Crackfic! Very crazy- not even sure where this came from out of my head, but this is what little sleep and lots of test anxiety will do to you. My first Supernatural fic. so be warned.

Season 5, during 5x01. Spoilers Season 1-5. Sam never left Stanford, Jess never died, John's alive, Dean is best friends with some of the archangels (and Cas, of course). Gabriel has brain damage and Lucifer (really, really) likes cherry cobbler. Hope you have yourself a laugh!

Disclaimer: I own nothing (sadly! Not even Dean, Gabriel, or Cas. :'( )

"Dad?" the word fell out of his mouth so naturally that Sam was surprised as he stepped aside, allowing his father into his apartment. "What are you doing here?"

"Have you heard from your brother lately?"

"No. Dean hardly calls me anymore." John cursed quietly under his breath before he looked up at his younger son and Sam could see just how scared his father was. Dean really wasn't answering his phone? "Why wasn't he with you?"

The older hunter looked down, flipping though the papers in the folder lying on the table. "He was on a hunt in New Harmony, Indiana. Said he was hunting a demon. I think he went after something a whole lot bigger without backup."

"How long?" John looked up. "How long has he been gone?"

"He disappeared in May... of last year. I pooled every resource into trying to find him, but it's like he doesn't want to be found."

"Since last year?" Sam shrieked, "Why the hell didn't you tell me this last year when he first went missing?"

"I didn't want to worry you over nothing." They both knew that wasn't it, but neither correct his statement. John just didn't want to suck up his pride and come to Sam.

"What was he hunting?" John tossed Sam the folder, and the college student opened it up.

"It's name is Lilith. He had made some questions about it in passing to Bobby. Lilith is one of the biggest players in town, the first demon."

"What?" Sam choked, "Bobby didn't think it was necessary to tell you when Dean started asking about that?"

"We've all been busy, Sam. Things have gotten pretty bad the past couple of months. I had located the Colt from-"

"Wait, the Colt, like the Colt. The gun that can kill everything?"

"The same. I had tracked it down to Daniel Elkins, an old vampire hunter who had it. The Colt had been stolen from him about a month before I got there. Next, I tracked down the demon that killed your mother, found it dead. I couldn't find Lilith, but my guess is Dean had. In Pontiac, Illinois, a little over a month ago, some people reported this bright light shooting straight into the sky, in the middle of the day. I went to where everyone said the light originated and everything in a two-mile radius is flattened. In the center, there's a perfect circle where everything, except this cross, has been burnt. There was a grave there, but whatever the thing was crawled out of it. Then, crazy things have been happening, have you seen it on the news?"

"You mean like that teacher who killed sixty-six students in New York on the same day that ten species went extinct in Key West, which also happened on the same day that that fishing crew in Alaska went out and all came back blind?"

"Yes. They were signs."

"Of what?"

"The apocalypse."

"The apocalypse! And you waited until now to tell me this?" Sam stared openly at his father.

"We were trying to figure out what caused it. There was a second of those column of lights, this one in Ilchester, Massachusetts. Bobby thinks that it was the sign before the cage that the devil is in opened up." A knock came from the front door, causing John and Sam to both look up. "Expecting company?"

Sam shook his head. "Jess, my girlfriend, she was staying with her friend tonight, so no." He went to answer it anyways. There stood a blonde lady, so excited she was having trouble breathing. "You okay, lady?"

"Sam…is it really you?" Sam glanced back at his father who shrugged as the lady stepped closer, placing a hand on his chest. "And you're so firm."

"Uh, do I know you?" The lady pulled back and Sam stared, confused by the whole thing.

"No. But I know you. You're Sam Winchester. And you're—" She looked at John, "—not what I pictured. I'm Becky." She pushed past Sam into his living room. "I read all about you guys and Dean. And I've even written a few—" She glanced down, giggling a little, "Anyway, Mr. Edlund told me where you were."

"Who's Mr. Edlund?" Sam asked his father.

"He wrote some book series. These kids I met told me about it. I was on a hunt and they thought I was larking-"

"I think you mean LARPing," Becky corrected. "Anyways, Mr. Edlund got a message, but he's being watched. Angels. Nice change-up to the mythology, by the way. The demon stuff was getting kind of old."

Sam nodded, still staring at her like she was speaking a foreign language. "Right. Just, um...what's the message?"

"He had a vision. 'The Michael sword is on earth. The angels lost it.'" Both Winchesters stared at her confused, "Mr. Edlund said he is a Prophet of God."

"The Michael sword? Becky, does… Mr. Edlund… know where it is?" John asked her.

She nodded, beaming, "In a castle, on a hill made of forty-two dogs."

"Forty-two dogs? Are...you sure you got that right?" She shrugged at Sam's question.

"It doesn't make sense, but that's what he said." She stepped closer to Sam, "I memorized every word." She reached her hand up and touched Sam's chest. "For you."

"Um, Becky, c—uh, can you...quit touching me? I have a girlfriend." At Becky's excited look, he added, "Her name is Jess and I love her a lot, so I'd really appreciate it if you quit touching me."

Becky sighed, stepping back. As she turned to leave, John called out to her, "Becky, have you or this Mr. Edlund seen Dean in the past year?"

She looked up, nodding excitedly. "He and Mr. Edlund and that handsome guy in the trench coat saved me from Lilith when she came to try to open one of the Seals that I'm not really clear why I was involved, but you see, Lilith had to leave because Mr. Edlund has an archangel who protects him because he's a Prophet. How cool is that?" John nodded slowly.

"When was this?"

"Oh, like four months ago. I was so excited to find out it was real and that Dean was okay because in Mr. Edlund's last book, Dean went to Hell after he made a deal with this crossroads demon to find Azazel, the yellow-eyed demon, before he sent Brady, who by the way, is possessed, to kill Jess which would otherwise send Sam hunting where he would ultimately get killed by this guy, Jake, who is one of Azazel's special children, before he opened the Devil's Gate in Wyoming, but Dean showed up and got the Colt back and shot Azazel with it. The crossroad demon only gave him one year, because they really wanted his soul in Hell so that he could open the first Seal because it was 'A righteous man must spill blood in Hell' and so I cried through the last book, but now I'm so happy because Castiel, the angel, he went on a siege into Hell and resurrected Dean because 'God commanded it.'" The two Winchesters stared in horror at her. Becky's smile dropped off her face."Wait, you didn't know that?"

Sam turned to John, angry. "This is all your fault."

She shrunk back. "I'm just going to go now. It was nice meeting you, Sam." She walked quickly out the door.

"You had to become obsessed over hunting and it led Dean to go to Hell! For what? Some little location on a demon. How is that worth going to Hell over? And if you hadn't enforced in his head that the hunt comes first, he wouldn't have done something stupid like that! He got brought back from Hell and he didn't even think to tell us!"

John looked down, shamefaced.

Sam sighed loudly, some time later, "So…sword of Michael, huh? You think we're talking about the actual sword from the actual archangel?" His father stared at him.

"We better hope so. Bobby gave me this. It's a little known translation of Revelations." He opened a book he had brought in to a painting of Michael surrounded by other angels. In this painting, Michael looked like a winged woman and the other angels looked like naked babies with wings. "That's Michael. Toughest son of a b-h they got." Sam flipped the page to another painting. Again, Michael had a feminine face.

"He looks like a girl."

John snorted, "Maybe, but I wouldn't want to meet him in a dark alley. He commands the heavenly host. During the last war in Heaven, he's the one who kicked Lucifer into Hell. Did it with that sword." He pointed to the sword painted in Michael's hand. "So if we can find it and find your brother, we might have a chance at stopping this thing."

"All right. So, where do we start?"

John plopped a book in from of Sam. "Start reading. Let's try to make sense of this Edlund person's nonsense." It was the most peaceful conversation he could ever remember having with his father. "Forty-two dogs…" John muttered suddenly and Sam looked up. He watched his father rummage through his bag, pulling out a plastic Ziplock bag that was full of cards. "Castle Storage, 42 Rover Hill."

"What's that?" Sam asked.

"It's a lock-up I have in upstate New York. I've kept... certain items there."

"Supernatural items?" the younger Winchester questioned, "Like possibly Michael's sword?"

"There's a lot of things there. It's possible."

"Okay. Let's go," Sam said, scribbling down a note to Jess on and putting it on the fridge. He ran upstairs, packing a light bag. When he came downstairs, John was staring at him, stunned. "What?"

"I didn't think you'd want to come."

"He's my brother, Dad. If I was Dean right now, I know he'd drop everything to come help me."

It was several hours later that John's truck pulled up in front of Castle Storage. The two got out, loading their guns and went up to the storage. John unlocked it as Sam stood watch. They entered, shotguns at the ready. They found dead demons sprawled across the floor.

"And to think...they could have grabbed it any time they wanted," John heard a stranger's voice speak. John held up his hand to Sam, the two of them crouching low behind the shelves, before the door closed behind them, "It was right in front of them. We may have planted that particular piece of prophecy inside Chuck's skull, but it happened to be true. We did lose the Michael sword. We truly couldn't find it. Until now. You've just hand-delivered it to us."

There was a scoff, this sound familiar to them, "Like we're going to just hand it up."

"So you do know where it is?" There was a laugh and the sound of footsteps.

"No, but he does." There was silence.

"Do we know you?" the man who John couldn't recognize asked.

"I don't know. Do you?" the new voice asked.

There was another long pause. "You are going to hand over the sword."

"Yeah, maybe," they heard Dean say, "But, on the other hand... Eat me. The answer's no."

"Okay. How about this? Your friend Bobby—we know he's gravely injured. Say yes, and we'll heal him. Say no, he'll never walk again." Sam glanced at John who was looking up in shock.

"No," Dean's voice came again.

"Then how about we heal you from...stage-four stomach cancer?" John's eyes widened and there was a pause, "What the-?"

"Yeah, sorry, your angel mojo doesn't really work on me anymore."

"Then let's get really creative. Uh, let's see how…" he paused, "your friend here does without his lungs." There was another pause. "Bite me!" the man yelled.

"Maybe later, big boy," the man who had joined Dean responded.

A bright light flashed, causing the men to all turn to face it as one of the men collapsed with a bloody hole in his throat, a man in a tan trench coat behind him. A second man appeared, touching the other man that stood beside the head man on the forehead, light flaring out of his eyes and mouth. The man stared as the two who had appeared walked closer. In the background, Dean and the first man were still and silent. John and Sam were frozen, watching.

"How are you…"

"Alive? That's a good question. How did Dean end up on that airplane? Another good question. 'Cause the angels didn't do it. I think we both know the answer, don't we?" the trench coat man, as John had taken to mentally referring to him as, spoke.

"No. That's not possible."

"It scares you. Well, it should. Now, leave them alone and go. I won't ask twice." The second man gave a wide grin that chilled the elder hunter to the bone.

"And if you do not stop bothering them, well, shall we just leave it at not all the stories about me are as greatly over exaggerated as you may think?" The man who had been asking for the sword paled and vanished.

"You two need to be more careful," trench coat man said to Dean and the other.

"Yeah, I get that, Cas. How did you get put back together? Chuck said that Raphael had played exploding snap with you." Trench coat man, a.k.a. Cas, tilted his head at Dean.

"And don't say Daddy did," the man who had first joined Dean spoke, "Because all of us know Dad has left the building."

"Yes, well," the fourth man spoke, "Perhaps we should just send Death up to Heaven. He could reap the lot of them in one round, Raphael included, and then, our problems would be solved."

Dean snorted, "Dude, update your vocabulary. I know it's been a few thousand years, but Cas sounds more normal that you do. And Gabriel here-"

"It's Loki!" the first of the men yelled at Dean, "It's called Witness Protection for a reason. And do you know how the pagans will react if they find out I'm an angel?"

"Gabriel has been-"

"I've been riding the pine a long time."

"Dude! Will you quit interrupting me?"

"What?" Gabriel cried, "I'm feeling inspired!"

"Oh no!" the man who Dean thought should update his vocabulary muttered. "I get let out to hear my brother fight with this hairless ape?"

"Hey!" Gabriel shouted, "People aren't hairless apes! A lot of them try. To do better, to forgive. And you should see the Spearmint Rhino!"

"Can archangels get brain damage?" Dean asked the other two. John and Sam watched Cas shrug and the other man look on thoughtfully.

"I wonder how hard he hit his head when he jumped out of Heaven to go into this 'Witness Protection' of his," the man muttered. "Perhaps this will work." Everyone, with the exception of Gabriel and the man, stared at them, watching to see what he'd do. Suddenly, the man grabbed him by the shoulders and shook the archangel. "Snap your head out of it, Little Brother! Come on! Our brother's expecting the apocalypse here and who ever said I wanted to bring on the apocalypse? We need to do something before the world ends! Everyone is expecting me to destroy it! Why? Why would I want to destroy this stunning thing? Beautiful in a trillion different ways. The last perfect handiwork of God. And my brother? Why would I want to kill my brother? And for what? One of Dad's tests. And we don't even know the answer."

"We're being watched…" Cas spoke suddenly. All three of the others eyes snapped to him. The angel tilted his head. "There are people behind the shelves."

John stood as the four vanished and they were alone with the dead bodies on the floor. "What was that?" Sam asked him. "Tell me that wasn't who I think that was!"

"If you mean the Devil and the archangel Gabriel are friends with your brother, I'm not sure I can tell you it wasn't, because I'm still processing it myself."

The four appeared in a dinner in the middle of Missouri. "Good evening, sirs," an overly peppy waitress greeted, "Four today?" Cas nodded. "Right this way?"

They followed her and Lucifer stared at the specials board, which had the words "Cherry Cobbler" written under the dessert. "I'll take a cherry cobbler, please," he told the waitress. She paused.

"I'm sorry, sir, but you see, we ran out of the cobbler about ten minutes ago."

There was loud thunder in the air after that. Winds were rattling the building, threatening to tear off the roof. Lightning crashed. The temperature dropped twenty degrees. The ground began shaking and the lights flickered. People began running and screaming in panic, rushing from the restaurant than flipping their cars over. "I WANT MY CHERRY COBBLER!" the Devil shouted.

"Chill, bro, chill," Gabriel said, perfectly calm, flashing her a smile. "I'll take a hot chocolate, extra chocolate, extra whip cream, five sugars, and a bag of marshmallows." Her eyes widened and she ran out. Gabriel snapped his fingers and an apple pie appeared in front of Dean. Castiel had a hamburger in front of him. Lucifer stared down at the table before him where a piece of cherry cobbler had materialized in front of him. The storm outside calmed. The room warmed. The earthquakes stopped. The sun came out. Lucifer began to sob as he took a bite.

"It's perfect!"

If buttercups buzz'd after the bee
If boats were on land, churches on sea
If ponies rode men and if grass ate the cows
And cats should be chased into holes by the mouse
If the mamas sold their babies
To the Gypsies for half a crown
If summer were spring
And the other way 'round
Then all the world would be upside down!

The end...?

I told you, kind of crazy! Whatever, it's 12/12/12.

The title is from a possible song that the British may or may not have played at Yorktown during their 1781 defeat that ended the American Revolution. However, as I don't have an angel to take be back then, I couldn't even tell you if that is what they played or not. It is one of the songs thought to be played though, along with Yankee Doodle Dandy (and you guys all just thought was a little kid song!)

Tell me how you think I did!