I Like Life

Mastermind dragged himself into the kitchen of the Acolyte base and slumped into a stool. He had just finished a long session of exercises Magneto had given him to do and it was his first chance to rest in hours. He looked around making sure that he was alone and let out a deep sigh while enjoying a well deserved peace. A peace that let him completely relax. A peace that lasted exactly eight seconds.

"I'm open! I'm open!" Pyro barreled into the room waving a broom. A soccer ball soon followed which bonked Mastermind on the head and sent him tumbling out of his stool.

"Tally ho!" Remy and Piotr rushed into the kitchen each wielding a broom. They immediately tried to get the ball from Pyro while also running over Mastermind who was on the floor.

"Ow! Hey, watch it!" Mastermind yelled as he tried to sit up. "You're not supposed to play broom-ball inside!"

"It's mine! Mine! All mine!" Pyro controlled the ball with his broom in one hand and used the other to send a stream of fire from his pack toward his two opponents.

"Hey, watch it!" Mastermind yelled unable to prevent being hit by Pyro's blast. "AHHHHHH! I'M ON FIRE!" He threw himself to the floor and began to roll over in an attempt to put out the flames.

"I think not!" Piotr ran through the flames in his armored form, trampling over Mastermind again and sent the ball flying from Pyro's control with a blow from his broom. The ball bounced off the wall, the ceiling, Mastermind's face and the refrigerator until coming to a rest in the sink.

"Great, now how are we going to get it out?" Pyro asked.

"Simple," Remy replied charging a card and slipping it past the ball into the sink.

BOOM!

Fortunately, the card hadn't been charged enough to damage the sink. However, it was enough to send the ball flying out of the sink and straight toward Pyro who ducked and swung his broom, catching a stray box of baking soda and sending the contents all over the floor. The baking soda covered Mastermind who was still rolling around and lessened the flames enough for him to extinguish himself.

"I got it!" Piotr ran with broom upraised toward the ball which had come to a rest near Mastermind.

"Think again!" Remy laughed charging three cards and tossing them toward the ball. Unfortunately, Remy had charged the cards much more than the one he had put in the sink.

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

Piotr was unhurt but was temporarily blinded by the cards exploding. He swung his broom, missed the ball and whacked Mastermind in the head. The ball was blown towards Pyro who sent it sailing out of the room with a blow from his broom.

"After it! Yehaaa! I'm coming!" The three broom-wielding Acolytes chased after the ball leaving behind a messy kitchen and a very beaten, unconscious Acolyte on the floor. A few minutes later Sabertooth entered the kitchen just as Mastermind began to wake up.

"Ohhhhh…" Mastermind moaned from his prone position.

"What happened to you?" Sabertooth asked. "Get in the way of the Three Stooges?"

"Ohhhhh…"

"Figures," Sabertooth chucked.

"I hate my life…" Mastermind moaned. "I really hate my life…"

"Why?"

"WHY?! WHY?! In the past five minutes I've been run over, set on fire, repeated hit in the head and nearly blown up! WHY DO YOU THINK I HATE MY LIFE?!"

"Come on, life ain't that rough," Sabertooth said reaching into the refrigerator and pulling out a bottle.

"How can you say that?" Mastermind gasped as he once again pulled himself into a stool. "I though you of all people would be sick of life."

"Nope," Sabertooth grabbed some mugs and plopped them on the counter. "Life is great. You just gotta find the good stuff. Fighting, killing, eating, terrorizing people out of their minds, women…well some women anyway. And the best thing is this," he indicated the bottle.

"What is it?" Mastermind asked cautiously.

"It's my special brew," Sabertooth grinned. "Strongest stuff I got."

"Great, now my insides will be torn apart to match my outsides," Mastermind groaned.

Sabertooth opened the bottle and glared at Mastermind. "Mastermind, the pains of mutants are unkind! A never-ending symphony of cruelty and brutality, agony, torture and rat-behind."

"Huh?" Mastermind looked at Sabertooth. "Are you singing?"

Sabertooth ignored him. "And no one's worse off than the Acolyte Mastermind! Though every day may be a living *ell, I must admit life sometimes has its brighter side as well!" He poured the contents of the bottle into the two mugs.

"You've been playing with catnip or something haven't you?" Mastermind groaned in realization.

Sabertooth took his mug and finished it off in one gulp. "I like life! Life likes me! Life and I fairly fully agree."

"I think I'd rather be set on fire again," Mastermind moaned. "Oh well, might as well try to dull the pain." He sighed and took a swig from his mug.

Sabertooth kept singing. "Life is fine! Life is good! 'Specially mine which is just as it should be! I like pouring the booze and why not?" He grabbed the bottle and refilled their mugs. "Life's a pleasure that I deny not!" They both took long drinks from their mugs and finished them off.

Sabertooth walked back over to the refrigerator to get another bottle. "I like life! Here and now! Life and I made a mutual vow! Till I die! Life and I! We'll both try to be better somehow!"

Sabertooth rummaged through the refrigerator. "And if life were a woman she would be my wife!"

"Why?" asked a now drunken Mastermind.

Sabertooth spun around. "Why? Because I like life!"

"That's all very well for you, but not for me," Mastermind slurred. "I hate life."

"Nonsense man! Why?" Sabertooth asked as he fished out another bottle from the refrigerator and walked back to the counter.

"Because life hates me, that's why! Hic!"

Sabertooth laughed. "Mastermind, you're an even bigger fool than I took you for! And that's saying something!" Sabertooth bent down to look Mastermind right in the face. "Now you listen to me. I like life!"

Silence.

"Well, go on!"

"I like life," Mastermind said weakly.

"That's better!" Sabertooth praised. "Life likes me!"

"Life likes me," Mastermind repeated.

"Good! Good! I make life a perpetual spree!"

"Perpetual spree," Mastermind slurred.

"Eating food!"

"Drinking booze! Hic!"

"Thinking who'd like the privilege to dine me!"

"I like drinking the drink I'm drinking!" Mastermind giggled.

"That's better, Mastermind!" Sabertooth said straightening up. "I like thinking the thoughts I'm thinking! I like songs! I like dance! I hear music and I'm in a trance!"

"Tra la la!" Mastermind sang.

"Oom-pa-pah!" Sabertooth responded as he opened the bottle and refilled their mugs.

"Chances are we shall get up and prance!" Both Acolytes sang as they got up and linked arms.

"Where there's music and laughter happiness is rife!" Sabertooth sang.

"Why?" Mastermind asked.

"Why? Because I like life!" Both Acolytes sang and danced around, drinking from their mugs, completely unaware of anything else.

Meanwhile, Remy, Piotr, and Pyro returned to the kitchen after calling a timeout from their game and deciding to get something to drink. As they reached the doorway they all looked on in shock at the sight.

Mastermind and Sabertooth never noticed their presence. "Where there's music and laughter happiness is rife! Why? Because I like life! See how much we like life!"

"Well here's a sight I never thought I'd see," Remy blinked.

"I think I am mentally scarred for life," Piotr groaned.

"They're both roaring drunk aren't they?" Pyro asked.

"Na," Remy said. "Only Mastermind is drunk. Sabes can't get drunk so he must have gotten into catnip again."

"Well in that case there's only one thing to do," Pyro clasped his hands. "I'll go get the camcorder!"

"Pyro you know better than to suggest something like that," Remy scolded. "We can just use the base's surveillance cameras and get their actions from the beginning."

"Right, I forgot. Let's go to the Control Room!" Pyro ran off.

"We are going to blackmail them, correct?" Piotr asked as headed away from the kitchen.

"Probably," Remy replied. "On the other hand, I wonder how much Wolverine would pay to see this?"

Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution or the song "I Like Life".