Yeah, I don't even know anymore. What am I doing? How did I let someone get this close to me?

At first, I just thought that Ben felt lonely and our first time had meant nothing, (not to mention losing my virginity and probably his too) but when I woke up the next morning, I looked at him, and the boy seemed so, peaceful, quiet, beautiful… So I offered him to live with me if he wished so.

Just… Just how the fuck did that happen? I thought I was the only one wondering about my feelings for him, and about what he felt for me in return, I also tried to make it look as if it was nothing, nothing important, but Ben did think of it too… -That- I did not notice.

But anyway, we stayed together, for a few weeks after the day we met, and everything was normal between us, it was as if we had been friends all this time.

Oh, how did I need a friend back then…

Surprisingly, as I did not do anything to repeat what we had done that other night, Ben didn't seem to care about doing it either, I don't know how he managed to do that, every night we slept together I was betrayed by my hormones and wanted to kiss him and bite him and all of that, but I didn't…

Why? Because I wasn't sure about it, isn't it supposed that people who love each other have sex? If that was the truth, then I had no reason for doing it with Ben. Well, just if you ignore the fact that we cuddle when we sleep, and the occasional kissing now and then, but that is just because I like him, for love well, that is something different.

Since Ben never said anything about it I thought it was ok, and just ignored it, but as this week passed, Ben became shyer and quieter. If that was anyone else, I wouldn't have worried, but knowing how Ben was, I did.

I was very stupid to not ask him what was wrong, and also to just continue doing what I always did on a daily basis even before Ben was not there. But he did not tell me he was unhappy, I wouldn't know at all, that he simply stared at my back when I left at night, and welcome me with a little smile when I returned covered in blood, take a shower together, eat, and sleep. And that was every day, during daylight I would sometimes go down to the lake for some fishing, but he did not follow me there.

It was as if I had him trapped inside my house, but why did he endure that? He could have just left, and I would have done nothing about it, or so I thought at that time. I made it look like I did not care if he was still with me or not, but the truth was that I really enjoyed his company, those little talks with him, but I guess I did not show him that…

"Hey Jeff, are you going to the lake again?" Ben asked with that soft voice of his. I was just about to open the door when that question stopped me, and I looked back at him sitting on the couch.

"Yeah, why?"

Ben swallowed and looked to the side as if trying to evade me, but of course I noticed, something was wrong. "Uh, for nothing, I was just thinking I could go out since you are too."

Now this was surprising, Ben was actually going out from the house? I always wondered what he was doing while I was at the lake, but I just simply did not ask, neither did he tell me; this made me very curious. "Oh really? And where are you going to..?"

"You don't have to know." He interrupted me. Ok, telling me he is going somewhere, just to make me curious and then not tell me where? Ben is the definition of childish. Still, he is just a boy anyway… Yes, I was slightly mad at these actions, but I tried to stay calm and nodded slowly.

"Alright…" I replied still not very pleased with the situation. I sighed and went out through the door, Ben stared as I leaved, and then left the house too.

I finally got to the lake and sat down, waited for the fishes to come and stab them just for the fun of it, how the blood tainted the water was also a nice view, and I could relax a little on the outside nature…

Except I was too busy thinking about what Ben could be doing, where, and with who… I tried to dismiss this curiosity and continue with the 'fishing', but I just couldn't. Damn him! Why was he invading my mind like this!? It was too much for me to handle, so I stood up and walked back home, sighing, frustrated.
But… what I saw I did not expect to ever happen.

Ben was back here, sitting on the couch, well, on top of someone sitting on the couch, and they were kissing, disgustingly so. The second my patience lasted as I looked at this image I couldn't recognize who the other person was, he was pale, like a ghost, and his legs from down his knees were gone, but I couldn't stand this sight anymore.

"BEN!" I screamed clenching my fists so hard my nails went through my skin, my eyes opened wider if possible, and I frowned just to add it to my expression of pure anger. He made a jump and quickly moved away from the ghost, both staring at me in fear. I took out my knife and corrupted by madness and anger I approached the ghostly person or whatever it was and pressed the tip against his neck, just enough to cut the surface of his skin as black blood ran out from the wound, he squealed and gasped when I moves the knife down to his chest, just above the heart. Ben begged me not to hurt him so I didn't press any further, I was going to kill the fucking bastard until Ben stopped me, and using all of my will I moved away, not leaving my knife of course; I grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and threw him with all my strength.
His back hit the wall, and as I walked to him the idiot just looked between me and Ben as if he did not know what to do, so I decided to tell him. "GET THE FUCK OUT!"

Terrified, his empty eyes widened and he did not hesitate to run for his life this time, as he leaved through the door I kicked his back just to make him hurry out of my sight. I was panting, groaning, my chest hurt from trying to hold back my need to stab someone a thousand times until their body looked like a chewed gum…

For Ben, I was doing it for Ben… Because no matter what I felt for him, now I knew I'd -never- let someone else touch him. I had no right to stop him from being with someone else but still, I felt so angry, as if he had betrayed me, I fucking wanted to kill him too!

But betrayed what? What do we have together? Nothing. Nothing! Why the fuck was I so angry!?

I did not notice when I fell down on my knees, repeatedly stabbing the floor as if it would satisfy me, but no, I wanted the screams, the cries, the blood… Ben was frozen in front of me, a few steps away of course, covering his mouth and sobbing. Why was he crying? Because I scared away his 'lover'? I had to know, I had to know!

"…Just WHY are you fucking crying!? TELL ME!" I shouted to him as I stood up and threw the knife away for Ben's safety (not like I could kill him anyway), looking down at him as I grabbed his shoulders roughly, he gasped and trembled under my hands, closing his eyes tightly and hiding his head between his shoulders as if I were going to hit him.

He cowered, clearly, and I had to take a deep breath to lessen the grip of his shoulder and give him a less aggressive look, breathing slowly and deeply. When he sensed less danger, he slowly turned to look at me, his face low, eyes watery. "Ben…"

"Why did you do that!? I met him at the abandoned game stop and I thought we could be friend so I brought him here! Now you scared him away from me forever…" He said frowning, but crying. Oh boy are you fucking kidding me, I couldn't stop myself from speaking what was on my mind, as usual.

"So you bring him to -my- house!? And don't tell me you make out with everyone once you first meet them; if he offered you a home you would follow him and leave me wouldn't you!?" I asked him as I gritted my teeth, I was not just angry but hurt, I did not think of it possible but it hurt to think that I was not important to Ben, It hurt… more than the pain of before. Even with my forced smile, I began to cry. He seemed offended by my words at first, but when he saw me cry, his expression fell, and he felt guilty.

"Ben… I know I shouldn't have done that, but, somehow I felt so much rage when I saw, him… and you were…" I sighed deeply, trying to make myself speak properly. "I couldn't stop myself enough… Because it felt like it did not matter to you all we have done together, like you replaced me because I did not take care of you…" I said still trying to control myself, my voice was low and dark, almost hissing as I talked. He looked into my eyes for a few seconds, and then looked down with a very light smile.

He was smiling… under these circumstances?

"No, Jeff… You have done so much for me…" He sighed and entwined his hands shyly, blushing (because apparently wooden statues could do that). "-I- am sorry; I don't really like him, I just, wanted to know what you would do… because we are together, but not really together, and I really like you but…" He then turned to look up at me, his eyes were black, and the bloody tears were flowing down from them, his lips trembling. "I don't know if you feel the same for me! I am here and, I stay because you offered me to, but you don't kiss me or touch me or anything at all, I was just… just…" That was as far as he got when he began sobbing, I cupped his face with my hands and sighed.

That was it!? He wanted to know if I would be jealous, so that way he could know if I felt something for him? That was the problem, all this time. I am still angry but… GODS! THAT WAS IT? Ben is just… so adorable, cute, insecure and childish, and I love him for it.

Yes, I do realize I said I love him… But, it might as well be true.

Once I realized this, I smiled like a fool, wrapping my arms around him and pulling him to myself, so his head could delicately rest on my chest. I could feel his warm tears against me, how they made the fabric of me sweater slightly wet, and I continued to hold him like this, I myself was sobbing… Just, what the hell is this…

"You are stupid, Ben…" I softly whispered, his face seemed to brighten. He looked up at me and I softly chuckled at his expression of confusion.

I did not think it was possible, for me to ever look at someone like this, with the eyes of a kid that received a new toy, with the eyes of a kid that was hugged by his mother, with such love… I did not think I could feel that anymore. Now I know, I am in love with Ben… and if he is in love with me, this will just mean everything to me.

The pain in my chest was something I could endure now, a pain I reveled on, and the more I looked into his now (back to normal) beautiful, deep blue eyes, I could know it: If it wasn't with this person, I was never going to be truly happy ever, not even with the smile I craved on my face. But I had to let him know, no more mistakes, he had to know what I really felt, and, hopefully understand how important this was, for I had given up on love of any kind.

But… what words could say it? None, really. I leaned closer to him, closing my eyes, and pressing his lips against mine, deepening the kiss as my arms went around his waist, and his arms above my shoulders. The flutter in my heart made the pain go away, and I knew for sure this was meant to be…

And, for the way he smiled onto the kiss, I was reassured he felt it too.

Author note: Thanks to me talking to my boyfriend while writing this, you get this second chapter filled with pure love and a lot of feels, I hope you like it… Also, if you have any suggestions for any fanfic (yaoi) you'd want me to write just ask me nicely and describe exactly what you want. Bye!

No…. HOLD ON A SECOND. Some wanted me to make this kind of like full story, so… I will add one or two more after this, because they already love each other, I bet you all want the sex, some more drama… Give me some time ;)