Sarutobi—the Professor, God of Shinobi, and the third leader of the Village Hidden in the leaves—looked down at his surrogate grandchild with remorse. There were so many thing he could have done over the years: spend more time with the boy, provide a better home, ban all ramen from Konoha.

"Naruto, I am sure that you do not mean that," he pleaded with the boy. Naruto had refused to attend the academy and while Sarutobi could always force the issue, a reluctant student made a poor student. "Being a ninja is a great-"

"I am going to be the best ramen chef in the whole world," Naruto shouted, interrupting the village leader. "Ramen is best so if I am best at ramen then I'm best at everything, and then everyone will have to acknowledge me!"

Sarutobi picked a frame off his desk and looked at it fondly. Turning it towards Naruto he tapped the picture, "Look, you wearing my hat. If you go to school and work hard you could be the Hokage."

"Gramps, I was two." He stubbornly stuck out his lower lip. "I didn't know any better. Now I know. The ramen is life. Hail the ramen!" So saying he made a leap for the window. Fortunately he was restrained by Dog and Cat before he could make it—the window being five stories above ground.

"Naruto, you will attend the academy or I will ban ramen." Naruto went rigid in Dog's arms. "If you don't pass I will ban ramen. If you don't lay off the pranks I will ban ramen. If you don't wash behind your ears I will ban ramen. If you don't-"

"Sir, the subject has passed out," Dog reported.

"Very well. Take him home. Make sure that he goes to the academy tomorrow."

"Yes, sir." Dog and Cat chorused and vanished leaving behind a small pile of rapidly disintegrating leaves.

5 years later

Graduation day. Students flooded out of the Academy proudly displaying their new, shiny headbands. Except for one student who trudged out of the academy not looking up from his feet.

Sitting down on the swing set he gave a loud, melodramatic sigh. "Aw shucks. I failed again. I guess I'm never going to be a ninja now. I guess I'm just going to go sit forlorn and alone on the swing."

"Tone it down, idiot," Sasuke, star and pretty boy of the graduating class, called out.

"Thanks, bastard," Naruto called back shoving his middle finger skyward.

Naruto sat slowly swinging back and forth, watching his entire class walk past wearing their new headbands. He sighed. He sighed again. Deciding he had shown the correct amount of care and concern he stood up and started to walk toward his new career.

"Ramen is life. Ramen is all. Hail the ramen for the ramen sustains us."

Too busy chanting he didn't even notice Mizuki until he ran into him. Mizuki bent over and helped him back up, "You okay there, Naruto."

"Uh, yeah, just, um, really sad and upset about not becoming a ninja, sir. Darn. Well, gotta go." He tried to edge around the instructor but Mizuki still had a hand on Naruto's arm.

"Naruto, I need to speak with you. There is a secret path to becoming a ninja. If you go to the Hokage's tower and-"

"I'm sorry, sir," Naruto interrupted. "But Iruka was right. If I can't even do a simple clone then I am never going to become a super strong ninja. Ah well, I will just have to while away my life in servitude. Nothing more than a simple chef. Alas, woe is me," he said tugging at his arm.

"Naruto," Mizuki smiled down at the boy. "If you do not take this test then I will have to inform the Hokage."

Naruto gulped. "On second thought everyone deserves a second chance, even the dead last in his class who poured pink paint on his instructor, or stole his instructor's lunch, or told the lady at the flower shop that his instructor was gay, or replaced his instructor's tobacco with weed, or-"

"Not going to work, Naruto." Mizuki's smile became rigid with a little too much teeth showing. "Now here is what you have to do. Tonight you have to go into the Hokage's tower and take the large scroll kept behind his desk. From that scroll learn one jutsu, and then they will have to acknowledge you as a truly great ninja. However, if you do not succeed I will have no choice but to tell the Hokage that you have willfully wasted the opportunity I am giving you."

Later that night

"Right, let's crack this puppy open. What technique to learn, what technique to learn... Great Divine Winds, can empty a city within moments. Too awesome, they would definitely make me a ninja if I learned that. Summon the Death God? Too awesome. Suicidal explosion? Too permanent. Shadow clones? Every ninja can use clones. Nothing special there. Perfect."

Naruto stood up and began to practice and stopped almost immediately. "Huh, that was a lot easier than I thought it would be."

"Quit talking to yourself. You sound like an idiot,"said his clone.

"Hey, are you making fun of me? You're just a clone."

"I'm not the clone." Clone Naruto poked Naruto in the chest. "You're the clone, clone."

"Oh yeah, take this, clone!" Naruto swung and connected lifting Clone Naruto off his feet and sending him onto his back. Clone Naruto sprang back up and delivered an uppercut to Naruto causing Naruto to pop out of existence.

"Now who's a clone, clone?" The verified original snorted. After a moment's thought he walked over to the tree and scratched a large X in the bark. Staring at the X he made another clone.

"Hey, clone, how did you switch with me!" the clone yelled at Naruto "You know that ain't very funny."

"Stop, stop we already know the person looking at the X is the original, therefore you are the clone. Now, clone, I want you to go get some takeout form Ichiraku's while I wait here for Mizuki."

"Screw that. If I'm just a clone then I have what, a few hours to live? Carpe diem, sucker," Clone Naruto said disappearing into the trees.

"Huh, well, no way will they make me a ninja with that. Perfect." Naruto went back to the tree, using the scroll as a pillow he went to sleep only to be jerked awake with a kunai in his stomach. Gasping he look down and saw unbroken orange. That was… odd; he was jumping from building to building to get to Ichiraku's, so that he would have the comfort of ramen to guide him in the afterlife when a ninja had run him through with a knife.

"Wait... Ichiraku's? Afterlife? Did the clone... oh shit, someone wants to kill me. Why? I never did anything bad. Well there was that one time, but he was drunk. That shouldn't count 'cause he made himself a target. Or that one time, but he was sober. And if you can't avoid a simple prank when you're sober then you deserve a little humiliation. Oh man, what the hell am I going to do?"

"Naruto! What the hell have you done?"

"Irukathankyouthankyouthankyou"—Naruto hugged Iruka by the midsection and babbled, stopping only when he had to gasp for air—"I finished the test and made a clone but then someone tried to kill me and I—"

"Test? Naruto, slow down. What test?"

"The one Mizuki told me to take. Get scroll. Learn jutsu."

In a piece of suspiciously dramatic timing a kunai shot out of the darkness as soon as Naruto finished explaining his innocence. "Look out!" Iruka pulled Naruto behind him deflecting the kunai with his free hand.

"Figured it out too late, Iruka." Mizuki stepped out of the woods casually twirling a kunai on his finger, exactly like the safety classes at the academy told Naruto to never do. "I'm going to be taking that scroll now, Naruto."

"Wait a moment," Naruto scratched his head, "what's going on?"

"Mizuki is betraying the village," Iruka explained. "He used you to get the Forbidden Scroll."

"That has got to be the dumbest plan I have ever heard." Mizuki and Iruka both frowned at Naruto. "What? It is. I'm not even a genin. I'm the lowest ranking in my class for a reason. The idea that I could sneak into the most heavily guarded location in Konoha and steal the most heavily guarded secrets in Konoha is ludicrous. On top of that the Hokage personally knows me. If he asked why I was trying to do something so stupid as steal his scroll I'd tell him. And he believed me."

A wet thump emanated from Mizuki neck and he slumped to the ground revealing the Sandaime behind him. "That is enough, Naruto. Come to my office. You too, Iruka. Bring the scroll."

Sarutobi sat at his desk puffing happily away. Looking over when Naruto and Iruka entered the room, he waved them towards the seats. "Naruto, I told you five years ago that if you did not apply yourself to becoming a ninja I would ban ramen from Konoha. Silence, Iruka, this is between me and Naruto. I have looked at your transcripts. I then looked at your tests and even observed your practicals. Naruto, with the exception of ninjutsu you passed all the requirements to become a ninja. I understand your unique problems with chakra control, so I was going to write you a waiver—"

"What!" Naruto and Iruka chorused. "Hokage, he cannot do a clone. It is a basic requirement to pass. You can't pass-" "I failed fair and square. I can't become a ninja now. Three strike policy. That's the law. You wrote it yourself and—"

"Shut up. The both of you. Iruka, do you remember Rock Lee? He passed without clones because of his other skills just like a hundred other ninjas over the years. Naruto, this is not a democracy. It is a dictatorship. My dictatorship and I say you pass. Besides," he leaned back smugly and gave a long pull on his pipe, "you can do a clone now, so you don't even need a waiver."

"I'm going to make you regret this old man. I'm gonna huff, and I'm gonna puff and I'm gonna blow this house down." He stood up and stalked towards the door.

"Naruto," the Hokage laughed. "That technique is not in the forbidden scroll for its destruction. It is there for its crudity. Don't bluff if you didn't even read the description of the technique."