UP MY ALLEY

EPILOGUE, aka EPIC-logue

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Part 1 (I da Ho)

"Jake, dammit, get your rancid breath out of the way, man. You're fogging up the birth canal." I shove aside his hairy snout so Mike can see what he's doing. Home births can be tricky, and I'm not taking any chances.

"Thanks again for giving me the night off, Phil," Mike says, snapping on his rubber gloves and lowering his goggles.

"Why is the pin boy delivering my daughter's baby again?" Charlie asks his husband.

"He's got the best hands around, sweetheart. Trust me, I've seen this kid unstick a fourteen-pounder wedged so high in the ball return—"

"PHIL! Shut it!" Bella shrieks, as the peak of her next contraction takes her.

"Breathe, baby, breathe," I rush to her side and offer her my left hand to squeeze.

"I'm going in," Mike announces.

There's a chorus of "That's what he said!" from the "actors of the erotic stage," as I have been coached to call Phil's movie stars.

"You're doing great," Rosalie encourages, patting her forehead with the damp cloth.

Emmett chimes in, "Yeah, Bella, it's almost time to pass that bowling ball through your—OUCH! The fuck, Rose?"

"Shut it, Em!"

"Okay, everybody shut it...well, not you, Split. Now bear down for me and...PUSH!"

I try not to think about Mike Newton's hands up my wife's cooch, focusing instead on the relaxing strains of Thick As My Brick coming from Fruity Pop's flute.

"It's a boy!" Mike shouts.

"Aro!" I yell. "Send in the clowns!"

Part 2 (Momma Russett)

"Are you guys gonna have him circumcised? Aro will come back in here and do it. He is the sausage man. But we'd have to give him an epic tip."

"Ba dum bum."

"Oh, and he's a mime in his spare time, so we might have to help break him out of his invisible box."

The clowns have finished hosing away the remnants of our son's birth with their seltzer guns and abundance of absorbent rainbow hankies. Now they're just hanging around to provide some entertainment. I roll my eyes at their banter and look down at the perfect child resting peacefully on Bella's bountiful breasts.

"Dude...you're going to need a wheelbarrow to cart her around after the milk comes in. Those things are gonna be huge!" Emmett whispers into my ear, but Rosalie hears him anyway and smacks his chest.

"Don't talk about her lady udders that way, you insensitive pig," she scolds. As if insulted by the comparison, Jake hops up onto the end of the bed and noses his way up so he can see the new addition to our family. Bella lifts her hand and Jake scoots up along side of her, as calm as I've ever seen him. His beady little piggy eyes take in every inch of our son's face; his big blue eyes framed by thick black lashes, the tiny nose perched above the most perfect mouth I've ever seen. The crowning glory is the wild red curls waving in a riot around his head.

Part 3 (Hot Tot)

JPOV

The past nine months have been so lonely since Mom married the smelly oaf who uses glitter lotion to attract the imaginary vampires he hunts, but as I take in the tiny creature in front of me for the first time, I realize this is how it was supposed to be all along.

I'm pulled to the coppertop baby by a million steel cables, and he's now the very center of my universe. It's clear that the baby boy in Mom's arms is the only thing holding me here now.

"He's perfect," I say.

"Da fuck?"

"Jake, you're gay?"

"You didn't tell me he could talk, baby!"

"I thought you knew! All werewolf pigs talk for the first time when they imprint. You should be more concerned with the fact that he just did it with our baby boy!"

"Da fuck?"

The humans are yammering all around me, but I can't be bothered to pay attention. I make my way up to the baby and rub my wet snout against his face, calming his screeching cries. Staring into his eyes, I promise to be there for him in whatever capacity he needs … until death do us part.

I tune back into the talking humans only to hear them arguing about what to call the baby. I silence everyone with a loud oink and name him after the two most famous pigs in the world.

"He shall be called … Babebur."

Mom and Sparkleboy exclaim over the perfect name I've chosen for a while, but all too soon they're lovey-dovey again.

"I love you so much, Brick. You're perfect for me."

My pork belly churns when he pushes me out of the way to kiss her and responds, "I know, baby; you're right up my alley, too."

BabeburPOV

Mmm ... I want bacon.

Author Notes:

Well, THAT was interesting! I guess I didn't understand before we started that the object was to toss the next potato the most outrageous situation you could think of...but NOW, I'm fully prepared! A potato could not wish for two more outrageously fabulous writing partners than MR and HT; you taters had me in stomach ache laughter every single time. From the pot-bellied pig to the marriage proposal, pornalicious clowns, and absolutely assinine alliterations, it was non-stop detours! HT was right when she advised that one should not enter this kind of union lightly...there were several moments I feared we'd end up MASHED POTATOES. But we made it, and I really want to thank a few of you readers who took a chance on a few anonymous nuts who asked you to take an early peek. It was a great reminder how impossible it is to hope to get read when you have no network. So Jayme, Fran, Alterite, Jonesn, Beegurl, Missy, Domie, and Ana-thank you all for reading, reviewing, pimping, and having a little faith. It goes a long way! Everyone else who found us, tried us, stuck with us, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE, ARE YOU NUTS? I mean, thank you. Thank you so much. If you think you can handle another, put us on author alert, and guess what...we take requests! xxx ~I da Ho (aka bornonhalloween)

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Sigh...that was SO much fun. I think da Ho said most everything I needed to say. The fun was overwhelming. Waiting to see if anyone guessed who we were, being shocked when you guys kept reading, sitting on the edge of my seat to see what da Ho might send my way...it made my usually gray days much more colorful! Can't wait to see what you guys have in mind for us next! MWAH! Mother Russett (aka kitkat681)

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Mine will be short because they pretty much said everything! This was so much fun for us, and I hope you guys had even half the fun we did! I'm so impressed some of you guessed us and I wonder if the authors of the incorrect guesses would be offended? LOL Thank you so much to everyone for joining us and sticking with us. I couldn't have asked to do this with two better potatoes. Thanks again for all the love! (it wasn't that short after all...shocking!) xx Hot Tot (aka shellshock81)