WARNING: Crack-Fic. I love the TFS Hellsing Abridged Series, so basing this off that. A lot of cursing and innuendo. If you have not seen TFS Hellsing Abridged then you may want to watch it. Story takes place after the Hellsing Ultimate series, and during the third Twilight book.

Episode 1 - We are going the fuck where?

Sir Integra Wingates Hellsing sat in her office, missing one eye and cursing the damned vampire servant she has for taking too many enthusiastic walks at night lately. "Damnit Alucard! Why did you have to blow up the hospital?!" Seething at his ridiculous smile, "We had enough property damage with the damn Nazis!"

"HA! Told you so about the Nazis!" Alucard would still not let that go, "and I felt that London needed a new hospital, so what's one building in the scope of the rebuild?" Shrugging and laughing at the torment he causes his Master the nosferatu and draculina standing before her getting debriefed from a vampire infestation at the London Hospital.

"Ug, what am I going to do with you, you dick?" Alucard smirked, "Oh I don't know how about hire Michael McDoesn't exist to stop me?" Seras giggled at her masters careless attitude toward their boss, who in her opinion needed to get laid fast.

"Do not kill the dumb ass vampire, do not kill the dumb ass vampire." Repeating in her head. trying to figure out a punishment that would actually be cruel to the deranged immortal. "That bastard hates everything that mocks his kind of vampire, so this will be perfect." Integra thought while looking over a file the CIA had sent them.

"Alucard, I have a mission for you and the police girl," Integra said while smiling evilly at the two undead morons in her employ. Alucard never felt fear, oh no, but he did get a sinking suspicion that his master was going to be having fun at his expense; and that was never fun for him.

"The CIA have been sending us reports lately of possible vampire activity in the North-Western part of the country, specifically a small town in Washington state. A place known as Forks; you and the police girl are to head there immediately and establish if there is in fact a problem."

"Yup, bitch is going to have fun at my expense again. Note to self, come up with new crazy scheme to piss her off while in America." Alucard smirked, "Ya know, I have never killed a big-foot. I reckon if I shot one with my gun, you think beef jerky would come out?"

"BEEF JERKY COMES FROM COWS, NOT BIG-FOOT!" Integra yelled at the two, "Now get the hell out of my office and on a plan!" Both vampires did the most sarcastic bow and left the irritated woman to prep for their trip.

"You know you were awfully quiet in there Seras, cat got your tongue?" Alucard asked while walking beside his now actual feedling. "Nope! I just love it when you get her riled up, means we can do even more damage and not get in trouble because she expects it!" Smiling under her strawberry blond locks closing her red eyes in happiness for the destruction to come.

Becoming a true vampire really brought out the evil in the girl, which made Alucard giddy with anticipation for his next enthusiastic walk in the moonlight. "That and she keeps calling me police girl instead of my name like you do now, she seems to not think I am as crazy as you are now. I saw no reason to change that!"

Alucard smirked, very happy that his child finally has taken up havoc and mayhem. If Integra ever found out the the hospital was actually blow up cause Seras hit the gas full line with her cannon on purpose, well let's just say they might be in more trouble than they currently are.

A midnight red '72 GTO pulled to an abrupt stop at small home where a "Moving Van" was parked. "Damn that's a nice car, what do you think Billy?" Charlie asked his longtime friend who were both outside drinking a beer waiting on Bella to get home from her early curfew date with Edward. "Oh yeah, '72 GTO, very nice car."

"Wanna go say hi?" He asked putting down the beer about to get up. However before Billy could answer and Charlie actually get up, the driver and passenger got out and both men shared a look. The driver had to be no more than 25 years old roughly 5 feet tall, well developed female with strawberry blond hair, and red eyes. Her outfit doing nothing to hide herself, wearing tight form fitting red cargo pants, a black and red cammie, with a red jacket and khaki combat boots.

The passenger however was a different story, standing at an almost incredible 7 feet tall, long black hair reaching his waist, yellow sunglasses laid lightly over his eyes, wearing a completely black suit, and giving off an air of "not to be fucked with". Neither man wanted to walk up to them.

"On second thought." grabbing his beer back up, "let's just wait on Bella." Billy nodded his head in agreement. But not because of the air the man gave off, but because he knew red eyes meant trouble.

"Ah, our own personal HQ!" Seras said while stepping out of the car, "Want to paint the walls red with blood master?" Letting out a chuckle at the girl, "last time I tried that I couldn't find enough goats, so we shall hold off till we can find a stable source of goats."

Nodding at the answer she walk up to the moving van and through the back doors open. Grabbing her cannon from the back in its impressive case she skipped to the open garage to place the impressive weapon inside. "Note to self, bitches may love cannons but Seras needs a gun to keep on her at all times like I can keep mine on me." Alucard meanwhile grabbed the shipping box that was holding his coffin inside to hide it from prying eyes, and carried it in.

The two had taken to sleeping in his coffin ever since she stopped being a big baby and became a true vampire. Which he didn't mind at all, expanding his coffin took only the smallest bit of vampiric magic.

And sleeping with his large breasted feedling makes him happier than anything. "Now I just need to convince her to have hot dirty sexy over the corpse's of our dead enemies." Smiling to himself the aged master vampire continued into the master bedroom to set the coffin down.

"Master!" Seras yelled from some where in the home, "I am going to set up the network to contact back home to let them know we are here!" Not bothering to respond Alucard moved from the bedroom to the kitchen and grab some blood.

"Yes Master's Master, we are here and currently setting up base." Integra hated when Seras called her that but at this point there was no reason to stop it. "Very well police girl, if you need anything you two dumb asses know how to contact me. In the meantime find out what is going on."

Seras nodded before signing off the video call, and decided to find her master. "Ah, Seras how did talking with the bitch go?" Alucard asked while slurping down the last of his blood pack. "Eh, it would have been better if she finally got laid."

Chuckling lightly he nodded before grabbing the keys for the GTO and tossing them to Seras. "We are going into town to find you a pistol to keep on your person."

Seras got a dangerous look in her eyes with a smile threatening to split her face open, "bitches love guns!"

Driving like a bat out of hell is one of Seras specialties, and with the promise of a new gun, well lets just say they made it in record time to downtown Port Angeles. "Well finding a gun store was easier than I though," Alucard thought while getting out of the parked GTO. "Then again this is America, where they want to go deer hunting with a bazooka...ah America!"

"Sooooo, what type of gun should I get huh hun?!" Seras asked with that sparkle in her red eyes while looking over the racks of guns. Alucard smirked loving his feedling even more, "A pistole, quite large will be perfect."

Turning to the man behind the counter who was eying them strangely, "We would like to see the largest caliber handgun you have." Nodding the man walked over to one of the display cases and pulled out two different items.

"I can tell you two are quite the conusors, and for you I have my two best," gesturing to the first one, "we have here a long barreled Smith & Wesson model 29 .45 revolver. Commonly known as the Dirty Harry gun, for the longest time it was considered the most powerful handgun on the market. I well deserved classic.

"Over here I have the current highest rated caliber pistol on the market. The Taurus Raging Judge model M513. It fires 5 .454 Casull rounds, or .45 Magnum rounds, and lastly if you want to get nasty with someone it fires the 410 shotgun round." Seras saw the gun and fell in love. Picking it up the solid chrome finish, with the black hand grips just made the gun look sexy, whipping it to the side lining up a shot she smirked enjoying the feeling.

Pulling her arm up into a right angle with the gun in front of her face, she opens the 5 round chamber gives it a spin before snapping it back into place. "We'll take it, along with a waist holster, 10 boxes of the .454 rounds and 10 boxes of the 410 rounds. I will also need 5 quick loaders and an ammo belt."

Smiling at the large order the clerk nodded before getting everything ready. "Nice choice Seras, hopefully we get to test it out soon." Seras smirked, "oh I hope so master."

Leaving the gun store the two drove back to home before gearing up and heading on a nice moonlight stroll through the woods.

The woods have no idea what is going to hit them.

AN:

So the first thing after reading this you're probably wondering why I made the M513 fire the 410 round when it doesn't. The reason why is because out of all the high caliber revolvers that is the only one that doesn't look stupid, so I took some FICTION liberties and made it so. Deal with it, this is a crack fic, it doesn't have to make sense.