A/N: This first chapter is for brancan2, who requested a Cloti one-shot. :D And since I'm extremely lazy, I asked her if she was okay with the fact that it belonged to a collection. Fortunately, she didn't mind at all. This one-shot collection (a.k.a. "The Man Rules") will consist of thirteen chapters that will focus more on what men might find annoying about women, or with other words: misunderstandings between Cloud and Tifa. I found the list on the internet, and I know that it's pretty stereotypical, but that doesn't mean it can't be funny. And who knows, maybe you'll find some useful tips yourself. This is also my first multi-chaptered Cloti story, so please be gentle. :P

Since I already wrote a one-shot about Jealous!Cloud, I figured I might as well write one about Tifa being in the same position...but with a little bit more fluff this time, because they're in an almost-but-not-really kind of relationship now. Arlene is "borrowed" from the game Kingdom Hearts... more or less. It's complicated. Anyways, hope you like!

Please note that these rules are all numbered "1" on purpose. (A "guy thing," I guess?)

Special thanks: Mystics Apprentice, my super awesome beta reader. :)

~ "Done?" A quiet chuckle escaped him. "I'm just getting started, Teef. I thought you knew me better than this." ~

Rule 1. Men are NOT mind readers. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

Maybe this was all a bad dream. Perhaps she would wake up in a few moments, only to realize that she was warm and secure in her lover's strong arms. Or maybe, reality had just turned into a horrible nightmare and there was absolutely no way in hell that she could escape from it this time.

Okay, Tifa. Breathe in... and out... In... Out... Don't give in to your desires, no matter how tempting it is at the moment, the raven-haired beauty thought over and over again, but it was barely working.

Her frown deepened as she gritted her teeth. It seemed that this had become her personal mantra for the past few minutes. Though it wasn't necessarily helping her calm down...unfortunately. Not when it was more than obvious that this blonde bitch Arlene, who had appeared out of nowhere, was practically imagining herself in Cloud's pants right now. It was disgusting and plain wrong in so many ways that Tifa had to gag several times. And it was not only because Cloud was her childhood friend…

The worst part of all of this was that Cloud didn't even seem to mind the attention that he was getting! Well, all that the guy really was doing was sitting there next to that bimbo, looking at her as though he'd never seen a woman before as she continued flirting shamelessly with him. Yes, the blond ex-SOLDIER was just sitting there and letting it happen. Heck, he was probably enjoying it, too, hiding it behind his incredible poker face. So instead of helping Tifa a little with serving the customers, Mr. Chocobo-head decided to actually listen to that…that thing on high-heels!

Could you blame the beautiful bartender for being utterly pissed off at him at this point?

Tifa's hands were practically itching to strangle that woman, or at least slam her head against the smooth counter and then drag her out of the bar by her ugly, golden blond hair. But she couldn't because, technically, Arlene wasn't doing anything wrong. And she didn't want to give up on any potential customers. It was all about image, after all; she had made a silent vow to be a good bartender, no matter what would happen (or in other words, no matter how much some people would annoy her). However, it became very tempting the longer she looked at their interaction.

Tifa shook her head and let out a deep sigh. What the hell was she supposed to do with him? Cloud was driving her crazy, yet he had no clue because he was so damned oblivious. It was either that, or he simply didn't care enough.

Almost as though the blond ex-SOLDIER could feel a pair of eyes resting on his form, his head automatically turned in her direction, but Tifa swiftly looked away and busied herself in preparing the next order. A double whiskey, was it? Quite honestly, that sounded very appealing to her at the moment. Too bad she couldn't drink during work (another silent vow she'd made years ago). It would only make matters worse, both for her and the people around her. The last thing she needed was having the urge to dance on tabletops and not being able to remember any of it the next day, while the rest of the town hadn't forgotten about it...

Yes, been there, done that; she was never going to do it again if she could help it.

From the corner of her eye, the ebony-haired woman caught a blur of black and bright yellow approaching her slowly, instantly making her nervous. Sure, she was happy that Cloud had finally excused himself and left Arlene behind, but what if he'd seen the jealousy flicker in her eyes?

...Not that she was jealous, of course. Nah, how could you possibly think that?

Ugh, who was she kidding; she could practically drink the other woman's blood and enjoy it, too, even though she didn't really know her. That was how much she hated her for coming near her Cloud.

...Her Cloud? Where had that come from? It wasn't like the blond man could be considered her property, no matter how much things had changed between them lately. Funny, though, how attached one could become to something that was not even theirs.

The instant Cloud stopped near the counter and opened his mouth to say something, the raven-haired beauty sharply turned away and ignored him, making it appear like she was merely helping a demanding customer nearby (who merely gave her a bewildered look when she put yet another drink in front of him before he had asked. Fortunately for Tifa, the guy thought that it was another reason why he should keep coming back here). She couldn't see how Cloud blinked, surprised at the fact that she had acted like that, be it on purpose or not. After all, the ex-SOLDIER was utterly hopeless when it came to women.

Eventually, he shrugged and decided to linger near the bar counter, just in case Tifa would need him. He sat down on the only vacant stool, between two muscular guys who looked like bodyguards. Well, at least it kept that Arlene away from him. Honestly, what did that woman want from him? She was...weird...

Nothing particularly striking happened for the rest of the evening, save for the part where Tifa was making sure to stay as far away from Cloud as she possibly could, even until she had kindly shown the last loyal customer the door. After that, she started closing the bar. Cloud quietly helped her with putting the chairs on the tables, unaware of her bad mood.

"I'm going to bed," Tifa announced rather coolly, when that task was done.

She did not even bother to look at Cloud now, who shot her a questioning, albeit highly confused gaze. It was clear from the look on his face that he wondered if he'd done something wrong. Any other time the ebony-haired beauty would feel guilty and try to cheer him up somehow. Tonight, however, she simply refused to do so; enough was enough and if the guy really cared about her feelings, he should know what exactly he had done to upset her like this.

The temperature in the room seemed to have dropped considerably, which was something that the man thought was unnerving. He hesitated slightly, before starting solemnly, "Tifa, what's—"

"Good night, Cloud."

With that, she left the man alone and swiftly made her way upstairs. Only silence, as palpable as the closed curtains, remained after she had left.

By the time he followed her, Tifa's bedroom door was closed and the light in her room was out, a silent sign (although in this case, the silence pretty much screamed in his face how much he failed at understanding his best friend... Or maybe women in general) that told him to stay out. Had this happened a month ago, he barely would have paid any attention to it. But now that he usually slept next to Tifa, and now that they were more than just very close friends, this bothered him immensely. After all, the beautiful woman never closed her bedroom door if he wasn't inside yet…

It seemed that this was one of those rare nights in which he had to sleep in his old room. Too bad, though; he'd been looking forward to the moment that he could sneakily drape an arm around her form and pull her close to him.

The worst thing was that he didn't even know what he had done wrong, and Tifa didn't look like she was planning to tell him. Seriously, what was it with angry women?

They should stop treating men like they are mind readers, because they're not, he mused.

In fact, half of the time they had no idea what the heck they were doing around women. At least, he didn't...

He sighed, a sudden feeling of dread taking over him. What if this was the beginning of the end? What if she was going to leave him? What if...

Little did he know that Tifa was groaning in her pillow because of her stupidity; instead of letting Cloud know how much she cared about him, the woman was pushing him away! This seemed like an everlasting nightmare, which only got worse with every passing second. And if she got any real nightmares tonight, then Cloud wouldn't even be there to comfort her, like he had done last time...

"I am such an idiot," she muttered, which sounded more like, "Fmm phuf an idiuff."

Well, the damage was done, and she had to accept that. Perhaps she would find a way to fix this mess tomorrow (because Cloud didn't look like he had any clue as to what was going on...as usual). Hopefully, it wouldn't be too late to save this "almost-but-not-quite-relationship" she had with Cloud. Honestly, it was as though one nightmare had barely ended when she had to handle yet another one. Her whole life consisted of horrendous nightmares and disappointments.

If only things could go right for a change, the raven-haired woman thought.

When Cloud descended the stairs the next day, the first thing he noticed was that he wasn't the only one up. Judging from the furious clattering of the plates coming from the kitchen, Tifa was doing the dishes, which she had skipped last night. Honestly, why was that woman up so early today? And it wasn't even that time of the month yet (and no, he wasn't purposely paying attention to it, but when you live together, the sudden mood swings are hard to miss. Honestly, talk about nightmares).

Upon entering the clean and cozy kitchen, the man halted. He watched her quietly, with Tifa not aware in the slightest of her silent spectator. Her glossy, midnight-colored hair cascaded over her shoulders. Even from this distant, it looked so soft that Cloud wanted to step forward and run his fingers through it.

Normally, she would just mop the floor or clean the bar when something was bothering her. She had told him once that cleaning had a therapeutic effect on her. He could tell that she seemed to be struggling with something. Whatever it was, it had to be something big, because she still hadn't noticed him.

Deciding to change that, Cloud said, "Morning."

This managed to startle Tifa to the point where she almost dropped the plate that she was holding (which would have been a very bad idea, because it belonged to her favorite set). He smirked at that, before slowly heading towards the raven-haired woman like he hadn't noticed anything peculiar about her. Without saying as much as a word, the blond grabbed a towel from the top drawer and silently started drying the first dish that he took from the rack. It was his way of telling her to talk about whatever was making her act like this. Since the silent man had a way of screwing up with words, he figured that this was the safest way to handle things.

The raven-haired beauty watched him from the corner of her eyes. She wanted him to tell her about the woman from last night, whether he knew her or not, but she didn't dare ask him. Things were embarrassing enough as they were already, without her making the impression of a clingy, jealous girlfriend—even if it was the truth (minus the "girlfriend" part, obviously). But Cloud didn't need to know that.

And so, the silence resumed and neither of them said anything, until, ironically enough, it was Cloud who became too impatient. "Tifa..." he started solemnly, his lightly demanding tone giving her shivers.

He was looking at her, she knew it without having to check if it was true. When she couldn't take that razor-sharp gaze of his anymore, she turned and caught him staring at her.

Drat, she thought, at once looking away again.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," was her quick response.

Cloud made a disbelieving sound. "You can't fool me."

Deafening silence followed after that...again.

"Look, whatever I did... I'm sorry."

The ebony-haired bartender almost wanted to tell him that it was all right, before she caught herself; if he thought that he was going to get away with it that easily, he was horribly wrong.

Tifa saw how Cloud slowly lifted his hand and took the sponge out of her hand, making her wonder what in the world he was doing. Next, he brought it closer to her face, as though he wanted her to inspect it. All she could do was watch his moves quietly. Then, to her great surprise, he flicked his hand against her nose, leaving suds on the very tip of it.

With a smirk, Cloud watched the expression on her face slowly change from flat-out surprised to highly annoyed. "That was for the vanilla glaze," he informed her casually.

Tifa, in return, gave him a dark look that said, 'You did not just do that!'

She sighed, before she quickly snatched the sponge out of his hand and swiped it across the side of his neck. Cloud, in return, made a surprised, rather uncharacteristic noise and tried to get rid of the suds. His eyes, however, told the woman that the game was on.

"Alright. If you're done acting like a toddler now, you can leave. I have some chores to do," Tifa spoke, before turning away from him to continue her therapeutic task.

"Done?" A quiet chuckle escaped him. "I'm just getting started, Teef. I thought you knew me better than this."

That was all it took for them to break into a playful fight, including suds. From that moment on, the bartender forgot to be cross with him, and it was only when Cloud slipped and fell, dragging Tifa with him, that both adults noticed the mess they had made in the kitchen. Tifa sighed lightly. Two hours of cleaning had completely gone to waste thanks to Mr. Chocobo over here.

After a moment of silence, Tifa finally said, "Okay, I'm not going to clean up this mess. You're on your own this time."

"What? You were the one who made the most mess!"

"You started it, smartypants, so you might as well end it," she shot back, keeping him firmly against the ground, so he wouldn't try to escape.

Cloud contemplated this briefly. "Well, cleaning up while lying on my back might be a little tough, even for me."

Despite everything, Tifa laughed, before bending forward for a kiss. The kitchen could wait, after all.

A/N: Gah, humor and romance mixed together is so darn tricky, at least for me. I don't know when the next update will be, but I hope you liked the first chapter enough to stay tuned for the rest. :)

Fun fact: According to one of my polls, Cloud is the most awesome guy from the FF/KH series. I don't think that anyone who's reading this is surprised, right?