Fragments

a/n: a million thanks to musa (musafreen) and andie (fading colours) who helped me get the word count down. couldn't have done it without you guys (i am cringing at the clichedness of that statement but hey this is just the a/n, not the actual fic). also yes, i know, i could've written 2000 words on this but maximum word count limit. but finally (according to wordcountertool . com) it is 1000 words exactly more awesome people: reviewers, the wonderful challengers that i'm submitting this fic for and you. ;)
this chapter's title: what she knows

Hermione Granger is terrified of dying.

She's terrified of what lies beyond, terrified of what she will lose.

During first year, she had her first near-death experience with Harry and Ron. Looking back, she realizes just how brave she was; at that age, she hadn't really thought it through yet. She hadn't grasped the concept of death – leaving forever and not coming back – she was just eleven years old and had decades of life left to live.

She realizes how truly noble she was then. When she screamed, it was because she cared about getting Harry and Ron out alive. She felt almost invincible, her life guaranteed to simply keep moving on until she was an old lady.

It was much like that for the next few years – when she and Ron and Harry tried to solve the mystery of the Chamber. And the next year, with the Grimm – she was sure that it'd try to get Harry. She was aware that the threat was very real, and just as sure that she'd be able to deal with it.

She felt like an absolute monster of a friend; even if Harry died, as long as she lived, she'd be alright. She'd get over it.

Fourth year, she felt much the same about Harry's Triwizard tournament. She was genuinely fearful when Harry came out of the maze and collapsed, and she was genuinely happy that he'd survived, but she knew that she would have been able to simply get over it if he died.

She hated herself for it.

In her fifth year, she was just ... slow. She believed that Voldemort had risen again, knew the power Voldemort had. Knew that he'd slaughtered dozens of people. But it never felt ... real. It was like her mind was trying to keep up with her knowledge. She knew that people could die. She simply wasn't worried about it. Everything seemed so vague, distant.

Until she saw Luna fall.

Her brain went into a panic. This was, she felt, the tipping point. The moment when she fully comprehended that she could actually die. She felt so stupid. It seemed that everyone had known this all along except for her, she who was supposed to be the smart one. Everyone had known what they'd signed up for and everyone had joined in anyway.

She is now sure that if she had known that her life was truly on the line, she would have done anything to try and worm out of it.

But nobody suspected anything. They won; nobody died.

Except Sirius.

She watched as Harry broke down then tried to pull himself together. She knew that Harry would have died for Sirius if he could have. And he would have died for her or Ron.

Harry would die for her and she hates herself for it, because she knows that she'd never die for him. Not for Ron or Harry or anyone.

Why? Why can't she be less selfish? Why is she so terrified of what might lie for her beyond?

She's asking herself these questions now and she still doesn't know.

Her sixth year is one that she will always regret. Because she knows that she took more of the felix felicis than anyone else. She took all of it and conjured some lightly flavoured water into the bottle.

She has never felt more hatred. Everything she has ever felt towards Draco Malfoy or Voldemort or the Death Eaters combined cannot be compared to the burning fury she felt at herself that night - and many nights and days afterwards.

Why?

None of the people who drank the fake felix felicis were hurt that night, and she is grateful for that.

She is now seventeen years old. She and Harry and Ron are in Harry's room. It's the day before Bill's wedding and she cannot believe that she managed to think all of that in five minutes.

Harry has finished talking about the trip he has ahead of him. He stands, apparently concluding his speech.

"Wait!" Ron tugs his friend's hand. "Harry, I'm coming with you."

"... You are?" Harry looks hopeful – then frowns. He hates himself for wanting Ron to come with him. Hermione can tell.

"You are?" she echoes, her voice slightly empty.

"Yes, of course!" Ron insists. "Hermione, why –"

"Hermione, you're not coming with me," Harry says firmly.

"Why, is it because she isn't as good as us? That's sexist and untrue."

"No, it isn't. It's too dangerous. You could die. I'm not saying just Hermione, you're not coming with me, Ron."

"But –"

"Ron," Hermione says carefully. "Ron, think about it."

"I have and I'm going with Harry."

"Ron, what about your family? If you disappear, the Ministry'll assume that you went with Harry – you're his best friend and they know it. They'll come looking for you, and they'll find you missing."

"Exactly!" says Harry, smiling gratefully at Hermione. The hatred she feels for herself grows. "You're not safe. Not you, not Hermione."
"But guys –"

"Ron, how about this? I'll go and find the Horcruxes myself. That was the plan all along. If I ever need your help, I promise that I will call you."

Ron bites his lip hesitantly. Hermione feels her heart thumping in her ribcage – Ron would risk his life for Harry. Hermione wouldn't. Damnit, why is she so selfish?

"I promise," says Harry.

Ron takes a deep breath. "Alright, mate. But you'd better make sure you remember to."

They shake hands and embrace. Hermione feels tears sliding down her cheeks. Is this her fault? If Harry doesn't make it and the Wizarding world falls to Voldemort, will it be her fault?

Harry holds his arms out to Hermione. "Don't cry, Hermione. I'm not leaving for another day."

"Alright," she says, but it's so soft that he doesn't hear her. She hugs him and sobs, wishing for a million things that will never come true.

a/n - again, lots of luffle and huggles to musa and andie. and of course myself because i wrote this thing, yo. u_u