The Penny Drops Paradigm

Not everything is as it first appears. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

" … I have to say that this is odd," Penny was saying as she guided her guest up the stairs. "No-one has ever said that they wanted to meet Howard Wolowitz before. Had some friends who wanted me to point him out so they could avoid him, but I guess that's not really the same thing, is it?"

Her friend, Mark, laughed. "I guess it depends on what you appreciate," he said.

Penny opened the door to 4A. Leonard, Howard and Raj were playing a computer game on the television, while Bernadette read a magazine in the kitchenette. Leonard and Howard mumbled a greeting to her.

"I have an announcement," she said. "An old friend of mine, Mark Williams, is visiting and when I mentioned Howard Wolowitz he said he had to meet him."

Everyone stopped and looked at her.

"You mean … our … Howard Wolowitz?" said Leonard.

"My … Howard Wolowitz?" said Bernadette. She stared at Mark. She took a little breath. A handsome fellow, if you liked tall, muscular, well-dressed, and confident-looking.

Mark walked up to Howard and shook his hand. "Very pleased to meet you," he said. "I've been following your work to date, and it's very impressive."

"Oh, you mean the space shuttle thing?" said Howard. "It's nothing, really."

"Hardly," said Mark. "As I see it, it's remarkable. But I don't just mean the flight, I mean the equipment you've designed as well."

"The zero-gravity toilet?" said Leonard.

"It's … just a toilet," said Howard.

"You can look at it that way, or you can see it as something absolutely essential to the mission," said Mark.

"Well, sure, I suppose you can," said Howard. He gestured for Mark to sit down. He did – in Sheldon's Spot.

"How come you know about it?" said Leonard. "Are you in that line of work?"

"No, I write a column for a magazine about … lifestyle things," said Mark. "But the guy who sits next to me is the science writer for the magazine, and he talks about it a lot, and it got me interested."

"Oh, you're Mark Williams, the magazine columnist?" said Bernadatte. "I read you all the time. But I thought you were based in New York."

"Yes, I am, but I'm here in California to discuss some syndication offers," said Mark.

"And you know Penny as well?" said Leonard.

"We went to school together," said Penny. "But he lit out for New York when he was, what, seventeen or so. Is that right?"

"Pretty right," said Mark. "Hey, have you guys seen Penny's commercial?"

"Many times," said Leonard.

"I think it's great," said Mark. "Whenever I think of haemorrhoids, I think of Penny."

"How sweet," said Penny.

The door opened and Sheldon and Amy came in.

Sheldon immediately said: "I don't know who you are, but you're in my spot."

"Well, I can see why you like it," said Mark. "Not too warm, no draft, good television view, and easy conversation access."

"That is why it is my spot," said Sheldon.

"Hello," rasped Amy to Mark. Her tongue was not … exactly … hanging out.

"Mark, this is Doctor … well, actually, they're all doctors."

"Except Howard," said Sheldon. "I'm a theoretical physicist, by the way."

"So have you actually done anything useful?" said Mark.

"It is my intention to use science to draw back the curtains of our mundane existence and reveal the face of God," said Sheldon.

"That's actually a no," said Leonard.

"You're still in my spot," said Sheldon.

Mark turned to Penny. "I know you said you were going to give me a tour of the town," he said. "But would it be alright if Bernadette and Amy came with us? Then later I would be happy to buy the three of you dinner and … say, if there somewhere good in Pasadena to go dancing?"

"Eep," said Amy.

"So you'll be leaving soon, then?" said Sheldon.

"I'd love to," said Bernadette.

"Uh, well, okay," said Penny.

"Should I change?" said Bernadette.

"Don't change a thing," said Mark. "You look lovely just as you are."

"Well, anyway, we can freshen up at my place," said Penny. She led the girls out.

Mark, much to Sheldon's relief, got up and drew Leonard aside.

"May I ask," he said, "are you and Penny, you know, seeing each other?"

"Uh, well, yes and no, I mean, sort of," said Leonard. "More yes than no. Maybe."

"Oh," said Mark. "That's a pity. Well, thanks for telling me."

The three girls came back, a bit spruced up. They left, chattering to Mark.

"Well," said Raj, "if I was any of you three I would be worried. Really worried."

"About what?" said Sheldon, now firmly ensconced in his spot.

"Maybe … he's just a friendly guy," said Leonard. "I mean, he asked me if I was seeing Penny, and he seemed disappointed when I said I was."

"Why did you say that?" said Sheldon.

"Obviously it's Bernadette he's really interested in," said Howard.

"I don't think so," said Sheldon.

"You think he's interested in Amy?" said Leonard.

"Why would anyone be interested in Amy?" said Sheldon.

"True," said Raj.

"But he did say some nice things to me," said Howard. "And he has a nice handshake."

"And right now Mr Handshake is out on the town with your girlfriends," said Raj. "With dancing."

"Dancing," said Leonard.

"Oy vey," said Howard.

It was the next morning. Leonard carefully opened the door to Penny's apartment with his emergency key and peeped in. Howard pushed him aside a little so he could see.

Mark was making breakfast in the kitchen. It smelled … very good. He saw them and gestured for them to come in.

"But be quiet," he said. "The girls are still in asleep. They had a bit too much to drink, I think."

"Oh," said Leonard. "And … you stayed here last night then?"

"Well, by the time they were all in bed it was a bit too late for me to go back to my hotel," said Mark. "So … here I am."

"So … here you are," said Howard.

"Would you like some breakfast?" said Mark.

"It certainly smells good," said Leonard. Mark began to spoon delightfully scrambled eggs onto plates.

"Uh, you remember me saying that Penny and I are … seeing each other, right?"

"Yes, I do."

"Okay, just checking."

Sheldon, wearing his dressing-gown, came in. "Leonard, why are you here?" he said. "My, those eggs smell good."

"Would you like some?" said Mark.

"It's Tuesday," said Sheldon.

"That means no," said Leonard.

Penny appeared, rather hungover-looking, at the door of her bedroom. "Why are you guys here?" she said.

"I have no idea," said Sheldon.

"I thought … that there might be an emergency," said Leonard.

"No, no emergency, unless you count too many margaritas and too much dancing," said Penny. "Mark here is a great dancer. And a great cook. And a great, well, lot of things. Such a shame that he's not … available."

"Oh, do you have a girlfriend in New York?" said Howard.

"Of course not," said Mark.

Bernadette and Amy appeared next to Penny. Bernadette looked annoyingly bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Amy looked like hammered excrement.

"Hello Amy," said Sheldon.

"Mmph grumph," said Amy, holding her head.

"Mark, I hope you didn't mind the couch," said Penny.

"The couch?" said Leonard. "Er, I mean: the couch!?"

"Of course not," said Mark.

"Like I said: the couch!?" said Leonard.

"It does look a little small for four," said Howard.

"You guys might have the wrong idea here," said Penny. "For geniuses you are not very smart."

"Howard isn't even a doctor," put in Sheldon.

"Good dancer, good cook, biceps to kill for, margaritas, no girlfriend … what does that say to you, Leonard?" said Penny.

"And don't forget that he lives in New York," said Sheldon. "Or I suppose it might have been San Francisco."

"You've never read any of his lifestyle columns?" said Bernadette. "By which I mean 'lifestyle' columns."

Leonard and Howard both looked blank. Then Howard said: "San Francisco! I get it!"

"Oh!" said Leonard. "Oh, I get it too … I think. But Mark, why did you ask me about Penny?"

"I wasn't asking about Penny," said Mark. "I was asking about you."

"Oh," said Leonard. Then: "Oh!" He turned to Penny and beamed. "How about that?" he said.

"Leonard, just where did you get your PhD from?" said Sheldon.

"And how did you know this?" said Howard to him.

"I am, as you will recall, from Texas," said Sheldon. "Where children are born with gaydar."

"Oh dear," said Amy. "Uh, Mark, about that thing that I vaguely remember saying – "

"Don't worry about it," said Mark. "I was flattered. Not interested, but flattered."

"Damn," said Amy. "I suppose."

Mark looked at his watch. "Well, I hate to cook and run, but I have meetings I have to get to," he said.

They went into the hallway.

Mark shook Howard's hand. "Keep up the good work," he said. He shook Sheldon's hand. "Keep up … with whatever it is you do," he said.

Sheldon said: "I use science to draw back the curtains of – "

Mark turned to Leonard. "Let me know if you change your mind," he said. "Or if you decide that Penny's not treating you right."

"Uh, yeah, sure," said Leonard, as they shook hands.

With a charming wave, he left.

Bernadatte and Amy went into 4B and Sheldon and Howard went into 4A, leaving Penny and Sheldon looking at each other.

"Well, I guess that means you should start treating me … right," said Leonard.

"I can call him back if you want," said Penny.

"So how exactly did you find out?" said Leonard.

"I don't want to talk about it," said Penny.

"Now I think about it," said Leonard, "neither do I."

END