Okay so here's the first chapter of a rather unusual fic I've decided to write. I hope you all like it. It's very dark and there are themes of rape, violence and angst throughout the fic. This is a Fem Merlin fic. Merlin was always a girl, posing as a boy. It's slightly AU, and I hope you all enjoy it.

Now for those of you who are waiting for me to update my other Merlin (or Naruto) fics. There is a very good reason that I am putting up a new fic today but not updating all the others. The reason for this is because I haven't got updates for everything yet. I started writing this fic and it took over my brain. I'm actually writing the last chapter today. So this fic is basically sitting here doing nothing, and I'm just... over excited to see people's reactions to it. But... I also have a firm belief in the idea that you start as you mean to go on. Seeing as it is New Year's Day, I'm trying to be extremely productive so that I will be productive all year. So if I post a fic today, I will (in theory) be posting and updating throughout the year on a good basis (I hope). So this is a taster of things to come. Hopefully I will keep on updating and such throughout the year in a regular basis.

Small note, at the beginning of each chapter will be some song lyrics that I think fit the chapter in some way. There may be a verse, or a line, depending on what I think suits. The names of the song and artist will come after the lyrics. Thanks for taking time to read this note. LOL! Now on with the story.

SUMMARY: Born in violence, raised in sadness, living in eternal hope. Mordred always had a history, but history is what you make it. As he tries to save the people who mean the most to him, will he cause more harm than good? Fem-Merlin fic.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

History Is What You Make It.

Chapter 1.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

"Come ride with me,

Through the veins of history,

I'll show you how God,

Falls asleep on the job.

And how can we win,

When fools can be Kings,

Don't waste your time,

Or Time will waste you.

No one's gonna take me alive,

The time has come to make things right,

You and I must fight for our rights,

You and I must fight to survive." Knights of Cydonia – Muse

"Mordred." Mordred looked at Arthur Pendragon. He'd been deep in thought before the King had smiled at him and clapped him on the shoulder. It was close to the time where he would have to make a choice. It was a sadistic choice, that felt like a double-edged sword in his heart and soul and as he thought about it, it was like twisting the sword entwined with his emotions. But Mordred already knew what he had to do. The sadistic choice was whether or not he could do it. Mordred saw Merlin a few feet off from the Knights, sat on the steps that led to the courtyard. No one knew the truth that Mordred did. No one knew that Merlin was actually a woman. She had hidden that secret along with her magic from everyone, apart from Gaius and her mother, but Mordred knew. He knew because Merlin was his mother. A mother he had loved and lost already, but had travelled back in time so that he could have that little extra time with her. Those memories that others had shared with him were not enough. They couldn't be enough. He remembered the day she died as though it had happened yesterday.

xXxXxXx FLASHBACK xXxXxXx

"Mordred!" Mordred has been playing in his little room. Grandpa Gaius had given him a heavy tome to read and Mordred was just getting to the interesting part when his mother had burst in. "Mordred! Come! Quickly!" Merlin had said. Her hair was still cropped short and she was dressed in her old blue tunic and breeches, her red neckerchief around her neck. She was in her boy transformation. Mordred was used to this by now, knowing that his mother would only allow him and Grandpa Gaius to see her true female form. The transformation spell, made Merlin look like a man, but she was most definitely a woman. Mordred could see that she was terrified. Mordred was six years old, but he knew that something was very wrong.

"Merlin what's wrong?" Gaius asked. Merlin looked at Gaius, the fear in her eyes seemed to be growing.

"Morgana has attacked Camelot. I have to get Mordred out of the city and then try to save Arthur and Gwen before she gets to them. She hasn't gotten to the citadel yet." Merlin said. Gaius seemed shell shocked as his mother, grabbed a pack and threw clothes in. Mordred's clothes. She grabbed her old spell book from its hiding place and threw his green cloak around his shoulders.

"Mother what's wrong?" Mordred remembered asking.

"I have to take you somewhere so you'll be safe my Mordred. You need to hide in the forest and if the worst should happen, Kilgarrah will come for you." Merlin told him. She hugged him tightly and then threw her old jacket on. She looked at Gaius. "Give Grandpa Gaius a hug and kiss goodbye sweetheart." Merlin told Mordred gently. Mordred did hug the old man.

"I will see you again won't I grandpa?" Mordred asked. Gaius had smiled at him.

"You will most definitely see me again my boy." Gaius said. Then Merlin had hugged Gaius.

"I love you, you crazy old goat. You've been so much more of a father then I ever thought I'd have." Merlin said to Gaius. Gaius hugged Merlin back.

"Be careful Merlin. My old heart won't be able to take losing you." Gaius replied. "You've always been the child I never had." Gaius added. Merlin nodded and picked Mordred up.

"Mordred, you must listen to me. I'm going to get you out of the castle and you must go into the woods, to the clearing where we meet Kilgarrah. Do you understand?" Merlin asked.

"I understand Mother. What about you? Won't you be with me?" Mordred asked.

"I will. I will find you later my darling. I have to distract the guards and you have to go to woods. Promise me Mordred." Merlin had pleaded.

"I promise Mother." Mordred replied. Soon enough, Mordred was outside the castle.

"You must be careful. Don't let anyone see you. I'll go and save Uncle Arthur and Auntie Gwen and I will try and come to you as soon as I can." Merlin said gently. Mordred nodded. "Go my darling." Merlin whispered. Mordred went.

xXxXxXx END FLASHBACK XxXxXx

She sent him away to protect him. But he'd come back, come back to see her dying. He'd gotten frightened when the sun had started going down and his mother still hadn't come for him. She'd never left him alone for so long. He sometimes wished he had never gone back that day, because he would never forget what he had seen.

xXxXxXx FLASHBACK xXxXxXx

Mordred had crept into the castle again. He was frightened by how many soldiers there were everywhere. Mordred found his mother in the great hall. She was lying on the ground and there was a pool of blood around her. She was pale, her eyes mirrored his own, as they always had, and Mordred had knelt by her side, taking her hand.

"Mother! I need to get Grandpa Gaius." Mordred had said to her. She was bleeding heavily, and there was a gaping wound in her stomach. Mordred was frightened. He'd never known real fear before, but seeing his mother like this had given him fear. Merlin didn't let him leave, she kept a tight hold of his small hand as she smiled at him.

"Grandpa Gaius can't help me sweetheart. I love you Mordred. Never forget that. Never. No matter what anyone says, no matter what anyone tells you. I love you more than anything in this world." His mother had said. She gently wiped the tears from his face.

"What do I do Mother?" Mordred pleaded.

"You must go back to the clearing in the forest. Kilgarrah will come for you. Go my little one. Don't let anyone find you. Run. Be safe my son." It was that moment that his mother had died. Her hand slipped down from his cheek. Mordred had picked up her hand and held it against his cheek again. She was still warm, and Mordred wanted the comfort of his mother so desperately. He didn't understand she was dead. He didn't understand why she had fallen asleep so suddenly and stopped breathing. Mordred had tried pleading and then he had shaken her shoulder vigorously, trying to rouse her. It was when he heard footsteps coming that he had finally gotten up and left his mother. He'd hidden in every secret place his mother had ever told him about in the castle, to escape Morgana's guards, all the while he had wanted to run back to his mother, make her wake up and hug him as she always had. When he got to the clearing Mordred found Kilgarrah waiting for him.

"Why did this happen? Why did my mother fall asleep and not wake up?" Mordred asked. Kilgarrah looked down at him sadly.

"Your mother is gone little one. She is in the other world with your all those you know, but she will never be forgotten. You are the last Dragonlord now, little one." Kilgarrah told him. Mordred wept bitter tears, his own magic raged in turmoil, bringing such a storm that people called it 'The Tempest of the Seven Ages' and once Mordred had finished raging and crying he had looked at the Dragon.

"What do I do now?" Mordred asked sadly.

"You will come with me. You will be safe and looked after. Your mother was my kin, just as you are. I will not allow those who took your mother to take you too." Kilgarrah said kindly.

"But where will we go?" Mordred asked.

"To the Lake of Avalon, where I will teach you all I know. When it is time, I will give you a special gift, the gift of seeing your mother's life. A piece of her will always be alive in you. Her memories will be yours, when it is time." Kilgarrah said. Mordred nodded. He wanted to know what had happened to his mother. He wanted his mother with him more than anything else in the world, but she was gone. She was gone forever and she was not going to be coming back.

xXxXxXx END FLASHBACK xXxXxXx

Mordred had ridden on Kilgarrah's back for the first time. He'd been raised at the Lake of Avalon for ten years, by the Lady of the Lake, Freya, who was a friend of his mother's, and by Kilgarrah. He'd been loved and cared for. He knew very little of his mother. The only survivors from the old days of Camelot were Sir Gwaine and Sir Percival. They had been sent out on a mission, and when they came back they found everyone dead. Mordred had learned, when he was twelve and quite by accident, that the heads of King Arthur, Queen Guinevere, Gaius, Sir Leon, his Grandmother Hunith and his beloved mother, had been put on spikes and displayed on Camelot's castle ramparts. Mordred had wept bitter tears that night, even as he thought he was too old to cry, he couldn't help thinking of the people he loved so much being disrespected. Even in death they had been given no dignity.

Those ten years passed with Gwaine and Percival visiting often. They trained him and told him stories of his mother that he hadn't known. He always begged for more, wanting every morsel that they knew of his mother. He missed her with such a palpable ache that it hurt him. It hurt him more than anything else. That was until he reached the age of sixteen. Kilgarrah had determined that it was time Mordred finally be gifted with his mother's memories, and how that hurt him. It was more of a curse than a gift.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Okay so I'm ending the chapter there. Next chapter will have Mordred seeing his mother's memories and making a big decision. Please R&R and let me know what you think. I'm curious to see people's reaction to what I've done here. This is just the introductory chapter, the next one will be much longer. I've already written it so I can say that with definite knowledge. LOL! Until next time.