mouth to yell again, then stopped. She thought of herself and Shinji lying next to each other during that violent storm, of Shinji cleaning up after she made a mess in the kitchen, of the way he smiled in that stupidly cute way when he was happy about something. Why couldn't she have that all the time? She remembered the special dress now crammed into her trash can and Shinji's expression upon being caught wearing Misato's clothes and makeup. Asuka clenched her hands.

Misato was looking at Asuka over her shoulder. "I can't help you if you don't tell me what you want, Asuka."

"Leave me alone." said Asuka in a hoarse voice.

After a few long minutes of silence, Misato stopped the car. Asuka lifted her head. They were parked at the end of a dark alleyway between two buildings. There was another car parked at the other end. Asuka could see the silhouette of someone smoking a cigarette in the driver's seat.

"Get out." said Misato.

Asuka blinked. "What?"

"Get out of the car, Asuka."

Asuka balled her hands into fists. She wanted to scream again, to kick the back of the driver's seat, to hit Misato as hard as she could... but her arms and legs were shaking, and her throat was sore. She wrenched open the door and got out, slamming it shut as hard as she could. The blue car backed away from the alley, pulled out onto the road, and sped off. Asuka glared at it until it was out of sight. She didn't care what happened to her anymore. She didn't care who waited for her in the other car. It was probably someone to take her away to some hospital or rehab center or something. Misato wouldn't want to deal with her anymore after this.

As she drew closer to the end of the alley, passing open dumpsters and piles of soiled cardboard boxes, Asuka began to recognize the car. She recognized the man sitting inside it, too.

Asuka sat in the back seat, her hands clenched atop her knees. The car smelled like old leather and cigarette smoke. The tan felt floor was covered in dark stains and pieces of debris. She shunted aside a coffee can with her toe.

Night had fallen by now. They were driving through the heart of the city, illuminated signs and windows flashing by like multicolored strips of neon. Asuka's shoulders and back ached. She kept her head bowed, her long red hair hiding her face. As much as she hated the silence between them she did not want to be the first one to speak.

Finally, after what seemed like hours, Kaji spoke. "Are you hungry?"

Asuka ignored him.

"You'll feel better after you eat something." He looked at her in the rear-view mirror.

Asuka hunched her shoulders. "Don't look at me." she said, hoarsely. She didn't want Kaji to see her like this. She didn't want anyone to see her like this.

Kaji sighed. The car slowed to a halt at a stoplight. "You scared me today," he said. "When I got the call from Katsuragi telling me what happened, I thought you might've done something you'd regret."

Asuka said nothing.

"It's not a crime to want to feel loved, Asuka." he continued. "But there are other ways of getting that."

"That's not what I want." said Asuka.

"Yes it is," said Kaji. "That's all any of us want, really. And we'll do the stupidest things to get it."

Asuka slowly lifted her head. She could see his face in the rear-view mirror; he looked older than she'd ever seen him. His dark, sad eyes met hers and she glared at him.

"I'm sorry," said Kaji. "I love you, Asuka, but I can't give you what you need. I never could. Besides, it's not me that you want."

Asuka bowed her head again. She didn't want to talk about this at all, least of all with Kaji. He didn't understand. He told Misato about their secret date. He didn't love her, not really.

"What's going on between you and Shinji-kun?" he asked.

Asuka's head snapped up. "Nothing," she said at once.

"You like him, though, don't you?"

Asuka glanced off to the side. She remembered Shinji's stunned, fearful expression when she found him in Misato's room, lipstick smeared clumsily over his lips, Misato's bra hanging loosely inside his shirt. "No." she said. "I hate him."

"Why?" asked Kaji. "Do you think he hates you?"

"I don't care what he thinks." said Asuka, flatly.

"That's cold of you." said Kaji.

Asuka tightened her fists. "No," she said through clenched teeth. "No, that's not true." She stared down hard at her hands, forcing out the words she swore she wouldn't tell anyone. "I do care what he thinks, it's just that... it's that he always acts like I don't care, and he probably thinks I hate him, and I don't." Asuka kneaded her stinging eyes with her palms. "And... and I saw him doing something yesterday that I shouldn't have. Something weird. And now I don't think he'll ever like me." Asuka dropped hear head into her hands, hating herself. Now Kaji would know how weak she was. She should have been stronger, she should have kept her mouth shut, but the words continued to pour out like poison. "He won't even look at me anymore."

Kaji was silent for a long time. "I can't fix those things," he said, at last. "I can't fix all that for you, Asuka, and I wish I could. If I thought there was something I could say to Shinji-kun to make him think differently, I would say it. But I can't fix your life for you. No one can. That's something you need to figure out how to do yourself, Asuka."

"Easy for you to say."

"Why don't you tell him what you just told me?"

"Because he'll laugh. Or he'll hate me even more. Or he'll deny everything. Or he'll lie and tell me what he thinks I want to hear."

Kaji looked at her in the mirror. "And what if he's thinking the same thing about you?"

Asuka looked at him.

"What if he's worrying about the exact same things you are?" Kaji continued. "If both of you keep worrying about what the other's going to think of you, you'll stay locked in this stalemate forever. If Shinji-kun won't say anything to you then you need to say something to him. Otherwise nothing will ever change between you two."

Asuka swallowed. "But... what if he-"

"Don't think about that. Just say what needs to be said. Don't worry about the consequences. They might not be as bad as you think."

Asuka dropped her gaze. "I... I just can't."

"Then things will stay the way they are forever. It's your choice."

He stopped the car. They were parked outside the apartments where Misato, Asuka, and Shinji lived. A light was on in their apartment; Asuka could see it from the road. She opened the door and stepped outside, the cool night air gently whipping at her hair.

Kaji rolled down the window. "Asuka, promise me something."

She sniffed and wiped her eyes again.

"It's one thing to regret something you did," said Kaji. "But quite another to regret something you didn't do. Don't have any regrets." He rolled the window back up, started the car, and drove away. Asuka waited until his red tail lights faded from view, then walked up the steps to the apartment.

The lights were on inside so somebody must be home. She unlocked the door and, after stepping inside, hung her purse on the rack. Just like last night, she thought. Her chest constricted with nerves. What if she saw something else she didn't want to see?

The door to her bedroom was open and there was a light on inside. Asuka frowned. "Who's there?" she called, starting down the hall. "Misato, is that you?"

Standing in her room, wearing his school clothes, was Kaworu Nagisa. The slim figure of Rei Ayanami ducked out of sight, hiding behind his back.

Asuka flushed angrily. "What the hell are you doing here?" she snapped, pointing an accusing finger at Nagisa. "And what's she doing here with you? This is my last Ayanami-free zone and I'd like to keep it that way if you don't mind."

"Ayanami?" said Nagisa, feigning puzzlement. "No, Sohryu, you probably need to get your eyes checked. As for what we're doing here," he grinned. "Shinji needed to borrow some makeup, you see."

Asuka had to think about this for a minute, and then the truth hit her like a horrible, greasy lightning bolt. She peered over Nagisa's shoulder. The sight of Shinji cowering in a dress, his face dolled up with makeup, sent a horrible chill down Asuka's spine. She didn't want to see this.

"Oh my God... this again?" she said, reeling back. "And you brought him here with you?"

Shinji looked up hesitantly, his face screwed up as if he thought she was going to hit him.

"Mein gott in himmel," Asuka continued, her hands flying to her mouth. "You two weren't doing it in my room, were you?"

"No!" Shinji blurted, stepping out from behind Nagisa. "It's not like that!"

"Well it sure looks like something was going on," Asuka snapped, pointing at him now. "Look at you! God, you better not have been doing anything weird with my stuff. You're not wearing my underwear, are you?"

"Don't worry," said Nagisa. "I'm sure Shinji will wash them after he's finished."

Asuka and Shinji both gaped at him, horrified.

"What are you even still doing here?" Asuka snapped. She grabbed Nagisa's upper arm and marched him down the hall and through the kitchen. Shinji stumbled after them.

"Hey, I was invited in, you know," said Nagisa, chuckling lightly.

Asuka opened the door and shoved him outside. "Well, consider yourself uninvited."

"Asuka, don't..." Shinji began, but she silenced him with a look.

"Goodnight, Shinji-kun." said Nagisa pleasantly.

Asuka slammed the door in his face. She turned to Shinji.

He took a step back, fear scrawled all over his face. He was going to try to run. She could see it in his eyes.

"Why?" said Asuka, and all the anger was gone from her voice. She felt tired. "Why are you doing this?"

Shinji dropped his gaze. "I don't know..."

Asuka clenched her fists. She had to ask him. If she didn't do it now, she would regret it later. "Are you... you know..." she hesitated. "Gay?"

"No!" Shinji blurted.

"Then why are you dressed like that?" Asuka continued, her voice rising slightly. He was wearing a dress that belonged neither to her nor Misato. Had Nagisa given it to him? Or had he borrowed it from Ayanami? The thought made her sick. "Is it because of me?" and then, to save what little dignity she had left, "I mean, I hate your guts, but I didn't exactly want to turn you off women forever or anything." She glanced subtly at him, hoping he wouldn't see through her act.

"It's not like that," he mumbled.

"Then what is it?"

"I don't..."

"Come on, spit it out!"

"It makes me feel pretty, okay?" Shinji shouted.

A ringing silence followed his words. They stared at each other. It was sickening, seeing him dressed like a girl. It wasn't some clumsy amalgamation of Misato's clothes and makeup anymore; the dress he wore fit him perfectly, and there wasn't a smudge of makeup out of place. Had Nagisa done all this?

"So," Asuka said, quietly. "you're gay."

"No," said Shinji. He looked down at the floor, his hands clenched at his side. "It's just... it makes me feel good. Wearing makeup and dresses and stuff." He looked up suddenly. "You know what I'm talking about! You do it all the time at school. You know, that thing you do with your hair."

Asuka narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "What thing I do with my hair?"

"You know, that thing where your flip it over your shoulder because you know a boy's watching. Or when you flap your shirt to make your-"

"I do that because I'm hot, idiot!" she snapped, interrupting him. "It's gotta be, like, a hundred degrees in our classroom these days! I don't do stuff like that to get attention! What are you, stupid?"

"Well, everyone notices you when you do that," Shinji continued. "Even me."

Asuka blushed, taken aback. He really noticed those things?

"It's just that I wish people would look at me that way, too." he said, sadly.

Asuka could hear the blood pounding in her ears, but it was from a different kind of panic now. "You and Nagisa weren't doing anything weird in my room, then?" she asked, tentatively.

"No. He was just helping me with the makeup."

Asuka felt her heart plummet. Nagisa was in on it after all. That's why he told her to stay away from Shinji.

"You won't tell Misato, will you?" Shinji added, watching her fearfully.

Asuka shrugged. She put her hands on her hips and looked away disinterestedly. "Maybe."

"I'm really sorry I went in your room," Shinji continued, miserably. "I won't do it again, I promise."

"You're sure you're not gay or anything?" Asuka prompted. She had to know the truth. If he was gay, then that was it. The end. He would never want to hold her, or care for her, or any of that. Her heart pounded against her ribs. She never remembered feeling fear quite like this before. "Because you have to tell me right now if you are."

"No." said Shinji. "Really, Asuka, I'm not."

"Not even for Nagisa?"

"No!"

Asuka hadn't realized how tense her muscles were until the moment they relaxed. It was like a massive weight had been lifted from her chest, allowing her to breath freely and easily again. Shinji still liked girls. He wasn't gay or anything, he was just being stupid Shinji. Stupid, stupid Shinji.

"Don't have any regrets."

Asuka found herself smiling. "Okay, then." she said. "Next time you need help with makeup or whatever, why don't you ask me?"

Shinji stared at her. "Ask... you?"

Asuka rolled her eyes. Couldn't he for once just take a hint? "Look, idiot, Nagisa's not allowed in my room under any circumstances, but if you need help or want to borrow something or whatever, ask me and I'll help you."

Shinji mulled this over for a moment. "You mean... if I want to-"

"Yes," said Asuka, impatiently. "If you want to borrow makeup or whatever, I'll help you put it on."

"But why?"

"Why?" Asuka snapped. Because I don't want anyone to steal you away from me. Because I don't want you to hate me anymore. Because I want to help you. Because I like you. "Because Nagisa doesn't know crap about making you look good. That dress is hideous, by the way. Looks like something Ayanami would wear. You didn't pick it out, did you?"

Shinji was spared the embarrassment of answering when someone knocked on the door. Asuka looked around. It was probably Misato.

"Just stall her for a minute, okay?" Shinji called, bolting back into Asuka's room.

Asuka strode purposefully to the door. She didn't care if Misato was going to punish her or if Shinji would hear their inevitable argument and guess what had happened at the hotel. None of that mattered now. Asuka wouldn't let any of that bother her any more. She wrenched open the door, ready to meet her fate.

It was Rei Ayanami.

"Is Shinji-kun home?" she asked.

Asuka gaped at her. She was wearing the exact same dress Shinji had on.

"Shinji overheard him when he was talking to Rei. I think he's jealous of all the attention he's been giving her."

She suddenly remembered what Misato had said during their last sync test, and now it made sense. It was no wonder she had mistaken Shinji for Ayanami earlier. They were the same build, the same height. Even their hair was similar, albeit differently colored. Was Shinji's sudden fascination with wearing women's clothes just some sick attempt at one-upping Ayanami at getting more of his father's attention? Maybe she didn't have him figured out as well as she thought.

"Is Shinji-kun home?" Ayanami repeated.

"W-What?" Asuka stammered. She shook herself mentally. "Sorry. Yeah, he's here. Why?"

"I would like to speak with him. May I come inside?"

Asuka hesitated. If she told Ayanami he was sleeping or something, she would go away and Shinji would never know she was here. Asuka had been hoping she and Shinji could talk things over a little more and she couldn't do that with Ayanami snooping around.

"I... guess..." Asuka said, haltingly. If Shinji found out she'd sent Ayanami away that would only give him a reason to hate her. She stepped aside.

Ayanami sat down at the kitchen table.

"He was just getting ready for bed." said Asuka, leaning against the wall and crossing her arms. "He probably doesn't want to talk to anyone."

"Oh," said Ayanami. "I'm sorry. I won't be long."

Shinji came back into the kitchen at that point, devoid of makeup and wearing his school clothes.

"Shinji-kun," said Ayanami, standing up. "I am sorry, you were probably getting ready for bed."

Asuka's stony expression twitched into one of exasperated annoyance. What was with her, acting all considerate and crap?

"No," said Shinji. "It's fine. Is something wrong?"

Ayanami shook her head. "Can we talk? Outside?"

Asuka huffed loudly and rolled her eyes. Okay, forget Nagisa. Ayanami was the one to watch out for.

"Sure," said Shinji. "Asuka, I'll be right back."

"Mm-hm." said Asuka tersely. She didn't look at him as he passed.

Once they were both gone, Asuka dropped her arms to her side. Nothing would be the same after this. Even if Shinji's crossdressing wasn't the apocalyptic event Asuka had made it out to be, things would still be different between them. They would be closer, hopefully. Maybe they wouldn't fight as much. Maybe things would be a little better. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Asuka went into her room. Shinji's dress was lying on her bed and her makeup was pulled out and scattered over the top of her vanity. She ignored these things, however, and pulled the red, strawberry-patterned dress out of the trash bin, along with the crushed straw hat. She brushed it off and hung it up in her closet.

Maybe, someday when she was helping Shinji to look like someone he was not, she would ask him out on a date.

And maybe he would say yes.

Either way, she would still ask. And she wouldn't have any regrets.