Chapter 7 : More with you

The afternoon after the confrontation, I try to avoid Riku like the curse of gods. As soon as the bell rings, I bolt out from the classroom and Roxas follows me quickly. We walk back together, visiting Muggle post on our way to send our registration forms.

I have to explain to Roxas what happened. I realize my behaviour is particularly weird: silent and pensive. I'm sure Roxas has been lost for a moment, wondering if I needed an exorcist or something. He does not pressure me into retelling everything though, like the amazing friend he is. He even tries to make me feel better about the whole thing by making me sit on a bench on the beach witnessing the beautiful sunset while half-hugging me with his left arm and eating a sea-salt ice cream with his right. It was the kind of ice cream with two sticks glued together that you have to pull off to share: our favourite.

"It was necessary, Sora. I know it must be tough for you right now, but you had to do it or nothing would have changed."

Roxas leaves me to my pensive state, staring at the sunset for a long while, respecting my silence and comforting me with his presence.

I am feeling kind of calm. Empty in a way, because I have not seen Riku at all for the rest of the day, and it is unusual for me not to see him. I do my homework, alone. I eat dinner with mom and dad, feeling slightly guilty and tense: they are not aware yet of our argument.

The day after, Riku does not come pick me up for school. Mom asks me about that and I babble something that sounds like a half-arsed excuse before leaving the house in a hurry.

Riku is absent today and I am left staring at his vacant seat during classes. I can barely focus on anything else. I do not know how I expected him to react but his absence was more than just surprising. Riku never misses school without a good reason. The only time I remember him doing it, he couldn't stand on his own two feet.

I remember that day. It was a Friday just before break, and his parents' wedding anniversary. Riku had a very bad flu and his mother was about to cancel the three days journey to Atlantica they had planned for the both of them. She didn't because I stayed with Riku for those three days, assuring her that I would've taken good care of him; he had his medicine and he just needed rest.

I took residence in Riku's room, lying on a comfy rug next to his bed. I had some books and a portable console to entertain myself while he slept and when I was not cooking or giving him medicine. I was trying to make things for him as bearable as possible, refreshing him with a wet towel, speaking softly for his sensitive ears and joking around to make him forget his pain. It was disturbing to see him in that weakened state but, at the same time, it made me realize that perfect doesn't mean invulnerable. His low-lidded eyes were still sparkling, his usually golden cheeks were flushed red with high temperature, his voice was not confident and smooth but hoarse and his words slow. Despite feeling guilty about this thought, I couldn't help but enjoy taking care of Riku while ill. Not that it pleased me to see him in that state, but I kinda liked the fact that, for once, it was he who needed me.

After the first day, he felt a little better but still under the weather. I brought him his meals in bed and, as ill as he was feeling, he kept grinning during my whole stay in his room. I even washed him once because the high temperature had made him hot and sweaty. He was too tired and too ill to stand up and take a shower. Instead, I brought to his room a plastic washbowl full of warm water and a flannel. When I took off his shirt, he had looked surprised and a little embarrassed but complied. I kept talking to make him feel okay while I soaped his torso and armpits thoroughly. He started calling me 'Nurse Sora' after that but he stopped when I told him to shut up if he did not want me to wash something else.

"Do you feel better Riku?"

Sitting on the ground next to his bed, an action movie playing, I was surveying his state closely. The look he had on his face did not make it seem like he was lost in thought or trying to comprehend my question through the fog in his mind, but he still took a little while to answer the seemingly simple question. It was like he was weighting his words cautiously, not knowing what to reveal.

"I never felt bad to begin with. You were always here." He had said softly, in a serious and solemn voice, like the meaning was deeper than what it seemed. "Nurse Sora" he added with a ruffle of my hair.

When he felt better, I helped him cleaning his room. Riku has always been obsessive about tidiness and hygiene. Window wide opened to air the room so that all those meany germs could get out, he vacuumed the ground while I changed his bed sheets and made his new, clean bed. Afterwards, we took a walk on the beach and I could see Riku recuperating his strength back. I was proud at the thought that it was little bit thanks to me; it felt so good to be the one needed for once. Riku had been able to count on me.

I don't know why, of all the times, I am thinking just right now about that day. Absently solving a math problem, I keep looking at the clock above the black board. The day had passed slowly, but that is nothing compared to the last hour. Terrible.

Finally, I say good-bye to Roxas. I've taken a decision. I am going to pay Riku a visit. As an excuse, I have homework to bring for him. I run almost all the way to Riku's home but at his front door, I stop. My breathing laboured, I feel nervous all of a sudden. What if Riku does not want to see me? What if Riku never wants to see me again? That would be bloody ironic: I was never able to avoid Riku in my whole life and now that I finally have some space, I panic at the idea of not seeing Riku.

It has just been a day. A day and an afternoon.

And I miss Riku.

I am Riku-addicted. Fucking Fantastic.

I bring up any determination I have and I knock. His mother opens the door not too long after that.

"Hello, Mrs Ogawa."

"Hello, Sora. You're here to see Riku?" she answers softly. She seems bothered somehow. Since she does not try to pry my eyes out with her nails, I guess Riku has not told her what I said yesterday. Still alive, yeah!

"Yes... is he ill? I've brought his homework."

"Well... yes, I suppose he is. He is not feeling well and he... doesn't want to see anybody. Give me his homework and I'll give them to him."

She is taking away the only excuse I have to see Riku but I have no choice.

"Hum... I'll... I'll come back tomorrow after school then?" I tell her unsurely, holding out Riku's homework.

"Of course, boy." Her answer seems automatic and a wrinkle is apparent in the middle of her forehead. She is worried.

"Good evening, Mrs Ogawa."

"Good evening, Sora"

She closes the door slowly without looking at me, deep in thoughts.

I stand there for a little while, not knowing what to think. I thought I would be able to see Riku to know exactly what was wrong, but his own mother does not seem to know exactly what the problem is. Is he really upset about yesterday? Or is there something else entirely? Is Mrs Ogawa's worries just about a physical illness Riku caught between yesterday afternoon and today?

I finally walk slowly back to my house, going straight to my room. I let my bag fall to the ground and look at the window. Usually, I could see Riku from here but, today, his curtain is down.

It never is. Even during the night. Riku does not really like to be in darkness.

Having the certainty now that he is shutting me out, I feel bad. The kind of bad that prevents me from doing or thinking about anything else. I lay in my bed, hands under my head, staring at the ceiling and going in circles in my own mind. My heart is an indecipherable mess of feelings that go to one extreme to another. I feel restless. I stand up, walking in my room without knowing why, just to lay down again. I can't even concentrate on my homework. I keep throwing glances at the window irreparably clashing with the closed curtain of Riku's room.

After an evening of doing nothing, Mom calls me for dinner. It gives me a goal at least, walking with a destination in mind for once, even if it is as stupid as walking to the kitchen.

Waiting for Mom to fill my plate with a delicious looking stew, I stay subdued and silent. I know that I usually animate the meals. I always love dinner time: it is a private little moment where I can just be me. My parents, mostly my mom, are not under the Ogawa's influence when we are alone. I can even feel like they are happy to have me, contrary to when Riku is with me and with his parents in the same room. Of course, it happens the dinner goes downhill when Riku is being the subject of discussion, but with time I've learned to lead the topics like an experienced sailor know where to steer his ship.

Tonight, of course, things are different. My mom, surprised at my silence, is trying to make me talk by throwing different random topics to begin a conversation. My dad actually responds, probably thrown out at hearing nothing. I really have no desire to talk and stay resolutely closed off to my mom's attempts. I eat quickly and get back to my room.

Surprisingly enough, she has not mentioned Riku even once, whereas he is the only one I can think of. For once, I would have liked to talk about him with someone. I just know that there is no one with whom I could talk about him. There is no one I can think of that knows Riku and me sufficiently to help in my situation. No one could help but Riku himself.

Enough sulking. The next day I'm at school staring hard at a vacant place. A weird feeling of anger mixed with impatience takes hold of me. I hear nothing during my classes, the only thing I could think of is Riku. I need to see Riku. I have never felt that way before. For once in my life, I need to act. It is nothing like the anger that I felt the other day when I had my argument with my best friend. It is a completely different kind of anger and I am absently thinking that it is a record for me to feel so much differently angry in such a short amount of time.

Feeling restless, unable to endure another class and with my legs jumping continuously in a nervous and impatient movement, I tell Roxas that I will skip the last history class.

I need to see him now.

Running back home, running like I've never ran before, breathing heavy but controlled, I stop myself under Riku's room, staring at the closed window.

Knowing that at this hour, Riku's parents would not be here, I pound on the door, having barely enough willpower to not try to break the door down. No one answers.

"Rikuuu, open the door!" I pound stronger on the door, the hard wood hurting by hand.

There is no response and when I take some steps back to see the house entirely, I see that the curtain on Riku's room had just been drawn.

He is there and is clearly refusing to talk to me.

Well... too bad for him because I am far too pissed off to just leave like that. I have skipped classes for Heaven's sake! No stupid piece of fabric will stop me now.

Regaining my breathing, I stare at the window with determination. Riku's room is on the first floor which is rather high and inappropriate for climbing. Luckily, there is the famous tree that separates both our houses, the one whose branches are growing between our rooms, turning into a metaphorical connection between the two of us.

Little, Riku could climb the tree until the third big branch. Once older, he made it to the fourth, which was thinner and high enough to make a fall quite dangerous. As far as I am concerned, I have never been a fan of climbing and heights, to the point that even our competitive spirit could not make me try to go higher than the second branch. Trying to climb on the third, once, had been disastrous.

But that was a long time ago. I had little legs back then and... I will refrain from thinking of comments about my current height. I can do this.

Climbing the branches until Riku's window. I can definitely do it.

I look closely at the tree and begin my ascension without wasting time. A little awkwardly at first, I manage to heave myself up on the first big branch, finding good pressure points for my legs and hands. Soon, my limbs are shaking a little and I think absently that, despite my physical activities, my fear of heights is stronger than I had first thought: falling from that third branch made me scared of climbing.

Whatever, frowning in so much determination that my face will probably stick like that forever, I put my feet higher and heave myself on a higher point, managing to catch the second branch with my left hand. With a great effort – and resolutely looking higher – I put both my feet on the second branch which is as far as I have ever been.

This is a small victory, but that was the easy part. The distance between the second branch and the third is great. Squeezing the hard and coarse wood in my hands, I brace my feet on the trunk and climb at almost a 90° angle. One step, two steps and the third was the charm. Okay. Deep breath, stay calm, focus, do not look below. Okay. My feet is getting numb, I need to move. Blocking my foot in the narrow space between two branches, I heave myself higher using the force of my arms that is, quite honestly, nothing much.

Despite my girlish strength, the manoeuvre is a success and I quickly put my other foot on the big third branch. Taking a deep breath again, I follow the path to the fourth branch, getting far higher than I thought I would have ever been able to climb.

The higher I get, the more frighten I am but, at the same time, the more determined I become. I can see Riku's window nearer than ever, like the incredible lost treasure we imagined when little.

The branch I am on is thinning. I cautiously move forward, little by little, branch squeezed between my thighs, hands holding tightly, fingers hurting against the rough bark of the tree.

When the branch gets too thin to bear my weight, I very slowly stand on my two feet to catch another branch higher. I need to get to the window. Three little steps afterwards and feeling far from reassured after a look downward, I put a foot on the windowsill, managing to lean on it and bringing my second foot on it. Now I am in a weird position where my hands are still holding on a thin branch like a lifeline (which actually is) while my feet are on the windowsill, with my back awkwardly bent backwards.

Mission accomplished. I have just arrived at Riku's window by climbing on a tree. Now... what?

Good question indeed.

I use my foot to bang against Riku's window. It is super hot today, why the hell would he let his window closed? The curtain, I can understand... but the window? It's not like he expects me to come through it, does he?

"Riku! Open the door! Err... window!"

Bang bang bang!

I will break the freaking window if he does not open it right now.

I hear (more than see because my head is too high to face the window) the curtain being drawn back. Riku is now facing the... lower part of my body. When he lowers himself a little to look higher, his eyes are wide and his mouth a little ajar. I would have been proud and laugh at his expression knowing it is myself that put it there. I just realize that me feeling proud usually is linked with Riku, just like my feelings of destroyed confidence. I just focus on the latter most of the time.

Anyway, the pride could wait, my arms are getting tired and my phobia of height is coming back with a vengeance.

Riku quickly opens the window, too surprised to remember sulking.

"Err... hi Riku."

"Hi" he answers automatically, his mesmerizing green eyes still wide with incomprehension.

"Riku I..."

I what? What was I going to say when banging on his door and window like that? I did not expect saying anything in that position and my brain is not working correctly, it is just poking itself internally and repeating 'you do realize you're going to fall any minute from now?' and damn, it is so high...

"Riku... I'm scared..." I whimper and almost cry realizing my hands are slipping, fingertips bleeding from holding the branch so tightly.

It brings Riku back into action: he put his arms, so strong and muscled compared to mine, around my middle, and he efficiently brings me through the window and into his room. My arms are around his neck, trying to bring myself as close as possible to safety. Because Riku has always been a synonym of safety for me. As long as he is here, everything is okay.

"Wow... hehe... got scared a little back there, he..." my hands are still gripping Riku's upper arms to steady myself. I am shaking, I just realize that I climbed a tree I never thought I could climb. All of that... just to get to Riku. Nothing was more important than that.

Riku looks concerned for me. He let me breath, still as surprised as me to see me climbing that giant tree. And succeeding no less. His hair is slightly dishevelled, he wears a simple pair of cotton grey pants and a loose t-shirt that it's many years old. He is not the Riku that everyone knows, the neatly trimmed Riku, relaxed and charming and always ready for anything. Right now, this is my Riku, the one I have always known, the one who could be surprised, who likes to stay in his pyjamas at home, the stubborn and sore loser Riku, the one that is human just like any other, the one that is not perfect, he is less than perfect, he is amazing.

"I don't hate you, you know?"

It is the first thing I have to clear up. How could I ever hate him? I'd forgotten it for a moment: the way other people see him, the way he behaves just to please everyone, that's not his true self. I know his true self, and he is fragile; he used to show it to me. How could I've forgotten? My best friend Riku? Even his mother does not know him like I do. No one does.

"I'm sorry Riku. I've been stupid, it was cowardly of me. I should have told you. It's not you I want to leave. I don't want to leave you. It was stupid to think I wanted to leave you because I don't want to. I... I need you Riku, really. It sounds stupid but you're too important and please, forgive me, don't be mad at me, don't ignore me, please, I'm nothing without you, please..."

I realize that I'm crying, wet tickling on my cheeks cannot be anything else but tears. During my rant, I have gripped Riku's arms tighter, not to keep myself standing but to desperately try to make him understand and believe what I have to say.

"I just... got so tired of hearing them all, you know? And... it's like you get to have everything I wish for. I've never confronted you about it but I should have had... I should have had, because it began bubbling inside when..."

"Sora..."

"Kairi!" I cry out, half in anger, half in misery. "Why? You knew I was enamoured with her, it could have been something but you just had to take her away from me. Why? You wanted to hurt me? You were already in love with her for a while and never told me? Why? Sometimes, I just don't get you, I don't know what you feel, what you think... the more people raise you as a god, the more I feel you're distancing yourself from me. Tell me I'm wrong, tell me I'm still your best friend, not because next to me you look good but because you really like who I am. Tell me..."

I hide my head in his shirt, sharp sobs escaping from me sometimes, I sniff in an attempt to keep from crying completely. I feel reassured because his arms envelop me soothingly.

"I've never wanted to hurt you, Sora." His voice is soft. And deep, when has it gotten so deep? It's like I realize only now that he is a man. We grew up, he probably more than I, I have always been so immature...

"I just realized... some important things and it made things different, in a way. I know, my parents and some of our friends have been awful with you, saying things about how great I am supposed to be. But I'm not. I only try to look good... for you, Sora, no one else."

For me? Why would he feel the need to look so good just for me, I'm not pressuring him into anything, am I? I look up at him, trying to get more precisions.

"I didn't like Kairi. I mean, she was a nice girl, but she meant nothing to me. I saw that she could mean a lot to you. And you know I'm selfish... I didn't want you to leave me just because you had a girlfriend. You're so easily swayed Sora!" he says that with a little frustration, breaking eye contact with me, maybe in fear I would get angry at him. "Girls can make a guy turn crazy! I could just see you, poor little Sora, enamoured with a coquette teenage girl who realizes she has power over her boyfriend, who would do everything for her until she gets tired of him. I know you would have, you would have felt so guilty about making her angry or sad, that you would have obeyed to everything she would've asked you. It would have been a disaster. I didn't want that to happen with you. I despise those kinds of relationships. So I just thought... if she really was serious, nothing would come in between you two. And I think I was right to have done what I did. Look: I just had to flirt with her a little and she completely forgot about you and accepted to go out with me. You understand, Sora? She would have made you sad, nothing good would have come out of it."

How should I feel about that? I mean, he did it only to prevent me from going out with Kairi just as I thought, but he did it for my well-being.

...

My brain is in a stupor. Only Riku could think about me being so mentally weak that I couldn't take care of myself or break up a terrible relationship... That was my decision to make, dang it! But at the same time, I can't feel that angry at Riku. It happened a long time ago, and it is almost funny to see that he is such a worrywart...

"That's fucked up Riku" I mutter softly, head still in his shirt.

"Yeah... I kind of realize it..."

"You know I wouldn't have put you away just because I would have had a girlfriend. And I would have ended it myself if she should have been too annoying."

"Sure..." he tells me jokingly.

"I really would have..." I say stubbornly. Deep down, I know Riku is right, it would have taken me an awful long time to end a relationship. He knows me well...

"I... I wanted to keep you... just... for me."

I blink, trying to understand what he is trying to say.

"But you have me" I answer softly.

"Not... the way I truly want"

I look up again. His eyes are a tiny bit narrowed, not in anger, but in contemplation, they were wishful. And a little sad, too. He raises one hand, that was on my back, to my hair, ruffling very softly, pulling strands out of my eyes to better look at them.

"Riku?"

"I was the coward... I never told you, even when I realized I was homosexual. I looked at you differently, or rather, I knew you weren't just my best friend. I wanted more, I want more."

My mouth opens a little and I feel his hands, the one still on my back and the one in my hair, squeezing me more tightly.

"I couldn't stand to see you with her, with anyone. And when you started spending so much time with Roxas, I..."

I wince a little when he pulls on my hair too hard. Riku... gay? And he likes me... that way? And that was for a long while? I never saw it coming. How dumb could I be?

"Roxas is really nice..." I tell dumbly, kind of lost for words. I realized just after pronouncing those words that it was not the smartest thing to say.

"Yeah... nice isn't really a fitting qualifier for me, huh?"

"No! I mean, he is a really good friend. He... helped me a lot, cheering me up when I was down and all. I like him, I mean, I really appreciate his friendship."

I think Riku understood but his face is still a little closed off. He seems to be the jealous type. It is kind of cute, Riku always seems untouchable that you could barely trigger those kind of emotions out of him. He knows how to hide it very well anyway. For me, he does not seem to make the effort.

"You're going to leave?"

I blink several times. Why would I leave? Riku is far warmer than what he looks.

"Why? I'm fine like that."

He smiles at that. I love the way it changes his face completely.

"I mean, to Traverse Town..."

The smile is off again, leaving sadness behind.

"Well... I kind of got used to the idea of seeing another town... why don't you come with me?" I perk up at the idea. In a town where no one knew us, the comparison will stop, Riku will be with me and we'll get to study what we want. That would be great!

His face is neutral for a little while, processing the information. He is telling himself, 'why not?'

"Why not?"

I grin, loving the idea already. I step back a little, looking at him while standing back.

"Come home for dinner tonight! You can talk about it to your parents and tell me how it went. We'll make projects then!"

He smiles and nods slowly. "Okay."

I grin in answer and walk back to the window. I am feeling so elated it is preposterous.

"Sora! You dork, you don't have to go back through the window." He says while advancing towards me.

"It's okay Riku." I turn back towards him, my legs already outside. "I have wings now."

He blinks at me with a lost look. I do not let him time to think about it, I kiss him chastely on his lips. I keep it short, just long enough for Riku to have time to press back a little. When I pull away, I smile at him my biggest smile and I jump.

I really jump.

Why was I so scared climbing up? It is not that high. It is like I cannot fall. I grip one branch and then another, lower and lower, and I jump down the rest of the way, with an agility unknown until now.

"Sora!"

I roll down in the grass and stand up. Hearing Riku afraid is so very foreign... I raise my arms in the air, showing him I am alright.

"Told ya, Riku! Love makes me fly! See ya tonight!" I wave and ran back to my house. I am so happy, I run while laughing by myself.

I feel like the huge shadow that has been strangling my heart little by little just faded away. I will not have to endure that nonsense anymore. I will not be my passive pitiful self anymore. I will act to build my own happiness. I will make Roxas and Riku, at least, stand each other. I will make Riku come with me to Traverse Town. I will make Riku happy, and myself at the same time. I cannot believe it...

Riku, in love with me...

The future, for once in a long time, looks very bright.

XXX

"Hey, could you please put your arse aside? Some of us are holding heavy things here."

"You have some sass saying that, that must be the first box you're bringing inside since the beginning!"

"Of course, only the Great Riku is working while us useless beings are just wasting space."

"I never said Sora was a waste of space. You, on the other hand, you-"

"Hey guys! This is kind of big, no? The room looked smaller on the photo! Wow! The view is great!"

"Just wait a week and you won't be able to bear the sight of us anymore"

"Noooo! I'll never get tired of you two! What a weird idea, Roxas!"

Sora flung himself at Riku and Roxas, one arm around each neck, grinning at the prospect of living there with his two favourite boys.

"Is there a fourth guy joining us, in the end?"

"Yes. I received a mail yesterday. He should come by today."

"Any details?"

"A third year medical student. Name's Axel."

"Medic... another psycho..." muttered Roxas.

The End

A/N: This is it folks! I hope you enjoyed the story. It was more work than I planned it to be but whatever... If someone is tempted to write an AkuRoku based on that story as a sequel, feel free to do it :) Just warn me, so that I can read it XD