Disclaimer: I don't own Rent (sadly).
Note: Well, here's another one of my parodies. I got really stuck while writing my Les Miz parody (which will be up whenever inspiration for it strikes again), but this one kind of just seemed to happen. And despite what this fic might suggest, no, I'm not on drugs. Musical-verse.
Act I:
Mark: OMG ROGER, IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE!
Roger: Whatever.
Mark: BUT SANTA'S GONNA COME TONIGHT!
Roger: First of all, you're Jewish. Second of all…heh. Come.
Mark: You're SO immature.
Roger: And you are?
Mark: …moving on!
Phone: *rings*
Mrs. Cohen: MARKYKINS, I LOVE YOU! OVERBEARING JEWISH MOTHER!
Mark: …fuck my life.
Phone: *rings again*
Collins: FUCKING PICK THE PHONE UP!
Mark: OMG COLLINS HI I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Collins: Yeah, you too. Now just throw the key in the street—nothing can go wrong with that, I'm sure—and I'll let myself in the—oh shit! *gets beat up*
Phone: *rings…again*
Benny: HEY BITCHES!
Mark and Roger: Fuck you.
Benny: …rent, man. *ominous stalker music*
Power: *goes out*
Mark and Roger: *ANGST!*
Phone: *rings…again again*
Mark: My lesbian ex-girlfriend wants me to save her protest? SUPER MARK TO THE RESCUE! *dons cape*
Roger: *coughs* loser!
Angel: Hiiiiiiiiiii!
Collins: Holy crap, you're hot!
Angel: Annnnnnd I have AIDS!
Collins: Me too!
Angel: OMG! We're soulmates! *skip off together merrily*
Mark: *dons scarf of awesomeness* weeeee're off to save the protest, the wonderful protest of Maureen!
Roger: Who d'you mean "we"?
Mark: Oh right, you've got that like, angsty song to sing. Go on. Oh, and take your AIDS drugs while I'm gone to "find Collins".
Roger: *looks around to see if he's alone* looks like it's just you and me tonight, Betsy. *plays guitar and begins to angst*
Mimi: Hi, guy-who-lives-with-his-best-friend-in-the-apartment-above-mine!
Roger: My name's Roger…and you're a whore.
Mimi: Nuh-uh, not a whore. Exotic dancer, mister!
Roger: Right, now get the fu—ooh, drugs!
Mimi: Those are MINE, thank you very much! *takes them and leaves*
Roger: Well. That was interesting.
Joanne's Parents: BRA!
Mark: I'm back! How was your angsting?
Roger: Eh, it was alright. Did you, ahem, "find Collins?"
Mark: No—
Collins: MERRY CHRISTMAS, BITCHES!
Mark: Well, that was convenient.
Collins: So I brought cereal!
Mark and Roger: Yay!
Collins: And wine!
Mark and Roger: Yay!
Collins: And a drag queen!
Mark and Roger: Yay—wait, what?
Angel: Hello! I killed the enemy of your dog—oopsie, I mean, the dog of your enemy!
Mark and Roger: Yay!
Benny: Yo, 'sup?
Roger: WE AIN'T PAYIN', BITCH.
Mark: What he said.
Benny: But you can—
Roger: No.
Benny: But—
Roger: No.
Benny: B—
Roger: FOR FUCK'S SAKE, NO MEANS NO, BENNY. *throws Prozac at him*
Collins: Oh hey, this is fun! Let's throw shit at Benny! *throws drugs at him*
Mark: *throws self at him*
Collins: Annnnnd now it's creepy…
Mark: HI MAUREEN I'M TOTALLY HERE TO, YOU KNOW, "FIX YOUR EQUIPMENT" AND STUFF.
Joanne: …THIS is who my girlfriend left for me?
Mark: Exactly my thoughts.
Joanne: So Maureen…is like a tango…
Mark: Your fancy lawyer metaphors hurt my albino brain!
Joanne: …so she's a slut, right?
Mark: Yeah, basically.
Joanne: …fuck.
Mark: Well, I'm off to crash a life support meeting!
AIDS Patients: Life sucks and then you have risky sex, get AIDS, and die. At least we have each other!
Mimi: FUCK, I'm horny and my vibrator died and I have no batteries! Lemme go stalk that-guy-who-lives-upstairs-with-his-best-friend again!
Roger: FOR THE LAST TIME, MY NAME IS ROGER! Also you interrupted my private time with Betsy.
Mimi: Your girlfriend?
Roger: No, my guitar.
Mimi: …you're weird, dude.
Roger: Coming from the girl in sparkly blue pants, that's the pot calling the kettle black.
Life Support Group: Metaphooooooooors!
Roger: I don't understand yooooooooooouuuu!
Random Homeless Lady: Fuck artists!
Mark: *pouts and drags feet to subway station*
Angel: You know what city is like, TOTALLY awesome?
Collins: San Francisco?
Mark: Chicago?
Angel: No! Santa Fe!
Mark and Collins: Oh, duh!
Angel and Collins: We're SO totally in love despite having known each other for just about maybe two hours! *smooch*
Joanne: FUCK THEM BITCHES FOR CUTTING THIS SONG FROM THE MOVIE! CRYPTIC PHONE CONVERSATIONS ARE AWESOME!
Homeless People: Fuck Christmas.
Roger: THERE'S THAT SKANK FROM THE APARTMENT BELOW US!
Mark: Tap dat.
Roger: …real mature, Mark.
Mark: I try!
Angel: Take this leather coat!
Collins: Hey that's—
Vendor: HERETAKEITOKAY.
Everyone: SNOW!
Maureen: Moo! Cows! Leap of faith! Metaphors! Benny sucks! Moo! MOO!
Mark: Hey y'all, dinner's on me!
Restaurant Dude: You're broke, man.
Angel: But I'M not! Kapow! Let's eat!
Maureen: Fuck you, Benny!
All: *in agreement* yeah!
Angel: I killed your dog!
All: *in surprise* OMG!
Mark: ILOVEYOU!
All: *sit in silence* …what?
Mark: It's SO obvious that I'm bi due to my ho yay with Roger, but this musical only allows for one bi character, which is Maureen, so I'll be quiet now.
Benny: Hey, 'ho.
Mimi: For the last time, I'm an EXOTIC DANCER!
Mark: LET'S HAVE A PARTY!
Collins: I prefer the term 'impromptu salon'.
Mark: Whatever.
AZT Beepers: *beep*
Roger: You have AIDS? Me too!
Mimi: We're TOTALLY soulmates, just like Angel and Collins!
Roger: …yeah, let's go with that, sure.
Mimi: This can only have a happy ending, right? *shifty eyes*
Joanne: Yeah, I don't mean to be a buzzkill or anything, but Benny padlocked your door.
Everyone: Fuck!
Joanne: BUT AT LEAST WE HAVE ALL THIS BOOZE!
Everyone: YEAH! LONG LIVE THE BOHEMIAN LIFE!
Act II:
Cast: So basically there's a lot of minutes in a year—525,600 to be exact—and you shouldn't waste them all and blah blah, make things meaningful, blah.
Mark: I'm drunk as fuck, so…wanna break into the loft?
Everyone else: Sounds good, considering we're drunk too!
Phone: *rings*
Alexi: COME JOIN US IN CORPORATE AMERICA!
Mark: *snorts* yeah, right. When hell freezes over, bitch!
Others: *break in thanks to Angel's AWESOMENESS*
Benny: I'm not creepy at all, no sir, I just happen to be waiting here knowing precisely that you would break back in here—in record time, may I just say—and berate me. Oh, and Roger? I used to date your girlfriend.
Roger: …seriously, this universe likes to conspire against me.
Maureen: PIERCED NIPPLES!
Joanne: WOMEN IN RUBBER!
Maureen: Well, it's a good thing I'm bi!
Joanne: …wait, no, come back!
Maureen: Bye, bitch!
Cast: How do you figure a last year on—oh, foreshadowing, by the way.
Mimi: Hi honey, sorry, I was just seeing my drug dea—my mother.
Roger: You're a horrible liar and those shoes don't match that top.
Mimi: *offended* what?! They so do!
Roger: I can't go out with someone who's fashion-challenged! Goodbye!
Phone: *rings for the eighty-millionth time*
Alexi: Come to the dark side, we have cookies!
Mark: COOKIES? OKAY!
Cast: Sex!
Angel: *orgasm of DEATH*
Collins: …I'm a very sad panda now.
Everyone: *is sad*
Mark: FUCK MY LIFE, I'M FUCKING ALONE WITH MY CAMERA AND ALL OF MY FRIENDS EXCEPT MY EX GIRLFRIEND AND HER CURRENT GIRLFRIEND HAVE AIDS AND I JUST SOLD MY SOUL AND CRAP! IT ALL SUCKS!
Everyone: *gets into a shouty fight*
Collins: *breaks up shouty fight*
Roger: Later, bitches! I'm off to Santa Fe! For some reason!
Mark: Wait! We have to have a bromance moment!
Roger: Oh, fine. *bro-hugs Mark quickly* BYE.
Mark: *sniffles* he'll never know how I feel about him!
Mimi: Fuck, I'm probably dying.
Roger: WHY AM I HALLUCINATING OMFG.
Mark: I'M STILL ALONE WITH MY CAMERA!
Roger: Dude, I'm back.
Mark: OH THANK GOD! *pounces on him*
Phone: *rings yet—oh, you get it*
Parents: CALL US, DAMMIT!
Mark: I finally finished my movie!
Roger: And I wrote a song!
Mark: …what about that angsty song from like, LAST Christmas Eve?
Roger: What angsty song? *plays guitar*
Collins: So I hijacked the ATM at the corner store and—
Maureen: FOR SOME REASON, MY LAWYER GIRLFRIEND AND ME AND CAN'T LIFT A 90 POUND GIRL UP THE STAIRS SO COME HELP US!
Mimi: Why…can't…you…guys…do…anything…right? *wheeze*
Joanne: Gosh, I just realized how close to La Bohème this all is! Crap, I hope that doesn't mean that this is gonna have the same ending as that opera…
Roger: Your eyes…are like giant flies…that I swat with my ties…while I make pizza pies! That get eaten by spies! Who tell awful lies!
Mimi: THAT'S what you spent a year writing? *passes out from the stupidity of it all*
Roger: …fuck my life.
Mimi: HOLY CRAP WHY AM I THINKING OF COWS?
Everyone: Yay, you're alive!
Mimi: I am? Oh, right, I am!
Cast: No day but today!
*curtain closes*
Roger: HEY, I GET WHAT THAT MEANS NOW!
Mark: …oh for the love of God.
The End