A/N: It has been nearly a year since I updated this story and everybody has probably forgotten about it, or can't remember what's going on. It's a good job I can or we'd all be up shit creek without a paddle, a canoe and a tour guide hehe. I'm really sorry about taking so long to update and I do appreciate your patience in waiting for me to get my butt in gear. I made a life changing decision to go back to school and study for a degree, so the last year has been taken up with me trying to get back into academics after being out of school for so long. I haven't abandoned this story, I won't abandon it. I'm hoping I'll be able to get much more of it edited and posted now, since I have more time than I did. That said, I'll let you get on and read the next chapter. Hope you enjoy it and thanks once again for your all kind words, follows, favorites, reviews and your patience. You're all very kind and supportive, and each and every one of you is important to me, I couldn't write what I love without any of you :)

Disclaimer: The characters belong to TNT, Janet Tamaro, Jan Nash and all the other folks who are involved with the show. I write fanfiction for entertainment purposes and not for profit. Absolutely no copyright infringement is intended. Suing me would be pointless, I have nothing but the words in my head.

Chapter 8

Saturday, 22nd of December

Maura Isles understood from an intellectual point of view what a dilemma was. Webster's defined it several different ways, but the ways in which all of those definitions agreed was the fact that she had an important choice to make and neither option was perfect. From an emotional point of view, the situation was even less clear. Intellectually, she could use logic. Those logical thoughts moving in tandem designed to be a rebuttal to the one that came before it. She had argued with herself many times that way over the years, forcing herself to stand on both sides of the table and think of what the logical outcome would be given all of the variables she had been presented with. The absence of emotion in the past had made some decisions easier than they otherwise would have been.

This time, emotion played a huge part in the proceedings and Maura wasn't sure she could explain everything away so logically without it hurting so damn much. Jane loved her, that much was obvious. It had been proven time and time again over the years. That Jane was trustworthy had also been proven. So why did Maura find herself fearing trusting Jane so much now? Why was she still afraid when logically, she knew Jane would never do anything to hurt her?

Truthfully, she thought she had left all of this behind in the last few months when she'd spent such a long time soul-searching and sorting out her feelings in order to be in a place where she felt she was ready to be with Jane, both emotionally and physically. It hadn't taken very long for each and every single one of her insecurities and fears to flood back into her consciousness, and leave her feeling so afraid as to be almost paralyzed by it.

Maura had always had the sense that logic could never truly be applied to emotions; sometimes, they were wholly incompatible. Logic, true logic at least, could never be faulted. Emotions however, they were entirely a different beast altogether. Logic was borne of reasoning, of sound and informed judgement, and yet emotions could never expect to be anything other than a reaction caused by chemicals flooding the brain in response to what was happening around you, thereby skewing your perception of a situation depending on your feelings about it. Scientifically, emotions could be reduced to mere chemical response and yet Maura knew, could feel, that there was more at work than just that; Jane could never be explained away by a chemical response. Perhaps that was why her feelings for Jane defied logic, why she could never be completely objective about them or base everything on entirely reasonable assumptions. Thought of in those terms, love began to make more sense to Maura. Perhaps it was logical in its illogicality; maybe that was the key to unravelling something that had always mystified her. Maybe it should be felt, trusted, rather than tested as was her usual habit.

Maura did know that she and Jane would never work that way. She couldn't hope to spend the next fifty years of their lives constantly seeking out conclusive proof that Jane loved her in the first place. It hadn't worked with her parents; it would never work with Jane. There had been times in the past when she had said or done something to see what the outcome would be, to see if Jane really had had feelings for her. When the wished for response had been given, Maura had been elated only to suddenly disbelieve the result which always fed the need for further testing. It was something she had curbed quite considerably as time had gone on, but it proved to Maura that instead of being able to trust that people loved, and cared for her, she would always be seeking proof of it, instead of being able to trust what she couldn't scientifically measure. She had thought she had been able to leave all of that behind. She had been mistaken.

This then, was her dilemma: close herself off and end her relationship with Jane before it had the potential to break either of them; or see the situation for what it was: a normal consequence of life, and try to process it, then move past it.

The way Maura was currently feeling about option one was telling her that it would never be a viable one. Despite being hurt, and alone, and afraid, every inch of her ached to find Jane and sink into her. She wanted to be swept up in strong arms and cling on tightly to the detective, lose herself in the love that Jane exuded whenever they were together. The very thing that kept her fears at bay was exactly the same thing causing it, and she realised that a life full of fear without Jane, would be a lonely one.

She was just about to send Jane a text when she noticed the flashing e-mail icon in the corner of her screen. As she clicked on it, she saw she the e-mail was from Jane, feeling her heart skip slightly, not knowing whether it was a good sign, or a bad one. By the time she was even halfway down the e-mail, tears clouded her vision and her heart felt like it was ten times its normal size. There was something so sweetly painful about loving Jane, and it was never more noticeable than when she got a glimpse of how Jane felt on the inside. It made her realise just how much Jane really did love her. It also made her realise how much she loved Jane.

And far from making her choice easier, it only made it worse. If they loved each other so much as it was, what would happen if anything ever broke them apart? Maura didn't know if either of them would ever survive it unscathed. The immensity of it all only made Maura cry that much harder than she had done before.

Jane tapped heavily on the steering wheel as she waited for Korsak to finish questioning his latest witness. She squinted through the windshield at him, watching with faint amusement as he continually shifted his weight from foot to foot, the snow piling up in little tufts on the top of his head. She wasn't entirely without sympathy; the interior of the car was as frigid as the outside thanks to the heater fading in and out when it felt like it. One minute they'd be sitting in a furnace and the next, they were sitting in an icebox. At least when she was driving, she was moving and generating a little body heat, as it was, her ass was frozen solid. She was beginning to miss the warmth of the conference room, even with its asshole FBI agent infestation.

Flipping her cell phone from her belt, she felt instant disappointment when there was nothing on her screen to say she'd had a call or a text message, even though she had known before she looked that she hadn't missed anything. It was both a blessing and a curse. She was glad that she hadn't heard from Casey, but deeply disappointed that Maura hadn't contacted her. She had expected it but that didn't make it any easier to cope with. Neither of them should have had to cope with anything thrown at them so far this day, and yet there it was. They should have been at home, rolling around the bed as new lovers do in their quest to form an even deeper bond than the one they already had. Instead, Jane was stuck in a cruiser with faulty heating desperately worried about Maura and their relationship, and the woman in question was no doubt doing much the same thing down in the morgue. Being faced with the consequences of her inaction sucked, and Jane was reminded that as a woman in her mid-thirties, her usual brand of teenage avoidance wasn't going to cut it.

Right around the time Jane opened the folder of pictures on her cell phone, she knew she wasn't done torturing herself. There was picture after picture of Maura, engaged in a number of activities as Jane had captured the moment forever. In some of them, Maura was smiling back at her brightly, the dimple in her chin and the slight poutiness of her lips lending an air of smouldering, understated sexiness that Jane had always found irresistible. In some of the other pictures, Maura was unaware that Jane had been photographing her, and those were some of Jane's favourites.

There was one in particular that Jane loved more than any other photograph. It had been taken several weeks after TJ had been born. Tommy had dropped by as usual to use them both as a free babysitting service early one Saturday morning after they'd gotten home only several hours earlier, and Maura had suggested that they go back to bed and take TJ with them. They had spent several hours in-between diaper changes and baby feeds just lounging in bed, their time spent talking and occasionally glancing down at TJ. He'd been having the time of his life cocooned in a nice warm bed with two women to make a fuss over him and cater to his every baby whim. Jane had left the room only long enough to make tea for Maura and coffee for herself, returning to find the most adorable thing she'd ever seen. Maura had snuggled down next to TJ, stroking the soft dark hair on his head as she was busily explaining the reasons why if he continued to grow at his current rate, by the time he reached adulthood, he would have been as tall as Nelson's Column in London. TJ had obviously been fascinated by the sound of Maura's voice and had gazed up at her wondrously, as she looked lovingly down at him. Jane hadn't been able to resist taking the picture, not just because it was cute but because it was a rare glance at a completely open and unguarded Maura Isles and she was more beautiful in that moment than Jane had ever witnessed her to be.

Some ten minutes later, after staring longingly at her cell phone and mentally kicking herself for what she'd done, she sighed with relief as Korsak came trotting back to the car. It was the fastest Jane had seen him move in the last decade. As he opened the car door, a blast of icy air made her shiver uncontrollably and she was glad when he slammed the car door shut at last.

"Jeez, now I know what putting my balls on ice would feel like."

Jane rolled her eyes. "What is with guys and their balls? It's like you're all constantly fixated on them. You don't find me continually re-arranging my ovaries in polite company. I don't have to keep touching them to know they're there."

"You keep 'em somewhere I don't know about or has Maura installed a little door for ya?" he grunted with laughter as Jane muttered swear words under her breath at him.

"Don't be an asshole all your life. Take the day off. Where to next?" She avoided his questioning gaze, knowing that he sensed there was something wrong with her the moment he'd gotten back in the car. Jane wasn't sure she could talk about it, so refused to admit she knew he was asking without saying a word. She wasn't sure she could ever find the words to tell him that this hurt more than any of the bullets or broken bones she'd ever had. It hurt more than everything else in her life combined, and there was no way to escape from it.

"Dirty Robber. I need a break." He blew on his hands and wiggled the heater knob, suddenly pleasing them both when it kicked in and began to whir, faint faraway blasts of heat beginning to emanate from the vents only to immediately conk out again twenty seconds later.

"Any luck?"

"Witness said that she remembers getting home at 7pm from work, remembers every light in the house being on and she was a little pissed about that because she's one of those new age tree hugger types who thinks three squirts of air freshener kills a whale and melts an iceberg."

Jane shook her head with a laugh and pulled away from her parking space. "You're terrible. Conservation of the planet is a big deal."

"You've spent far too long with Maura," he scoffed with a grin, knowing that half the time he'd only make statements like that to wind either one of them up. "I'm all for conserving the planet as much as the next guy, I do my bit for animal conservation whenever I can, but this chick is wearing some sweater made of goat hair and wafflin' on about how a light bulb left on too long can ensure a future generation will be without light and yet she's got a freakin' BMW parked in the driveway! Man, I tell ya this, I'd sit in the dark too if I was wearing a sweater as ugly as hers. Looks like goat hair, smells like it too. She kept telling me that she was psychic and that my aura was troubling. If she was psychic then how come she was surprised I was standing on her doorstep? She shoulda known I was comin'."

Jane howled with laughter as she pulled away from the sidewalk and merged into traffic. It felt good, and yet so deeply wrong, to be laughing like that. She hated herself even more for it. "You know, it's funny you should say that I've spent too much time with Maura. I was harpin' on last week about something or other she was watching on TV. It was one of those weepy ass TV movies where the woman has about ten seconds to live but still somehow makes it to the end credits just because she hooked up with some dude. There was snot drippin', and hospital visits, and sad shit, and I couldn't take anymore"

"Aww man, I hate those damn movies. My first ex-wife always used to watch that crap. Why they gotta do that? Ain't there enough heartbreak in the world? I wanna tune in and watch some funny shit. I do not need to see somebody take their old lady out into the barn and blast 'em both to the pearly gates just because one of them has incurable heebie jeebies. I mean, damn, it's like being at work, just not with you."

Jane snickered at that. "I know, right? I started pointing out all of the plot holes and inconsistencies, which is usually her job but she got pissed! I mean come on, I don't have a medical degree, but Jesus, even I know that multiple organ failure puts a crimp in your fucking day. I told her this. I told her that it wasn't realistic, that the plot sucked, since the woman would be in hospital hooked up to an IV and shit. Not bouncing around a fucking meadow with some clown who has floppy hair and can't wait to flip his little chap out and bang her, despite it being bad for her kidneys, or her liver, or whatever the fuck it was. Maura threatened to stuff her Louboutins up my ass. I told her she shouldn't flirt with me so violently unless she was willing to do something about it. I know now that she wanted to, but she glossed over it nicely with a bit of verbal violence the same way she always does when she's pissed at me. I got a right earful, told me I spend too much time with you, that I'm beginning to sound just like you. Didn't seem to bother her though, ten minutes later she had her head buried against my boobs again. Hey, Korsak, she comes near your boobs, you tell me. I'll kill you both."

Korsak grinned as he struck a heroic pose and swept his hair back. "I coulda been your Daddy," He said, using his best Marlon Brando voice.

Jane suddenly looked horrified as she gripped the steering wheel. "You keep hanging around Ma long enough and God forbid, it could turn out that way. There's no freakin' way I'm gonna let you adopt me. I'd rather be a single parent child."

"Meh, I'll stick with Frankie. I always liked him better." Korsak teased to another round of colorful language.

Jane pulled up outside the Dirty Robber less than ten minutes later and thankfully turned off the engine, practically groaning at the thought of being able to wrap her hands around a nice hot cup of coffee for five minutes while she waited for Maura's lunch. The snow by now was getting fairly deep and she was frozen to the bone, after spending a good chunk of her day revisiting witnesses in various locations. A good many of those locations included standing shivering on some godforsaken doorstep while the owner of the house opened the door only far enough to shove their nose out, their ass still happily being warmed while hers was being deep frozen.

"Damn, I could do with a cup of coffee. My body still feels like its frozen solid." Korsak said, echoing her thoughts as they climbed from the car and squinted against a flurry of bright snowflakes.

"I just want to go home," she whined with a pout as Korsak chuckled at her.

"You mean you want to go home and warm your ass against your woman while the rest of us do the hard work?" Korsak grinned, waiting to see if he could get a rise out of her as he held the door open for her and shook the snowflakes from his shoulders.

"I've had fantasies all morning of curling up next to her in front of that huge fireplace of hers. I'd give my badge, my baseball autographed by Jim Rice, the mitt signed by the '86 Sox line-up and my liver just for half an hour with her. I just want to know that she's alright, I'm worried about her." Jan realized that no matter how hard she tried, no matter how reluctant she was to talk about it, she just couldn't stuff her feelings back inside, that they kept spilling over no matter what she did. Perhaps that wasn't a bad thing. She'd always been too close off with people.

"You got it bad, kiddo." He was still smiling at her. "I can relate though. I'd give up my retirement fund just to go home, change into my sweatpants and my Bruins shirt and play hooky with your mother."

"Oh man!" Jane complained loudly, shoving a snickering Korsak into a seat at the bar. "That is disgusting! You do realise I won't be able to keep anything down at meal times until well after New Years now, right?"

"The way you can inhale a cheeseburger, I'm surprised you don't have that problem more often." Korsak greeted Murray and asked for two coffees, before turning back to Jane. "We got many interviews left?"

"Just about a half dozen, shouldn't take long. So come on, what else did 'Stinky Nora the Aura Explorer' have to say?" Jane asked as Korsak almost choked on a peanut when he began laughing.

"She did say something about a fancy car in the driveway. I asked her what kind of car, on account of both Gary and Stephanie Jefferson owning a Lexus. She wasn't able to tell me, said her boyfriend knew about cars but he was away on business that night. She says that it didn't look like the vehicles belonging to the Jeffersons, because she knew Gary's car was gold, and Stephanie's was red. She said this car was a darker colour, kinda fancy, but she wasn't able to tell me exactly what colour it was. She couldn't tell me make or model either. And forget getting a licence plate number."

"So, I'm thinking if she came home at 7pm and all of the lights were on in the house, then it's possible the killer may already have been inside." Jane took a sip of her coffee as Korsak nodded. "Maura said TOD was roughly around 8pm, so it could fit."

"I'll call her this afternoon, see if I can get a better description of the car outta her. What time you heading out?"

"I promised Maura I'd be done by two o'clock, but I'll be back in early tomorrow morning to catch up."

"Speaking of Maura, why don't you call her?"

"I sent her an e-mail, but she hasn't contacted me or anything. I don't want to push her. You heard how she reacted when I told her, the last thing I want to do is make it worse. There's enough shit goin' on as it is. You know Bannerman's been conducting lab tests for money? Maura was about to read him the riot act when I left."

"Little weasel," Korsak growled. "Though it doesn't surprise me. Takes after the asshole gene pool that Carrington is from. You head anything else from Major Pain?"

Jane snorted at the nickname and shook her head as she played with the handle of her coffee cup. "No and I'm hoping it stays that way. Things are bad enough without him making them worse. I still need to tell Maura that he was coming back to propose, and I don't know how the hell that one is gonna work out. I didn't want to heap too much on her, but I at least wanted to confess to her about him being back in Boston, didn't want her to think I'd held onto it all day."

"Or for the last three months," Korsak replied, his tone a touch sarcastic.

"Alright, Korsak, out with it." Jane sighed heavily and waved her thanks at Murray as he placed their coffee down with a fresh bowl of peanuts before leaving them to it. "Something is bothering you, what is it?"

"I just don't want to see either of you hurt. You remember the last time he was here?"

Jane recalled it perfectly; he had shown up, claiming to be back in town on business for 48 hours. He had whined on about how they didn't have much time and could Jane drop everything so they could catch up. They had been set to go out on a date and they had, but the evening had taken an abrupt turn for the worse when Casey had casually mentioned that he had a friend who was recently divorced and looking to start dating again. The minute he had suggested that Maura was single and should date his friend, the evening had descended into cold stares from Jane and bouts of sulking from Casey. They had spent the remainder of the evening arguing about it, until he'd left the next day. Now that she thought about it, it probably accounted for the reason why he was so quiet when he'd gone back to Afghanistan. It made her wonder whether he was actually as clueless about her feelings for Maura as he had appeared to be. Somehow, now that she thought about it, Jane didn't think so. In fact, Jane got the niggling feeling that he'd known all along.

"I'm trying to forget about it. I wish you wouldn't keep reminding me."

Korsak took a sip of his coffee and turned to face her. "Maura was quiet for days, even after Casey had gone back to Afghanistan. You do realise she had something planned that weekend, don't you? I think she was going to surprise you with it."

It was news to Jane, who looked at him with a puzzled expression. "No, I didn't. What did she say, Korsak?"

"She didn't. I just happened to see some paperwork on her desk when I went down to clarify an autopsy report. She had booked flights to New York for you both, made reservations at some fancy restaurant, booked a room at a hotel."

"Happened to see paperwork or went snooping through it?" Jane raised an eyebrow at him as she felt her stomach clenching at the thought that Maura had arranged for them to be somewhere as a surprise and it hadn't gone according to plan.

Korsak shrugged; glancing, snooping, it didn't much matter. "You were supposed to have dinner with her at Le Beau Truc that night. I think she was going to tell you about the trip then. She'd been antsy for days, withdrawn and nervous one minute and bouncy the next. I figured she was working herself up to telling you that she loves you, but Captain Asshole breezes into town hoping for a quick 'layover' and you end up going to dinner with him instead."

Jane felt suddenly sick. "I didn't know. She never said. When he asked me, I told him that I had plans with Maura, but she told me to go to dinner with him. Said we could watch movies any night. I thought that's all she had planned, she didn't tell me about Le Beau Truc. And for the record, I didn't sleep with him the last time he was here. I was too pissed off with him even to sit in the same room. He stayed on the sofa and I paced up and down my bedroom in a temper until he left to go back to Afghanistan the next morning. We barely said two words to each other before he climbed into the taxi and left."

"I'm guessing Casey didn't even bother to ask whether you had plans to begin with." His statement was confirmed when Jane nodded. "For days afterward Jane, Maura was withdrawn. You didn't notice because you were too busy having your head stuck up your ass when he left again. I hadn't seen Maura like that since she first arrived. Frost and I invited her to the Robber that night after seeing her leaving PD looking so alone. We had dinner with her but she was real quiet. She kept glancing at her cell phone like she was hoping you would call or text. You didn't."

"No, I didn't. I was too busy arguing with Casey that night because of Maura. I was paying so much attention to her that I ignored her. Shit. "Jane leaned forward resting her head on the bar as the urge to scream, shout, cry and punch somebody, namely herself, washed over her. "Even though I felt bad he was heading back to a war zone, I was relieved he was gone. But what he'd said about setting Maura up with his buddy got me thinking about what I was doing, how I was settling for him and trying to ignore my feelings for her and everything. In all the time I'd been friends with Maura, I'd never known if she truly felt anything for me or whether I was misinterpreting how sweet and affectionate she can be because it was what I wanted to desperately believe. I spent so long thinking about her, that I should've noticed she was quiet and I didn't. I'm such an asshole. I don't deserve her."

"Just don't screw it up again. Whenever he's around, it's like your brain checks out and you turn into an idiot." Korsak put a hand on her arm to soften the blow of his words, but it didn't make them any less true. "I guess I'm worried that he's somehow going to convince you to give it another try and..."

"No." Jane cut him off abruptly, swallowing heavily against the awful thought of being without Maura, in any capacity. "Not a chance, Korsak. At one point, I will admit he messed with my head and I didn't know which way was up, but as soon as I realised that I couldn't be with him whether Maura wanted me or not, I let him go. I thought he'd let me go, too. He obviously didn't, but I don't want him back. I don't love him, I love Maura."

As Korsak was going to answer, Jane's phone rang abruptly and she growled when she saw the name of the caller flash up on screen. "It's Agent Dumbshit from the Federal Bureau of Irritation. What is his problem? He spoke to us an hour ago."

Korsak chuckled and shook his head, before downing the rest of his coffee and waving at Murray for a refill. "Might as well talk to him, or he's just going to keep calling."

"He so much as mentions Maura and I will kill him," Jane said, clicking to answer the call, irritation washing over her before she'd heard a word, because she'd already had as much as she could stand for one day. "What do you want, Thompson?"

Korsak zoned out and decided to order something quick for lunch in order to stave off the cold. He ordered a couple of cheeseburgers and a salad for Maura, knowing she'd be appalled with anything less healthy this close to the holidays. Maura maintained it was to stay in shape. Jane maintained it was so Maura could be almost guilt free about shovelling Angela's cooking into her pie-hole without pause. Either way, the poor woman had to eat.

"Asshole." Jane threw her phone on the bar and reached for her coffee, swallowing heavily with a sigh, only perking up when a huge cheeseburger was put in front of her. "Oooh! Food. Thanks, Korsak."

"No worries." He winked at her and then bit into his own burger, chewing happily as he wiped a napkin across his mouth. "Did he mention Maura?"

"He was about to, I cut him off. Speaking of which, what did you order for the lady's lunch today?"

"Got that crispy noodle salad thing, the one with chicken and fruit that she likes. Can't pronounce it, so I just pointed to it."

"Oh, she's gonna love you," Jane chuckled and grabbed one of Korsak's side order of onion rings, turning a deaf ear to his protests. "Right around the same time she's gonna hate me."

"Fortunately for you, she loves you like nobody else on earth. She's forgiven you for much worse. Just have a little faith in her."

"That's the problem, Korsak." Jane leaned heavily on her bar. "Only so much forgiveness to go around and one day, she's gonna realise she hasn't got any left. I love her so much, and I don't know what I'd do without her."

Korsak went back to sipping his coffee, but not before he placed his hand on his former partner's shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze to let her know that regardless of the outcome, he would always be there for her. His intuition was telling him that Maura would always be there for her too, but they both had a very long road ahead of them.

Barry Frost sauntered into the morgue at just after 1pm and spotted Maura who was busily typing away on her laptop in her office. He tapped lightly on the door and smiled at her, watching as she scrabbled to remove her spectacles. Jane had warned him that they were a relatively new addition and Maura was still slightly sensitive over it. His assertion that the solution to said problem was as simple as Jane telling Maura that she looked like a sexy librarian earned him a blow to the shoulder from Jane's fist.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Doctor Isles. I didn't mean to interrupt your work. I can come back later."

"Don't be silly, Barry. Please come in and take a seat." Even though she knew it was pointless, she tucked the glasses away in her desk drawer where he couldn't see them.

He took a seat with a smile and then shifted uncomfortably from side to side while he contemplated what to say and leaned forward, before leaning back again, as he crossed and then uncrossed his legs. He smiled back at Maura as she shot him a quizzical look at the way he was fidgeting in his seat.

"Is everything okay, Detective Frost?" Maura saw the way the young man was shimmying around in his seat and raised an eyebrow at his uncharacteristic behaviour. "You're displaying signs of nervousness."

"I just..." Frost started but paused again, realising that perhaps he had should have given the situation more thought. "I wanted to see if you were okay."

"I'm fine, thank you. Why wouldn't I be?" she smiled at him fondly and flipped the screen down on her laptop so that she could give him her full attention. She tried hard to school her features, giving no outward appearance of her earlier upset. She had cried and then she had simply washed her face and reapplied her makeup, and nobody had been any the wiser. The pain that Bannerman had managed to cause her had been safely tucked away where she could deal with it when and if she wanted to, in her own time, so that it wouldn't overwhelm her again in her current fragile emotional state. The situation with Jane, not so much. There was no conceivable way she could keep that contained, even though she tried hard not to show it.

"All of the stuff with Bannerman that's going on. I don't want to intrude but you know, you're family and we look out for family. I always wanted to stop by to chat, or offer my assistance if you ever needed it but I wasn't sure if you know..."

Maura shook her head with a puzzled smile. "Sorry, Detective Frost, I don't follow."

"I wasn't sure if you'd appreciate it or not. I know you're a very private and capable person and I didn't want to make you feel awkward or feel like I was trying to butt into your business. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you've always been family, but now that you and Jane are in a relationship, that kinda makes you my partner too. Korsak and I feel like you can't escape us now, since its more official," he said with a laugh as Maura began chuckling.

"Oh, Barry. That really is very sweet of you both and I really appreciate your care and concern. Years ago, I probably wouldn't have known how to react to it, but thankfully, because of Jane and everybody else, yourself included, I'm much better at interacting in a social and familial setting. I'll always be grateful to you all for accepting me into your family."

"Hey, we're all grateful that wanted to be a part of it. We're all much better off for having you with us, Doc. But you have to know, your friendship with Jane isn't the reason you're a part of our family. You gained that on your own merits, we're lucky to have you."

Maura's bottom lip wobbled and she sniffled tearfully and reached for a Kleenex while Frost tried not to notice that she was tearing up. "I'm sorry. I guess I'm a little emotional."

"That's to be expected, there's no need to be sorry. It's been one hell of a few days, not to mention everything changing between you and Jane. It's bound to knock you for six. Besides, you oughta thank yourself lucky I came down here and not Korsak."

"Why is that?"

"Korsak would have been blubbing into his handkerchief like a little girl. You know, he adores both you and Jane and he's been strutting around like a proud father ever since he found out you two are together. I thought dating Jane's Mom was making him soft, but turns out he's always been like that." Frost flashed her a bright smile that on any other day, would have made her feel better. "So long as you're okay, that's the main thing."

"I'm fine," Maura replied and then suddenly burst into tears as Frost looked on, startled.

He wasn't quite sure what to do, he'd never seen her come undone in such a way before, nobody except Jane had probably ever witnessed her in this state before. With any other friend, he'd offer them a hug and a shoulder to cry on, but Maura had always been different, because he knew she couldn't relate to him in a way that most of his friends did. He decided she was never going to learn unless he, like Jane had, had made the first step. He stood and approached her, kneeling down and pulling her into his arms.

Maura leaned heavily on his shoulder and sobbed into his shirt as he murmured softly and patted her back, a little voice in her head telling her how thankful she was for waterproof mascara. Another voice told her how weak she was for allowing herself to be seen like that in front of another human being, but this voice was quickly dismissed. Frost was her friend, he wouldn't use it against her or think any less of her. When at last she had cried herself out and wiped her eyes, he wrapped his hand around hers and squeezed it gently, letting her know that everything was okay, before he stood and went back to the chair in front of her desk to allow her some space to gather herself.

"I'm sorry about your shirt," she said, sounding stuffed up as if she had a cold.

"Don't give it another thought. I'd rather have you cry all over me than Korsak cover me in chilidog like last week." He was pleased this time when she managed a small smile. "What happened?"

Maura gave him a quick rundown of the events, wondering when she'd turned into the kind of person that discussed her emotions with people, especially somebody that wasn't Jane.

"Barry..." Maura hesitated and leaned forward on her desk, as her index finger played back and forth over the antique leather blotter on her desk. "Have you ever found yourself unable to trust a person who had proven time and again that they are trustworthy?"

"Sure." Frost nodded immediately, shimmying in his seat to get more comfortable. Jane had always said Maura had torture instruments for office furniture, and she was right. "You know you can trust 'em, but there's a little voice in your head telling you that you shouldn't. It's fear, pure and simple fear, Doctor Isles."

Maura's head snapped up at this. Of course, she had known logically that fear played a part, but was it really to blame for her current dilemma?

"Let me ask you this," the young Detective leaned forward, mirroring Maura's position on the opposite side of her desk. "Would you trust Jane to save your life?"

"Without question."

"Would you trust her with your personal secrets or your wealth?"

"I have done, on numerous occasions. She has all of my passwords, spare keys to properties, and cars, my banking details, my legal paperwork, and she's my emergency contact. She also knows a great many things about me that I have never told anybody else. I have never had to second guess a decision like that."

"You trust her with your life, with your innermost secrets and your money. But you can't entirely trust her with your heart, because you're afraid she'll break it. Right?"

Maura nodded, feeling wholly guilty and relieved all at once. Barry understood and that made her feel so much lighter than before, but the guilt of voicing it out loud about a person she would trust above all others made her feel awful. "I'm such a terrible person, what's wrong with me?"

"Nothing," Frost said, smiling reassuringly as he reached out to pat her on the arm, sensing that she needed the reassurance still. "You're behaving exactly as any other human being would. We've all been in a similar situation."

"But how can I love somebody and trust them completely, and yet not trust them at all."

"Like I said, its fear. Fear isn't rational, or logical, but as human beings we're hardwired to feel fear in certain situations, which is part of the reason the human race has survived so long. I'm guessing you know more about that than I do," he said with a grin, pleased when she smiled back at him. He tried to put it to her in a way she could immediately relate to. "You fear having your heart broken, so every time something happens that has the potential to hurt you, the fear takes over. What sets apart the likes of Da Vinci, Galileo, Emily Pankhurst, Martin Luther King or any other significant figure who brought about a positive change in history?"

"Determination?"

"Exactly. They all had something they passionately believed in, something they desperately wanted to fight for, but unlike a lot of the human race, their determination overcame their fears. Whether they were determined to further science, challenge the church on its ideas, or to have freedom and equality for all, they never stopped believing. Oh, they met plenty of opposition, people who said it couldn't and shouldn't be done, but they didn't lose sight of what was important to them."

"And neither should I."

"Precisely. If being with Jane is what you really want, then you shouldn't let fear preclude you from having it. I'm not saying what she did was right, it's never okay to keep secrets, but sometimes in order to do the right thing, we can sometimes do the wrong thing. Sometimes, it's easy to forget that Jane is human. She's achieved so much in her career, achieves so much on a daily basis actually. She shoots better, runs further, works harder, gets results faster than a lot of people and so it's easy to forget that Jane is fallible. I've done it myself; I see her as this sort of modern day superwoman and then when she does something utterly human, I get disappointed and feel let down. I have to remind myself that just because Jane is a capable person, doesn't mean she isn't allowed to sometimes fail, or not quite meet our expectations of her. She hasn't tried to hurt you on purpose, she just simply made a decision that she thought would bring the least amount of pain to everybody and screwed up in the process."

"You think my expectations of her are too high?" Maura asked thoughtfully, her mind busy shunting her thoughts into an order that made sense to her.

"Perhaps, but then we're all guilty of that with ourselves and others. I'm not saying expect her to do everything wrong and then you won't be disappointed, but what I am saying is don't forget she's human. And in the meantime, give yourself some credit too. You're not expected to achieve everything you set out to do, there will be times when you'll fail too, and that's okay. Failure is what teaches us right from wrong, it's how we learn and become smarter. You guys just need time to work all this out. This is the first major relationship for you both that has a definite future so it's bound to be a huge life change. It's like being a kid all over again in some respects, you have to pay attention, learn about all of these little cues and how you're going to act on them."

"That's part of the problem," Maura sighed, looking completely crestfallen. "I know Jane so well, have gotten to know her so well during our years of friendship and it was just like you described. I had to figure out all of her little tells, her likes and dislikes and what she was saying when she didn't say anything at all. As her best friend, I know her inside out. As her girlfriend, it feels like she's a stranger."

"How come? Nothing has changed between you both, apart from the uh...you know, um sleeping together stuff." Frost felt his face heating up slightly as he blushed. "Again, you're placing expectations on both yourself and Jane just because the relationship has become romantic. But you're still the same people you were before, you both know the same things about each other, the same things are true of you both that have always been true. You keep putting pressure on yourself to get this right and you'll only end up creating more problems for yourselves."

"So what do I do?"

"In simple terms?" he asked as Maura nodded. "Chill out. Stop over-thinking everything and let it all happen naturally. If you're going to forgive Jane then do it, and mean it. No half measures, because if you tell yourself she's forgiven and you don't really mean it, it's only going to make things worse. If you're not going to forgive her, then you have to be aware of the consequences and follow through on your decision no matter how much it hurts. That's the polite version, but you want to know what advice I really want to give you?"

"Please, I'd prefer it if you were completely straight with me in your approach."

"My advice would be not to give this any more time or heartache than it's worth. Casey is an asshole of epic proportions; he's proved that with the way he's treated Jane and he's proved that with the way he continues to keep coming back to screw up her life. And not only that, he's now come back to screw up yours. He's selfish Maura, he doesn't care who he hurts, so long as he gets what he wants. But he didn't get what he wanted, did he?" he asked, as Maura shook her head. "And why didn't he get what he wants?"

"Because Jane doesn't love him. She loves me."

"That's right, he didn't get what he wants because Jane's yours, because she loves you, and she made that decision to be with you and not him. Jane made that choice three months ago when she didn't bother replying to his e-mail when he told her he was coming back to see her. Way I see it, the longer you're upset about this, the more he wins and he shouldn't have that much power over you guys. Life's too short, so don't waste it. If she doesn't take out the trash when you asked her to, promise to reward her if she does and she'll learn that you asked her because you needed help and you value her for meeting you halfway. Getting angry or hurt won't solve anything. If however, you find her screwing your next door neighbour in your marital bed, then you kick her ass out."

"Not likely. My next door neighbour is 89 and she smells of cat urine," Maura said so seriously that Frost choked on his laughter.

"What about the one on the other side?"

"Fritz? He spends ten months of the year travelling around the world for work, but when he doesn't, he spends his free time in Boston with his husband, Hans. So, what you're trying to say is, don't sweat the small stuff? Did I get that right?"

"Bingo!" Frost grinned at her, as he pointed his finger at her. "Pick your battles and know why you're fighting 'em. Some stuff is important, some isn't worth getting upset over and Casey Jones isn't worth all this shit."

"Thank you, Barry. You've been a big help." Maura beamed at him and then reached across the table, gently taking hold of his hand as she squeezed it thankfully, something which she would never have done before, but she found that boundaries were moved around all the time, especially as he had just proved himself to be a good friend and wouldn't reject her affection. She wanted him to know that she saw him as such, and would like to be seen as such too. "I really appreciate it."

"Meh," he gripped her hand with a shy grin. "It's what friends are for."

"And you, Barry Frost, are one of the best," Maura said, her tearful smile just a little less sad than it had been ten minutes before and wholly genuine.

The last time Jane Rizzoli had ever felt anything as mind-numbingly boring as listening to Agent Thompson drone on about his latest conversation with the New Hampshire State Police Department, she had been stuck at a forensics convention with Maura. Not that Maura or the forensics convention had been boring, but they'd sat through a three hour lecture on the use of ballistics gel in crime scene reconstruction. It had sounded interesting to begin with until they realised the guy was more fixated in droning on nasally about how to make the damn stuff more than focusing on its actual use to determine various types of bullet wounds during ballistics testing. It had remained the only time that Jane had ever seen Maura glaze over at the eyeballs and become completely catatonic. Jane had a feeling neither of them would see that level of boredom again unless they somehow lost the TV remote and were stuck watching a Tom Cruise movie marathon.

But even during hour two of debating the best gel mixing method, Maura had somehow found the will to live and carried on breathing. Jane wasn't even sure she could manage that under the constant pontificating by Thompson on where their suspect was most likely to be at that given moment. Jane didn't care, she was kinda happy for the guy that he was on the run and not having to listen to the total asshat in front of her. Besides, if the tiny amount of information Thompson had managed to prize out of the New Hampshire State Police was anything to go by, they hated him just as much as Jane did. Especially when she had work to do and he was intent on derailing her entire day just so he could somehow work Maura's name into the conversation every five minutes.

It wasn't a conversation Jane was focusing on. Mostly because she was busy trying to work out the logistics of ramming a salt shaker as far up Agent Thompson's nose as it could conceivably go before just stopping short of where his brain was supposed to be. Not because she was feeling particularly charitable, but mostly because she knew he didn't possess one and there was no sense in losing a perfectly good salt shaker in that empty cavity between his ears. The closest thing he possessed to a brain was between his legs and it was currently fuelling his obsession with her girlfriend.

Just as her hand itched to pick up something larger than the aforementioned salt shaker, Korsak nudged her.

"What?" she looked at him grumpily, getting the sense that she had been required to answer at some point and had neglected to do so.

"Agent Thompson was keen to know if we could head down to the morgue to get Doctor Isles' medical opinion on Morales' post mortem injuries. He also wanted the inside scoop on whether she's busy tonight." Korsak tried hard to hold in the grin fighting to make its way to his face but he was rapidly losing the battle.

Jane's head whirled around so fast that she was convinced she would need treatment for whiplash by the end of the day. "Morales is dead, you don't need somebody with a medical degree to tell you that. I also happen to know that Maura is busy tonight."

And even if Maura had still been single and had had an empty diary, Jane would still have made sure Maura was unavailable. She knew the Medical Examiner had dated some skeevy guys in her time but this idiot took the biscuit. He didn't even look like an FBI Agent. He looked more like a particularly garishly dressed eighties porn star taking part in a parody of Miami Vice. The shiny grey suit, Rolex copy and aviators in December really didn't do anything to lend him any credibility. Nor did the greasy way in which his dark thinning hair was combed back from his forehead to hang over his collar. He was also wearing loafers, and in Jane's opinion any guy who was wearing loafers was automatically a pain in the ass. Maura knew many of them, and although this douche-bag didn't have nearly as much money as the pretentious douche-bags Maura knew, it still put him firmly in the category of douche-baggery and nothing would convince Jane otherwise.

"Oh, come on, Jane." Thompson grinned at her conspiratorially. "I know she's your friend and you're protective of her, but I'll have her home by midnight, I promise. I'll be gone again by 6am." He winked, a leer settling onto his face that made Jane as angry as it did nauseous.

"Is he serious?" Jane turned to Korsak, her face bordering on fire truck red as her anger kicked up a notch. "Did he just really say that? Because I could've sworn that the asshole really just said that."

"Janie..." Korsak warned, torn between actually standing by his oath to uphold the law and sitting back to enjoy the ringside view of when Jane mashed her knuckles into Thompson's face.

Agent Thompson looked suddenly startled as he leant back in his chair, as if putting several inches more distance between him and Jane was actually going to make a difference to his injuries. "What? What did I do?"

"I'll tell you what you've done, you fu..." Jane didn't manage to finish her sentence before her cell phone rang, as Maura's name flashed across the screen. She knew she had no choice but to answer it and with another round of swearing and the gnashing of teeth, she pressed the phone to her ear. "Hey, Maura. What's up?"

"I'm..." she took a deep breath, before blowing it out noisily again. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have interrupted."

"Maura, you're not interrupting. Even if you were, I've always got time for you. Please finish what you were going to say." Jane spoke softly, pleadingly, not wanting Maura to run.

"I read your e-mail. And I did some thinking and I talked to Barry. It helped put things into perspective."

Jane felt like she'd been holding her breath for the longest time, the ache in chest not entirely due to oxygen deprivation. "Is that a good thing? I'm hoping it is."

"It made me realise that no matter how much I fear Casey, you and I share something he cannot take away. I was afraid I was going to lose you, but knowing that you feel the same as I do, that you were always there watching over me back then, even when I didn't know it...I realise that kind of love isn't something that somebody else can take away from us. Casey can try to change your mind all he wants, but I don't think he's going to be able to, is he?"

"Baby, you know he isn't. I meant what I said. You and me, we belong together, we can't function without each other. If I didn't have you, Maura, I'd cease to exist. I'd be less than nothing. I don't want to be without you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

"I feel the same way. Although you sometimes hurt me, and I sometimes hurt you, neither of us does it on purpose. You took all of the hurt and the pain trapped inside me, Jane, and you chased it away. You saved me."

"You saved me, too." Jane's voice cracked, her heart fluttering wildly against her ribcage. "More than once, and in so many more ways than you know."

"I love you so much."

"I love you, too. Infinitely more than infinity."

Maura chuckled tearfully on the other end. "Not sure that's scientifically correct but I can't seem to find it in myself to care. I think I like the sentiment too much. It's wonderful and so are you."

"Wonderful is my middle name," Jane said with a laugh, finding the space to be able to breath for a moment. Granted, not everything was as it should have been yet, but at least this was a start. She'd cross the next bridge when she came to it.

"No it isn't, its Clementine," Maura replied with a laugh of her own.

"Funny girl! Maura, I..." Jane was cut off when Maura asked her to hold on for a moment, as she heard muffled talking in the background. She put her hand over the phone and looked down at Thompson. "What are you grinning at?"

"Nothing," he said, but the beaded sweat on his upper lip and the lascivious grin had started up again.

Jane leaned down on the table in front of Agent Thompson with a dangerous look on her face that warned him not to mess with her. "I'm only going to tell you this once, so pay attention, dipshit. Maura Isles is completely off limits. You so much as go within a hundred feet of my girlfriend, or ask her out on another date, or even talk about her again like she's a piece of meat then not only will I break your nose, but I'll rip it off, coat it in pepper spray and then shove it up your ass. Do you understand me?"

"Pepper spray?" Korsak muttered and then winced when the full implication of that statement sunk in. Then he snorted and reached for his coffee, enjoying the sudden look of fear on the Federal Agent's face.

Thompson looked startled for a moment at the outright hostility Jane was projecting, and then a grin suddenly took over, as his beady brown eyes twinkled up at her. "If you ever need..."

"You'll need traction if you finish that sentence." Jane threatened him, resting a hand on her gun to make a point. "Stay away from Doctor Isles, or you'll find out first hand just how protective of my girlfriend I can really be. Capisce?"

Thompson nodded, swallowing heavily as he squeaked his reply. "Capisce."

"Good boy, you know it makes sense." She said, enjoying the feeling of putting him in his place after feeling so out of sorts, and then threw a wink at Korsak, who was busy stifling a grin.

"Jane?" Maura was back on the line, having missed all the fun. "Sorry about that, it was Doctor Gretzky wishing me a Merry Christmas before he left for New York."

"Can I come and see you? I have your lunch."

"As much as I'm grateful for the food, I find myself wanting to be close to you more. Hurry up and get your butt down here."

"Ten fo'." Jane grinned when she heard Maura's answering snort and another entreaty for her to hurry up. As Jane clicked to end the call with a smile, she turned to Korsak again. "Let's crack on, shall we? Thompson, for God sake go bother somebody in New Hampshire."

"Why, what's happening in New Hampshire?" He asked, looking at her blankly.

"Really?" was all she said, as she shook her head and left the cafe with a still chuckling Korsak in tow.

There we go, progress! And I'm not just talking about me finally getting back to writing this story after a million years away lol. For now, our girls are in a much better place and we'll be continuing with that in the next chapter. I have lots of things coming up in the next chapter or two so it will be interesting to see how Jane and Maura deal with all of it. I can't promise there won't be more angst, because these two need to work out their issues in a way that's realistic but...trust in me and I won't steer your wrong. I'll never write an unhappy ending if I can help it, there's too much of that in the world already. This story is rizzles all the way, no worries on that score.

I hope you like the chapter, so until next time, thank you very much for reading. As always it is hugely appreciated, more than you'll ever know. If you have five minutes and you'd like to leave me a review, I'd be very happy about that, but if you'd prefer not to then that's okay too, because you've read the chapter (hopefully enjoyed it) and that's the main thing. :)