Sierra: Jesus I am so so sorry... Do enjoy, without hating me too much~

This You Should Know

CHAPTER 19

~Temporary~

By AmourApricot

X+X+X

It was bustling by the time I arrived. The vendors for hot foods and warm drinks were lined along the curve of the expansive stone pathway. In the middle of this wide path were small circles of dirt, all in a line where trees had been planted. Snow still lingered heavily atop the naked branches, weighing them down, but they didn't break. Shops occupied either side of the path, all connected, all alive and illuminating. Their light shined upon the event, as if almost pushing the moon out of the way like there was no need for it. But it still hung high, glistening elegantly above all else.

Not many payed attention to me as I wandered, eyes scanning the perimeter every second, trying to grasp the one place my being was supposed to have been by now. A tall clock on a thin pole rose like a skyscraper in front of where the Christmas tree was being upholstered by many working men using tall ladders. Bulky boxes overflowing with lights and tinsel sat aside the workers, each decoration being extracted as another lovely addition to the bland but vibrantly colored tree. I found my eyes running to the clock which displayed time in roman numerals. Stupidly I stared at it for what felt like ten minutes, cemented to my place on the ponderous path.

What took me away from watching the time tick by was a young woman, arm linked within a man's, grazing my shoulder, not quite significantly, but enough for her to turn immediately, unwilling to unlink her arm, causing what I assumed was her boyfriend to stumble into her jerky turn. "Oh, I'm sorry," she said, voice sweet and apologizing.

My eyes traveled over her boyfriend, even though I tried making eye contact with her instead. My heart stopped, and I'm sure I paled at the sight of him.

Ikuto...

But it wasn't. His hair was the same shade, eyes the same freezing blue, nose and lips and face at all the right angles. Though this man looked much more mature. Older. Aged. But no wrinkles or crease marks curved in his soft and young features. But, he looked just like Ikuto. My brows creased, but not before my eyes widened.

What...? He just... He looks...

I was puzzled. It's Ikuto...but it's not. Oh, how confounding.

Briskly I forced my eyes away from the apparent look-alike and clashed glances with the bright and shining orbs staring directly at me.

Oh, Hinamori, you better hope she didn't just notice that. But silly you, why would she? It's not like you just eye-raped her boyfriend! I mentally slapped myself. Stupid conscience...

"Oh," I managed. Could you sound any MORE like a lost puppy? my conscience scolded. Inwardly I glared at her. "I'm sorry, it's alright."

The woman, whom I noticed looked just as young and carefree as the man connected to her, gave a bright, straight-teethed, glistening white smile. She was utterly beautiful in every way, from her long, silky golden hair to her gentle and curving frame, from the rounding of her face to her long eyelashes, and all around and back down again. I realized, with a sudden disconnection of the situation, that it's females like her that make me feel bad about myself. But I shook it off to return to her reply.

She giggled, and it was so adorably childish for some odd reason I found my lips spreading, perplexed. W..what? But my confusion was betraying me. Her giggle was infectious.

"Thank you, miss," she said, her reply completely unaffected by her bubble of subtle laughter.

All I could do was give a respectful smile, and before walking away, I found my eyes teetering once again back to the Ikuto-but-not-Ikuto. He gave a smile, which I was, and I'm sure my expression gave away all too quickly, obviously not expecting. But it wasn't one like his girlfriend's, kind and accepting. His smile was more of a quirk in his lips, tilting up in a mischievous way, just like my Ikuto.

Oh, did I just say my Ikuto? My heart leapt at the thought. He's not mine.

But you want him to be.

God, I was already getting butterflies. I bit my lip.

I wasn't able to form a reply smile, for I had to look away or else I'd simply fall to my knees in a fit of my own girlish in-love-ness. Which wasn't a thing. But it is now.

My legs left on their own, my giddy body following.

My breath formed a small fog in the air when I heavily breathed out, almost sighing. It was chilling, but my pea-coat concealed my susceptible body from any cold that threatened to bite at my torso. However, it was my own fault that the goose-bumps devouring my legs ceased to exist. I was the smart one that chose a dress for the occasion. Why didn't I pick something that would help keep me warm on this cold night, you may ask? Because, I'm a girl with a crush, and I wanted to look my utter most dashing for the one I have so obviously dressed to impress. I already scolded myself the entire extensive time it took to put on correctly, but perhaps I'm not all that smart after all.

I sighed.

At least it was cute.

Curling my hands deeper into my pockets, I lightly jogged away from my cemented spot, deeper into the sea of couples and family's and kids trying urgently to run too far from their parents. Java's Love Latte was relatively close to the Skytree, and even more so to the Christmas tree. There were just too many people to move around freely. I felt as if I'd been taped inside my own box, confining my space to only a few inches on every side of me. I could not step too far out of this box or I'd be lost, out of place, a small child ripe for the plucking. I kept to myself in my hasty attempt to find the coffee shop.

In my retreat from the Ikuto-but-not-Ikuto encounter, I hadn't noticed how close I actually was to our designated meeting spot. The light-brown cream color of the building was hard to miss. It looked homey, giving off a more than welcoming vibe. There were no obnoxious neon lights blaring from the front, explaining the shop's name. There was only a dark brown canopy above the intricately carved wooden door. The canopy contained the words "Java's Love Latte" in milky, pink colored, swirly, completely cookie-cutter font. It was obviously a cutesy shop, attracting more females than males, but it wasn't totally sexist against that species. Java's Love Latte was there for all to enjoy. A wood based trim lined the grand window, parallel the door. The window provided an excellent view of the shop inside.

In all of my inspecting and admiring, I hadn't even noticed something. Something significant.

What I had failed to notice, stood, bouncing lightly and bubbly on her heels, the complete look of anticipation curving her charming features, long pig-tails swaying all model-like at the sides of her body. Her hands clutched a phone across her chest, holding tightly, I noticed, because if she hadn't been gripping it so firmly surely her ecstatic and impatient bouncing would cause it to go flying. Her running eyes scanned the perimeter of - well, everything. She looked so focused but giddy at the same time.

And there, standing next to Utau Hoshina, was the most perfect sight in the world.

Oh...

He stood exceptionally straight, dressed casually in somewhat tighter fitting light-wash jeans, and black - what were those, Van's? Yes, I concluded upon further inspection. Pure black Van's. As to what his shirt looked like was a mystery; a black, sexy looking pea-coat hugged his torso as tight as I wish I could. His long, now concealed but still toned arms were bent at his sides, hands resting neatly in his pockets. I found the farther up my eyes traveled along his body, the more my stomach seemed to twist and untwist delectably, relishing the hundreds of butterflies that burst from their open cage inside me. Oh, I was nervous and anxious and unimaginably elated all at the same time.

It's him. He's really here, he's really standing right there. He's waiting...for you.

The thought sent me over the edge, and I fell, so heavily, so willingly, so wholly back in love with him.

I love you.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

I am so in love with you Ikuto Tsukiyomi.

He was so perfect. So amazing. It hadn't been that long since I rid myself of those feelings, but at the simple sight of him, I am once again under his spell. Though this time, I'm welcoming the exquisite feeling he sends through my body. I'm embracing it, the butterflies, the anxious and nervousness, the uncontainable joy.

Dear God, I like him so much.

His face - Oh, his face. I melted. Though his expression was unreadable, there was still a glimmer in his far-away eyes. He looked relaxed, completely in his nature. He gazed wondrously at the sky, just watching. Even from this distance, I could see the stars reflect in his eyes. They danced artistically in his depth-less blue orbs.

Finally, after what seemed like forever of staring at his heavenly figure, he lowered his eyes, and, as if they knew right where to look, Ikuto found my gaze and locked me in.

He's looking...right at me...

I stilled instantly. My breath left me quicker than I could draw it in, leaving me utterly breathless. At this point, I wasn't sure whether to move or look away or say something for the fact I was finally here and who knew how long they'd actually been waiting there, seeing as how I walked here. But none of those took place, and I was stuck staring at him, yet again, however this time his attention towards me.

His expression was no longer wandering in the labyrinth of tinsel-like stars hung in the sky. It was... Unreadable. With an imperceptible part of his lips, and the slight widening of his gazing eyes, he looked - not shocked, but if not then what?

No matter how many people crossed and cut our gaze, Ikuto's eyes somehow managed to never waver, never flick elsewhere, never break. It was then, I think, I put the pieces of his (to me) puzzling expression together-

"Amu!"

-But I was interrupted.

"Amu! Over here!" The voice came from beside him, and this time I didn't have a choice. With heavy effort, I tore my eyes from Ikuto's, locking with this time wide and alive lavender orbs. Utau jumped up and down, waving her arm above her head, attempting to capture my attention. It definitely worked, and before I knew it, a smile was beginning to unwind upon my sealed lips.

Exuberant as ever, I see. The thought made me inwardly laugh, because no matter, it was true.

When my body started to move, my mind and stomach were somehow betraying each other. The same flock of butterflies flew frantically around my twisting tummy, despite all I was doing was edging closer to them. My mind, however, was telling my body to keep going, move closer, no matter how nervous I was actually getting. And perhaps it wasn't really nervousness. It felt like that, the feeling before you got up to speak in front of the class, or the wracking of your nerves before you go to run a race... Or the giddy girlishness that took over when you had a crush...

I shook my head.

Just get your butt over there, Hinamori! Stop scampering around like a chicken with its head cut off. Mentally I gaped at my conscience. She could be so rude sometimes.

Though I did as told, and walked closer, only looking back at Ikuto once before I was attacked.

Utau threw her arms up and around me, squeezing tightly, and to not be rude, I captured her torso between my arms as well.

"You're finally here! I'm so happy!" she said, cheerful. I managed a smile when she let go, still grasping my shoulders between her surprisingly firm hands. She inspected me up and down, and I did the same, though not as noticeable. A quick glance allowed me the sight of a pair of dark brown combat boots that rose to her mid-calf, and a pair of cream colored leg warmers stopping just above the top of the boots. A pair of blindingly white skinny jeans clung desperately tight to her legs. I only glimpsed the bottom of a frilly, see-through white shirt before her white, puffy jacket with fur around the edge of its hood stopped my search.

Why does she always have to look like such a model, no matter what she's dressed in?

"You look cute," she almost gasped, as if it were such a sight for me to be dressed in something that easily attracted the eye. Which, in a sense, it was.

"Thank you," I replied, and tried as hard as I possibly could not to let my eyes travel back to Ikuto. I could feel his eyes on me, and it made my face warm slightly. "I really like your boots, and your pants," I complimented, distracting myself.

Her eyes lit up with delight, and briskly she stepped back to exhibit her outfit in a twisting display.

"Thank you, I just got these boots this weekend," she informed, turning to the side to give me a view of the strapped up material.

"Cute! Where?" I questioned, seriously restraining my wandering eyes. They were far too curious to inspect a boy far too familiar to me.

After a brief explanation of the stores she goes to regularly and an invite to join her sometime, Utau finally offered us the option of going inside Java's Love Latte. "Shall we enter this fine drinking establishment?"

"Yes," I accepted, smiling. Her eyes flicked towards Ikuto, and for some reason I took that as an opportunity to look as well. I let my curious and unrelenting orbs drink in the sight of him - again. I melted under his attractiveness.

See, you can't just FORGET about him. You like him too much, you thirsty little weirdo. I gave my sub conscience the look of, but-I'm-head-over-heels-please-just-let-me-like-him. She pursed her lips at me and tapped an impatient foot on the floor.

Ikuto nodded at Utau, as if giving her his approval for her own offer. I didn't see her responding face; I was too busy staring, open and blatantly obvious, at his, um, body. His eyes flipped toward me faster than I could look away, and I knew I had been caught, so promptly I looked back at Utau who was now making a move to enter the cafe. Dutifully I followed, feeling a little more than shameful but also oddly elated and exhilarated. A smile crept upon my lips, despite I tried stringing them straight. When the grin broke out, I turned my head completely out of view from Ikuto's peripheral vision and bit my spread lip.

Hehe.

Inwardly I giggled subtly but happily. He made me so... Lively.

Upon entering the coffee shop, I was instantly overwhelmed by the sweet aromatic's of its delicious looking pastries. It smelled of coffee beans and sugar, accompanied by the different scents of other particular pastry items that were strewn about inside a class case that rested comfortably on either side of the cash register. The color pattern varied from different shades of brown and cream with an adorable hint of pink here and there. The space was comfortably enclosed.

Utau, Ikuto and I fell in line behind the other waiting citizens who were dressed warmly, most with an arm hooked through the other's. This, more than anything made me wish I could so snuggly link arms with the sexy blue haired boy that's proximity with me made me threaten to close it. As awful as it sounded, I was desperate for any sort of contact with him. I felt so deprived of it now, which made the temptation escalate.

"What are you going to get?" Utau quizzed, her lavender eyes gauging my answer.

"Um... I don't know. I can't decide between a chai latte or a hot chocolate."

Utau seemed to disregard my struggle and turn to Ikuto. "What are you getting, brother." Momentarily I sat on the fact she just called him brother like that.

He hesitated a moment, and I turned, watching his eyes wander lazily over the upholstered menu out of the corner of my lashes.

"I can't decide either," he finally said, and it seemed to strike me that that was the first time I'd heard him speak since I'd gotten here. And his voice was smooth as silk, husky and sensually deep. Well, maybe to other's it was normal. That's how it sounded as it slipped through my welcoming ears and processed in my scattered brain. Then it hit me; I was going to get opposite of whatever he got, because for some reason I didn't want him to think I'd be copying by reciprocating his choices.

Utau rolled her eyes. "You two are so indecisive."

As someone's order was filled, they stepped out of line and we moved up ever so slightly.

"Well, I know what I'm getting," Utau declared, a smirk upon her lips.

You'd think that with all of the excess noise of chatter going on behind us I wouldn't have been able to hear the subtle ping of a phone going off, but I did. I gathered it was Ikuto's after he stilled, far too noticeably, and retracted his hand from his pocket, phone with it. Instantly my curiosity piqued.

Who's that? His guy friends? His mom? His dad? Saay-

Oh shit.

What if it's Saaya texting him? What would she be saying? Does he know she's been expelled? Does he know what happened? Is that what she's telling him?

Calm down Hinamori, it was just a text. Cool it.

My mind was right. I was overreacting. It shouldn't matter who it is anyway, right? I pushed him away and declared our short end. I shouldn't be worrying.

I willed myself to take a step down from my panicked state and stay cool, calm, and overall collected.

"What's that?" I asked, turning slightly to Utau, because I still wanted to know who caused Ikuto's phone to go off.

"I'm just going to get a hot chocolate. Simple, warm, appealing. My three favorite things." She smiled genuinely.

I stared at her bright features unintentionally for what seemed like a perpetually long amount of time. It was when she shifted that I noticed I had been doing that, and she simply beamed gorgeously as the specks in her eyes danced in the dim light. "Oh."

Shifting back to Ikuto hopefully (to his view) imperceptibly, I pulled my eyes down as far as they could gaze to chance a peek at the sender of his message. For the most part, his long, slim fingers blocked most view of the screen, and wonderingly I wished to feel them again. Absently I remembered what they had felt like, wrapping so gently yet firmly around the circumfrance of my wrists, snaking up, over my body, gripping the spill of my hair, cupping my face, how smooth and utterly soft they were. Internally, my stomach rolled and my heart leaped at those delicious thoughts. Jesus. This kid...

The longer I stared at the glaringly bright light emanating from his phone, the longer I seemed to be perplexed. Who was he sending this message to? It was long, probably longer than any text I'd ever put effort into creating, with some kind of... I didn't know what it was. Some powerful emotion that momentarily would take one aback, though I couldn't grasp what he was aiming for. Desperate? Or dull? Or desperately dull?

Finally, almost on accident, my body tipped the slightest bit forward, and my feet scuffled on the floor to save me from gravity. And there, for a split second before I captured the attention of both Ikuto and Utau, my eyes groped for the name shining on his screen.

To: Saaya

My heart fell.

"Are you alright?" Utau asked beside me, an incredulous octave in her voice.

My eyes widened frantically when Ikuto stopped and tilted his head up to drink in the situation. His eyes didn't hesitate to devour me whole, and I wasn't sure what to think of that, though not much thinking was being done. My mind buzzed around one thought.

SAAYA? Of all girls, SAAYA? No - no, no, no. Why? Why does it have to be her? Why, why. WHY?!

I couldn't control it all of a sudden. This inexplicable rage, the hatred for that girl, lanced through me like an ice cold waterfall, pelting painful water spears as it cast downward. Why did he have to be talking to her?! It was... It was so unfair!

Traitor.

My breath caught.

No, why would I think that? He's not a traitor...

Yes he is. He's conversing with the enemy. Who knows what he's saying to her? He could be delving into the depths of his love for her, for all you know. But the thing is, you don't. And you probably never will. You'll just be...

A side girl. Is that what I am to him? I side girl? No, I was missing the point. The red flag in my internal outburst. I let him go. I basically put our relationship in a box, glued it shut and told him no. God I'm an idiot.

Involuntarily I shook my head, ever so miniscule, ever so slow, while still looking straight into the intimidating cobalt eyes of Ikuto. No one in this world would ever understand the entirety of my love for his eyes, how every shade of blue was elegantly captured into an endless ocean of this one, stunningly beautiful color. He was so beautiful. The specks of light in his eyes twinkled, though they did not look away, did not waver. A "v" formed between his brows as they furrowed, puzzled.

"What?" It was the first thing he'd said that had been directed towards me. His voice was so soft, almost a whisper, though as deep and resonate as the sound floating around us like a riverraft. It was then I realized what I'd been doing, shaking my head as if shaming his actions. My mouth opened to form a reply, and for a second he looked, what? Hopeful? I think, but instead nothing came. What could I say to him? I wanted to say everything and nothing.

Turning to Utau, I gripped my sides for some form of occupation. "Yeah, I'm fine," I reassured rather breathlessly. "Just, fine."

It was a lie.

X+X+X

I gripped the hot chocolate in steady hands, though the heat slowly burning into my palms was getting increasingly harder to bear. I tried to seem impassive and unaffected by its powerful affect on me.

Like how I tried to appear impassive and unaffected by the powerful affect this girl had on me.

And I have to admit, a majority of the time I'm able to act just as I do around anyone else. Comfortable. Carefree. I keep my manners close by, though teasing her was always an entertaining hobby of mine. She's far too fun to tease, and her reactions are, dare I say it now, adorable. Some time ago, short, the idea might not have seemed so distant. But that was before she... Rejected me. Between then and now, my mind has drifted back to that scene in the snow and park more times than Saaya's ever said she loved me. And that, unfortunately, speaks volumes. I can't... Forget it. Whatever she's done with the thought, I can't do the same. I can't let go of that undeniable string of feelings, especially now, walking by yet behind her and my sister. I chose a spot where I didn't have to be next to Utau, or Amu, for the thought seemed too hard to handle. Not because I didn't believe I couldn't handle myself around her or I'd absolutely lose it. It's because I...

I can't keep my hands off of her. I don't get it. I just want to touch her, for all that's worth, because I apparently miss the feeling of her porcelain skin beneath my hands. Thinking about it makes me itch oh-so-much-more to pin her against a tree, right here, right now. And scarily enough, I haven't the first common clue why.

I've never done this with a girl before. I've never, how should I put it... I've never wanted such an intimate relationship before. Not before I actually began talking to her. I don't want to actually admit to her that I liked Saaya. Yes. Liked. Past-tense. As in now, I see us as platonic friends, because I want nothing more from her. Though it would be hard to completely leave Saaya, yes, because for the longest time she's been a large portion of my life. Though she's different lately, I'm aware. And its unnerving. But aside from her, which no, I didn't like Saaya before she liked me. She was very... Forthcoming about her feelings.

Whereas for the longest time now, my heart doesn't know what it wants to do when it sees Amu. Yes, I now have to admit - I like her. I liked her a while ago, I like her now, and I probably will until I learn how to get over it. If I ever want to, or choose to. Or make myself, if I can't persuade her heart to take a turn from the road it's on that leads away from me.

It's been a roller coaster of emotions since I started talking to Amu. Up, down, swirled. She's a challenge. And I like that. No - I love that. Amu is a strong girl, I believe, despite I've seen her break more than once. She knows how to stand up for herself, and she despises being pushed around by anyone. I've learned that, watching her when she's in school, simply keeping a helpful eye on her. Though I wasn't watching her to make sure she was safe, really. I was doing it out of my own carnal desire to know what she was doing, if any of her actions pertained to me, when would be the best time to be with her. I watched her because I wanted to. Because I liked her. Because I know my feelings are much stronger than that, which is more than I'm willing to admit, because who knows where you draw the line between like and love, but I passed that scrawny little boundary ages ago.

And I told her that.

And a small shard of hope still breathes inside of me that, yes, she feels the same. She just won't tell me.

Which is infuriating.

"I think we should visit the top floor of the Skytree," my sister suggested, tone all happy and bubbly. I pretended not to care when really, the thought of being alone on the highest floor of the highest building in Tokyo with Amu sounded like a splendorous idea.

I didn't speak; for I'd be lying to mention I found the idea dull, and telling the truth would extract more depth than I was willing to show when my sister was with us. And all of a sudden I was speaking as if it had been Amu and I who had come together, not Utau and me.

"I've never been up there..."

I blinked.

What? How does one just... Not visit the skytree? Escape it? Refuse its beauty? How had Amu lived here all these years and never wandered into its alluring sights? The question burned at the back of my throat, a new desire forming that tempted Utau's offer.

My sister almost halted completely, and I was relatively surprised she didn't for she had previously taken a warm sip of her hot chocolate and was now choking on it. "Are you serious?" she managed, still choking, voice high-pitched and disbelieving.

From where I was positioned I saw Amu turn her head away in what seemed like embarrassment. The red flushed across her cheeks fast and elegant, like water running over smooth rocks in a creek. I never knew someone could blush so beautifully before I'd seen Amu portray the action so many times, frankly not of her own doing. Though never being up in the Skytree wasn't something to necessarily be embarrassed about, I thought. It was okay to have never been up there. All it meant was that when you actually arrived, the sight to drink in would be much more beautiful and glittering and breathtaking than for those who had seen it already. Utau and I had ventured up there more than once, indulging in the fancy eatery of the restaurant on one of the higher levels every now and then, so it was nothing unfamiliar. Like the feeling of Amu's sweet, full lips beneath mine.

Wait... What? No - no, no. Why was I thinking about that? I physically shook my head as if it would rid my mind of that delicious memory. Thinking about forgetting it only made it worse. Why...? Ugh...

With a sudden snap, as if some force of an idea whipped my mind into shape, my body reflexively moved toward my sister. I didn't know what I was doing all of a sudden. I mean, I did. I had every indication as to what I was about to do, knew each step and felt the need, like the back of my hand, like a fish needed water. The action tore at me so desperately I thought it might shred me to bits, scattered beyond repair. It was unsettling, because I didn't know why I was doing it. I hadn't grasped that yet, though I had a slight inclination as to why it all seemed so urgent, so demanded. The mysteriousness of the next step to our relationship left me wondering what to do every minute, every second, every beat of my heart and blink of my eyes. She hadn't elaborated anything, and I deserved an explanation before I exploded with the full feeling of not knowing.

"Utau," I said, intensely aware of how my voice was projected. Low, authoritative, but I knew how Amu liked to hear it. I had been around her enough to know which tones made her heart flutter and her cheeks flush. This pitch was no exception.

Utau turned around, confused, I gathered, by the furrow of her light blond brows. I grasped at her elbow, making sure she could not continue her merry little way to the Skytree without hearing my request. "What?" she asked, voice soft and low. I was hopeful in the fact she knew I meant to speak to her and only her.

Somewhere ahead, Amu noticed our halt and stopped walking, though through my peripheral vision, when she looked over at us, she immediately turned away. No, I scolded, irrationally maddened at her inconsistent interest. I won't let you do that again.

"Make up an excuse to leave once we get to the elevator," I said. It wasn't a plea, not even a request. It was a demand that came out harsher than I intended, but Utau knew this already. Knew about it, and was the one that implored me to do something about this overwhelming need to do something with myself.

Her eyes widened only momentarily. "What are you planning to do?"

My eyes wandered around. Jesus, what a broad question. "Does it matter?"

"Yes."

"I don't know. Ride unicorns and follow a leprichon to the end of his opalescent rainbow and steal his riches," I snapped, sarcastic. Impatience swept over me like the wave of an ocean swept over the sand on a beach.

Utau's face dropped, a sarcastic glare settling in. "Really?" she said, tone bland and just as snappy.

"No!" I whisper-yelled. "I'm not that fucking dumb."

"That's debatable," she dead-panned.

"Do you want me to talk to her or not?"

She sighed. "It's not a matter of what I want, Ikuto, it's what you want, what she wants. But let me inform you, there's a very thin line between want and need. And right now, I think Amu needs this. Whatever it is, I don't know. I can't control what you say or do. I do know, however, what you feel, and what she feels. And God, may you need reminded, it's the exact same thing. Why do you always hold back?"

My eyebrows raised inadvertently. "I don't."

Utau shook her head, pigtails flailing, eyes locked on mine. "Believe it or not, brother, you do. I think, that instead of worrying about how she'll react to "this" or "that" you should just do things. Whatever comes to mind, say it, and whatever actions take over, go with it, because you don't even know what she's thinking. Sometimes you just have to be forthcoming."

As if I didn't already know and apply that concept.

"Gee, thanks for the advice."

It looked like she restrained herself from slapping me, the way she twitched and balled her fist, scrunched her face in what seemed like anger. "Just do it! But, do not, by word of everything fucking holy, let her break beneath you. I swear to God Ikuto, if you can't heal her-"

"I get it!" I snapped, cutting her off. How was that fair? It was such a large responsibility. I knew it was mine, and I accepted it. I wanted to be the one to pick up the pieces of Amu when they came apart, wanted to carefully stitch them back together, every piece with a hint of me added so she'd never forget who'd done it. Never forget the hands of the one who picked her up when she fell down. I wanted to be the only one to do that. Nobody else. No other boy.

No, it wasn't selfish. I mean, it was. But did I give the slightest shit? No, I didn't. She was...

Mine.

Inwardly I rolled my eyes. Was she really? No... That's what I had hoped, believed and tried to accomplish. What I had done was apparently not enough, not enough to string her emotions in such a spindle that she could hopefully, indulgently, wholly love me back.

"Fine," Utau agreed, struggling for her arm back. I released it. "I'll give you two space. Just don't do anything dumb."

"No promises," I mumbled as she walked away, back to catch up with Amu, who had been standing, sipping on her hot chocolate daintily while twisting slightly, looking at everything around her. Utau was talking immediately when she got there, a smile spreading her lips, a smile that implied nothing at all had just happened. Amu smiled back, such a lovely, rare sight, rich to savor and photogenic enough to actually snap one. I refrained, sauntering up slowly to the two. I could tell that Amu had to really try to not look up, to make eye contact. Her struggle was evident in the way she looked away from Utau, looked at me but not at me, just the direction of me.

A small, wandering part of me wanted to smile, to touch her and tell her it was okay to just do what she wanted, what she felt was needed. But of course, how improper that would be to just shove my sister aside and let my hands wash over the beauty that was Amu Hinamori.

X+X+X

Utau was over in a flurry of strung sentences and smiles and giddy energy. I had to repress the urge to gasp and widen my eyes and ask her to slow down, for her bubbly personality seemed overwhelming for the state my mind was set. My heart still leaped with the thought of Ikuto so close by, so attentive and present and looking right at me.

Sucking in a much needed breath, I met orbs with Utau as best I could without it seeming as if I were trying hard not to fall. Calm down, Amu... Just breathe, and forget about him... You can't have him and you know that. Yes, I did know that. Sort of.

Oh, how perplexing!

"Sounds great," I replied, mechanically, not acutely aware of what she said but hanging on to the gist of it. Going to the skytree. Up the floors. Looking at everything. Coming down to see the unveiling of the pampered and glittering tree. Happiness. Smiles. Okay... You can do this Amu, right? Forget about everything. Forget everything that makes you upset and cry and unhappy and just let it go, like a bird to the wind. Forget about Saay-

Oh, no. I couldn't. I couldn't. Not with the flowering image of Saaya popping from Ikuto's phone screen like a goddamn jack-in-the-box. Not with the utter remnants of betrayal hitting hard and fast and close to home. Not with the thought, the painful, stabbing thought, that every single little, insignificant but galaxy wide word Ikuto had ever addressed me with was the complete encompassing of my crumpled world. My mind revolved around him, like the earth around the sun, like a cat around its pray, like my heart around his hands. Only come to find, with everything known possible to me, that this was probably all a joke, and I was the sickly little contestant that sat in an empty line of chairs. He couldn't have just left me alone... He had to make me love him in his dirty little process. He just had to, didn't he?

I slapped my mind, which was drunk on the though of betrayal and hatred.

No, I reprimanded. That's not why you're here. If you're going to let Saaya ruin your night then you might as well leave now.

But I didn't want to. I wanted to be... Happy. I just wanted to feel that again...

Suddenly Utau started walking, meandering quite fluidly through the mesh of human beings clustering around the shops. I followed most reflexively, trying to keep close to her twisting body, attempting to keep pace with her briskness. I was acutely aware of Ikuto close behind, and when his sleeve brushed against the back of my coat, a heated shiver ribboned up my spine, despite the freezing temperature outside as it was. A gasp threatened to spill from my lungs, but I closed it off, repressing the urge to say something.

The noise was a rapid burst of airy chuckles and breathless words, the breath of each person visible when they exhaled into the atmosphere. Eventually, after what seemed like swimming through thousands of people, we entered a clearing, the ring of the skytree setting us in its cool shadow. Utau turned only briefly to check if we had followed, and she gave a smile at the sight of us just behind her. Her pace softened to only a slightly eager gallop. I held in the urge to look behind myself as well, to be awarded the sight of Ikuto standing just millimeters from my body. As it occurred, turning would have proved far less ineffective than the ever so gentle, blazing graze of his fingers against the back of my hand. My breath caught.

Oh, how I missed the texture of his touch against my skin. The velvety feel of his hands on my plateau of features... Just to feel his extremities swimming through the pond of my exotically pink hair.

His presence seemed to capture my mind in a blushy spell, to which the only thought on my mind bloomed roses across my pale cheeks, and I struggled picking the petals, one by one, just to see. He loves me. Loves me not. He loves me. Loves me not.

He loves me-

"Amu!" It was the melodic voice of Utau, hurrying me along to the glass double doors of the Skytree. I had been standing, apparently, staring at the ground.

Jesus, what was wrong with me today?

Hurrying my dizzied body along, I lightly bound to the spot Utau claimed momentarily, feeling the heady ambiance of Ikuto just close behind me. As a group once collected, we entered the colossally extravagant lobby of the Skytree, which only made me feel slightly tinier than I already felt next to the bustle of bodies around me. So, I might not have been that tall. But still. This was ridiculous.

"Sorry," I apologized, breathless with the embarrassment of her brother tropically hot in the center of my mind.

Utau's smile was infectious. "Don't worry about it. No rush," she replied, the pale of her teeth gleaming in the mild dark.

The thought was laughable. "No rush? Really? That's why you've been rushing us all this time?" I inquired, a grin to my lips and a raise to my brows. It wasn't much, but at least I was trying.

"I have not been rushing!" she defended, mocking a look of hurt, her mouth blindly open in an 'o.'

"You, miss, are a terrible liar," I cheesed, shaming her with the action of the friction between my fingers.

Utau scoffed, though that grand smile still held her lips in a dipped 'u' shape. "Better than you~" she sang, voice high but softly melodious.

"What is that supposed to mean?" I asked, a bend to my brows. Though I kept the playful demeanor, undoubtedly I was curious as to what that meant.

She simply smiled broader, and it was such an insignificant movement, so miniscule. But I caught it. How could I not? Certainly not when her eyes flipped once in the direction of the boy I had thought was behind me, but had congregated parallel from me, so our arms could have easily brushed with the movement of either of us. And a part of me knew what she meant, and another was disbelieving that she herself knew. Was it that obvious?

Crap. That meant I had to shove it down even deeper. Create a bigger crater in the heart that probably no longer resembled one for the consistent crumble of its structure.

Somehow we had made it to the sheen gray of the elevator, which shone darkly in the drab burst of light invested into the ceiling. Utau was near, fishing a phone from the fluffy abyss of her blinding white coat. My eyes groped the inside, searching discreetly for the image of Ikuto's character somewhere in the background. I wanted to see if he, too, were on his phone, sending messages to that atrocious thing called Saaya. It was a painful speculation to consider, just the idea of him and her... Her, who gave no flying crap how her logic affected the population around her. Why did she have to be so infatuated with Ikuto? Why did I?

"Oh," Utau breathed beside me, the shine of her phone bright on her open complexion. "Hey, Amu? Would you mind just seeing the view with Ikuto?" she asked, her eyes searching and hopeful and curious, though a distinct gleam made the edges of her mouth pull back.

What?

"Why? Where are you going?" I explored, the panic registering in my voice. Alone? With HIM? Is she out of her MIND?

She fumbled her bottom lip between her teeth. "Someone is here that I need to meet, and I promised I'd check in with my parents... I'm really sorry, but I'll be back shortly. Is that okay?"

HA! NO! Do you WANT me to have a heart attack and keel over? I held back the urge let my mouth drop through the floor, and attempted to contain the hush of butterflies whispering in the pit of my stomach. "I... I guess... How long? Who are you meeting?" Despite myself, I wondered if I was being too pushy, too clingy. It was all for good reason, however.

She made a waving gesture with the flutter of her hand. "It should only take twenty minutes. Roughly."

My heart would have exploded had it not been for the ultimate look of plead and happiness in the depth of her features. "Twenty?" I implored, egging deeper.

"Yeah. It'll be quicker than you think. Besides, you'll have a fabulous time! The view is so stunning, Amu. I know you'll love it," she gushed, making a scene with the motions of her body and arms and hands. To her, it was probably the truest statement she was making. To me, it sounded like a death sentence.

I hadn't been alone with him since, well, since I commenced our separation, and that pledge did not involve me traveling to the highest floor in the city and gazing at beautiful scenery with him! That was the most couple thing you could do.

I exhaled a long sigh, forcing my body to quell its erratic panic, forcing the brush of my heart in the cage of my chest. Clearing my mind was the most exceptional means of coping with this task, and wiping it clean with Ikuto around proved to lay near the boundary of impossible.

"Okay," I replied, smiling back all the worrying things I could have spilled. "Well, I'll see you soon, then. I'm sure it will be beautiful. I trust you." I thrust more hope and explanation and faith into that last sentence than I'd ever cored in my life. I trust you. I did.

Her smile broadened, and she wrapped me in a tight, quick embrace, whispering softly into my ear. "Please trust us." It was breathy, perplexing, and made me all the more curious. I could trust one, but as the other?

When she unraveled, I was left staring at her departing figure, growing smaller and smaller in the background of flurrying people. "Okay! You two have fun! Be back quickly!" She waved, beaming all the way toward the double doors, then filed out just as a wash of sight-seers flushed into the overflowing main lobby. She left Ikuto and I to be, and it was many moments before I moved to even look at him, fearing the patter of my thoughts when I did so. They were sewing together at the moment, though one look at him and they'd disperse quicker than to catch and throw back together.

His soft breath was the only noise my ears filtered, such a melodic hum against the talk of others. "Shall we go? Up?"

My body moved, sticky and slow like honey, deep breaths rolling in and out of my parted mouth. "Sure," I fanned, gulping as I inspected the edges of his cutting jaw. If I looked into those eyes I'd be strewn decoratively in the intricate patterns of his web. I couldn't let him know, know the depth and convoluted mixture of my own feelings behind the sealed walls of my heart. "Let's go."

Ikuto inched closer to the orange lit buttons motioning up and down in the skytree. He stretched out a long, beautifully straight finger, and pressed into the button gesturing upwards, sending my eyes a stare as I watched him do so. When he pulled back and stood in a patient lingering position, I let loose the line of my vision and attended the opening of the metallic silver doors. They opened slow and straight, a resounding ding singing through the air as a flow of people slid from it's carpeted confines and into the lobby. Once empty, Ikuto swept his veiled arms aside, a silent demand to enter.

I went both willingly and reluctantly, feeling my last sane breath flee from my lungs, which struggled with the effort to stay as placid as possible. I knew once I stepped past the threshold to the moving contraption it would be me against my emotions, which was the intense internal battle that fell upon me to fight, but I took it on with a heavy heart and saddened composure.

The inside was all dark browns and deep reds in a melted mass of sunset colors, the exception of a metal bar in convenience for those who needed a moment to stand and gain themselves back. My hands brushed over it, my body twisting so I could grab it from behind the young wall of my back. Ikuto stepped in just after, expertly inspecting the floor panel to choose the correct button. He pressed one which lay in the third row to the side, and its light blazed as the doors moved to close.

When the metal gateway licked to close, I began a sentence I hoped would eliminate the pressing silence around us both. "So, have you been up there-"

The rest of the sentence remained a catch to my breath, the always unexpected and nimble movements of Ikuto's body spanning to enclose my movements against his.

His arms thread up, bracing against the wall far above my head, his body bending into a dip as his leg arced methodically, placing his knee against the wall just above my own. His body molded the perfect cage, his head lowering, the darkness clouding his eyes with its haunting shadows. His long hair tickled against my forehead and the contour of my feverish cheeks. All of the cold I felt prior to his heat emanating body dripped from me in an instant, leaving behind the remnants of a shiver when his breath caressed every crevice of the lineaments in my face. Every breath I had gone to take arrested in the back of my throat, leaving with a whisper of a sharply drawn pant.

Ikuto stood in that position, his eyes drawn to the line of my own, but they were not as deeply intimidating as I would have imagined when he first made the move to trap me. The elevator floated up, but I barely noticed in the heat of the moment where I could faintly register all of the affections behind that cloud of mystery in his eyes.

There was affection in the depth of concern, a warmth in the rageful sea of rejection. Excitement and remorse and sentiment, a heady mixture of loving desire pronounced in the light of his pupils. There was such a vivid feel to the way he looked at me, as if he had found something but lost it at the same time he could love and be hurt. As if every beat in his heart pulsed with the remnants of love, spiraling up to the jumping throb in his neck. I was suddenly very aware of every breath he took, of every muscle in his body constricting, as if I could hear it, could feel the heat in the running blood of his veins, could tell when his pupils dialated then widened. We weren't touching. His body was so close but a gap clipped the space between us. And oddly, it was the fact that we weren't touching that made the gesture infinately more intimate.

"Amu," he said, voice the exact model of everything that made me flush the deepest scarlet hush.

My heart was wild; its tranquility sent a naughty spell erraticating the rhythm. The boy made me intensely more aware of every part of my own body, of every fiber wanting to reach out and clasp his entire body, to own his being.

I gasped against his subtle movement to which his head tilted, his hair falling in both of our eyes, his lips alarmingly close to the tip of my nose. "Ikuto," I moaned, feeling the noise escape my throat. "Ikuto, I told you, we can't-"

"Did you honestly mean that?" he interrupted, low and throaty and oh-so gripping. He drew me in with his words alone, the lift of my heart meeting to clap my chest excitedly.

I gulped, meeting his eyes unsteadily. "I did," I whispered, feeling our breaths mingle wantingly in the snipped space of our heads.

His eyes lowered, the tilt of his chin upwards sending his eyes down to meet mine. His gaze was sexy as hell, and it made my veins peel so every drop of blood in my body raced to the space behind my cheeks.

"So you hate me?" he asked, his body still maddeningly far from mine. It wasn't far, actually, but it wasn't touching me. His tease made me realize I wanted every single corner and bend and curl of his body to coil around me, so I could feel him in every nerve of my body.

I let my eyes drift to a bleak space behind him, feeling the embarrassed tremble wrack my bottom lip. "I don't hate you..." I trailed off, knowing nowhere to go with the rest of those words. Could I lie yet tell the truth?

"Do you like me, then?" His lips were fiercely mesmerizing, locking closed between each word, parting in the middle with each syllable.

A gasp filled the air behind is head, blowing his hair softly to the side. I tried holding it behind sealed lips, but it was too much. I swore, the closed vicinity of our bodies made my ovaries explode. "I don't dislike you," I murmured, keeping my voice wistfully quiet.

A breath passed his lips, hot and heavy and intoxicating. "Then do you love me?" he inquired lastly, and my heart flipped a thrilled cartwheel in my chest.

Oh GOD...

"I..." My voice was inaudibly breathless, my mind such a flurry of every thought known to man. "I-"

His body shifted, edging closer to the outline of my weakening posture. Every blood cell in the entirety of my physique screamed with the urge to touch him and pull away at the same time. I could feel the blood racing in my own veins, in the compressed position of my arm, feel it purr to the closeness of Ikuto. "Then..." he said, peeking his head down, lips lowering in that enthralling seductive motion. I pressed my back into the bar behind me, begging for space but also contact. I didn't know what I wanted. "Can you resist me?" His tone dropped deafeningly low.

His hands slid slowly down from the elevator wall, inching close by the second. They barely stopped once reached my head, though he still refused to touch me.

"Can you resist me, Amu?"

My breath hitched, completely unable to draw it in or out, stuck in the still moment of his expectance and my hesitation.

Ikuto's face was close enough to visibly see every channel and every flexure and every pore in his silky smooth skin. His lips, millimeters from my own, were parted, so I could feel and practically see the air seep in and out of his mouth, filling his chest to its rising point with our shared oxygen.

"I can," I said, barely a whisper. The more his body flexed in unexpected positions, the more my own raced to configure a solution to every one he assessed me with.

As if there was only a breath between us anyway, Ikuto moved that much closer, breaking the boundary of our space. "Then do it," he whispered, and leaned in for that precious but dangerous contact.

Every nerve bound with the effort to tell my body what to do. I could feel the tingle of movement in my shoulders, spreading, coiling down to my hips, licking up and down my legs, expressing the motion in my feet, which trembled but held. Half of my mind cried out, warning, danger, danger, danger! But the other half squealed with certain glee, and incidentally each half played an equally important part telling my figure where to go. My heart thumped loudly, pounding in my ears, blocking any other noise besides its consistent bum bum bum bum. With an inhale, my mind was able to think, just for a lesser beat, just for a sweet moment. This was still the boy that had Saaya's heart, and cherished it much more than the one that beats loudly for him in my chest. It was still the same boy who could tease, who lead me on through the period of whatever it was that sparked between us so briefly. Ikuto, in all of his lovely glory, was still just the same shell of the boy I was supposed to automatically resist, without hesitation, without thinking, without letting my feelings misconscrew any wall I had built between him, and me. Nothing had changed between our momentary silence, and I, as the leader of our ending, was supposed to carry on what I had started.

My back, finally relieved from the wall, arched back, lifting my head to meet his. My feet stepped past the frontier, enabling me to the battle zone. My head lifted up, in an instant moment to meet his, but something, that rational, scolding part of my brain, sent a wave of nerves down my arm, whipping my hand into immediate action. His surprise was distinctly visible in the way the air evacuated his lungs, and I hated to be the disappointment to his unguardedness, but my body responded, only for a second, and my hand tore the space between our lips. With each extremity, I cupped his mouth, so the only skin my lips kissed was my own. With a pushing effort, I pushed Ikuto back, using the hand on his mouth and the one I placed on his chest for extra movement, just as the ding rang hard in my ears and the elevator commenced opening.

An Olympic timer could not have clocked how fast Ikuto's body whipped around, the rest of his clothing and hair flying to catch up with him. A pile of people awaited outside, hands in front of them, some talking, some holding the shoulders of children that barely reached their hips. Before I could even begin to comprehend my actions, I brushed past Ikuto, squirming my way through the impatient crowd, begging for space and air and a chance to think-

When I emerged from the crowd, unaware, a three pronged bar was there to catch my stumbling figure, and my hands wrapped easily around the safety precaution. Several gulps filled and escaped me, basically heaving with the thoughts of my mind and migrations of my body. Breathing was hot and harsh, but I gasped out the wicked sense in my mind, indicative of all things Ikuto. My eyes stared at the space below the bar, where a clear drop to a rounded glass dome curved into the building itself. The entire wall was made of glass, allowing clear view to the outside world. I realized we were there, but my eyes still grasped for purchase in the darkness of the skytree.

Ahead, behind the glass that I couldn't reach, was the city, in all of its bright splendor, sparkling and dazzling and everything breathtaking. I could see every building, every outline, every shape the city made with its intricate structure. I could see the expanse of water far ahead, see the bridge magnificently lit up above it. Every car on the highway raced, leaving streaks of gold and blue and red behind in their haste. Every light in each building glittered against the blackness of night.

But before I could lose my breath to any other sight before me, the phone in the small of my pocket vibrated noticeably. With shaky fingers, I reached in, feeling the silky interior of my pea coat, and clasped each edge of my phone with clammy palms. When extracted, I didn't think before flipping it open, I just did.

"Hello?" I asked, my voice present but my mind absent on anything happening.

"Amu Hinamori!"

My breath hitched, choking back the urge to cough.

Mom...

I was positive my sharp inhale was clear to her listening and strict ears. "Where on earth have you been?! Where are you, Amu?" she reprimanded, voice all motherly and scolding and sharp with the way her words cut into my ears.

Crap. Crap crap crap. Triple crap! I hadn't even bothered to tell her, hadn't wanted her to know in fear of her restricting me from coming.

"I'm... Mom I'm at the Christmas Tree thing..."

I could hear the agitated flare of her nostrils even from behind the phone. "And you didn't even bother to ask? You just left on your own?! Do you know how much trouble you're in young lady? How did you even get there," she demanded, a motion I'm sure caused her to place her hand on her hip flicking at her arm.

"I walked here..." Every truth I told was one edging me closer to the unwanted lecture I would be forced to sit through once her overprotective self came to snatch me away.

"You walked? Amu, do you know how ridiculous you sound?! Did you go alone? Someone could have kidnapped you! Someone could still kidnap you!" she yelled, and I knew she meant only well for the protection of her daughter, but it was annoying all the more.

"No one's going to kidnap me! I'm here with my friend, Utau! You know her! You met her! You know, the blonde one? Well, maybe you don't because the only thing you were looking at was that stupid detective guy you thought was cute! If you honestly cared you would let me be here and be happy for once!" I yelled back, just as piercing, willing my message to cross her little rage induced mind. Who was she to pull the mother card?

Her gasp was awarding. "I do too care! If I didn't care, I wouldn't have gone in the first place, and I certainly wouldn't be calling you now, worried, if I didn't CARE!"

I felt my hand grip the metallic bar tighter. A frustrated growl left my throat. "So what, you called to yell at me? Well guess what mom! Mission accomplished! Congratulations," I said, seconds away from hanging up. Her words were none too helpful in the process of figuring my life out.

"Where are you, Amu? I'm coming to get you, and if you don't tell me where you are you're going to be in a hell of a lot more trouble than you are now, that's for sure," she warned, extracting the answer out of me.

"Why should I tell you?"

Her laugh of hysteria was unpleasant. "Do you want me to call the police and report my daughter missing? Because I will. Now tell me, Amu. You don't have a choice."

I sighed, seeing no other way out of this. She was so impossibly annoying, and I wished nothing more for her than to maybe wreck on her way here, stalling the whole stupid process. "Whatever! God, I'm at the skytree, if it's really that imperative you know, mother," I snapped, physically whipping my cheek against the phone.

"I'm coming to get you. Be waiting outside, and have your phone turned up so I can call you."

Internally I groaned. "Fine."

"Goodbye."

I hung up before she could really finish the farewell.

Damn it.

Everything I did had to be ruined, didn't it?

I turned, eyes searching for Ikuto in the drab interior, but when I looked, the only thing that stood behind me was the closed doors of the elevator, and the missing figure of Ikuto himself.

He had left.