"Okay, House, reach into the bag."
Cameron was dangling a velvet pouch in front of House.
"Why? Is there gross slime in there? Because you can't kid a kidder," he said.
"No, it's the names for this year's Secret Santa," she said.
House smirked at her.
"Cameron, what part of Bah and Humbug don't you understand?" he said.
"I know, I know," Cameron said. "Ebenezer Scrooge has nothing on you. But you might surprise yourself and actually enjoy it."
"How many years have you worked for me?" House said.
"Three."
"And how many times have you asked me to do Secret Santa?"
"Including today? Three."
"And how many times have I said no?"
"Including today?" Cameron said, smiling hopefully. "Two?"
"The correct answer is three."
"You can't not do Secret Santa," Cameron protested.
"Oh, you'd be surprised what I can not do. I have a lot of practice not doing things."
"What I mean is, you can't not do Secret Santa, because I already put your name in the bag and someone may have already picked you."
"If someone wants to buy me a pair of sock, I will not stop them."
"There needs to be an even number."
"Then put your name in twice."
Cameron looked positively crestfallen.
House rolled his eyes.
"Gimme," he grumbled, gesturing for the pouch, almost annoyed by how much her face lit up.
He reached into the bag, pulled out a slip of paper, unfolded and read it. Then he smiled.
"This is going to be fun," he said.
#####
Cameron, in her infinite wisdom, decided they should exchange 6 gifts (Six was actually compromise. At one point, she wanted 12—one for each of the "12 Days of Christmas"—but that idea was quickly shot down). On the final day, they'd meet in the DDx room for the big reveal.
House's first gift was waiting for him on his office chair.
He frowned at it, shook it.
"How thrilling," he said. His team was peering at him curiously from the DDx room.
"Any guesses? A letter opener? A set of chopsticks?" House said.
He unwrapped the gift.
"Perfect," he said, almost pleased by how lame the gift was. "A pen."
Then he looked closer.
"A camera pen?"
He held the pen's tiny lens up to his eye.
"Cool," he said, involuntarily—then quickly remembered his team was watching. "Actually not a terrible gift," he said nonchalantly.
#####
Cuddy opened her first gift in front of Wilson.
She smiled and chuckled when she saw what it was: A stuffed hedgehog.
"I love hedgehogs," she said, hugging it. "I used to collect all-things-hedgehog when I was a kid."
She stared at the gift, marveling.
"Do you think it's a coincidence? Or do you think someone actually did their homework?"
Wilson gave a sneaky smile. He loved this time of year.
"Hard to say," he said.
###
House's next gift was a box of Cuban cigars. His gift after that was a pair of tickets to the Wynton Marsalis show at the Blue Note.
That was when he went to Wilson's office.
"You're obviously my Secret Santa," he said.
"You think so, huh?" Wilson said.
"Yes. And I'm just here to say, keep up the good work. That Marsalis show was sold out."
"At the Blue Note?" Wilson said, perking up. "Someone got you a pair of tickets to the Wynton Marsalis show at the Blue Note?"
"As if you don't already know," House said, squinting at him. "Nice performance by the way. I guess feigning ignorance isn't much of a personal stretch for you."
"What makes you so sure it's me?"
"Who else?"
"Why not Cuddy?" Wilson said, his eyes twinkling a bit.
House gave a derisive laugh.
"Like Cuddy would buy me such cool gifts."
#####
Cuddy's next gift was a first edition copy of Wuthering Heights, her favorite book. The following gift was even more remarkable: A bracelet that was almost identical to one she had lost a few years back, in the flurry of activity after a huge fire sent dozens of people to the ER.
"You really outdid yourself, Wilson," she said over lunch.
"Me?" Wilson said, taking a bite of his tuna sandwich. "What makes you so sure it's me?"
"Who else? These gifts are all thoughtful, sweet, and demonstrate an enormous amount of planning."
"Why not House?" he asked, raising his eyebrows. "I'm not the only thoughtful guy around this hospital, you know."
And Cuddy just laughed in his face.
####
That same day, Chase and Cameron were having lunch.
"I think I know who my Secret Santa is," Cameron said, confidently.
Chase nearly choked on his salad.
"You do?" he sputtered.
"I think it's House," Cameron said.
Chase furrowed his brow.
"Why do you think that?"
"I don't know. A girl senses these things," Cameron said, smiling and idly playing with a strand of hair. "Like, I got a DVD of Sleepless in Seattle. House is always giving me grief for liking 'those horrible vagina flicks,' as he puts it."
"We all tease you about that," Chase mumbled.
"And then I got this really expensive bottle of French perfume."
"House isn't really the perfume-giving type," Chase said.
"Oh, you'd be surprised," Cameron said dreamily. "He can be very romantic when he puts his mind to it."
####
Later, in the DDx room, Cameron practically thrust her neck under House's nostrils.
"What are you doing?" he asked, recoiling a bit.
"New perfume," she said coquettishly. "You like?"
House looked puzzled, but he sniffed the air.
"Yeah, I guess it smells okay," he said.
####'
"Wilson is playing innocent," House said. "But I know it's him."
He was sitting next to Cuddy on her office couch, ostensibly to discuss a case, but mostly to see if she had any idea who his Secret Santa was.
(House's most recent gift: An amazing bottle of 18 year old scotch.)
"Wilson can't be your Secret Santa," Cuddy protested. "Because he's my Secret Santa."
"Ha, you wish," House said. "I got James Bond's pen, contraband cigars, 18-year-old scotch, and tickets to a concert that he only bought me because he's convinced I'll take him."
"Are you taking him?" Cuddy said.
"Undecided," House said.
Cuddy raised her eyebrows.
"Maybe I'm your Secret Santa," she said, mischievously.
"First of all, if you were my Secret Santa, you wouldn't just volunteer that information—have you never read a mystery novel in your entire life, woman?" he said. "Also, if you were really my Secret Santa I'd be getting stuff like ties and shoe polish."
"And an iron," she added. She reached over and smoothed his shirt, her hand touching his chest.
House pretended to be put off by the gesture, but he secretly loved when Cuddy manhandled him.
"If Wilson is your Secret Santa," Cuddy said. "Who's mine?"
"Why not me?"
"House, you just said that the real Secret Santa wouldn't just volunteer the information."
"That could've been a double fake-out," House said. "You really haven't read any mystery novels, have you?"
"Anyway, if it was you, you'd buy me a thong and a negligee."
"And a pair of handcuffs," he said, raising his eyebrows.
She swatted him.
They both leaned back on the couch. House put his feet up. Cuddy unconsciously mimicked him. He tried, in vain, not to stare at her perfect legs.
"Well, whoever my Secret Santa is," Cuddy said. "I must confess, I'm feeling rather warmly toward him."
House eyed her.
"You wanna go to a Wynton Marsalis concert with me?"
#####
Later that day, as Cuddy was leaving the employee lounge, she bumped right smack into House.
"Hands under the blouse or over?" he said happily.
"What?"
"Look up."
Mistletoe.
"That wasn't there before," she protested.
"Cuddy, it's been there for three weeks. You just never noticed it."
"Really?"
"Really."
"Okay," she looked in the lounge, which was empty, and then down the hall.
The fact that she was making sure they were alone was very promising, House thought.
Then she smiled, got on her tip-toes and gave House a kiss so tantalizingly soft and sexy, he had to think about cadavers and oozing boils to suppress a boner.
"See you later House," she said, sashaying away, knowing he was watching her.
He grinned, reached up, grabbed the mistletoe that he had hung up a few minutes earlier, and put it in his pocket.
#####
It was the day of the big reveal.
All of House's team, plus Cuddy, Wilson, and the few nurses, were gathered around the DDx table.
Wilson opened his gift first: A pair of socks.
"So what creative soul is my Secret Santa?" he asked ironically.
"That would be me," Foreman said.
Wilson shrugged. "Of course," he said.
Then Cameron opened her gift: A beautiful silk scarf.
"Wow," she said, caressing the silk. "I love it. Reveal yourself, Secret Santa."
She was staring at House when she said it.
"Hi," Chase said, getting her attention, with a little half wave.
Cameron looked at him, surprised, trying to mask her disappointment.
"It was you the whole time?" she said.
"The whole time," he said, smiling at her. "Sometimes we have a hard time focusing on the things that are closest to us."
"Deep, Confucius," Foreman said. "Now open your gift."
It was a key ring shaped like a surfboard.
"Righteous!" Chase said.
"Hang Nine . . . or 10. . or whatever it is you hang," Wilson said.
"Thanks, brah," Chase said. And they high-fived.
Now House and Cuddy exchanged a look. If Wilson was Chase's Secret Santa. . .
House opened his gift first: A very expensive looking tie and a bottle of shoe polish. His mouth dropped open a bit.
"You?" he said to Cuddy.
She smiled.
"You little minx," he said, impressed. Then he said: "Your turn."
She opened her gift: A tasteful, but skimpy, silk nightgown.
"You?" she said, incredulous.
"Guilty as charged."
"But how did you know about the hedgehogs?"
"You had that calendar thingy on your wall at school," House said.
"And the bracelet?"
"I remembered how upset you were when you lost it," he said casually. "It's actually not that hard to recreate a piece of jewelry."
Cuddy rested her chin on her hand and gave him a slightly blissed out smile.
"So you'll wear your new tie to the concert on Friday?"
"You're taking her to the Marsalis concert?" Wilson whined.
House ignored him.
"As long as you promise to wear that nightgown," he said.
"What? Under my dress?"
"Not quite what I had in mind," House said with a dirty grin. "But it's a start."
"Ahem."
Cameron was looking at them, her arms folded.
"I hate to break up this little love fest," she said testily. "But we still have several names on the pouch."
THE END