A M.A.S.H tribute! Fans of the show will recognize the style of the one liners in here. Well now here is a story I've been wanting to do for a long time. At first it was going to be a multi chapter drama/romance, then after you know what happened it was just going to be a tragedy, then I slapped myself and decided to make it a light comedy in the true style of the show. Well, the first three seasons anyway. So, for those of you who don't know, M.A.S.H stands for Mobile Army Surgical Hospital and this story takes place during the Korean War. That's basically all you need, some I hope you enjoy and please be warned, there is a very cheesy love story ahead. And I probably should add (this AN just goes on and on doesn't it :b) that the definition of 'love' here is also taken from the show. It's wartime, they're tired, they don't give much thought to their relationships and here I tried to capture that while still…giving thought to the relationship…so yeah, any suggestions would be appreciated.
Korea December 30th 1950
The 2573rd M.A.S.H Unit
Tenten and Temari's living quarters aka 'The Swamp'
A young woman groaned to herself as she fell backwards and crashed onto a standard issue pile of wood and cloth that some moron in the military had decided to call a cot and deem fit for medical use. She pushed her body back up against the headboard and attempted to find a comfortable position in the cold and slightly damp blankets. Failing that, she rubbed her hands together repeatedly to try and find some heat before picking up a plain army green pad of paper and a pencil. Pressing the rubber tip up to her mouth for a brief second in silent contemplation, she began to write.
"Dear Dad
The charge is over, finally after almost three straight days of sowing bodies back up and meatball surgery. 70 whole hours. I'm thinking about putting in a formal complaint to General McArthur, the war is starting to interfere with my leisure time. Either that or running through the mess hall naked to try and get a section 8 psycho discharge.
I know this can't be anything like the paratrooper work you used to do back in the Great War but I guess you can imagine what war is like on the other end of the draft board.
I almost forgot to thank for making me become a doctor in the first place. If you hadn't sent me off to medical school kicking and screaming I probably would've ended up a nurse. Not that our nurses aren't all swell people but I know that if I was a nurse, I'd have two certain people giving me a much harder time than they already do."
One Week Ago
"So what're you doing after the war?" Kiba whistled over to Tenten as he continued to work away at his patient. "Give me some suction." He ordered the nurse, looking back down at his work. A dozen doctors and nurse bustled around the crude operating room, observing, cutting and sowing the sedated soldiers lying on the tables.
"Kiba, shut it or I'll put your fingers in traction." Tenten shot back immediately, focusing on her own task at hand. "Damn it," she mumbled observing the shattered material inside that she had to work with. "Bone cutter." The nurse handed her another surgical tool.
"Did you hear that?" Kiba asked Naruto as he began sowing the wound back together. "A beautiful girl had just offered to break my fingers to take me out of the war. Have I died and gone to heaven?"
"No, but keep this up and you'll be doing the dying part real quick," Tenten replied, extremely annoyed. "Damn it all, retract that so I can see something!" she demanded. "This kids got enough shrapnel in him to start his own scrap yard."
"Can we have some semblance of military discipline here?" Sasuke yelled working from the other side of the room before snatching another instrument from the nurse's hand.
"I'm sorry, we'll try to turn the war down over here," Kiba deadpanned.
"Colonel! This man is continuously damaging morale!" Saskue snapped at the head Doctor.
"Your morale? Damaged?" Naruto asked walked passed him to his next patient. "Mr. Sunshine? Not a chance."
"He's damaging the nurses morale then," Saskue said snidely as he continued to dig shrapnel out of an artery.
"Hey I do my best to keep their morale up but I've only got two hands," Kiba yelled back. "Okay we're done, get this kid outta here."
"COLONEL!"
"Lieutenant Colonel Shikamaru Nara is a pretty good Joe and a great doctor, but as our commanding officer it's like being on the Titanic and running to the bridge only to find the captain asleep at the wheel."
"Oh for the love of…would you idiots quit yammering already?" the colonel huffed, his raven black spiked hair shoved under his operating cap. "I've got my hands full here as it is."
"Can somebody help me over here!" Tenten all but screamed. "This kids got a punctured lung, bullet went right through him and I damn well can't patch him up without…"
"I'll hold it open, you do the rest" a cold, smooth voice drifted in beside her, settling across the table. Tenten quickly glanced up. Neji, of course. He glanced calmly down at the injury and nodded.
"Right…" Tenten nodded back. "Thanks Neji." And with that she plunged back in and began to operate.
"Captain Neji Hyuga, now theirs' and interesting guy. He comes from along line of military folk himself. World, Spanish, Civil, Revolutionary, you name it his families had some part in it. Of course, he's in a surgical hospital since his game leg keeps him out of regular service. Not that I'm complaining of course, but more on Hyuga boy later.
Christmas has come and gone but the last thing we had was a white one. It seems criminal for a place to be this cold and be foreboding not to give us the one holiday joy of snow. Instead we had the traditional green hills of Korea dotted with the occasional mortar shells flying in our direction.
But even in this cesspool though theirs still a few people who haven't flipped out so far as to forget how to celebrate the yuletide season."
4 Days Ago
"Tenten! You'll never guess what happened!" Ino shouted, running across the base until she reached her, bundled under several layers of thick standard issue green jackets.
"My draft board called and said it was all a horrible mistake?" she retorted sticking her hands back in her pockets in another vain attempt to warm them up.
"I just finished talking with the Shikamaru and he's ok'd the Christmas Party,"
"Joy," Tenten said sarcastically sloshing through the camp mud while Ino casually slipped around it. "Let me guess booze?"
"Check,"
"Frank Sinatra and Dinah Shore?"
"Wouldn't miss it."
"Boys?"
"Of course."
"Great we'll be able to get drunk listening to 'A Hot Time In Berlin' while my lips are frozen on some guy I've never met before." Tenten drawled sarcastically.
"Come on! It'll be fun!" Ino begged, her blue eyes gleaming with mischief as she eyed a passing corporal closely.
"You know our guys, most of them won't remember it," Tenten sighed, running the detrimental effects of alcohol through her head.
"You're in a bad mood today," Ino sniffed. Despite this, a sly grin still crossed her face as she glanced at her comrade. Completely assured that she could convince her friend to come.
"Gee I can't imagine why, I'm 12,000 miles from home at Christmas time sowing kids who aren't even old enough to shave back together while my neighbors keep dropping bombs on the building that I work in." Tenten replied, rolling her eyes.
"Look, everyone else is coming. The Colonel, Hinata, Kiba, even Neji." She added at the end trying to suppress a giggle.
"Neji? You got that ice cube to come?" Tenten asked shocked.
"Totally," Ino said confidently, pretending to look at another military officer for the sole purpose of averting her eyes. "Just come and take a look. It's tomorrow night in the mess tent, just show up. You might enjoy it." And with that she gave her a wink and ran off chasing down another officer.
So, that's how I got roped into going to the Christmas celebration. Ino is our assistant head nurse, when she's not chasing boys she always scheming up new ways add a little romance to the battlefield. It's a nice sentiment but personally I wanted to try and focus on my work when I'm playing hot potato with someone else's kidneys.
A couple that has no problem with all the mushy gushy stuff, even in the room where we dig through all the mushy gushy stuff is Saskue and Sakura. They think no one's wise to their relationship but really by this time the only one who hasn't caught on is General McArthur's pipe stuffer. Luckily, they manage to keep their hands off of each other during working hours or when they're in plain sight.
Our two chief surgeons on the other hand…
3 Days Ago
"Tenten!" Kiba exclaimed with a bottle in his hand as the women cautiously crossed the brown threshold of the Mess Tent out of the brightly light Korean night. "Care for…"
"If the sentence that is about to emerge contains grope, kiss or pet in some way or form forget it," she said immediately raising a fist defensively. "Unless you want another pelvic surgery and complaint filed to General Inochi for sexual harassment."
"I was just going to offer you a drink," Kiba all but grimaced remembering his last several romantic, yet desperate, escapades.
"I wouldn't take a drink you offered me for five dollars," Tenten almost sneered as she tried to maneuver around Kiba as carefully as possible. A mischievous grin overtook Kiba's face.
"I don't think you trust me," he challenged as he extended his arm, offering her a martini glass almost spilling over with the clear alcohol.
"Not since I first found you hiding in my sleeping bag," Tenten shot back. "Face it, you've hit on every nurse in this outfit and the only reason your hitting on me right now is because I'm the one girl in here that you want but can't have."
"It's just a drink…"
"No,"
"How about a soda instead?" a voice entered smoothly. Tenten turned her head to see Neji, in the standard military uniform handing her a pop bottle. Tenten shook the surprised look off of her face, carefully took it from his hands and locked his arm as she politely walked off with him before quickly turning her head and sticking her tongue out. Kiba stood by himself for a minute in stunned silence.
"Did Neji Hyuga just make a non-surgical move on another human being?" he asked.
"And a member of the opposite sex no less," Naruto agreed from his side. "Anyway, it's probably for the best. I'll be taking inventory in the supply tent with Hinata tonight so this'll be a good distraction."
"Have fun you two," Kiba sighed as they slipped out discretely.
That pair are by far the two biggest living pains anyone of us has ever had to deal with. We thought about shipping them off to live with the North Koreans but they'd probably just send them back. However, they are the best chest surgeons in the outfit and the Colonel would never deal with all the paperwork necessary to fire them.
"Thanks for the save," Tenten muttered as soon as the two were out of earshot.
"Don't mention it," he replied stoicly. His lips seemingly sealed into a neutral face. Tenten raised an eyebrow as she looked up at him. This definitely wasn't like him.
Now we get back to Neji Hyuga, a model soldier and doctor. Pretty handsome to, but in all honesty, if I'd walked into his cabin by accident on day one I would've figured I still had the right tent. Most people here have their folks send them cookies or real American meat. Neji's family sends him shampoo. He's just so quiet though, so you can imagine my surprise when he pulled me out of the fire.
The pair wormed their way through the crowd of jovial and sometimes tipsy crowd of soldiers and doctors alike, celebrating and laughing. Tenten caught Sakura eyeing Sasuke in the corner but just gave her a polite nod.
"You didn't have to do that you know," Tenten explained as she glanced across the room for a secluded spot.
"Then you would rather still be back with the doctor?" Neji replied, following Tenten's gaze across the room.
"No, I'm grateful, it's just that I'm not really used to being rescued…like that. I guess it comes with being a surgeon. You get so used to saving other people or at least trying to that when it comes to what you need…" She finished with a laugh. Neji didn't laugh. "Seriously though, why?" Tenten turned her gaze on him curiously. Neji gazed back, then around the crowded room.
"Why don't we step outside for a moment?" Tenten looked at him cautiously and raised an eyebrow. Neji extended his hand and reluctantly, Tenten took it as the two slipped out the backdoor.
On the moonlight-bathed compound, Tenten took another look around the sprawling array of slightly organized green and brown tents. In the distance, the MP's patrolled the borders boredly, guns held in their hands.
"Okay, so just what is your deal. You never help anyone else in OR, you offered seven times in the last two weeks. You save me tonight then drag me out here, you take a couple glances at me after we come out of surgery every time…I mean not even Kiba does that he's to tired we're all tired, what's your deal?"
"You do the same thing, I think you might've been doing it first. Don't believe in love?" Neji asked offhandedly staring out into the faintly illuminated mountains. Tenten sighed inwardly. Well there went any chance of subtly that conversation might have previously
"No, not out here," She mumbled pushing the dirt around with her foot. "I've only been with one guy the whole time I've been here. It was during the first week we just started something…I don't know. We didn't sleep together we just…slept in the same bed together. Then he got his discharge and he left. I don't remember his name or his face. That's the full extent of l-o-v-e out here, people sleep together to keep themselves warm, then they leave…For all I know you're married!"
"Well I can see why you're so skeptical," Neji said, his face finally melting into a slight grin. He straightened his hair and flipped it back behind his head. Despite herself, Tenten let out a giggle. Neji gave her a humorous glance.
"Sorry," she began. "You just don't see that every day, especially with a guy." Neji frowned for a moment before a smile also split his face.
"Let me give you an alternate interpretation," he said as Tenten eyed him curiously. "Maybe, two people out on the battlefield are stressed, maybe prone to making dumb mistakes. But I think I know an a real honest attraction to someone." He slowly moved towards her still looking beyond her off into the mountains. "Not the one night stand, and not the silent relationship just for the duration of our stay here…If you'll excuse me," he said turning his head to look at her. "I'll use one of Kiba's lines. What're you doing after the war?"
"You're sure you're not married?" Tenten smiled at the bad joke, asking him one last time as she took a step closer to him, close enough to feel the body heat radiating off of him in the bone chilling night as the bottle slowly slipped from her hands. "You know this is moving along pretty fast. Maybe I need to ask you again. Why?" She ended her sentence abruptly while sending him a coy look. Neji paused as he raised his eyes to meet hers dead on, his white pupils gently reflecting the clean silver moon.
"I just think, theirs a lot more to you than meets the eye, not that I'd complain about your looks of course," he said as they moved in closer to each other. "Do you think it's weird for two people who just confessed they love each other to kiss?"
"Its Korea, theirs a war going on, I don't want to know but I certainly do care." Tenten smirked as she vigorously locked her lips with his. Neji gently slid his arms around her as he pressed forward, continuing to brush his lips up against hers.
"I think this is the first time I've felt warm all winter," she smirked again as the two part just long enough to get some air. This was different, no fireworks, no butterflies. Elation, bliss, happiness, they all worked. Quickly the two closed the small gap between themselves again as they began to kiss. Oh, ecstasy worked quite nicely as well.
"Telegram for you Colonel," an officer said inside, quickly squirming through the crowd to reach Shikamaru.
"No, the only mail I'll accept at this point is a full apology from President Truman." The tired commander said looking at the messenger as if he was ready to strangle him. Reluctantly, he opened the letter and looked at it.
"ATTENTION! ATTENTION ALL PERSONAL! WE HAVE INCOMING WOUNDED! ALL SHIFTS REPORT TO THE OPERATING ROOM ON THE DOUBLE!"
"Canadian battalion got hit pretty hard up on hill 24!" Shikamaru yelled looking up from the telegram. "Let's get ready people!"
"Looks like we'll have to finish this later." Neji muttered. Tenten grinned at him.
"If we live through this one that is," she smiled as the pair quickly followed the crowd into the fully moonlight night, across the sopping wet ground and brown native mud, through the country air towards the glowing lights of the hospital room just as the whiz of chopper blades filled the air.
3 Days Later
Well that's about the jist of it dad. My co-worker just became my boyfriend. He seems pretty serious about carrying on our relationship after the war is over. His family is from Indiana though and that's a pretty long way for Vermont. So you might as well get some extra cots ready, Neji says his relatives do a 'background check'.
As long as that doesn't involve bullets, it's okay with me. I hope this letter finds you well dad. Happy New Year, stay safe and healthy. I love you.
Sincerely, Your Daughter and unsuccessful draft dodger
Tenten
Ladies and Gentlemen if their ever was a singular definition for a contrived love scene, that was it right their. Well, I enjoyed writing this one though, thanks for reading! And please, pick up an episode or two of M.A.S.H if you see it, awesome show.