AN:/ Holy shit guys. JFC really! For years, people have been pm-ing me about this stupid fucking story. YEARS. I thought, oh maybe it will fade quietly into the background and everyone will forget about it. But nope, without fail, every one or two months, someone would review or mention something. And they are all so fucking hopeful and nice about it too. I don't know how many times I've explained that I have no more ideas for this story. I have no clue where the plot is going. I haven't touched the thing in eons. I. DON'T. KNOW. WHAT. TO. DO. And yesterday, oh man yesterday, i got two notes about it. TWO. In ONE DAY. on a story I hadn't updated in close to THREE YEARS. So FINE! okay? YOU WIN! I'll do my best to finish the stupid story! It's gonna be shit, probably, but i'll try. You are all evil and if you needed a reason to believe that leaving reviews on dead stories works sometimes feel free to use this instance as evidence. Ya hoosiers.

Batman Doesn't 'Do' Magic

Chapter Fourteen

by: deadlydaisy8o8

Originally Uploaded: Wednesday, November 29, 2017, 8:50AM

The very first thing Batman did when he got back to his rooms was to put the unconscious rat in the claw-footed tub in the bathroom while he moved to seal up all of the entrances to his apartment. Nightmare who had been hanging from the edge of the bookcase, squeaked and flapped at the quickness of Batman's movements. Batman ripped the sheet from his bed, once again, and put it to good use by tearing it in half and stuffing it in the gap under the doorframe. Next he took the remaining half and tore that into thirds to use elsewhere.

Curiously, there was no drain in the tub. Which is why Batman had felt safe leaving the rat inside it when he went to go get the supplies he would need. There was however a drain in the sink and a drain in the toilet. He took one third of the sheet and plugged the drain in the sink, and another third to plug the pipe in the toilet.

This took care of all of the holes in his rooms that the rat could use to get out. This way even if the rat woke while he was restraining him and slipped out of his grasp, the rat would have nowhere to go, or be slowed down enough for Batman to recapture it.

Batman had one sixth of a queen sized bed sheet left and he wasted no time putting it to good use. Batman used the razors on his gauntlets one last time to cut the section of fabric lengthwise into two-inch wide strips. When the entire sheet was finally gone, the last of it made into the strips in his hands, Batman moved back to the bathroom to restrain his prisoner.

Laying the strips of fabric over the edge of the tub and sitting on the closed toilet lid, Batman picked the still asleep rat up from the tub and started to wrap the strips one by one around the little rats body, tight as he could get them without cutting off circulation or constricting his little lungs. He tucked in the rats feet against its body and spooled the strips around them, turning the rat effectively into a legless lump with a head and a tail. The best the rat would be able to do was roll around. Saving the last strip, Batman took off his gloves and carefully frayed the fabric. He picked out the long threads to use to tie the little creatures mouth shut. He wound the thread tightly around the little mouth making sure that the pest would not be able to open it to chew its way out. Only its little twitching nose was left exposed so that it could breathe.

This was not the first idea Batman had had about restraining the rat. No, on the entire trip back to his apartments he had attempted to think of ways to construct some sort of cage or box for the vermin. But Batman had a fair amount of experience with rats in general. It was a constant battle to keep them out of the Batcave. He knew that trying to cage a rat that was truly intent upon escape was near impossible. He had seen chew marks in some of the metal housing he used to protect his computers in the Cave. There was nothing that Batman could think of in his current inventory that would be able to hold up to the persistent teeth of a rat that was hell bent on escape. It was truly only the teeth that Batman could not find a work around for. If he could somehow keep the rat from being able to chew anything, he would have many more options available to him. That is when it had occurred that the rat truly did not need a proper cage at all. Thus he had thought of simply tying the rat up and keeping it from moving to keep it contained. It could struggle all it wanted but it was not going anywhere if it could not run, wiggle, or squirm away from its binds. Now all the materials he would need were some type of rope and something to keep the rat from chewing the binds. Both of which Batman could fashion out of the materials he had in his apartments.

Just as Batman was tying the very last knot and tucking in the last two loose ends, the rat in his hand started to twitch. Turning the rat over to look at it Batman felt it wiggle and then it opened its eyes and started to squeak as loudly as it could.

Nightmare, who had been idly poking around the top of the bookcase waiting for Batman to settle down, let out a returning squeak and quickly flew to the bathroom, landing atop the shower curtain rod, to see what the origin of the noise was.

Batman let out a short huff as he glanced to the bat who had just flown into the bathroom before he turned his attention back to the rat in his hands. The rat wiggled as best as it could with the binds that restricted it. It thrashed its head and whipped its tail fruitlessly, shrieking in panic through its closed mouth. It was with little fanfare that Batman held the struggling vermin up to eye level and said one thing.

"Peter Petigrew." Immediately the rat shut up and became still. It looked directly into Batman's white slits, unnaturally attentive for a second too long to be an accident or a reflex, before it was back to struggling and shrieking as loud as it could. Batman's scowl deepened exponentially. There was of course no concrete evidence as of yet for the rats true identity, but the reaction of the rat to this specific name was telling. Batman slowly started to squeeze his fist.

"You're supposed to be a dead man Peter. Continue to whine and I might be persuaded to fix the oversight." The rat quit its screeching abruptly once more, its breaths now coming in short little pants. Batman didn't relax his fist. The second silence only further confirmed in Batman's mind what was rapidly changing from hunch to workable theory. Batman examined the rat in his fist once more before he continued to speak.

"If I am correct, you have been running for twelve years. In my line of work there are only two types of people who run for so long," Batman paused tightening his grip on the rodent ever so slightly, causing it to wheeze, "Those who have tremendous fear, and those who are truly guilty. Know that I will find out which you are. And when I do, Peter Petigrew, you will get the justice you rightly deserve." Batman aimed a particularly intense glare at the now silent rat before he relaxed his fist and set the now limbless rodent back into the tub.

As soon as Batman stood and walked out of the bathroom, Nightmare swooped down menacingly over the tub with an awful screech before darting out after Batman and landing upon his shoulder

Batman checked over his prisoner one last time before discerning that the binds would hold for at least a day. He set the lump of rodent back into the tub having just unwound the threads around the rats mouth to allow it to get a drink of water and to eat a bit of food. Though Batman was tempted to let the annoying thing go without until he could get back to his rooms. All night, every half hour or so the rat would start to squeak in its pitiful way; and Nightmare every half hour or so would let out a much scarier sounding shriek and fly from his perch on the bookcase in the bedroom to harass the little lump in the tub by flapping his wings and snapping his teeth until he became quiet.

Nightmare let out a series of clicks as he draped himself over Batman's shoulder, clinging to the fabric of his cape there. Batman sighed and gently picked the little bat up off of his shoulder and placed him in such a way that he could latch onto the shower curtain. He seemed reluctant until Batman spoke.

"I need someone to watch him." At this he happily clicked and grabbed with his feet onto the shower curtain. He let out a warning shriek at the rat in the tub as he readjusted his wings around him to start resting for the day.

Batman went about his day not really paying attention to anything that was going on in classes. His attention was already focused on what he was going to do about his newest prisoner.

Batman took his usual seats in his usual classrooms and did his best to blend into the walls around him. Most of the time he was only attentive enough to recall the incantation or the theory that was being taught before he would absorb himself in his other tasks. Before his latest foray into the world of Magical Criminal Justice, Batman had been attempting to create a full blueprint of a zeta beam from memory and from what theory he knew. He had more than a few pieces of parchment crammed full of notations and designs of what he could recall or deduce based on his own knowledge of how teleportation worked, but Batman himself was not an expert in the construction of zeta beams.

It was true that he had enough knowledge of metaphysics and engineering to maybe possibly build a functioning machine from scratch if he could get the supplies, space, and time that he needed. But he himself had not been an integral part of the technologies development. He had kept a close eye on the project, of course. But he had left the actual building of the machine to other scientist and heroes, having had other more important projects to attend to. Batman knew enough of the machine to repair it when they were short staffed on the Watchtower. He knew the general concepts that went into making the machine operational, but he was no expert.

Building a zeta tube from scratch was a massive undertaking, even when all of the resources to build one were available. Building one alone, without easy access to resources, was going to be near impossible.

So while Batman had not given up on the notion, as it was one of the few options available to him, he had not been overly concerned about it either. In order to even make building a Zeta Beam plausible he had to first cultivate enough social and political capital in this world to get himself the resources he would need. So far that had been his main focus; orienting himself in this world and its operations.

Thus his involvement with the case of the escaped mass murder Sirius Black. Beyond the fact that an escaped convict was putting the children of a school, its staff, and himself in danger, it was an opportunity for him to establish himself in this world as a figure to be reckoned with. It was obvious that this case was a media sensation, as well as a political catastrophe on the part of the Ministry of Magic. He had done enough research in the archives of the Library to know this. If he could bring down this criminal it could go a significant way towards building his reputation, and getting him closer to getting back to his own world.

Currently he was in a transfiguration class attempting to hash out some of the possibilities for the case and the rat he was currently holding hostage in his bathtub. He had filled up an entire sheet of parchment with notes on his investigation. None of it was English, of course; it was all written in Kryptonian. He had not seen anything to suggest that a Justice League or a Superman existed on this world, and if they did, anyone with the ability to read Kryptonian coming into contact with his notes was slim.

His main focus was figuring out how to get substantial proof to support his hypothesis that Peter Pettigrew was an animaigus and had been in hiding for thirteen years for some as of yet unknown reason. The fact of the matter however, was that Batman didn't have the knowledge or tools in this world to come up with enough evidence to prove or disprove his theory. Batman was rapidly coming to the conclusion that he knew very little about magic and that was going to be a very large problem; especially if he did not have the aid of his electronic gadgets to help him with collecting sufficient evidence. The increasingly painful and very unfortunate truth was, Batman was most probably going to need some sort of help.

"Mr. Batman. Is there something I can help you with?" Batman looked up to Professor McGonagall who was standing before his desk her arms crossed. She tapped her finger against her arm impatiently. Batman looked up from his paper. He noticed the way that she stood stiffly as if uncomfortable or ready to fight at a moments notice.

His answer was a simple, "No."

"Well then perhaps you could take a small break from whatever it is you are doing and participate with the rest of the class?" Batman paused to look around and took a conscious note for the first time that the rest of the class had been attempting to turn jewelry boxes into turtles for the better part of an hour. A jewelry box that had sprouted stubby little turtle legs tumbled off the side of a table with a clatter. He took a moment to appreciate the absolute absurdity of what was going on around him before he turned his attention back to his case notes, once again answering with a simple, "No."

"Excuse me?"

"No I do not believe I will be participating this class session." The rest of the room suddenly got very quiet. Batman resisted the urge to sigh as he felt the stares of the class rest on him. He noted the professor in front of him shift her weight.

"Oh? And why, might I ask, is that so?" Batman allowed himself a brief moment to collect himself before he put down the quill he had been using and gave all of his attention to the professor before him.

"I believe that we can both agree my participation in these 'magic classes' is a farce at best. I have no use for magic, beyond my getting it under control and understanding its ramifications, which I have already done. Therefore it would be a better use of our time, if instead of 'becoming acclimated'; that I would instead focus on attempting to return to my own dimension.

Would you not agree that attempting to return to my own dimension is a better utilization of my time than learning to turn jewelry boxes into turtles?" Complete silence from the rest of the class. Professor McGonagall attempted to remain stern as she crossed her arms tightly over her chest. She opened her mouth, but found that she had nothing to say. Batman merely nodded at her, as if she had agreed wholeheartedly with what he had just said.

"Exactly. So to satisfy both the headmaster, and my own sensibilities, I have elected to attend class as directed, apply the bare minimum of effort to these magical studies, and instead use the time to attempt to find a solution to my problem. Today I don't believe my participation is necessary towards any long-term goals. Instead I decided to put effort into getting a way home. Do you find the explanation for my abstinence satisfactory?"

Professor McGonagall had had time now, to get her wits about her. She looked at Batman once again under a new light. She couldn't help but agree with what the man was saying because of the misgivings she herself had about Batman lingering with the student populous. Batman held her gaze without any visible anxiety.

"I will inform the Headmaster of your grievances. You are dismissed." Batman stood from his seat and now loomed over the transfiguration professor. He gave her a very short nod before he gathered the paper and the quill he had been using and silently made his exit.

"Albus we have to do something different with him. He is more aware of the fallacies in his situation than you seem to be. Exactly what purpose do you have for allowing this near complete stranger to wander unsupervised among the student populous?" Dumbledore pursed his lips and leaned back in his chair. It was not too often that he was made to feel like a scolded child anymore. As it so happens Minerva McGonagall had a special talent for eliciting that response from him.

"Minerva, please. I don't-"

"Albus!" Dumbledore now allowed himself to look despondent.

"We need him."

"For what exactly? Halloween decorations?"

"He can protect the students."

"Did I not just say-"

"He is obviously very skilled Minerva. From what little I've witnessed, I do not doubt that he is a capable fighter. It is very true that we don't know a lot about where he comes from, but I think we know enough about who he is to keep him in the school." Minerva planted her hands on her hips and narrowed her eyes at the old man behind the desk.

"What exactly makes you think you know the man Albus? He's only been here for a few weeks!" Minerva had to work very hard to keep from rolling her eyes when Dumbledore's eyes lit up and the corners of his mouth twitched at the question.

"Wasn't it you, Minerva, who came to me to report that Batman had helped a one Bethany Tilima on the first day of class when she was having trouble?" Dumbledore waited for a response but when it became clear that McGonagall was not going to give one he continued on.

"All of the teachers have been saying good things about him. Hagrid told me the heroic tale of how Batman saved Draco Malfoy from beneath the peddling claws of a Hippogriff. Madame Hooch had only to say that he was helpful towards the young unconfident fliers when she was distracted. And I might have had to wheedle it out of Severus, but Batman seems to be helping all of the students he is paired with in Potions. Mr. Lupin has had nothing negative to say, if maybe that the man is a little odd and makes the atmosphere of the classroom… difficult. But not one professor has come up to me and reported that he has posed a danger to the students."

Minerva composed herself before she let out a long exhale. "Because he has not proved dangerous to the students yet, doesn't mean that he won't eventually. I think you are conveniently forgetting about the fact that this Batman character completely incapacitated a fully matured Whomping Willow, subdued a particularly horrific bogart, and has attacked Severus on numerous occasions; all without the use of magic. We don't know who this man is! We don't even know his real name. You are being reckless with the children's safety and I will not allow it any longer. This Batman is no longer welcome in my classes. He has no desire to be there, and frankly he is correct in assuming that I did not want him there either."

Dumbledore now looked sad. "Minerva he could be a great asset to our cause. Think of the possib-"

McGonagall turned on her heal towards the door. "I am thinking of the students we are charged to protect Albus. I suggest you do as well."

"…and later I found this on my wand handle. And Now I'm not sure what I should do."

Bethany, Justin, and Mandy stared at Neville for a long moment in exasperation before they all huffed and said, "Gryphindors."

Neville blushed furiously and feebly defended himself with a small 'hey!'

Mandy shook her head before she leaned forward and held out her hand, "Well I can tell you one thing, and that is that you're certainly not going to be keeping your little souvenir of the whole ordeal. It's bad enough that you've got the biggest snoop in the entire school on your back, your not going to go around carrying incriminating evidence."

When Neville hesitated for only a moment Justin scoffed, "Please don't be stupid Neville you've dug yourself a big enough hole as it is."

With remorse Neville proceeded to pick the little bat-shaped object off of his wand handle and drop it into Mandy's outstretched hand. Bethany patted Neville lightly on the back, "It's alright Neville I'm sure you can have it back when all of this has blown over. I bet your could even put it onto a bracelet or something."

Neville looked hopelessly between the three of them, "But what are we going to tell Hermione and Ron?"

Mandy's head snapped up from her bag. "What do you mean 'what are we going to tell Hermione and Ron'? None of us are going to tell anybody anything." There were nods from around the table while Neville just sputtered.

"We can't just not tell them. They are fighting because Scabbers disappeared. It's Ron's rat to begin with, don't you think he has a right to know." Bethany looked to the hands in her lap guiltily, while Mandy looked off into the corner. Justin only shook his head.

"Neville we can't just tell them about what happened. Think about this logically for a moment. You say you saw Batman sneak into your dorms last night. You rolled over and fell asleep before you saw him take any definitive action. So technically you don't know any concrete information to begin with about the whereabouts of Ron's rat. So we can't really prove anything one way or the other.

Secondly if we told anyone your story, the only thing that is going to be accomplished is that Batman is going to get in trouble for sneaking into the Gryffindor's boys dormitory. That, I'm assuming, is against the rules, and Batman could be seriously punished for breaking them.

Thirdly, we don't know why Batman would want to steal a rat in the first place. Honestly he doesn't quite seem like the type of man to go around stealing children's pets for the fun of it. There is something we obviously don't know about the situation and it could be very important. All he did, and we are technically assuming here since you didn't actually see anything, was break in and steal Ron's rat for whatever reason. It's not exactly a capitol offence. It's just a rat. Nobody is physically hurt or missing because of the act. The best option we have right now is to sit on the information and see what comes of it." Neville just sort of gapped at the little first year that this wellspring of analysis has just come out of before he turned to the Hufflepuffs at the table.

"What am I supposed to tell Hermione then! She's going to corner me sometime and I can't lie to save my life. She's not going to just leave me alone." Mandy sighed and leaned forward on the table.

"Look, Neville, if Hermione comes up to you and starts to ask you about the rat, you don't have to come up with anything clever. Just go blank. Make an excuse to get away and do something else, or don't say anything at all. Hermione is already suspicious of you, and she's not going to let it go until she gets an answer. Its not like we're trying to throw her off the scent, you just have to stay quiet and not give anything away. Sure it will be uncomfortable, but it's not hard."

Bethany frowned and wrung her hands in her lap. Mandy had become something like her surrogate big sister over the last weeks and she was wary or questioning her, but still, lying seemed like a bad thing to do. "I don't know. Maybe Neville is right. Keeping secrets like that doesn't sound very nice. Can't we at least explain to them that Hermione's cat didn't eat the rat without giving anything away?"

Mandy smiled at the little first year, "We could yes, but it would make things more complicated than they need to be. Gryffindors don't respect secrets the same way we Puffs do Bethany. We know that sometimes keeping a secret means being loyal and faithful to a friend. It's like this: if I told you that I secretly think that Snape's robes are cool but that I wanted you to keep it a secret, you wouldn't tell anyone else right? Not even for a chocolate frog?" Bethany quickly shook her head no. Mandy patted Bethany on the shoulder and then continued, "Right. Now lets say that someone found out that you knew my secrets and wanted you to tell them. Would you try to lie and convince them that you didn't know my secrets, or would you just say you were sorry, but that you were going to keep my secrets for me because I am your friend?"

Bethany thought for a moment before she slowly nodded her head. "I would just tell them they were out of luck and that my lips were sealed. Alright I guess that makes sense. But I still feel bad for Neville's friends. They don't know any different." Mandy sighed and gently squeezed Bethany's shoulder.

"Well Neville's friends also happen to be the biggest snoops I have ever met so don't feel too bad. It's a rare thing when those three aren't getting into someone's business. We just have to make sure that they don't get into ours." There was a somber silence around the table as the four shuffled their homework around to return to their study session now that the drama had passed. Before Justin dove into his charms essay he had one last question.

"Just what are you going to do with that little bat thing anyway?" Now Mandy smiled.

"No one outside of Hufflepuff has ever found the Hufflepuff common room. I think it will be safe enough from prying eyes with me. Don't you worry. In the mean time, How far have you gotten on that potions essay? Snape has a particular way he likes the one on Acontite done and without an upper year to tell you how he likes it there is no way you'll get a passing grade.