You've Got Mail

I

Erik,

I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do with you. First, you're willing to drown yourself all for the sake of revenge. Next, you're angry and moody and snappy at the only person you've met that's willing to care. Raven thinks you probably never had any friends when you were a child so you spent all your spare time with your pet dog Sparky. Indeed, she was that specific. I think that it's more than that. I think that the man on the ship that you were going after was someone from your past. I've seen the numbers Erik, the ones on your wrist. Was he somehow responsible for something that happened to you during those years?

I wish you would talk to me, help me understand. I want to read your mind, but I won't. I know that wouldn't accomplish anything; actually, I think that would make you shut down even more. I want your trust Erik, even if that means I have to wait. Oh, I hear Raven calling now. I really wish you'll be in a better mood during dinner (if you're even there that is). Surprisingly, writing to you like this is quite therapeutic. Perhaps I'll recommend it to you next time we meet. Then maybe you'll finally talk to me, even if I never see the words on the page.

II

Charles,

I'm not quite sure how to do this. Frankly I think it's a dumb idea, but you seemed so sure of it when you told me about it. There's nothing I have to tell really. I'm a German Jew, 6'0, I like black, turtlenecks are my favorites pieces of clothing, I was put into a concentration camp at a young age, my mother was killed in front of me, I never saw my father again after he passed through the gates, and I have an extreme hatred of Sebastian Shaw, country music and fish. I would tell you all this, but then I'd probably have to kill you.

Surprisingly, I don't want to have to do that to you. There's something honest and open about you that makes me want to talk, but I've made mistakes before and I've had to pick up the pieces after everything is broken. I'll stay as long as it takes to make you happy, but then we must part ways. Shaw is my problem, and I can't let him go for long. You don't know him as I do Charles. Shaw is a monster that needs to be put down before he destroys anyone else as he almost destroyed me. Just don't get involved Charles. Stay here in your palace of ignorance and live your life with Raven.

I'm glad you won't see this. Verdammt, I've opened up like a little girl with her first diary. It's embarrassing, especially for me. That's why you won't ever see this. I'll hide it, the thoughts are out of my head, and you never have to know. I'll be just the same to you so you'll know nothing's wrong. That'll make it easier, for both of us.

III

My friend,

I know I haven't done this in a while. I thought I wouldn't need to anymore, but…I'm confused. You've changed so much! You smile more, though you look like the Cheshire cat when you do, but at least you smile. You talk more; when we play chess, I feel so certain that you'll trust me enough to open up. There are even times when I catch you looking at me; I swear you look like you want to eat me. The problem is I know that those looks should scare me but…they don't. In fact, it turns me on a little.

Don't get me wrong, I'm as straight as a ruler! It's just something about you…drives me mad. I feel so certain that you'll see it, that you know, but then you look away and I feel a pain in my chest. I've had feelings for women before, but I've never felt this way, especially for a man! Strangely, I find myself wishing that you might look at me with some semblance of what I feel for you and then I remember. I smile and move the chess pieces and talk to you and pretend that I don't feel anything when you don't look at me the way I wish you would.

It doesn't help that I sometimes catch Raven staring at you with puppy-dog eyes. She likes you, but she's a woman. She has the chance to catch your eye while I…I can be your friend only. To you and everyone else, I'll settle for this. Only on this page will I say that I want to rip that turtleneck from your body and hold you to me. Only here will I say that I want to be held by every morning and every night. Only here will I say that pretending takes my heart and shreds it beyond repair. I love you Erik. My friend, I love you. I love you, I love you.

IV

Charles,

Have I done something? There are times I catch you looking at me with such a look of despair and then, oh how quickly it becomes that jovial smile of yours. How can you smile so easily to me? You shouldn't, you know. You wouldn't smile at me if you knew the thoughts that I have whenever I'm near you. I dream of kissing you Charles, of making you mine in every way. I dream of holding you to me as you cry my name in pleasure. I dream of waking every morning and being free to kiss you while getting my cup of coffee. I dream, I yearn, I lust, I love.

Yes Charles, I love you. I think I have since the first time I saw you. There was something about the way you said my name and told me I wasn't alone. It had been so many years since I had seen such concern for me, but it was different. I had seen concern but it was always accompanied by fear or pity. With you, it was friendliness. I believe that you would have let me go on forever except that I would have drowned, and that's what makes the difference. You understood me, but you cared too much to let me die, even though you didn't know me.

I'll never forget the way you looked, all wet, our lips red and your skin white from the cold. You were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. At first, I denied my feelings because I'm a man and, well, you are too. Things have changed since then, and I can't deny what I feel anymore. Your kindness and friendliness takes the wall I've built around my heart and demolishes it with little effort. I yearn for you so much, but I can only tell you my feelings here. I fear what you might say if I should tell you the truth.

Maybe then pity would come into your eyes and I could not bear that. The thought of fear or pity in your eyes directed towards me would destroy me worse than anything Shaw could do. If you will not look at me with love, then I will settle for kindness. It's so hard to write settle when meanwhile my heart pounds in my chest. I feel like a schoolboy writing a love letter to his first crush! Charles, I want more than anything to have you look at me with passion and love; I want to hear those words fall from your lips before I claim them.

Charles, you ridiculous tea-loving, chess-playing, mind-reading British fool, I love you with everything that I am. When you looked into my thoughts, all I had was a memory of a birthday I had long thought forgotten. If only you could see now, Charles. If only you could see that that memory is joined by so many that I have of you. Maybe then you would understand, maybe then you would look at me the way I desperately wish you would.

V

My friend,

I kissed you today. I'm not sure what to think about that anymore. Maybe I should be more specific. I kissed you today and you ran. You didn't kiss me back or even say "I'm sorry but…" You just ran. Since you didn't stay to see, I'll tell you that I watched you leave then walked straight to my room. I didn't talk to anyone and now my door is locked. Raven has been knocking once every 10 minutes, but I'm not ready to see her yet. I'm grateful that I decided to do it in the privacy of the library or else I feel sure I would have died from embarrassment. That isn't to say that I'm not dying now. You've broken my heart, my friend. I only hope that it doesn't show.

VI

Charles,

I almost kissed you today. More specifically, I almost kissed you today but you turned from me before I could. You would not believe the urge I felt then to take you in my arms and shake you, demanding to know why. But I didn't. I resisted and you left without a word. I reached out for you then but you were already gone. My arms ache for you, but it's too late now. I tried to tell you my feelings and you gave me your answer. You didn't have to speak; your actions said it all. At least now I know I'll have no regrets when I face Shaw.

I'm leaving, Charles. I've wasted too much time here, waiting for something that I know will never be. I'm going to set you free, Charles. With me gone, we both can forget what happened and move on. That is, you will. I'll kill Shaw and then…who knows? But at least I'll know in my heart that I took the chance, regardless of results. I'll always love you Charles. I'll always yearn for you and wish you were with me, holding me and telling me that you love me as much as I love you. Goodbye, meine Liebe.

VII

You're gone. There's nothing here of yours, nothing to show me that you were ever here. You're gone.

VIII

My friend,

There are times when I wonder what made me fall in love with you. I look at you now, asleep in bed and I can't help but call you idiot in my head. You left to kill Shaw and all because you wanted to kiss me. My stupid idiot friend, do you now understand that all I had ever wanted was the same? When I found you standing over Shaw's body, all I could think was how I was so relieved to find you, to have you with me again.

Now that he's dead, I can see it in your mind, there is now peace. I know I should hate you or at least fear you, but I don't. I also saw what Shaw did to you and I'm ashamed to say that a part of me is happy that he's gone. Another part of me is glad you're back with me, unharmed. Another understands because if Shaw had lived, his tyranny and lust for destruction would have gone on forever.

You were moving and I was so sure I had woken you. It's even worse than that. Your arm is flung over your head and I have a clear view of your bare chest. The bed and the space on your shoulder look so inviting…

IX

My darling husband,

I'm not sure if I can convey in words just what it is I feel today. To know that you are now Mr. Charles Lensherr makes my heart feel like it's full of cotton candy. I wonder if this makes me Mr. Erik Xavier. Both are very tempting options. Watching you walk down the aisle in that white suit, blue eyes shining, I felt as if there was nothing more that I could ever ask of this world. Putting that ring on your finger was like coming home.

Now I write having thoroughly ravished you. You're snoring so I'm taking the time to finish this letter to you. (you have the cutest little snore. Like a kitten.) I wish you would look in my head and see how lovely you look. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. Maybe then you wouldn't tease me for waiting so long. It takes a stronger heart than mine to reach for the forbidden fruit without hesitation, my love.

Now you're reaching out to me, the light catching the ring in such a way to make the simple band sparkle. I've come home Charles, and I don't plan on letting either of us leave.

Please review! It lets me know you care and that I did a good job :)