TV Show: Law & Order: SVU

Pairing: Alex/Olivia - Set during Season 13 after Alex returned.

Disclaimer: I own nothing, everything belongs to Dick Wolf and NBC, except the storyline I created. The lyrics I used are from the song Standing in the Dark by Lawson. (Great band.)

Must say a huge thank you to Renconteur for being my faithful beta reader, I couldn't have done this without her. You rock :') Thank you in advance for clicking on my story and I hope yopu enjoy it. :)

Sitting here wide awake, thinking about when I last saw you, I know you're not far away…

It's late on a Thursday night, and once again, Olivia is having trouble sleeping. She rolled over onto her side and glanced at the clock, which read; 11:52 PM. As she closed her eyes, her mind filled with memories. Memories of one person she needed to forget about: Alex Cabot. Sometimes she took comfort in those memories but on nights like tonight, after a long day at work, they were nothing but a painful reminder of the love she still craved.

Close my eyes and still see you, lying next to me, wearing nothing but a smile…

The one memory that always appeared was of her and Alex, in the very bed she was now lying in, completely naked, wrapped up in each other's embrace after a lengthy love making session. Alex lain with her head rested on Olivia's chest, she listened to her heartbeat, and Olivia lay on her back with her cheek rested on the top of her head, her arm around Alex's shoulder, and the other arm tenderly stroked her forearm. One month after Alex had returned to help them with the Keppler case; they had fallen back into each other's arms with ease.

Alex sighed blissfully. "I could lay here for the rest of my life and I'd be quite content."

"You just read my mind." Olivia smiled, placing a kiss on Alex's forehead.

"I know you too well." The blonde replied as she lifted her head up to smile lovingly at her detective.

Olivia brushed a strand of hair from Alex's cheek bone. "I wouldn't have it any other way, sweetheart."

That was three years ago, before Alex was transferred to the DA's office in Boston. They had been together nine months before Alex ended it. Alex had told Olivia that long distance relationships never worked, and that she didn't want to hold her back.

After rounds of fighting with Olivia, Alex made the decision for both of them: it was final. Olivia had been heartbroken, and had never really gotten over her. The hurt still cuts as deep as did then, and because of that; Olivia had pushed everyone away. Elliot, more so than anyone else, which resulted in him retiring a few months back. After the shooting at the precinct, he wasn't the same and made the choice to call it a day. Since then she had been drafted a new partner, Nick Amaro, whom she was warming to more every day, along with the new female detective in their squad, Amanda Rollins.

Olivia buried her head into the pillow trying to make the thoughts go away. She had to let go. Alex was no longer hers and the blonde clearly wasn't having any trouble getting over her. Not long after Alex had returned to work with the SVU squad again, the attorney had invited Olivia out for coffee. The detective had thought Alex wanted to talk about their relationship, maybe start it up again. Olivia couldn't have been more wrong.

"Hey Liv, thank you for meeting with me." Alex said nervously.

Olivia took a seat opposite Alex and asked the waiter for a glass of water. "So," she began, as butterflies flapped wildly in her stomach. "What did you want to talk to me about?"

"Well, um...I have something I wanted to tell you, and I'd rather you hear it from me," she replied clenching her hands together.

Olivia reached out to put her hand on top of Alex's. "Alex, you can tell me anything." That's when Olivia felt something on Alex's left hand that she hadn't noticed before. Her eyes slowly travelled to the ring on the blonde's left ring finger.

"I'm engaged." Alex said softly, trying to study the woman before her reaction.

Olivia retracted her hand. "I can see that," she said with a faint smile.

"Are you alright?" Alex asked, treading carefully.

Olivia quickly shook her head, willing the tears not to fall. "Yes, of course! These are happy tears," she lied hoping Alex believed her. She plastered a bright smile on her face taking Alex's left hand examining the ring closer. "Wow, congratulations!"

Alex smiled back and sighed. "Thank you. I'd love for you to meet him," she half asked and half stated. "His name's Philip, he's an investment banker, I met in Boston. I didn't expect it to turn into something so serious, but sometimes these things just happen. I know my mom would have loved him," she said, as she absently played with her ring. The newness of the adornment still feeling foreign.

"I'd love to meet him, Alex." Olivia wiped a tear from her eyes. She noticed the blonde looking at her with concern and reassured her once again saying, "happy tears." But the sadness she felt inside weighed heavily on her heart.

The attorney smiled brightly. "How about tomorrow? Maybe we could get together for lunch."

"Sure sounds great." Olivia nodded in agreement then took her phone from her pocket. "Sorry, I just got a message from Rollins, I gotta get back to work."

"Oh, okay, I'll see you tomorrow, say 1:30?" Alex's shoulders sank on hearing Olivia had to leave.

"Yeah, see you then." The detective stood up and couldn't get out of the café fast enough. There was no text message; she just couldn't be that close to Alex any longer.

She reached out to touch the pillow Alex had once laid on, and hit it hard in frustration. The attorney was invading her every thought. She sat up, holding her head in her hands, she was exhausted and really needed to get some sleep. Tomorrow was the day she would be meeting the infamous Phillip for the first time. What kind of name is Phillip anyway? Who does he think he is? Some kind of Knight in Shining armor? She chuckled bitterly at her childishness.

Olivia kicked her feet out of the covers, and padded to her dresser. She took out the only thing that ever helped her sleep: one of Alex's old t-shirts. As she climbed back into bed she hugged it close to her chest and inhaled the scent that was uniquely Alex. Olivia missed her dearly and would do anything to get her back, but she feared the truth that that ship had sailed. Tears formed in her eyes as she cried herself to sleep.

The next day Olivia was sat at her desk, drinking her fifth - maybe sixth – cup of coffee of the day. She wasn't sure. She'd lost count. As the time drifted closer to lunch, the work she was doing was put to one side. The last thing she could focus on was DD5's. As she stared at the clock, she reminisced about the many times Alex had sauntered into their squad room to pick her up for a lunch date. She loved their little dates. There were times when they had very little spare time to see each other, so the small moments of catching a lunch or late dinner; became their moments of quality time.

Her stomach tightened and her heart ached. How she wished Alex was still with her. She took a deep breath and brought herself back to the present. Feeling the weight of her memories, she suddenly felt as though she was suffocating. She had to get out and breathe. The detective quickly stood, grabbed her coat, and headed for the stairs.

Once outside she leaned against the nearest lamppost, the cold of the metal hitting her cheek.

A few police officers that were standing outside checked to see if she was ok, but she waved them off without a word. The tightness in her chest eased slightly as she breathed in through her nose and out through her mouth.

Gotta leave right away, counting cracks along the pavement, to see you face to face thinking about the conversation…

When she felt steady again the brunette took a walk around the block to the restaurant where she was meeting Alex and Phillip. She secretly hoped Phillip was a complete idiot, and wasn't good enough for Alex. But then again, in Olivia's eyes, no one was ever going to be good enough for her. Within a few minutes, which seemed to go a little faster than she would have liked, she found herself outside the restaurant; looking inside to see Alex and Phillip sitting pretty close, laughing. Her first thought was to turn around and run in the other direction, but she couldn't do that to Alex. She took one last deep breath, trying to muster every ounce of strength in her, and went in to greet them.

Alex spotted her first and waved her over. Olivia smiled as she approached them. Phillip was the very essence of tall, dark and handsome. Phillip stood to greet her as Alex introduced them.

"Olivia, this is my fiancé Phillip Reynolds. Phillip, this is Detective Olivia Benson."

"So nice to meet you Olivia," he held his hand out, greeting his fiancé's friend. "I've heard so much about you." He smiled. He had a very kind smile.

Olivia was surprised as she hadn't heard all that much about him. "Oh really? All good I hope," she said with a chuckle, attempting to mask the awkwardness she felt.

"Of course." He replied motioning for everyone to take a seat. "I took the liberty of ordering for us. I hope you like salmon?"

She cringed. She hated people ordering for her. Alex knew this, and hated it as well.

"Love it," she replied politely.

A silence fell on the group before Olivia spoke. "So, how did you two meet? Alex has
yet to tell me that story."

Alex and Phillip looked at each other wondering who was going to tell the story. "Go ahead honey, you tell her," Phillip said taking Alex's hand in his.

Alex looked down at their hands then back to meet Olivia's gaze. "Well, I'd been working late at the office going over some upcoming trial briefs, and this one night I really needed a drink, so I went to the bar not far from my office-"

"I think it was fate that she did." Phillip chimed in, looking sweetly at Alex.

Olivia again smiled politely, not letting on the uneasiness she felt inside. Alex smiled uncomfortably before continuing.

"So I walked into this bar, it was mainly full of men in suits, but me being me, I didn't let that stop me. I sat at the bar, ordered a glass of wine; then this guy," she pointed to Phillip, "slides up next to me and says, 'hey beautiful, what's a girl like you doing in a place like this?'"

Phillip chuckled to himself as he took a swig of his beer.

Olivia laughed half-heartedly, trying to see that line wooing Alex. "How original," she laughed.

Alex smiled at Olivia, always the picture of politeness, but she saw a sliver of pain in her eyes. She pushed aside the pang in her gut and continued: "And I guess they say the rest his history. But he was very sweet that night, despite his lousy pick up line."

"You loved it." Phillip intertwied his fingers with Alex's, and leaned over to kiss the blonde's cheek to which she giggled slightly.

Olivia winced at the display of affection in front of her. At that moment all she wanted to do is run and hide. Hide from the happiness before her, but she can't take her eyes away from them. The pain coursing from her heart, through her veins is consuming, and she can't help but wish she was the one in Phillip's shoes. Despite the pain, Olivia tried to push it aside. Denial is such a beautiful thing.

Olivia clenched her jaw, trying to will the anxiety back, but it doesn't quite stifle the nausea that bubbled under the surface.

All I wanna do is hide, but I can't stop myself from staring, wishing his hands were mine…

Alex felt Olivia's eyes on her so she pushed Phillip back bashfully and a little guiltily for showing so much emotion towards him in front of her former flame.

The detective forced a smile. "You both seem very happy."

"We are," Phillip beamed, and kissed Alex's hand.

"Yes." Alex said, as she nodded.

And as he looks into her eyes, I'm feeling paralysed…

Olivia had to fight back the tears that threatened to fall. "I gotta go," she told them as she stood.

"Is everything alright?" Alex asked concerned.

"Everything's fine." The brunette said softly through a smile. "I just have to go, very nice to meet you Phillip," she reached out to shake his hand. "See you later Alex."

With that, Olivia left as fast her legs would carry her. She couldn't take the display in front of her any longer. She's happy Alex is happy, but does she realize he'll never make her as happy as she would have? She's an adult; she's not going to fight it. She just has to suck it up, and try like hell not to go to a place of pettiness and distaste.

Olivia made it back to the 1-6 within minutes and headed straight upstairs to the crib. She peeked inside the darkroom to make sure was empty, which it was, then slammed the door shut behind her. The brunette locked it, and leaned back against it, asher legs crumbled beneath her and her body became racked with sobs.

She's someone else's angel, it may sound stupid that I'm wanting you back, that I'm wanting you back…now I'm standing in the dark…