I Can't Do This

In the few weeks since she'd given birth to Sierra, Cuddy had been staying home with her. She would be going to work in another week. When she thought about it, she was actually a bit anxious to go back mainly because she knew she had so much to do and so many meetings she'd missed out on and she just knew whether House admitted it when he got home or not that he was basically doing whatever he wanted, skipping clinic duty, and trying to rule the place while she was gone.

She cringed at the thought of his messes she'd have to clean up when she got back.

But the main thing she was focused on was of course Sierra. She hadn't realized how hard it was to be a mother. Especially when she was home alone and she didn't have House there to help her and give her moral support. She always needed things, she was always crying. When Cuddy tried to lay down and get some much needed sleep, 9 times out of 10 Sierra woke her up much too soon. She was getting to the end of her rope. At time she felt incompetent and she felt like she couldn't do this much longer.

One afternoon Sierra was crying and she wouldn't stop crying. Cuddy was getting more frustrated by the minute because she couldn't get her to stop. She had Sierra rocking in the swing while she tried to get a blanket for her and finally she snapped. "SHUT UP!" she shouted. Sierra got quiet for a moment surprised at her outburst. "JUST BE QUIET! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" Cuddy screamed. Sierra started crying again. "BE QUIET AND GO TO SLEEP FOR AN HOUR DAMN IT! I'M FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF IT! GOD! I WISH I'D NEVER HAD YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE!"

Sierra was crying even louder and Cuddy calmed down and realized what she had done. Tears rolled down her face and she was hit with this overwhelming guilt. She sat down on the couch across from Sierra and put her face in her knees and cried. She was tired and stressed and worst of all she'd just screamed at her daughter. It didn't matter whether she was only a few weeks old and could understand what she said or not, she probably knew that her mother was mad at her and it had made her even more upset than she already was. Cuddy looked at her still crying and felt even worse. She was supposed to be bonding with her child and here she was screaming at her. She knew she couldn't do this. She was the worst mother in the world. She should have never agreed to have a baby.

Finally she picked her up and sat on the couch with her rocking her. "Shh," Cuddy aid comfortingly. "I'm sorry sweetie." She kissed her. "I love you. I really do. I didn't mean anything I said." Sierra stopped crying and looked at her. Cuddy wiped the tears from her face. "I love you." Sierra smiled and cuddled up into her and slowly went to sleep.

Cuddy put her back in the swing to sleep. Then she sat back on the couch crying. She still felt extremely guilty for what she had done. She felt defeated like she couldn't do this anymore. She'd known deep down that she'd always be a bad mother and she just wasn't cut out to have kids. She should have listened to herself.

An hour later House came home and found her sitting there with red swollen eyes and tears staining her face. He came over and sat next to her. "Hey, what's wrong? Why have you been crying?"

She looked away from him not wanting to tell him what she had done. "I'm not crying."

He rolled his eyes. "You can't hide from me Cuddy. Tell me what the hell happened. Is Sierra okay?"

She felt herself getting choked up again. "She's fine." Finally she broke down and put her face in her hands crying which surprised him. "I'm a horrible mother Greg!"

"Why would you say that?" he asked surprised that she would even dare think something like that.

"Because I couldn't tolerate her crying and I got frustrated from taking care of her. A good mother wouldn't do that. A good mother is supposed to love a child and take care of the baby before herself. And a good mother definitely would scream at an infant and say she wished she never had her."

"You yelled at her?" he said raising his eyebrows.

She nodded. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I was just stressed and…I know it's not excuse but…"

He pulled her into his arms and held her. "Cuddy, she didn't even understand what you said."

"She did Greg. I know she did. I could just tell. And she'll probably remember it and hate me."

"Now you're overreacting." He lifted her chin and wiped the tears from her face. "You didn't mean any of it Lisa. And she's not going to hate you for it. You were just upset, I mean, you've been here alone the past few weeks and I know it's hard. You just need to relax for a while."

"Yeah, maybe I do." She rested her head on his chest. "I have been tired." Sierra started crying and they both looked over at her.

"You lay down and rest Lisa. I'll take care of her," House said getting up and picking up Sierra.

"Thank you House."

Later that night, Cuddy was in their room getting ready for bed.

She heard Sierra crying. She adjusted her night gown then went to her room and turned on the light. Then she picked her up out of her crib. "Shh, what's wrong sweetie?"

She sat down in the rocking chair across the room and started to feed her. Sierra held her finger and looked up at her lovingly. Cuddy smiled as she felt that love for Sierra that she always felt. Maybe House was right. Sierra didn't hate her for what she's done and maybe she really was a better mother than she thought she way.